Will you give me some feedback on this book I wrote?

http://w.tt/1SnWG9NN

Please don't automatically assume its bad because I'm 13, and then not even read it. Also, please don't sugarcoat feedback on it because I'm young. I wrote it for a contest and I need honest feesback.

Its called the hunter, for the wattpad and deviantart twist fate challenge, where the villain becomes the hero or vice versa.

This is a Bambi one. It's also the only Bambi book entered for this contest as far as I know.

Thank you

Updates:
by the way, its a short story, less then 2500 words

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm going to go over some criticisms I have with it so you can be aware of them. Note, I am NOT a professional writer, and I hope you do not take my criticisms too harshly. I just want to share what I think and let you decide what to do with it.

    Things I've noticed:
    - The grammar needs work-- specifically punctuation. Example: "Her face was pale, she wasn't dead, but I knew if we didn't find her food soon, she wouldn't make it." If I heard someone speak that, it would sound fine. However, upon reading it, it is awkwardly stated. It is like that throughout. There are many fragments that stand out. It makes it difficult to focus on the story.

    - Sentence fragments. Using sentence fragments can really improve a story to give a rushed/frantic feel. However, I would say it is overused. It feels like it needs more complex sentences and varied sentence structure. Also, there are WAY too many simple sentences starting with subject (most of them being "I" or "she") and then finishing off with the action/predicate (with the direct object).

    - I feel like it could use some more expressiveness in the writing, like more exploration of the senses. It comes off as almost too straightforward. Feel free to really express emotions explicitly with imagery. Similes, metaphors, and allusions are also super helpful.
    Example: saying "I yelled" tells us the person is loud. Alright. However, saying "I yelled bitterly," gives the reader more context behind the yell. Context gives emotion, and emotion helps make more sense of the story / makes the characters more human and real.

    - The way some of it is written almost sounds like a journal. Example: "... and it fell to the ground. I smiled." Another example: "... was nudging the baby out of the way, I silently thank God that it was there." The explicit saying of 'I did this' or 'I thought that' comes off as awkward in my opinion. This kind of goes hand in hand with the previous points I made.
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    I suggest looking at a well renowned book written in first person (and a book actually well written) and really analyzing the writing and grammar. Really dive deep in and take note of how they write. Look at their similes, metaphors, onomatopoeia, allusions, anaphora, parallels, etc., and then look at their sentence structure, paragraph formations, and such.

    I actually do like your content to the story, but it could use some grammar and English expressiveness help to really nail it! :D

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