What do I do when the guy I like won't commit to me?

We have been dating for 4 months. He has not asked me to be his gf yet. He knows I kind of would like that..I have not been putting pressure on him for it..but everynow and then I do get a bit frustrated at him. I question him often being like how can you keep expecting me to act like I am in a relationship (not talk to other guys/ see them etc) and yet not actually be in a relationship..he keeps making up excuses being like well its not ready yet..etc etc I feel he doesn't actually want a relationship with me and yet he keeps saying he only wants me. He is quite secretive with things like his phone as well. I jsut don't know what to believe. I am sick of dating I want a relationship or to be with other guys. Whenever I say this to him he gets angry and things just dont seem to be progressing and I feel stuck. What do i do? I do not think I am being pushy or needy for a relationship its jsut he basically makes me act like I am in one..so I dont see why I can't have the benefit of actually being in one. It is almost like he wants his cake and to eat it too


Most Helpful Girl

  • DoctorSec is right. You two aren't on the same page and he isn't ready for more. I think this sets up so much bad feelings for you to endure, best to walk away from this one in spite of the fact that you may care for him.

    BUT you can learn from this. If you are not the type of girl who wants to get involved (read, have sex) with men who are not committed, you must state your preference at the outset to see if the guy wants the same thing.

    Now MANY men will LIE, saying they want something real just to get inside your pants, it's hard to know who's honest and who's not. So you can make them wait. If they stick around in spite of no sex, it means usually they too are looking for more.

    Men bond differently than woman, and we think sex makes them fall in love, it doesn't.

    • That is the thing I have said many times to him i think we are imcompatible want different things etc everytime i bring it up though he says im being silly or irrational and to calm down and that we do want the same things just to stop forcing things just let it happen. but nothing ever changes. i don't really want to walk away but i know he isn't right. its just hard when you want a relationship right now and the person is keeping you on a string and won't really let you go or bombards you with affection everytime you try and end it..

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    • yea very often when a guy "fools me" its not that i didn't think what he did was a possibility in fact instinctively i think girls know when things are off but because they may love the guy or care for him they just choose to ignore it or give the benefit of the doubt because we do not think that they would sink so low. its not that we are fools just sometimes i think some people who have a good heart find it hard to understand or even contemplate how someone can do such things or lie so much.

    • Time to call his bluff, tell him it'd over. Tell him YOU don't want to be friends, and since he's never respected your needs, you can no longer respect his.

      As girls, we all suffer to some degree trying to understand and love our guy, but that has to stop when he's not giving it back.

      It's the old, if you love someone set them free... if he comes back, he's yours. If not, then you know what you need to know and aren't wasting your life, your time, your energy and heart on someone who just isn't the right one. Good luck.


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What Guys Said 3

  • 4 months is a long time to be seeing each other exclusively and not be in some sort of relationship. If he is secretive about his phone and he is saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship, that sounds likes he doesn't want to be exclusive and might not be.

    Over time you will learn to accept someones decision better. It is his life, he gets to decide what he wants. If he doesn't want a relationship, then accept that decision. The only decision you have to make is whether or not that is good enough for you to stay around.

    • it is not that i want to force him into a relationship i know you can't make someone do that. but it seems he is forcing me to act as if i am in a relationship. i think he wants me to be exclusive but maybe he is not being I think you are right. I guess me suggesting a relationship is testing him to see if his actions match his words. It is him who suggested exclusitivity in the first place. and its him that says we can't be with anyone else. So if he is not doing those things seems hypocritical to me.

  • If he doesn't want to commit and you do, you need to accept your decision to walk away. People can't change people, but people can change themselves. If you persuade him to commit and then he treats you ad or cheats on you, you have only yourself to blame.

    • Yea I understand what you are saying. I don't know what to do though. I feel I can't keep waiting for him to commit. I dont want to feel like I am making him but Its really ahrd to walk away so i don't know what to do.Everytime I try and leave he won't let me...

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    • Ommmgggg this ipad is killing me!!

      *You know that you should let him go, you know that you have issues you need to work through, but have you taken the time to realise how your life would be if you didn't have these insecurities. When did you take the time to realise the pain your causing yourself by staying in this relationship?and by that I mean,

      Have you seen, IMAGINED, the experience of being happy without him? Of being confident, in control, content in yourself without needing others attention?' Have you really realised this inside yourself?

      This is what I'm getting at.

    • yea i get what you are saying. I guess I stay because I feel having someone is better than having no one. And he does sometimes make me feel good. but it is not making me feel good anymore knowing he is probably seeing other women and he constantly puts me down. I am not really confident about being alone. I guess I feel I need this guy because he is a bandaid covering an old wound. While I am with him I dont think about my ex. whenever i try and break up with him i think i go back to him not because I want him but because I am in pain over my ex without him.

  • Kidnap him, and handcuff him to your bed. You win :D


What Girls Said 4

  • This definitely sounds like a tough situation (for you, unfortunately). More often than not, if a guy wants to be in a relationship with you, he'll commit to you by asking you to be his girlfriend and he won't give you excuses as to why he's not ready for a relationship. You've put yourself out there by telling him you're ready for a relationship, but you're still stuck in this rut. You sound pretty frustrated with your current situation, so I think you should do one of two things: either give him an ultimatum (i.e. he needs to commit to you or you'll find someone else), or just tell him you're tired of explaining your feelings to him (and not getting anywhere) and you're going to move on. You deserve to have your guy WANT to be your boyfriend, especially after being with him for four months. Good luck!

    • I have tried both approaches. I have tried the gentle insinuation of being together and he doesn't take it seriously. When i try the strong full on approach as to why we aren't together yet and yet he makes me act like we are together he calls me irrational and to calm down and that he wants me and no one else. Either way no matter how I approach the topic it ends up when i wake up the next day to have gotten nowhere as if I didn't even raise it. so i don't know what to do.

    • Then I think your only option is to move on. It doesn't sound like you're going to get anywhere with him. And the fact that you don't really trust him just makes it worse. Look at it this way: do you really and truly want a boyfriend who doesn't respect your wishes, doesn't listen to you, apparently leads you on, and isn't trustworthy?

  • He is having his cake and eating it too because you're allowing it to happen. He can't treat you poorly unless you allow it. With that said, If you want a relationship then find someone who is willing and as eager as you are to be with you. Dont settle for less, as you are doing right now. And he probably won't let you see his phone because he is talking to other girls. I'm just saying.

    If you want better, then get better.Good luck.

    • Im trying not to allow it. Lately we keep fighting because I won't drop it. I have tried gentle approaches to things that bug me and he does not seem to take me seriously. When I am forceful about something he calls me irrational and to calm down and that it is all in my head and he wants me and only me. no matter approach I take when I wake up the next day it seems to be nothing ever changes to how I want and it is as if I have never raised the topic. Whenever I say I am unhappy with something he will then flip to how I am being ungrateful and list all these things he does for me.I don't know what to do

    • *We accept the love we think we deserve.*

      So if you have tried and he continues doing things you don't like, find someone else.Good luck.

    • And by the way, you do know what to do. You're just choosing to not do it. You have a lot to say about his behavior and yours, so you're not that naive. So if you stay in this situation, it because you want to stay in it. But I'm guessing thats how some people have to learn.

  • this happened to me before and i realised how self centred he was and how possessive and insecure he was too. it is good that things come to an end, we are never meant to be. if a guy can't be fair to you and wouldn't want to commit, then it is best to move on

  • He's a narcissistic jerk and he isn't going to change. You are right he wants his cake and eat it too. I dated someone like that he will never change. Dump him. It's not you it's him.