To my friends etc I act all confident and stuff, but to guys I do act confident but its different, secretly I'm like "am I the best" etc :/
Like with my ex boyfriend and my current friends with benefits when I heard him compliment another girl or when my friends with benefits says he fancies some1 and thinks they are gorgeous, my automatic reaction is to ask "well, I'm gorgeous too yeah?" like I need confirmation of how good I look or something, whenever this happens I get into arguments with them and then my friends with benefits is like "stop putting words in my mouth"
how can I stop myself from being like this?
I feel like ill never be good enough for someone x
Because you want to keep your, how I like to word it, "magic."
What I mean by magic is that a world can only be created when two people acknowledges its existence. For you, you want your beauty to keep occurring in reality, in case someone tries to deny it or neglect you all over again. It's scary to go back to the time that you once had no attention, but your insecurity is relying too heavily on beauty. Why it seems so fragile is that you gained attraction by beauty, but beauty might easily fade away too as how it just abruptly interrupted your way of social life.
Be better than that acknowledgment. Those who are confident are steadfast in their beliefs even if people are against them. Sure they may waiver if everyone or people they are close to are against it, but they either very strong or ignorant if they keep their belief still. If they stopped, well they never really believed in their own "magic" after all then, did they? *cackle*cackle*cackle*
As an example to my childhood dream of helping people, "I will still try to save everyone, even if I know that I will fail in the end."
For you, have a little quick encouraging chant of "I am still beautiful, whether my hair falls out, my vision is gone, and I lose my voice to defend myself. Someone will always try to deny my beauty but what exists will still exist."
Well, there's nothing you can do that's going to be immediate. It may take some time, basically because that's who you are right now: a person that cares too much about what others say. That is not bad, it only turns sour when it dampens your mood. Now, to change that what you need to do is pay less and less attention to things that bother you. You can't just ignore them 100% at once, but you can start trying little by little. Beauty is a very personal concept you know. I would start by trying to figure out why it is so important for you. Why do you need to make certain you're beautiful in other people's eyes? Ask yourself that until you find an answer. That's the tip of your iceberg.
Why are these guys even telling you other girls are gorgeous? Real gentlemen shouldn't do that. I think they are wrong for just talking like that to you, even if it's a FWB. It's just disrespectful. So I don't think you care what others think of you too much at all.
A lot of people have problems with insecurity myself included, honestly it just takes time and you have to learn how to be more comfortable with yourself, eventually other people's words won't hurt you as much. Good luck
Never ever change yourself for another person, you are the only person that can do this! And remember never ever let anybody bring you down, you are amazing and beautiful in every single way! One day someone will see that more than anybody else has ever seen it and sweep your off your feet but until that day comes just remember to smile because your beautiful ( don't let anyone take that away from you)