Wouldn't it be easier for girls if...

I'm expecting to get some angry replies, but I'd be interested in any answers that understand my question is a serious inquiry with a willingness to learn, not a rant.

I am curious why girls (and perhaps guys; I don't know as I don't date them) find brushing a date off is the best way to deal with them. Wouldn't it be easier and less frustrating to just be honest and direct? Wouldn't being direct eliminate a lot of unwanted attention from someone you're not interested in?

For example, if you go out with someone who calls/texts you, isn't it easier to text them saying you're not interested? "Nice to meet you, but we're not a match". I've talked to a lot of female friends who get agitated when a guy calls them two or three times before giving up, so wouldn't just telling him the deal save you frustration? And wouldn't it be nicer? Those same female friends of mine complain how guys don't call them, or how guys string them along, or ignore them, so wouldn't it make sense to not want to put someone else in the same position?

Please help me understand. To me, it seems like most peole in general are 100% selfish and only care about what's easiest for them. It just seems to me it would be easier for them as well if they stopped ignoring and telling lies to avoid contact. Am I wrong?

Updates:
To be a bit more slanted... Let's say a guy slept with a girl, decided he couldn't be in a relationship with her because the sex was bad, and didn't call her because he "didn't want to hurt her feelings that she's bad in bed". Would that be OK?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • No it wouldn't. I would rather know straight up then be ignored. I have had it happen to me before and it tore me to peices. Sucked major ballz.

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What Girls Said 11

  • This concept of ignoring is foreign to me. I have no problem telling others what I think lol. I have not ignored or been ignored; & would like to think I am fortunate for that.

    I have heard that many people do this. My own interpretations/assumptions would be that they avoid confrontation because they: don't know how to confront; are afraid; are ashamed/guilty; think it's an acceptable social construct; are hoping to preserve an ace in the hole; think dating is a competition; or they are just rude. I don't get it either. I think it's sad. Will you let me know when you figure it out?

    cheers

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  • Yes, it would be a whole hell of a lot easier- at least for the person on the recieving end of things. I try not to ignore guys if they call/text- mostly because I think it's rude, but I do have trouble being as direct as you seem to want women to be. See, here's the thing- if I went out with a guy even once I think, at the very least, he's a decent guy otherwise I wouldn't ever have said yes. And, if the date ended with me thinking "uh, yeah, not the one for me" I'm hoping he got the same vibe and won't call/text to try for another date so I don't say anything when it ends. And, if he does call/text, I think he must like me and be thinking the date went well so I know if I just come right out and say "sorry, not interested" he's going to be hurt. I hate hurting people, especially because I've been on the recieving end of rejection and it sucks. But I also know how much it sucks to keep thinking you and this person are going to work when they're busy finding ways to avoid your texts, so I do try to let them down easily. Usually I say something like "I had a lot of fun the other night, but I'm not sure I see us as a couple." Not exactly direct, but if I said what I was thinking "We have absolutely nothing in common, I was bored stiff listening to you talk basketball stats, let's NOT do it again, EVER!" the guy would be extremely offended. Besides, just because he's not for me doesn't mean he isn't a nice guy who deserves to find a girl who appreciates a guy who can recite stats like a pro announcer.

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    • Interesting comment. I agree that maybe my wording was blunt, but you could substitute your own. However, there are times I'll call a girl I have no chemistry with because I think she'd be a good friend. Or I'll text a girl after a date just to say "nice to meet you" and have some finality. Maybe I'm weird. I just know that's how I'd want to be treated. It sometimes strikes me like maybe women see a guys' phone call and get angry that he didn't "get the hint" that they're not interested.

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    • Of course he was specific, I was giving an example, not talking about an actual guy I'd met. Usually I can't put my finger on why I'm not interested, which makes it all the worse to have to reject them, but I do. Besides, I never said I ignored texts or calls, I have never in my life done that. I said I HOPED they wouldn't call, but that's something else entirely. If a guy I didn't hit it off with calls/texts, I most certainly answer and let them down easily like I described.

    • I'm not saying one needs a specific reason to "reject" someone. It's called chemistry.

  • You're not wrong. But you're not entirely right, either.

    It would be less frustrating to be honest and direct, but easier? I don't think so, not always. Reason being shame and guilt. Some don't have a problem with this, but others prefer not to hurt someone's feelings and will cowardly skirt away from the confrontation of it to spare their own feelings. Yeah, it's unfair, but no doubt there are those out there who would agree that this has been the case a time or two.

    Unwanted attention is hard to come by in my opinion. Everyone--being that selfish side you later mention--enjoys feeling admired/having a certain sort of attention. Feeds the ego, boosts up pride, whatever. Happens with both genders, I'm thinking.

    But yes, people are horribly selfish. Many will ignore, dodge, and run away from any confrontation that takes them out of their comfort zone and sense of security in self. It's tough to say if that will ever change.

    Sounds like you got the crappy end of the stick at one point. On behalf of cowards everywhere, sorry.

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    • No need to apologize. Everyone deals with it. Not sure if that's a really apology. I have dated plenty of women who appreciate me, so it doesn't bother me to find someone who's not a match. It's just irritating on an intellectual level that people, no one in particular, is so afraid of confrontation. Again, what is the confrontation? I find it hard to believe people can't handle being told "no match" after a date or two. Sucks that the dating world is filled with insecure people.

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    • I came off more harsh than I intended. Try to pay no mind.

    • Understood. I don't doubt the sincerity of your argument. I've dated girls who told me how they were "so mean" when they were younger because they'd tell guys on a first date "I don't want you to waste any more of your money on me since I'm not interested". Some of those girls would later ignore my calls. As a guy, I'd rather have the former. I guess it's just a difference in the sexes. I don't think what they used to say was mean in the slightest.

  • Hm... I don't have much dating experience (I currently have a boyfriend, of 4 years) - but I guess if I dated a guy and I didn't enjoy myself or didn't think he was a good match, and he called to set up another date I'd respond with "yknow, I don't really want to see you again. We gave it a shot but you're not really my type" - I can't stand the thought of leading guys on - even now I make it clear to all my guy friends that my boyfriend is my top priority - any time one of my guy friends (usually the same one or two over and over again) asks me to get lunch, I always clearly say 'No, I want to get home before my boyfriend goes to work so I can have lunch/spend time with him". (That's not to say I don't spend time with my guy friends but I avoid date-like situations with my guy friends, particularly the single ones).

    If a guy slept with a girl once and decided the sex was bad I don't think that's fair - the first time I had sex with my second partner it was passionate and exciting but it wasn't GREAT, I didn't come off as very experienced because he had a totally different style in bed than my other partner - the SECOND time I had sex with this second partner, it was AMAZING because I knew what he wanted, I knew how he liked to kiss, etc. SO, I think the sex would have to be ABYSMAL for a guy to break up with a girl over it, it can always be improved and the first time is usually a little awkward

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  • You do not need a special analogy for guys. Guys do the exact same thing you wrote about girls doing.

    In my opinion, its disrespectful any idiot knows its not the NICE thing to do,. there jut being lazy cowards & want to avoid being honest.

    "Wouldn't being direct eliminate a lot of unwanted attention from someone you're not interested in?"

    YES, of course it would. SO I think they want the attention, & do not want to admit it.

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  • NO, that would not be ok...(to your update)...at least I don't think so. And you are right in you question...it would be easier to be direct. But for me, I blow guys off when I can't decide what I want at the moment. Cause I don't want them to stop showing me their interested or I don't want them to give up and move on or get with someone else. So I know this wasn't right but I was texting an old boyfriend for a few weeks saying I wanted to try out a long distance relationship with him and I wanted to be in love and that I was falling for him, then just the other week I told him I might move to a different state and I didn't want to try to be with him at the moment. I don't know why exactly but I think it was because I started getting scared that once we met up again that I would just embarrass myself or he wouldn't like me but he would sleep with me out of pity and I didn't want that. The only thing I know is don't question why girls do thing they do. Every one is different and has different reasons for why they do thing.s

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  • I think that it would be OK, I always try to say everything that I'm feeling, even if isn't good for me, to him, or for both.

    and I WOULD love that more guys stopped to feel "pity" or something and started to be direct and say more "trues" sad, but true. We can deal with this!

    I think that:

    - better now than later (it saves us time)

    - the hell is "crowded" with good intentions

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  • This is practice that both sexes are "guilty" of. I haven't done it to anyone, because I had a guy do it to me after getting back into the dating scene this last time and he strung me along before finally deciding to ignore me all together. It was confusing and hard to deal with. I usually just explain my thoughts and say its just not going to work...I may not have the guts to do it over the phone, but I'll do it via email or texts...that way at least they know what happened.

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  • There was this guy that I was really starting to like but I wanted to take it slow and not rush thinngs for fear that it would ruin it but instead I think it made him believe I wasn't interested. I even cancelled our date and the reason is because I was still dealing with a bad break up. So its not always about us being evil or not liking you. Sometimes there's really a good explanation. Also I've stood up a guy before even though I thought he was really cute and smart but I felt I didn't have a lot to offer. We have insecurities too but are afraid to show it as its a sign of weakness but I'm working on it.

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  • I think people just feel too bad being the one who has to say he I'm not interested, but when it comes to them they say they would rather just hear that. People are cowards a lot of the time, not leaving myself out of it. But its easier to just ignore the problem than just deal with it.

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  • Don't worry, I don't think you said anything that would solicit angry replies.

    Of course it would be easier if people were 100% honest about dating - for the other person involved. Many times that girls (and guys) do exactly what you described, it isn't because they're selfish, it's because they're afraid of hurting the other person's feelings and it's too challenging for them to be up front. It's a difficult thing to do, being blunt, and it takes some practice to pull off without just sounding cold.

    Not everyone is bold enough to outright say, "We're just not a match", even if that's actually the most sensible thing to do. It isn't always about selfishness, and for some people, avoiding the situation DOES save them frustration. I understand what you're saying, and I agree, but you're looking at the whole picture as too black-and-white.

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    • Appreciate your very well-written reply. Can't say there's anything I can disagree with. I just feel like in my own life, I try to tell people what I feel and be honest in a nice way. I can't control someone else's feelings being hurt. It still feels to me like people don't care about hurting someone else's feelings, they care about feeling badly that they hurt someone else's feelings. That's what I'm getting at. But then I was raised by crazy religious parents who beat this into me. :)

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    • Thanks. I find it hard to believe you're 18. ;) That's a good thing, though...

    • I seem to get that often. Fine by me, I don't feel eighteen !

What Guys Said 1

  • lots of girls don't have the balls to say things like this straight up. Let's thank the ones who have the courage to do that. Same comment applies to guys. Lots of cowardice out there, despite all the good intentions!

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    • If people don't want us to judge them for their alleged bad intentions, I am not going to judge them for their alleged good intentions, either. So if someone ignores me, I'm not going to assume that their intention was good. For all I know, maybe a girl who ignores me is doing it to get back at a guy that did it to her. Maybe she's TRYING to hurt me. I don't know because she didn't tell me. But I've learned a lesson that I will stop trying to be nice and I'll just ignore people now, too.

    • If you want to be childish go ahead

    • I do want to be childish. Society is and I am not going to continue to defy society. It's a recipe for absolute misery.

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