I need to set boundaries in a situation, but what specific steps to perform to set them up?

A guy has been using me for awhile (although he constantly proclaims he's not - he's all talk and no action) with some, but little change in his actions. Not enough change to continue down this same road with him. I need some help establishing some specific boundaries. I know what I want to accomplish, but not sure how to get there. (What I ultimately want is to be completely over him if he's only using me and I believe he is, but that may be a time process). His rate of attitude change towards me has been evident, but slow (a few years just to get this far). If he's going to ever come around that's great, but I'm tired of suffering and waiting and I need things to transform. He admits he’s not in love, but wants to be friends, but I’m struggling with that because I have feelings for him so that’s difficult (in fact, he gets upset if I refuse friendship even though I’ve explained the reasons – he says he’d still be friends with someone even if he had feelings for them). While I work on getting over him, I want to stop his bad behavior by changing my behavior towards him and I'm not sure what that looks like. Am I correct by not taking his calls or answering the door when he shows up? Do I take SOME of his calls, but never be available? What else can I do to redirect the way he's been treating me? What actions will actually show him I'm not his booty call? What actions will allow me to take charge of my situation that will command proper respect and/or boundaries? If more insight to what’s going is needed to offer quality answers, just ask. Thanks.

Seems most people are saying he's not going to change anymore than he already has so I should drop him. If anyone has a different opinion and knows what else I can do to make the changes I need to make please advise. If not, I'll plan to ignore him. Thanks
I dated 2 men years ago, at different times, who weren’t so into me. As I grew distant, both sought to keep me with engagement rings. If I ignore this guy he pursues harder, too, but temporarily. He’s not serious as others. Jus curious, why would that be?


Most Helpful Guy

  • its the challenge its self. yes believe or not some guys will do whatever they can if they know its hard but when its mutual and easy they lose interest. how is that I can't explain it.

    • Sounds like those guys who chase just for the challenge aren't mature enough for a real relationship and only want what they can't have... It ticks me off that he's like that, what a waste! It'll come back on him one day. I've blocked his number before, but he wormed his way back in, I'll block it again and stick to it this time. Thanks so much for putting it in perspective.

    • Can I get the best answer for that. lol

    • Yes, you may... I appreciate everyone's advice and I'm taking back my control of me and it feels good. And he's even a little responsive to it, but I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch...lol. I'm maintaining my position and I'm a Christian so I'm doing a lot of praying for the right things to happen. Thanks so much.

What Guys Said 1

  • cut him out of your life. no calls no txt. if he shows up at your house don't even answer the door or better tell him to get lost.

    • In other words I'm hearing you say don't waste any more time waiting for him to step up... Coming from a guy, are you telling me he has no intensions of doing anything better than what he has been? Am I correct? Just want to be sure that's it so I'll stand my ground against him and not give in. Knowing what I'm dealing with helps me stay focused and strong about it. Thanks for the advice.

    • Yes exactly he's not gonna change so why would you waste your time with him.

      good luck.

    • Thanks for your input and encouragement. I intend to waste no more time on him. I'm ready to be strong. I did ask an updated question (no obligation to answer unless you want to, just letting you know), but I only ask because I'm curious about the differences I've experienced with a few other guys in the past, especially if I run into that situation again, not because I'm trying to hear what I want to hear. I'm ok with the responses I've gotten because I'd rather know the truth than to keep spinning my wheels.

What Girls Said 4


    • Obvious to a point. He's made some strides, but not enough so I didn't want to hurt any chances of potential growth. However, I see your point and will let you know I've ignored him in the past (for months), but he never gives up so I was just seeking some alternative methods of reaching him as far as setting boundaries. I appreciate your response and ignoring him is something I'm talking about in my posts so I'm not against it. "FOUND SOMEONE WHO USES YOU BETTER THAN HE DOES" is good, I like it

  • Girl do what is best for you. Don't take his calls at all and when he asks why tell him how you really feel. Don't let him persuade you either because guys like this will try to take advantage of your weakness. If you want to show him you're not his booty call you have to stop being his booty call. Don't be convenient for him. Do what is best for you and if he can't get with your schedule tell him to kick rocks.

    He likes the chase. If you set boundaries and ignore him he will try to pursue you more, that's just what players do. It's fun for them. Think of Pepe LePew (sp?) and the cat he used to chase. As a matter of fact, think of all the great chase shows in history (Roadrunner and Wiley Coyote, Tom and Jerry). If the chasees just made it easy for them they would get bored but the chasers love nothing more than the thrill of the chase. He thinks you're playing around but only by ignoring him for an extended length of time and then acting cold with him when you do see him will he realize that you are not playing and he needs to leave you alone.

    Don't listen to anything he tells you because it's all bullsh*t. He just wants to use you for sex and anything that comes out of his mouth is really just game.

    • I enjoy cartoon analogies, I'm a cartoon nut and one of my faves is Pepe. I blocked his number last week and he showed up, I made him wait a few minutes before answering the door, then I told him how I felt, again (I've explained it to him before, but in 1 ear and out the other), but this time I was calm, serious and told him I meant biz. He truly seems to understand, but time will tell as I see how he treats me. I'm still gonna be "busy" and not available. He's gotta prove it, I'm worth it. Thx

  • Well when he calls and wants to spend time with you make sure it is in public, like going to dinner or movies or lunch or whatever. Not just come over to your house or his and hang out.

    • Thanks. I agree with that because it'll show what he's really after. A friendship or just trying to sleep with me. Although a friendship is too painful for me at this point. He's just going to have to understand because I'm going to do what's good for my sanity. If along the way he realizes he wants me, fine, if not, I'll keep working on getting over him and meeting someone who does want me. My thoughts are if he won't see me in public or with friends THEN refuse his calls so I can heal and move forward. Thnx

  • Stop sleeping with him. There's a boundary. Then you aren't his booty call. Start there.

    • I have, but he keeps trying. Thanks though.

    • Actually, he says he wants to stop trying to sleep with me because he wants to respect me since he's not in love, but says he's weak, yet he doesn't want me out of his life. BUT he also won't invite me places with friends or go with me and mine. Therefore, I feel used because he still wants sex sometimes w/o commitment which angers me. HE is the one who keeps calling and pursuing me though... I just wanted to know the next step for me to ensure he does right by me instead of trying to use me. Thanks.