First of all, I am not really sure if I am considered to be average looking or actually cute/pretty, but it seem as though that I am mostly average looking from what my mother tells me ( beauty is on the inside, you need to put intelligence first over looks...) and my friends don't refer to my physical attractiveness as much ( they will tell me though I'm good looking and cute). Sometimes, I feel sick to my stomach and I get headaches from stressing over the fact that I may be only average looking and not "pretty". I have a history of depression, anxiety and was diagnosed with mild form of BDD, but my mother thinks I am just being lazy and that I don't need therapy. I am not lazy and it cannot be further from the truh. I have trouble waking up from my bed very morning ( I oversleep most mornings these days) and one of the reasons is that I have this overwhelmin surge of self -hatred and reality when I open my eyes first thing in the morning and my head feels numb and heavy as a rock. I hate reality and how average I look and wish I could sleep my life away. My mom tells me it's not worth it to be preoccupied by my looks, but it seems like everyday my thoughts are consumed with fear, worry and stress because I am not pretty enough, or so I think. I rarely step outside the house ( torture for me as I still live with my large family-i am the oldest of 2 younger siblings and my mom and dad) because I fear that I am not so pretty rnough when compared to the other outgoing and pretty college girls. Every minute is consummated with these thoughts and it's driving me up the wall... Sometimes I feel like having a near nervous breakdown because I hate the way I look and wish I did 't look his way.
I have never had a boyfriend ( I'm 22) nor have any close friends- All of them moved away from state after high school and I am lonely most of the times. In college, I rarely talk to anybody and although I see some guys move out of their way to sit next to me or some may even may even talk to me, I feel like they are only talking to me to use my intellect ( as I am somewhat of a nerd, random high school girls have said nerd alert when they saw me sitting alone on the train), and I can tell from the types of girls that approach me, they are only doing so because I look too "nice and non- judgemental". I think about this too much and swear if I didn't have my mom beside me at home,i would have already done harmful things to myself.
I am sick of being the quiet, shy, awkward, clumsy, and nerdy college girl and frequently have daydreams of being this loud, flirty, pretty and party seeking college girl who have no problems attracting the attention of guys, then I would not be lonely and I would have excuses to leave my house and my rotten family.
My self esteem is at a whole time low and I feel like I am being so self destructive and putting myself down so much it's actually causing me physical symptoms and heartache.
Most Helpful Girl
I believe I know exactly how you are feeling. I too have battled with depression on my own, because the 'professional help' route is a very expensive one. Depression is a very difficult animal, you may be fighting it for the rest of your life, however your mother is not an idiot. I would much rather be a good person who is unattractive than a beautiful bitch that can't have anything but one night stands. I'm also in a similar position as far as friends, because I moved away and don't have anyone.
You need to reach out to people, join a club or introduce yourself to someone at a table in the cafeteria. Being in college presents you a wealth of opportunities for meeting new people. You can't just accept your depression, you have to fight it.
Also, there's something to be said for people who think they're average. Just because you're average from your perspective doesn't mean that others think you are. I have a friend who believes himself to be average, and that his brothers are much better looking than he is, but from my point of view he's drop dead gorgeous and the brothers are average2