Will you please critique my poems!!?

One look

And I knew it was real

It’s not a story book

It’s the way I feel

Her white bright smile

There is no hiding lies

She is holding me on trial

With her beautiful green eyes

Every step she takes

My heart beats hard

Every move she makes

She catches me off guard

She is beautiful

She is extravagant

She is thoughtful

She is intimate

She is my light

She is my smile

She is worth the fight

She is the best by a mile

We kiss

We hug

In the abyss

Of love

We start

to dance

In the heart

Of romance

My heart desires her

Her love is powerful

She has the cure

She is truly beautiful

A once in a lifetime girl

The one that leaves me stunned

The one that makes my world

you are my number one

See the skies being covered

With a blanket of grey cotton

See the earth’s tears fall

The sunlight has been forgotten

See puddles formation

As a cool breeze is blown

See streams into the sewer

When it will stop is unknown

Street light reflection

On a cool, silk path

Water sliding on window panes

Flood, was the aftermath

The day is darkness

Cold, wet, and slow

The night seeps in deeper

The rain continues to flow

Madness

One can call it murder

But I call it pleasure

Feeling my hand grip the knife

It is like joy beyond measure

Hiding is just as fun

From those you outrun

Did you see the artwork I made?

This art show had just begun

I love them cheering my name

The TV has given me so much fame!

No man is better at what I do

All the rest are all the same

They caught me red handed

Hands behind my back and banded

The art show is over for all to see

And my smile is greatly expanded

tell my what you people think! :)


0|0
2|2

Most Helpful Guy

  • the first one is good as a poem...personally I don't like that kind of sappy style...But its pretty well written.

    The second is intriguing and well written. You follow form quite well.

    the 3rd is really really good. I can bet you put thought into that one. You have a brief glance into the mind of the killer. you see from his angle...maybe expand on that more make the poem longer and more of his thoughts.

    I wanna pm you a poem I wrote kk see what you think.

    0|0
    0|0

What Girls Said 2

  • I like the last one the best. The first two are ok. What would make them better is if you stop repeating "she". Repetition is good, but not to excess. :) Good luck!

    0|0
    0|0
  • Thanks, now I can start my own book deal.

    0|0
    0|1

What Guys Said 1

  • i write poems to and the main thing is trying to keep a theme throgh the whole thing

    every now and then change up the ryhmeing structure if its allways the same it won't be as good

    and each stanza has to have a point and have it flow from one stanza to another

    and the first poem "every move she makes" is cliche and is parft of a song, try to change it

    teh secound one is great but one thing is add one more line to the stanzas to add another ryhme to either "A" or "C"

    0|0
    0|0
Loading...