How can I get him to be more agressive/take the lead?

Been out about 4 times with a guy where we met online and have been talking for awhile prior to going out (still chat during the week as well). He made first two dates, I have made all the rest. We have good conversation and fun on dates, and the chemistry between us seems good - kissing him is definitely fun, but he seems shy...I usually have to make the first move, then he seems to know it's okay and will reciprocate or take things a little further, but how can I get him to make a move first or to schedule a date without me doing something first? I think his history with relationships isn't good (trust issues with girls dropping him), so my thought is maybe he needs time and I just need to be patient...

In the same vein, I don't want to end up in the "friend" category, but I don't want to feel like I'm chasing him...should I continue with what I'm doing? (i.e. continue offering affection - which he accepts with no problem, making dates) and hope eventually he will realize I'm not the same as the other girls, or am I deluding myself?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Accept him the way he is. If your arranging dates and kissing him you won't be ending up in the "friend" category. If you want someone to be chasing you, keep looking and see if he does. In my opinion, its over rated to be chased. Much rather have someone loyal and loving that needs a bit of a push to get going.

    First of all, does this guy fancy you? has he shown signs or said things to suggest he does? If he doesn't you are ALREADY in the friend category and your kissing him is like saying "with benifits".

    Guys can be shy. How does he act around other women? if he is perfectly happy to kiss or ask out other girls run a mile.


What Guys Said 1

  • Maybe you should be mor agressive and take the lead?


What Girls Said 1

  • Starting to date someone is so confusing sometimes...we all have different ideas and different expectations of how the other person should behave/respond and it can be difficult when you get conflicting messages.

    There are 2 ways to read this guys behavior - either he is a shy and unsure and is happier letting you set the pace or he is less enthusiastic about dating you and is "coasting" - that is enjoying the attention and affection but not actually too bothered if it happens or not.

    Without knowing the guy it is very hard to tell which this is.

    The only thing you have any control over here is your behavior - You obviously like this guy and I kinda read into your question that you are afraid of changing what has become the status quo in case you lose him altogether. The problem is you don't actually like the status quo so need to make a choice.

    What is more important to you? Being with him on any terms, or being with him on the right terms? He is not going to change the way he behaves unless you change what you are doing first. If you want him to do a little more chasing then you have to give him the space in which to chase - that means you back off a little - no more dates unless he organises them - no more kissing unless he initiates it. Of course you have to be prepared to take the risk that in giving him that space he may simply not initiate anything.

    At that point you have another choice...go back to where you were or talk to him about why he hasn't intiated any contact. Again you may end up with answers you don't like but at least you will know where you stand rather than investing in a one sided relationship ( with you doing all the giving)- as I said before it all depends how much you want to risk.

    For me I would rather be with the right guy than just any guy and that means setting off on the right foot - if you wnat a relationship that lasts with this guy then you need to feel it is an equal partnership with each of you contributing . If you find it is shyness ( or inexperience) that's his problem then make a deal with him - suggest you take it in turns to come up with ideas for dates and talk about initiating physical contact - let him know you like him to do that.

    Ultimately if he likes you he will be keen to please and meet you half way ( shyness as an excuse only cuts is so far - he's not so shy if he's kissing you)- if he's not bothered then stop wasting yourself on him and find some one who is worth chasing and being chased by :)