Leave or stay?

The husband and I are going through something weird.

Our sex life is nonexistant, well sometimes we have it, but when we do, he doesn't try to get me in the mood, or even excitted about it.. He's more like "ok its hard what now" type of attitude...basically he only wants to get off and doesn't care about me, or even being passionate...

Date nights happen if they're planned by me. I have to get the sitter, and plan the whole thing.

Cleaning happens if its done by me. And that's 100% right, because I don't work, (stay at home momma) but sometimes I need a little help, whether he does some cleaning or picks up after himself. After dinner,he just leaves his plate and cup where we eat. Even though I cooked he doesn't clear his plate, do the dishes, or help put the food away... that's not a big big deal but annoying...

We never just talk anymore. We usually have time alone after the kids go to bed, but insted of hanging out with me, talking, or cuddling, he falls asleep..

Granit he may be exhausted, but back in the day he would make giant effort to stay up, help me around the house, take time in the bedroom (if you know what I'm saying) tired or not. Drunk or not..

The weirdest part of all, we went o a no sex thing for a while, and when we were going to, I got all excitted thinking it was going to be amazing (bc we hadn't done it for so long) and he was lame, he didn't kiss me anywhere, he didn't touch me, he didn't say sweet or kinky/sexy things, he just got hard put it in and got off.. To me, personally, I feel that's a sign...

So to make things better (talking doesn't work, I've already tried) should I get a place to stay? Just so he can see and think and feel how much he misses me and so he wouldn't take me for granted?

I really don't know what to do. I have tried everything... I need advice, strong real advice from what you would do, to how you would feel in my shoes and his shoes if I left you..

Thanks


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm young this I know but I have been through a few divorces with my parents. Personally I don't believe in "Staying together for the kids". My mother did. I was younger when it started. In all seriousness I was young but I saw the changes. He didn't love her anymore. There relationship was dead. They always fought and even though they tried to hide it from me I knew. I personally believe you should get a divorce! You should be happy! YOur children if they don't understand now they will latter. Depending on there age depends on how they will react. You shouldn't keep them out of the loop. There is things children shouldn't know. Let them know the basics. They might get mad if there younger, but just wait it out and have a serious talk with them. If there older then explain as much as you feel necessary and hope they understand. Your not happy. It will affect your life. There is someone out there that will make you happy. You just have to put yourself in a position to find him. Once a relationship is dead there is no use in it. Its just a burden. You not being happy and living an unhappy life with affect all the ones you love. Do what makes you happy!

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What Guys Said 4

  • it happens that way too often. married life can turn into a daily grind thing easily. before you tell him you want a separation, why not tell him that if he doesn't agree to go to counselling with you, then you will want one. tell him you just can't go through life without an intimate relationship that's meaninful to you. respect is a two-way street.

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  • Maybee try seeing a marriage counselor. My ex-wife and I had a similar disconnect before/while she was cheating on me. If you're both willing to make an effort to improve communication then things will get better. If you ignore it, like I did, things will get worse. Maybee try getting an overnight sitter and go away for a night. If you have to plan it, so be it.

    I am in his shoes, except that she also cheated on me with a roomate we were renting to. She moved out and moved in with him. I feel abandoned, hurt, angry, afraid. I feel like I lost an important part of me. If I were in your shoes I would feel worried for the kid(s). I think seeing a counselor, together if possible, would be a good way to safely share your feelings with each other and hopefully reconnect. The work will be meaningful if you both are willing to do it, as a team. Don't give up on him because if you support him through the tough times he'll eventually realize how you've been there for him even when it's hard.

    Please don't play the game of leaving so he'll miss you. It will only make more drama for you, him, and the kid(s). My parents played that game when I was 5-10 years old and It still effects my life 20+ years later.

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  • I think he has some issues in his head that are causing his exhaustion. The exhaustion obviously effects his sex life, limiting any mood he has because he's too tired. Ask him how work is going for him. That may be why. I know it may seem like too much work, but help him out with work if he needs it.

    It's also because he is turning into a real husband. Romance limits itself after a certain amount of time between married couples, unless of course both put in some effort to make the romance work.

    Don't get a place to stay. It will cause him to feel neglected in any issue he has already. Stay with him, for that is what marriage is all about. To make him miss you will make him more exhausted, and possibly depressed.

    My opinion: Ask him what's wrong, if he needs any help with work or whatever. If it's not work, it could be emotional or health problems. I know people that don't want sex because they have depression issues. Go to the doctor if nothing works (that's a last resort).

    I really hope this works, because marriage is sacred, and sex is one of the most important parts of it.

    -Andy

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  • I completely agree with the first three; you need to give him the option of losing you and, I'm assuming, the kids, or trying to bring to life a relationship that has obviously gone stale. That means counseling. Don't accept anything else from him, you guys need the help of someone that knows how to give it. Maybe you should do some research (ask friends, etc..) to find a good marriage counselor so you would be ready to rebuff the whole "I don't want to pay for someone that's not going to help us" argument. I asked my ex girlfriend to go to counseling sooo many times, even offering to go with her, and that was her biggest reason why not to. Don't just give up; it sounds like you really love the guy. I wouldn't advise "staying together for the kids" either, but you can sure as hell do your best to make keeping those vows you took a pleasure instead of a struggle. I wish you the best of luck!

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What Girls Said 4

  • I think leaving him to give him time to think is bad. he will feel neglected. If you've tried asking him about what's going on with him, if he wants to talk, about his work issues, if he's ok...and he hasn't really been giving it much in the conversation, then maybe you need to be a little bit more aggressive.

    sit him down and tell him..."look, I really don't understand what's going on through your mind, I wish I did. I want to help you. I'm your wife. I want our marriage to work out. I think you're tired from work all the time. You're exhausted from I don't know what...but I'm tired too babe...I want to give you my all...and I have been. I clean up after you, and cook...(etc...), but I need you to include me in your life too."...

    something like that...

    just let him know that you know he's prob going through a tough time, you understand he's tired, it shows that you're just not into yourself and that you really care about him. Hopefully he'll see that, and would put more effort into your marriage. :)

    good luck sis!

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  • give him the choice you and your relationship or nothing at all... it sounds like you are giving it all and he is taking it all ... I get he may be tired but seriously he could take him plate from the damn table! and it has to bother you some if you are saying something to us about it...

    he needs to know just where you are staying and just how you feel.. if its hard for you to stay write him a letter and take the kids away for the weekend and make him think on it...

    and I would recommend a marriage counselor too if he is willing...

    watch the movie fireproof.. its about a young couple with a marriage about to end in divorce... its not excalty what you are going thru but it might give some insight

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  • Well t seems to me that he's not putting any effort into improving the relationship which is not good sometimes we allow men to treat us like anything if you expect more you will get more please do not settle for less, cause then it will never get better have a heart to heart with him and move on from there. Good luck but to me he's being a ass...

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  • truth is he's not into you he daont want you and believe it or not he is trying to spare your feelings take the bad vibes and run get your self prepared for for heart aches and pain if you don't open your eyes now,

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