Why do men say they are happy but still sneak around and look at porn?

My boyfriend and I have been saving money to buy me an engagement ring. He tells me how much he loves my and our family usually more than twice a day. He says he's never been so close to anyone and has never felt love so deeply before he met me. Everything was going so good or so I thought. I received my credit card statement in the mail with charges I didn't recognize, so I called the credit company. They told me they were two different adults only websites. When I confronted my boyfriend about it, he finally admitted to it but couldn't/wouldn't give me a reason why. I played around enough and ended up discovering his username and password. He was looking at the sites very late at night and before going to work in the mornings. Not only was he looking at the porn, but he ended up trying to chat with a few different women. Most of them he was just asking to chat, but one he asked to hookup with. None of them responded to him but it's still just the thought of it. He says he was just doing it for fun, and promises that he doesn't want to hookup with anyone. He said with tears in his eyes, he was very sorry and didn't mean to hurt me or our family, and it will never happed again. I've asked him why several times and he says he doesn't know why. I think he is sorry because he got caught and is embarrassed. He has slept on the couch for the last several nights, I won't hardly talk to him, and when he tries to touch me I just cringe and pull away. Should I try to forgive him and work through this, or is does he have a problem? I love him and would like to work this out, I just can't stand the thought that if we ever get back to a sex, I am going to assume he is thinking of someone else. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Has anyone else had any experience like this-please share I need some advice badly.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Guys look at porn. The internet makes it too easy. I wouldn't worry about it unless the subject matter was untoward. If it's some kind of sicko 12 year old site, then you have a problem. If it's your average male-female site, then it's not a big deal. Porn is just images of naked women (sometimes doing - so I've heard - some crazy things).

    And that's all it is. He shouldn't be trying to hook-up with anyone. I had a psych class once with a guy who said he was a "porn addict" and who told me that porn acts on the brain's pleasure centers and has an effect similar to cocaine. I don't know if that's true, but it makes sense given the primal nature of libido. This might be an old habit of his that has carried over and that he wishes hadn't. There are certainly lines not to be crossed (fantasy reality - expecting you to be like one of those girls), but, given that it's something he's doing in secret I think he knows that.

    My opinion is that you're right to be pissed about him contacting anyone on the site (even though "she" is probably one of their tech guy's covering two positions), but as for the thing in general, I think you're over-reacting.

    Think about this - nymag.com picked up an additional 34 million visits (usually they get 6) on the first Monday that the Lindsey Lohan photos were there. Those are clean pics, but the point is that 34 million people flocked there.


What Guys Said 3

  • If you want to move forward in your relationship, you will have to talk through this. Treating him badly will only make honest communication more difficult. You could give him another chance, and tell him if it happens again, you are through with him. It is possible he was just playing out a fantasy.

  • There's 2 things you have to understand about your boyfriend. First of all he's a man so he's addicted to sex like all men. That's why he looks at porn. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you or anything it just comes with the fact that men love sex and porn is so easily available.

    The 2nd thing is that he clearly loves you a lot and he doesn't want to cheat on you and he sounds like the kind of guy who never will. Looking at porn doesn't affect how what he thinks of you (including sex). I'd talk to him about it and give him another chance. But you have to make it clear how much the porn stuff hurts and that its gotta stop. Work with him through it because I doubt he'll find it easy. But there's no reason why everything won't be fine between you guys. Just remember that porn has nothing to do with his relationship with you and what he thinks of you.

    • He's always said he's happy with our sex life, but after the porn thing I really doubted him-I guess that's part of the reason it did hurt me. But you don't think it has anything to do with it, he might be telling me the truth?

    • I think he's telling the truth. It sounds like you guys had a really good thing going. I'm not defending his actions but this porn thing is way too trivial to destroy what you guys had. You have to understand the porn has no effect on his opinion of you.

What Girls Said 4

  • It is natural to want to look at porn. Its just wrong when your man hides and lies to you about it. Your not bad for feeling this way. He shouldn't not asked to hook up with a girl. That's way out of line in my eyes. That's almost as close to cheating. ITS YOUR CHOICE if you wanna break out with him or not. Trust your gut. weight the pros and cons..

  • I would definitely be upset about this situation. You should ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned on him. He wouldn't be happy either. It's not alright to hide things from you either. If he can't tell you what he's doing then he shouldn't do it at all. I think you will have a hard time trying to trust him when he's on the computer again. However, I do think there is a reason why he did what he did. If you're not satisfying his needs then he probably thinks looking at porn is better than hooking up with someone else. I would have him go with you to speak to a therapist. This would give you great insight on how both of you feel and how you can make things better without giving up on the relationship. Good Luck!

    • That is part of the confusion! He says he is completely satisfied with our sex life. He is all the time telling me how sexy I am, and he never thought he'd be with someone as sexy as me. I just laugh and tell him "thanks". I

    • Guys really don't look at porn because we're not satisfied. Guys just do.

  • You should try and work through this. All men ARE and will be addicted to sex because they are MEN. So If he's looking at porn then, you know why now. You're not wrong for feeling this way, every woman will feel this way when they catch their boyfriends looking at porn. He probably was just playing around with the hookup thing, to see what would happen. The real question is: Are you giving him enough of what he needs? Becuase if not, that's probably why he's looking at porn. No offense, so forgive and think about it. :3

  • If he really did message someone trying to hook up, that is crossing a major line, with intended cheating. If not cheating all ready. Work through it if you want, but he BETTER f***ing prove himself to you, because that is completely unacceptable. p*rn is one thing, chatting and actually INTERACTING (or trying to) with another woman is flat out wrong.