Am I his backup plan?

A couple of years ago, I reconnected with an old HS friend via Facebook. After I went through a divorce, he pm'd me and asked all about how I was doing and what was with my new "single" status, the offered his condolences when I explained.

What followed, after a few months of quiet after my divorce, was an off/on flirtationship with him via phone, text, Facebook, etc. We won't talk for months at a time, then he'll pm me or tag me in a post, and it starts up again. One time his renewed behavior came after I broke up with a boyfriend of 6 months...again, FB status change and a pm message asking about my being single. Another time it came after I posted a meme he thought was hysterical, and he messages me about that. He generally begins with something like, "how's the dating scene down there?" As if he's trying to find out I'm single for sure.

We have incredible conversations; he's very intelligent and witty and can go toe to toe with me in rapt debates and make me laugh myself silly. We hooked up once in a hotel room in our hometown, with wine and conversation followed by sex, and had one elaborate dinner that involved his making me steak, scallops, etc...and pouring glasses of wine at his home.

However, we live 4 hours away from each other. So that's really the extent of it.

Is this guy a jerk who wants to just keep me on file, as a plan B?

Is he stringing me along in case we're ever in the same town?

Am I just a piece of ass to him, now that I've slept with him (the wine and convo and sex hookup happened 5 months ago; the elaborate date happened (no sex) happened 2 years ago)

I don't get why a guy would drive 3 hours back to his hometown to get laid, when he lives in a major city (KC) and could get anyone for just sex.

And I don't get why he would interrogate me all about what my future goals are, unless he's just trying to seem gentlemanly and chivalrous in his casual sex endeavors.

As you can imagine, I'm a bit stuck on him at the moment. Last time, I let go of him eventually and moved on and dated someone else. And I know I will again...but I'm wondering if I need to just ignore him the next time (if and when) he starts messaging again.

Updates:
PS: I guess I just can't understand why a guy would keep seeking a girl out, from 4 hours away, and have all these serious conversations, if its just sex. And if lives somewhere with lots of single girls.

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What Guys Said 1

  • P.s. I was eeading patiently and openly until you made a grade A silly woman move. For some reason after telling us a story abouts casual relationship where the guy goes out of his way to see how you are, make you laugh, cook for you, travelled two hours to see you... And what do you say to start the question off to your readers?

    'Is this guy a jerk...is he stringing me along?'

    The nerve of you... Ok, I'll put your disregard for manors to one side and tell you the truth of the matter. When guys grow up and become confident, they are increasingly more direct with women as to what direction he'd like the relationship to go in. If he hasn't told you he wants to settle down with you. It's obvious that he doesn't! He's not using you for anything, you are both sexually attracted to wack other and infant if we look at who's adding the most value... Lets be honest, he's going the extra mile, literally!

    This comes down to you being realistic with your age and time. I am the leading man that pioneers, 'Dont take time away from a woman if you uarentl willing to commit.' But equally If you desire more of a commitment, then you come directly out and say this. Because believe it or not, he's genuinely been a nice guy, who's sexually attracted to you and who has treated you correctly for a man who wants to sleep with a woman and be friendly.

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    • I don't understand. So he wants to sleep with me and be friendly, and not settle down with me? So yeah, I'm basically a girl in his contact list. I'm not saying he took advantage of me- at all. I'm saying he runs hot and cold. Before you out me down, please understand that I am enamored with this guy...and a bit heartbroken when, after months of flirting, he then disappears for a while. And that I drove to his town to see him on the dinner date.

    • Firstly, I don't even know what enamoured means, but I'm guessing it has something to do with a deep love for. Secondly, have you told him of your feelings and where you wish this relationship develops too?

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