How to have the "What are we" conversation with a guy I'm dating?

Hey, so I met this guy online a little over a month ago. We've been on about 5-6 dates. So pretty much hanging out at least once a week. I've met some of his friends and he's met some of my friends and we've fooled around a little. Just to give some back story. I really like him and I think he likes me but I think we're both a little reserved when it comes to putting our feelings out there. I'm going to be hanging out with him again in a couple days and I just want to know if I should ask him (causally) the typical what are we question. I'm not looking for commitment right away, I just wantt to see where I stand.
Also he deleted his online profile but hasn't mentioned anything to me about it. So I'm assuming he isn't talking to other girls...

Updates:
Also does it mean anything that he deleted his online profile? Is that a good sign?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well if you aren't looking for commitment right away then I don't think you need to necessarily worry about it right now. Its still fairly early like you said. And if you aren't looking for it right away, then how soon would you be looking for it? Sorry I'm just trying to understand better. If you would be ok with being together officially within the next 2-3 months then you could say something like "are we just friends, or more than that?" somewhere in between those months. If you want to wait a little longer to commit then I would ask around the time you felt more comfortable committing, which is why I asked how soon would you be looking to commit.

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    • I wouldn't mind committing sooner than later. I guess I just don't want to seem to overeager and push him away.

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    • As you and him reveal more, I'm sure things about a relationship will come up.

    • Thanks and good luck.

What Guys Said 12

  • As a guy, I can say there's nothing so likely to make me get nervous about being with a girl as the "what are we" conversation if it happens in a way that feels like she's fishing for "commitment". I've fallen into every committed relationship I've had. I didn't decide to commit. I just found that somehow, I had. I don't know if other guys are like me that way, but if a new gf started hammering me about it (and I have a pretty high sensitivity so it doesn't take much to count as hammering) I'd be out the door like a shot.

    The reason for that is that what I feel for a girl is not something I can control. I either have strong feelings or I don't, and when she asks, I either have to think she's testing me to decide if I'm worth keeping or that she's about to demand that I do something I probably won't want to do as a condition of remaining with her.

    For me, it's best to just be with someone, without trying to categorize and pigeon hole the relationship, letting connections form organically and enjoying each other's company. Who knows? Some day we may find ourselves with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a house in the burbs. Or we might find ourselves somewhere else.

    I think the Supremes said it best. www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ7uXX9K7Sk&feature=kp

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  • Guys don't like to talk, they demonstrate
    like removing their profile
    so be assured something will arise on its own to precipitate
    an action out of him that will clearly understood by you as to what this relationship has come to be.
    Gals like to rush things = vocalizing
    Guys are uncomfortable with vocalizing = seems like they don't rush

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  • Sometimes you just have to let things progress on their own. You will know if he is wasting your time. Trying to rush a guy is like poking a tiger with a stick. The reaction might not be what you want.

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  • It is usually the woman that has issues with commitment. Ur best off letting him know how you feel so he can tell you how he feels. He deleted his profile which means she doesn't want to see other women he only wants to see you. If you wait you could end up losing each other

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  • Yes, absolutely ask. Implying relationship status without official conversation means someone will be emotionally hurt.

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  • Just ask. Either he then feels comfortable letting down his guard and commiting to you or you scare away someone regardless will never want to be in a commited relationship with you unless all other offers he deems superior expire. I understand you might think you don't want to scare him away if you can just keep fooling around with him so that you can at least be with him in some way. Buy what's worse, you scaring him away now or him never committing because you let him get away with not commiting

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  • I like having this conversation, so if it was me I would hope she just speaks her mind when we have time top talk.

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  • animals dont ask what are we neither should u

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  • Ask. And deleting his online profile, sign he wants to focus on you. Good luck!

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  • It could mean something that he deleted his profile, but you really just need to have the talk. I just went through something similar and was incredibly hurt since the person thought there was nothing wrong to be going out with me and someone else (and doing some things), but I partly blame myself since we hadn't had the full talk and she never actually said we were exclusive, etc., etc. Point is, bring it up sooner rather than later, otherwise you could be hurt far more than you may currently imagine.

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What Girls Said 8

  • I suggest you write how you feel in a letter and read it to him...get out all of your emotions and that you want to be a couple (I'm assuming you want to be one)...I think he'll be flattered and will appreciate your honesty...part of being in a relationship is being open...so why not start now?

    This is what I did with my BF...we had been hanging out and going on what I thought were dates for about a month and a half...then after I left his place...he got really nervous and asked me what I'd say if he asked me out...I looked at him weird and said isn't that what we've been doing?

    So there was confusion...and I told him straight up that I don't know where I stand with him and where this is going...he was thankful that I took the initiative to say something..and it turned out when he wanted to "ask me out"...to him that meant be BF/GF...

    Just go for it..and good luck!

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    • hmm writing only works if the guys is sure about what he wants. if he likes the girl but is not sure about commitment, it might scare him away!

  • I prefer to be blunt when it comes to this conversation. I say something like "Hey, so are you my boyfriend, or what?"

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  • I asked my current boyfriend 'what are we' right before we got in a relationship. So my advice to you is to just ask "what are we" if you are thinking about being in a relationship with him and roll with it. Be direct. Don't hint around because some people can't easily pick up on hints.

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  • Him deleting his profile is a really good sign. It can be scary to put your self out there and be the first to ask a big question. It takes a lot of courage I believe. But if you're confident enough to ask and know you're going to hear the response you want.. Then I would ask just for your own reassurance. If he has gone on 6 dates with you and brought you around his friends, those are big signs that you are potential girlfriend material. But if you are a little uncertain of his feelings and you have mixed signals, maybe it would be best to wait it out longer. Boys are afraid of commitment and depending on his astrology sign you could scare him off. Good luck to you! Let us know how it turns out!

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  • I would say if he is showing he is interested etc than dont ask, because if he realllly want to bring it up he probably would and he probably will when the time is right.
    By asking him that especially when things are going well it will show that you are insecure, just be you and he will probably bring it up.

    But if you really need to know and its important to know now than why not ask :)

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  • My boyfriend and I met each other through an online dating site as well except we had already seen each other prior to our first date. Just like you guys him and I would make out and fool around. Then my guy friend told me that I had to have the talk with him because I wasn't obliged to do any of that unless I was his gf. I was so nervous but in the end he asked me to be his girl and that meant everything to me. I say have the talk you'll feel relieved afterwards and if he doesn't take the next step, do what you think is best for you. Good luck!

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  • I really think it's too soon for you guys to have that talk. You've only been on a handful of dates. Give it another month or so first. Chances are he feels like he's really into you but having this conversation so early might push him way

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    • if talking pushes someone away, they are not good for relationships. its just talking no ones forcing anyone to do anything they dont want to.

    • What? I thought that after 4-5 dates is the *average* (roughly) time that you ask about commitment...

  • just ask, i did that. this is exactly what i said 'hey im just wondering if you're seeing someone else' then he was like blah blah and i waslike 'okay then what am i to you' then he said 'you're my girlfriend' so like just do it. it took me like 3 goes to get the words out, trust me you'll feel better whether its a good thing or a bad thing. you'll know the truth

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