Do women really want a "nice" guy?

I have always though that when someone called someone else "nice" that it was almost an insult.

My ex girlfriend, who broke up with me, told one of my mutual friends that I was "too nice".

When she broke up with me, at first I was upset and angry, but did not display this to her. I took the breakup like a man and did not curse her out or anything. She said there was no other guy (which I believe and was confirmed through mutual friends) and that she simply did not love me.

I went NC for a few months before I saw her again at an event with mutual friends. It was a brief and awkward encounter, but amicable enough. I saw her a few times after that and I always kept my composure and friendliness. She then went cold on me when she found out I started dating other women (this was months after SHE broke up with me, and I concluded there was no hope of getting her back. She had also flirted with another guy within my presence before I started dating again). I did not date anyone seriously, and I did not bring a woman around in front of my ex (mutual friends told her). Anyway, even after she went cold and rude on me, I continued to take the high road and kept things civil with her, smiling and nodding hello whenver I ran into her.

Given her "too nice" comment and the fact that she clearly wanted to get a rise out of me by going cold/rude, is there a point when a guy can actually be "too nice" to a girl? Should I ignore her, called her a bitch when she broke up with me or when she went cold on me?

Do women really want a nice, decent, considerate guy, or the bad boy type?

Updates:
I appreciate all the comment, but I am still left confused. Is that a nice guy represents someone that is easily attainable, where as an asshole is plays harder to get by nature?


Do women want what they can't have? All these "nice" guys falling at their feet, paying them all sorts of complements are simply "too easy"?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Women require two things in a mate.

    Physical and mental stimulation.

    The physical can be found in the "bad" guy. The bad guy is usually tall, good looking, and confident. Things women can find attractive. Now, keep in mind, bad guys BECOME bad guys because they REALIZE they are good looking, tall, and confident, they've let their arrogance overtake them. The girl doesn't like his shitty attitude, she just likes EVERYTHING else.

    The mental part, comes from sensitivity and support. Women DO LOVE sensitive and understanding guys. But this can't be FOUND in the bad guy, so she usually confides in a sweet and sensitive friend (often a male who is ALSO looking to get with her, but is too shy to ask her out).

    Thus, the woman is forced to split her needs between two guys, and often where the whole "nice guys" finish last stigma comes in.

    In order to be the PERFECT guy, a man superior to both the bad AND the good guy, you need to blend these two worlds together. Strong, confident, sensitive, but NOT willing to bullshit. Hers or anyone else's. You need to be a good guy who pushes back. That's how I figure it anyway.

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What Girls Said 9

  • 1. I think you'd be hard pressed to find any person who is completely nice, or completely a jerk. Most people are a combination of nice and jerk, though they may lean more toward one than the other.

    2. Nice is the bare minimum that many women look for in a man. If I don't think you're a nice person, I'm not going to want anything to do with you. But nice on it's own doesn't equal attraction, compatibility, etc. Nice isn't enough for me to want to be in a relationship with someone.

    3. What does "nice" mean? It might mean that you're a good person who is considerate, caring, empathetic, treats others well, etc. It could just mean that you're unoffensive (i.e. there's nothing particularly bad about you). Sometimes its used to mean other things, either because the person doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or because they aren't sure what other word to use to describe you. For example, it can mean boring, or it can mean passive (e.g. you're a doormat who lets other people walk all over you, who just agrees with other people instead of sharing your own opinions, etc.). In that case, you might be nice, but maybe you're *too* nice, in a way that's off-putting to people (i.e. they're afraid of taking advantage of you, or see it as unattractive that you let other people take advantage of you).

    4. Most people think they're "nice", but not everyone actually is.

    5. What is a "bad boy"/asshole/jerk? I hear it all the time, that "women love jerks", but I'm still not clear on what particularly makes these guys jerks.

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    • ha ha...thanks...i was on a train once with my girlfriend and wanted to give me seat to a woman. my girlfriend wanted me to keep sitting next to her and said I was being "too nice".

    • Eh, I'd see it as considerate. Taking issue with it because she wanted you to keep sitting next to her sounds kind of clingy.

  • "is there a point when a guy can actually be "too nice" to a girl?"

    Yes. It's at the point where you become a spineless doormat who says "yes dear" to everything just to avoid conflict. No, you shouldn't start arguing just for the hell of it, but neither should you be afraid to speak up about your opinions and take action if something is bothering you. Basically, too nice = passive.

    "Should I ignore her, called her a bitch when she broke up with me or when she went cold on me?"

    Ignoring her is the best option. Calling her names and being rude won't get you anywhere.

    "Do women really want a nice, decent, considerate guy, or the bad boy type?"

    Any normal woman with some sense in her head would rather want a nice guy. However, just because you're nice it doesn't automatically make you attractive, nor does it guarantee that any future girlfriends will never find a reason to break up with you.

    "Do women want what they can't have?"

    Yes and no. They might want someone that they can't have for a short period of time. But it becomes boring in the long run, so then they'll move on to someone who is available.

    "All these "nice" guys falling at their feet, paying them all sorts of complements are simply "too easy"?"

    Partially, yeah. Women want to be treated as equals, and very few like it when someone decides to fall to their feet and shower them with compliments. Yeah, compliments are good, but only in moderation. If you hold back a little on the compliments, they'll become much more appreciated and they'll feel more genuine.

    All in all, you won't win if you decide to become a douche bag, at least not if you want to find a girlfriend. All you've gotta do is start acting like a passive doormat.

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    • All you gotta do is STOP acting like a passive doormat*

    • Thanks for the analysis.

  • i don't want some pussy ass punk for a boyfriend. I wouldn't respect him. I want a man who treats me with respect but at the same time is not weak and wimpy.

    a lot of self proclaimed nice guys are really passive aggressive as fuck, and to me that is a sign of cowardice. if you feel X way but you are seething on the inside and too scared to say it, I would respect a person like this less because I can tell you feel some type of way but I know you're too scared to express yourself.

    nice guys = passive aggressive

    jerks = abusive/aggressive

    ideal guy = assertive with maybe a hint of aggressiveness when necessary (like when he needs to defend or protect himself/his woman)

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  • I've never understood why a lot of girls like bad boys. I've never been attracted to that type of personality. But all guys nice or not are assholes sometimes so I think that's desired a bit too, since I'm a little that way.

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  • I rather have a douche

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  • I wouldn't chase a guy that was hard to get. If a guy was playing hard to get I'd think he wasn't interested in me. To me a bad boy is one who takes risks, is exciting, and manly, won't be pushed around, sticks up for what he believes. A bad boy doesn't play hard to get, he pursues what he wants.

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  • Women are sexually attracted to bad boys but emotionally attracted to nice guys. We want a combo of both.

    To the world: asshole

    For her: prince charming

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    • Ok...so what do I do then? How does that translate into some kind of behavior I can implement to attract women?

    • Be confident. Be very brash with your words and actions. Stand out. Girls will flock. When you pick the right girl, show your sweet side preferably in private.

    • Thanks

  • Cant speak for everyone but I can sure use a nice, loving considerate man right about now..

    I'll always vote for the nice guy,

    It's just hard to tell who's really a nice guy..by time we are able to decipher whos genuine or who's not..it's to late.

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  • Right in the middle. I want him to be 'bad' enough that I'm attracted to him, but not a complete prick. He should be kind hearted but be able to tell me what's on his mind, or tell me if I'm doing something that upsets him or that he doesn't approve of. Don't tell me he doesn't exist, either, because I'm engaged to him.

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    • exactly. if a girl is too nice, I feel bad because I don't want to take away her innocence. I want her to be even less innocent than me so I don't feel guilty and can pursue her without worry.

What Guys Said 9

  • In my experience say they want a nice guy because they possess qualities that are more suited for long term relationships. But good guys can often be considered boring because they don't take wild chances, they play things safe, and you know what your getting. A lot of people (men and women) seek adventure in their lives.

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  • I think the "nice" guy is the guy the girl ends up with after realizing all of the assholes she's dated in her life will end up to be nothing but an asshole. Usually takes until mid20s to 30s to realize this in my observation

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  • It depends on the girl really. My girlfriend sees me as nice in turn, but I still show my human side. That way she realizes I do have a bad side too. That way she gets the idea that I won't allow myself to be walked over by her or others.

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  • just not a push-over, ass-kisser

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  • girls want a nice guy with a backbone and assertiveness.

    the end.

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  • Neither. Women want stable confident men.

    "Stable" = "Nice"

    "Confident" = "Bad"

    In essence the two misnomers lead to idiot behaviors.

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    • It's not ease of access it's amount of effort.

      "Nice Guys" require little input since by default they are self-training. There's no investment in something that just molds and fixes itself to your comfort.

      "Bad Boys" requires a TON of input since by default they are highly resistant to training. Any small victory took momentous effort.

  • Me and my girlfriend have talked about this. She claims that women love nice guys. The funny thing is that the more of an arsehole I became (because when I was a nice guy I kept getting screwed over, which led to me no longer trusting women) the more women were interested in me. My girlfriend (as well as a few others) wrote to me after reading my profile on a dating site, where I specifically made myself sound like a complete arsehole. I got 0 responses when I sounded like a nice guy. I've seen and experienced the difference it makes.

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  • Girls want a tough bad boy who will sometimes be nice to her.

    Look, this is best learned by example. Men that women find pretty hot:

    Daniel Craig's James Bond. Not a nice person. Polite and courteous to random bystanders, but not a "nice" guy.

    Various Ryan Reynolds characters: has wit, has humor, but mostly is not just a "nice" person unless it's to family.

    Robert Downy Jr: when's the last time you saw him play a "nice" guy?

    Timothy Olyphant's Raylan Givens: not a "nice" guy. He's usually just polite enough to his coworkers, but when he has something more important in sight, he'll do what he wants.

    The point is this: Don't be nice!

    I used to be a nice guy, so I hope I can explain it. A nice guy just wants to be agreeable. He's like a diplomat--constantly avoiding conflict, remarks that could offend, being too bold or brash. He's got the "customer service" approach--maybe if he's nice and agreeable, the customer/girl will like him.

    That's boring. Awful. Bad.

    The more interesting, amusing guy (not yet 'the most interesting man in the world' but following in his footsteps) is a guy who speaks his mind. He doesn't really care about offending a girl--in fact, he sometimes gives her teasing barbs just to have fun getting a rise out of her. He has his own goals, he makes jokes at people's expense, he is brash, and bold about his intentions.

    The difference in these two types can be summarized by girls' remarks.

    Nice guy:

    Girl smiles. "You're such a sweet guy. You'll be a great boyfriend for some lucky girl someday."

    Amusing guy:

    Girl laughs, grinning, "You're such an ass, I don't even feel bad saying it."

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    • haha...nice (pun intended!)...thanks.

      a woman I know told me I should think james bond, as well.

  • "too nice" is a euphemism for "boring".

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