Why is it so hard to find a girl to give me a chance that isn't fake or shallow?

Ok I have been single for over a year now. And I don't know why. I don't think I'm bad looking at all. I am kind, sweet, charming, good sense of humor, strong bodied and very intelligent. I would never harm a woman in any way intentionally nor would I ever belittle a woman. I have standards of the kind of woman I would like to be with because of my past experiences and relationships. I know what I'm looking for. I have been on a few dating sites (eight to be exact) and have only met two women. One was just looking for a hook up and I don't really do that and the second, well her mother decided to step in and say I wasn't good enough because I was in the army and I didn't come from money. I am on Match.com even and I have been viewed by over 90 women and some of them aren't even my type but the only messages I have received are from scammers. Do I really look that bad and not know it? don't get me wrong I'm very confident in the man that I am but what does it take? I have no fear in talking to any woman at all and will always be the good guy. Ladies am I just not worth someones time? Please don't give me the cliche of the right one will come I just have to be paitent. I have been single for over a year so that's just going to make it worse. I'm just asking in honesty if anyone would see me as date worthy or relationship material. I like who I am and I like how I am and I wouldn't change any part of me for any reason other than my own. I again have standards of what I like of a woman inside and out (I have had experiences with many different types of women to get me to what my standards are to this day) and I would be a good if not great guy for her. Anyone care to tell me what the deal is?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Are you going for your type? Are you posting your manga pics on the page?

    Idk...I'm sure there are girls out there for you but I can't imagine you're looking at them or aiming your profile to suit them.

    It really is a matter of time AND putting yourself out there. Not only should you use dating profiles...but GO OUT, hun. Find things you like...eventually you'll run into people who like doing those things too. And you'll have conversations and get closer.

    Don't look at me and say "Well that's easy...you're a girl." Trust me, it doesn't make it easier to find someone you WANT in your life. I found my love on a dating site...and I did it because I can be kind of an introvert. I had to do something to put myself out there and MEET people.

    Most of the guys confident enough to approach me weren't my type.

    I knew I had to lighten up and meet many new people. The more people you meet...the more circles you become part of. You find out more about yourself and become part of more people's lives. Eventually you really will meet someone who will recognize how you stand out and appreciate it. Keep your head up, no cliche...just enjoy yourself.

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    • Now that is a great answer. Thank you for participating in this. I know there are girls out there that would be for me and I don't give up. No matter how difficult it is. I'm just basing this question on the essence of what was and what is now a days. As in seeing how much things have changed. I remember a long time ago that it was easy for the good guy to get a great girl and vice versa. A lot of things have changed in the past 15 years. I would like to have conversations with you via message.

What Girls Said 6

  • Why is it so hard to find a girl to give me a chance that isn't fake or shallow?

    Probably because most people aren't into giving chances when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships instead they seek a partner they want or want something from.

    Do I really look that bad and not know it?

    Possibly you could look that bad or it could be you don't look as good as you think studies show guys overrate their attractiveness and you're shooting out of your league (yeah I believe in leagues in my opinion it's a bit off how guys rate and rank gals into leagues but when it comes to pursuing them suddenly leagues don't exist for him it's bias to me that it seems leagues only exist for gals)

    don't get me wrong I'm very confident in the man that I am but what does it take?

    What it takes depends on the type of gals you're pursuing and it seems it's either money or you're seen as a hookup material.

    Ladies am I just not worth someones time?

    Egh more likely you're not 'worth' the type of gals you want time.

    Anyone care to tell me what the deal is?

    Perhaps you're overestimating the your qualities (I find a lot of people do this), you're not attractive/appealing/interesting to the gals you seek, you give the 'vibe' of being hookup material (which is odd to me that you aren't ecstatic about that as most guys I know who give this vibe are really happy about it), the type of gals you want aren't really on dating sites, etc.

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    • Well I have never been told at all that I look bad. I have honestly been told that I am either handsome or cute but I'm pretty modest about it. I don't like to seem like I'm full of myself. I don't over rate my attractiveness but I know that its not the physical look that makes a person fully attractive. I don't believe in out of my league to be honest. The type of gals I'm pursuing are the ones that seem to be open minded and looking for something real. Your being very harsh on some of these.

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    • Different opinions.

      In my opinion statistics are a good way to look at things. Facts are way more credible than personal point of view that can be skewed, bias, discriminatory, or hypocritical.

      Though in my case statistics support my point of view. I see most guys approach those they find attractive and studies, surveys, and statistics support what I see.

    • In your opinion there are better ways to be honest than kill a guys confidence.

      For myself it's a meh I don't care about killing a guy's confidence. I find most guys are quite confident to the point of being egoistical thinking their sole/main flaw is being (too) nice. In my opinion that's quite a pedestal one is on to think their only/main flaw is a self-congratulatory one.

      Plus I find guys tend to be dismissive of gals with a 'she's (insert negative) anyway' so I doubt what I say has sway

  • You sound like a good guy. You haven't really mentioned if you're sending messages to many of the women who meet your standards though. I don't really have experience with dating sites, but from what I can tell you're supposed to send a bunch of messages to people you're into, mention something in their profile to make it a bit personalized, and if they show interest talk back and forth for a short time, then ask to meet up for a date as soon as you can.

    I'm just wondering why you've only been on two dates, if I understood that right. Is it because they don't agree to them? They're flaking? You've only asked a few? As in everyday life, I'm sure a lot of girls don't initiate things themselves. You should have someone go over your profile with you too and see if you can improve it. Make sure you have good pictures, a well-written description, etc.

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    • Oh actually it says I've been on 8 dating sites. And on match.com I sent messages to over 80 women. As well as have someone go over my profile with me. The first woman was looking for the "bad boy" type as in treat her like a sex object. And the other girl I went on two dates with. I haven't gotten responses from the women I have messaged on match. And I don't know why.

    • Oh, got it. Well, as much as I love anime, I would agree with yaddayaddadadda about the cosplay. There aren't a lot of girls who would be cool with that. Besides that, what kind of messages do you send them? From what I know, fairly attractive women get a lot of messages on those sites (a lot of just hook-up stuff though), but it can be hard to sort through, so messages may need to stand out to get noticed and a replied to. Maybe try branching out to girls who aren't quite your type too.

    • Well I actually message them respectfully. I tell them it seems we have some if not a lot of things in common and I would like to get to know them more and see what else we have in common and talk to them about what we do have in common. Nothing rude or vulgar nor do I say anything that would suggest I'm looking for a random hook up because that's not me. Women who aren't my type have viewed my profile and hasn't even messaged me. But I don't settle for less than what I like.

  • It's all about expectations. I've been single for longer than a year and I do not consider that a long time. I come from a conservative background an I expect to marry the first person I become serious with and last with for more than a year.

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    • I applaud you for that but at the same time I feel that I should be worth someones expectations. I have tried different types of women and found out what I am comfortable with and what I am happy with. Both physically and personality wise. I shouldn't settle for someone I won't like personality wise or be uncomfortable with physically. I'm not expecting women to be settling for me but in the comments I posted...over 90 women and not one of them giving me a chance? That's harsh and shallow.

    • The more time you spend with somebody, the higher the chance that they will say yes. I know a very good looking guy who asked out 300 girls before getting once who was willing to give him a chance but his success rate with friends (and not girls he met at bars) was a lot higher.

    • Lol yeah I don't do the bar scene or the club thing. I see no point in it. But thanks that gives me a little more hope.

  • ok I know you don't like cliche but the problem is if you try too hard and want a relationship too badly you will attract the wrong people. people who sense this like very clever players, or narcissists (look that up), people who appear like your perfect match at first and then transform.

    you can't look for love. it has to find you. I think dating sites are crawled with people who are not going to give you true unconditional love. I mean maybe 1% of people on their might have a genuine heart, but I think a lot of people with a good soul realize there are a lot of horrible people on their so avoid it.

    i know exaclty what you mean. I have had a couple of long term relos and am now single. I am always so just natural and myself even from the start. its like I am the same person from start and then in 6 months and so foward. I just want to find someone who can give me that love and respect genuinly. not that infatuated "i love you" in first month. I mean love is grown. love is when you respect, value, admire a person. that takes time. I just hate people who confuse love for like or infatuation. I have realized something though and its that you cannot look for this. as much as you want it, and I know you say its been a year and it isn't coming your way, unfortunately you will have to wait, I mean you don't have to but you won't meet who you want to. try doing more activities to meet women. like gym classes, even just somehow making an excuse to talk to a woman in a supermakret without being a creep (I mean what do you hv to lose), if you are some goodlooking dude with a nice smile in some sweats and you approached me in a supermarket id be like hey this is awesome. maybe get confident to approach people in more "normal settings" during the day. decent people go out to normal places.

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    • I see what your getting at. The number of dating sites are over a long period of time to be honest. I just gave Match a chance because its supposed to find you your perfect match right? Apparently not so much. I do prefer face to face interaction and I don't know if I'm a good looking guy or not. I hear it once in a while but not as often as Id like lol. Which is why I rely on who I am, my heart and my personality. It just kind of sucks when you build up being a good man and having been raised to

    • be that good man and all of a sudden you wonder what the hell happened in the past 15 years lol. Being a romantic is who I am. It makes me feel alive. Love does grow I know this. An ex girlfriend of mine said she loved me after two weeks. Had to have her slow things down. The funny thing about my luck with women is that from afar no problem. But around where I live...very difficult. Since it is Chicago land area.

  • You seem like one of the many guys that think they are entitled to a beautiful woman. FYI, no woman is perfect and has flaws. You can either learn to accept them or remain forever alone.

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    • I know I am entitled to a beautiful woman. I was married before to a woman that was such. She had her flaws yes but more of the argumentative and physically abusive type in the middle of arguments. I divorced her when she cheated on me while we were TALKING about divorce but never established it. FYI I know women have flaws, never expect them to be perfect. But I know what I like and what I'm looking for. Don't assume I'm that superficial.

  • Here's the issue I see with your logic.

    I don't deny that there are fake and shallow women out there, but it seems to me that the general consensus of the male population is that if ever a girl denies them it is not for a fault of his, but that she is fake and shallow.

    She could be the best girlfriend ever - sweet, kind, generous, caring...and if she breaks up with the guy she suddenly becomes a fake and shallow bitch.

    Guy logic. Hmm...

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    • +1, this is so true

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    • If you're referring to online dating, which I assume you are based on the mention of messages...you'll probably never get a girl that way. Women are timid. They're all about flirting online but spook at the idea of actually meeting the guy.

    • Thats why I prefer face to face honestly. But I don't do bars or clubs. Not my style nor my scene. Besides I like to talk to women when they are sober and at a reasonable volume without music blasting into our ears lol.

What Guys Said 2

  • I think this is the downside of online dating. But I gotta be honest, if your dating profile pics are the same one as the ones you have here, the costume thing would be a huge turnoff unless you're going after other cosplayers.

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    • Ouch. Hey I like anime. I like to cosplay and won't hide who I am or what I enjoy. Don't knock it till you try it. Besides that shouldn't be a reason. Much better than what most guys do that I've seen.

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    • A kneed girl? What's a kneed girl?

    • was supposed to be "like minded". Stupid ipad.

  • "I would never harm a woman in any way intentionally nor would I ever belittle a woman."

    In other words, you're too safe - too predictable - there's not enough excitement or thrills in dating you.

    Women are attracted to a guy with a few rough edges. They like not knowing what he's going to do next. They like having minor problems they can pass off as major problems which they can talk to their girlfriends about.

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    • So your saying I should come off as a woman beater or harm women and belittle them? Wow that's great advice. Perhaps I should go and beat the crap out of a lot of women in some bar that are drunk and won't remember me. That's really the best you got? Saying that I'm too safe and predictable? Lets see, I was an army combat soldier for four in a half years. Never said I didn't have rough edges. Just saying I can't harm women. Never said I was safe or predictable. I'm a fighter when I have to be.

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    • chance to see it and take the time to get to know more as well as understanding that I'm not like all the other guys they have run into that have hurt them in the past. That I'm different and maybe worth a shot. I stand by being a good guy but I'm not boring. Perhaps you should have restated your answer a whole lot different and I wouldn't have taken it that way. As in ask me questions first that you would have and based on my answers give your advice. Things can be taken a certain way if you word

    • them in a certain way. Re read what you first answered with and see what I mean. Anyone can take that a hundred different ways.

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