Why do men say they are happy but still sneak around and look at porn?

My boyfriend and I have been saving money to buy me an engagement ring. He tells me how much he loves my and our family usually more than twice a day. He says he's never been so close to anyone and has never felt love so deeply before he met me. Everything was going so good or so I thought. I received my credit card statement in the mail with charges I didn't recognize, so I called the credit company. They told me they were two different adults only websites. When I confronted my boyfriend about it, he finally admitted to it but couldn't/wouldn't give me a reason why. I played around enough and ended up discovering his username and password. He was looking at the sites very late at night and before going to work in the mornings. Not only was he looking at the porn, but he ended up trying to chat with a few different women. Most of them he was just asking to chat, but one he asked to hookup with. None of them responded to him but it's still just the thought of it. He says he was just doing it for fun, and promises that he doesn't want to hookup with anyone. He said with tears in his eyes, he was very sorry and didn't mean to hurt me or our family, and it will never happed again. I've asked him why several times and he says he doesn't know why. I think he is sorry because he got caught and is embarrassed. He has slept on the couch for the last several nights, I won't hardly talk to him, and when he tries to touch me I just cringe and pull away. Should I try to forgive him and work through this, or is does he have a problem? I love him and would like to work this out, I just can't stand the thought that if we ever get back to a sex, I am going to assume he is thinking of someone else. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Has anyone else had any experience like this-please share I need some advice badly.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Guys look at porn. The internet makes it too easy. I wouldn't worry about it unless the subject matter was untoward. If it's some kind of sicko 12 year old site, then you have a problem. If it's your average male-female site, then it's not a big deal. Porn is just images of naked women (sometimes doing - so I've heard - some crazy things).

    And that's all it is. He shouldn't be trying to hook-up with anyone. I had a psych class once with a guy who said he was a "porn addict" and who told me that porn acts on the brain's pleasure centers and has an effect similar to cocaine. I don't know if that's true, but it makes sense given the primal nature of libido. This might be an old habit of his that has carried over and that he wishes hadn't. There are certainly lines not to be crossed (fantasy reality - expecting you to be like one of those girls), but, given that it's something he's doing in secret I think he knows that.

    My opinion is that you're right to be pissed about him contacting anyone on the site (even though "she" is probably one of their tech guy's covering two positions), but as for the thing in general, I think you're over-reacting.

    Think about this - nymag.com picked up an additional 34 million visits (usually they get 6) on the first Monday that the Lindsey Lohan photos were there. Those are clean pics, but the point is that 34 million people flocked there.