Am I crazy/paranoid or is this reasonable to assume?

Whenever I am walking in a busy pedestrian sidewalk, where there is traffic, I find myself abnormally conscious of the cars that are passing me by, from the opposite direction (that is the direction in which the driver is facing me and can visibly see me).

I feel like the cars are intentionally speeding up when they see me on the sidewalk because I am unattractive and that whenever I (mistakenly) cross a street when a cars is about to cross, and by the time I get to the other side, the car ZOOMS right by me, that it is a form of hatred and that they hate me.

Is this a form of paranoia or are drivers actually conscious of the way pedestrians look?

I find myself getting stranger by the passing years because I am getting quite self conscious and distrusting of people.

I was diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago, but didn't get any treatment or medication for it because my parents don't believe the severity of my mental condition. my mom never cares about my depression and simply hits me and shouts and me when she catches me napping or sleeping during the daytime, which I frequently do.

i feel very tired these days and getting up in the morning to go to school required great mental courage on my part. I don't want to face the day and I don't want others to see my ugliness.

i used to be more attractive a few years back, but it seems like I am getting uglier by every passing year. I am tortured by the idea that my physical attractiveness is fading. I feel so ugly in school everyday.

I believe this factor is the main Because for my depression and when I tell my mother this, she tells me that I am psycho and never believes how I am mentally plagued by this idea.

i rarely dress up for school these days, and I wear the same outfit day after day. I ask my mom to lend me some money for new clothes (I wore the same single pair of jeans for over a year now), but she tells me that everything in the stores will look bad on me because I am not thin enough.

i want to get counseling in my university, but all they will do is eventually call my parents and tell them to refer me to a therapist/psychologist.

i feel like there is no hope of me ever getting help and I feel VERY SICK. I have gained a bit of weight and my facial appearance is noticeable affected by my lingering sad thoughts.

Also, being Asian American is in a way affecting me as well. it feels like Americans are getting racist more and more. I hate my looks, my race, and where I am in life. I just want to erase myself.

also, my body seems so weak these days. my legs feel so weak, that it feels like I'm walking on a pair of twigs, sometimes it feels like I'm floating.

also, it seems like the older I get (im 23), the weirder my body shape is becoming. it seems like my upper body is getting fatter than my lower body, which is VERY UGLY, whereas in the past, my fat distribution used to be equally all over my body, which is not as bad.

i find that my belly is getting fatter from all this stress and depression


Most Helpful Guy

  • Auughh... I'm so sorry. Yeah, you're crazy/paranoid. That's what's called a 'delusion of reference'. Now, drivers DO actually speed up when they see pedestrians near the sidewalk or trying to cross, quite often, I don't know why, but they do, so you are noticing THAT, but it has nothing to do with you as an individual.

    I have to say it's really good that you're able to hold on to the notion that your mental state is severe, in face of such serious abrasion. Hold onto that. You know in your heart who you are, and what's wrong with you, and your abusive - and that's what she is, believe me, and you KNOW that, I don't have to tell you why - mother can't change that about you.

    But... Well, there's no excuse for ACCEPTING her wrath, at the age of 23. You're a woman. Stop being a child. Tell her to get the f***, wise up, stick it up her ass, whatever. You're allowed to do that, and by the mighty hand of god may us all be on our side if you do. Do it with words or with actions.

    There are a few ways to look at your problem, two namely, the best, I think...; Psychiatry and Anti-Psychiatry. Psychiatry will say that you're depressed, severely, and having severe body issues. Your depression and regular abuse have possibly caused a mood disorder or delusional disorder to form, giving you these disturbing thoughts about yourself. This can be treated with medication, and a lot of talking.

    Anti-Psychiatry saith that emotions are REAL reactions to GENUINE situations. This means that your depression is likely stemmed from your turbulent life. It also says talks of the family nexus; their usual standpoint is within the family a person with a mental illness will be considered mad and have to take steps to recover, otherwise the family will cast them out - but with your situation, it's different. Your mother actually refutes your condition entirely, trivialises and usurps that, and any claims to the contrary fall outside the unbreakable laws of the family nexus, and thus, would you be cast out.

    The solutions here are; change your situation, change your attitude, change your plan. Do what thou wilt. Attain a positive standing within society, within your world, within yourself - you're 23, you're a motherf***ing adult, you can and there's no excuse not to. And I pray that you find strength to defy the forked tongues of your mother, for you deserve that, but you're the only one who can grant it.

    Then, when you stand from that height, and look down on the madness you were once consumed by, if you feel you still need therapy, get it. But it's possible you won't, then, with such loving successes, don't you think?


What Guys Said 3

  • Most drivers are paying attention to the road and other cars, not you. Either that or they are about to create an accident while playing with their cell phones when they shouldn't be. Simply put most drivers aren't paying the slightest bit of attention to you.

    As for the other issues, is there any way you can move out on your own if you mother is really making you feel so insecure? Your story sounds really familiar to another girl or two that I know of that has a mother who constantly harps on her and drags her down. It is little wonder that you feel so down.

    Just for the record, I'm white and have noticed that there is no shortage of white and Asian people getting along just fine. Your paranoia and fears are understandable, but most people don't feel that way about you. These are internal struggles on your part, ones that you can overcome, but it might take a change of venue to move on.

  • Crazy and paranoid seem like the right adjectives in this case, yeah.

  • What do you expect them to do slow down to a half mile an hour while your theme song plays and a high powered fan blows your hair like it's a f***ing movie. Stop trolling or start counseling. I'm not reading the rest of that.


What Girls Said 2

  • I think you are paranoid, at least regarding the cars. It may seem like cars are speeding up as they get closer to you, but that is due to physics, things don't look like they're moving as fast or are as big, the farther you are away from them. As for the crossing the street part, that happens to everyone. Car drivers hate it when pedestrians cross when they're not supposed to, it's happened to me before. Another thing is, that if you're mistakenly crossing the street, chances are is that they drivers did not even notice you. People are really bad about that, they don't really pay attention when they are driving. Drivers do not really pay attention to pedestrians because they have better things to do. If theyre driving, theyre going somewhere and chances are they are preoccupied with what they have to do when they get there. Even if you cross their mind, it will be for the briefest of moments and I swear they don't remember a few hours later who crossed their path.

    I understand a good part of what you're going through, it's tough because Asian cultures (I'm Asian American too) basically don't believe in having mental health problems. They think it's fixable and that it's all up to you to do something, or just change how you're thinking.

    Don't think that you're getting uglier, because the more you think that the more you will believe it and then no one can convince you otherwise. I used to believe that I was the ugliest thing ever because I was the only Asian person when I went to a school of white kids. But my dad told me that I was special in a good way and that no one had beautiful black hair like I did, and I was slowly able to appreciate things about myself that I hadn't seen before.

    I suggest you get a job if you want your own money, that way you don't have to ask your parents for it. Also, if you do that you will have other things to validate yourself other than looks. Trust me, looks aren't everything. There is so much more in life that you can be proud of. I'm not really thin either. I'm not built like most Asian girls. I'm not little and skinny. But I have found guys that appreciate my body the exact way that it is. (which is weird to me too because I'm like "I don't understand how anyone could like me like this..") but believe me, there are people out there who will like you the way you are. Oftentimes we are more critical of ourselves than others would ever be.

    Try university counseling. I actually talk to someone at my school (not about the same things, but sometimes we touch on these topics too) and at my school they have a thing they make you sign, it's also a confidentiality agreement where they don't reveal things to your parents. So don't worry about that.

    Exercise! Go work out! Depression gets worse when you feel helpless and like you can't do anything about it, but going to the gym will make you feel better about yourself. I hated it in the beginning, but now it's not as bad because I feel like I'm in control.

    • well it doesn't help that my mother also thinks that I've become uglier in the past few years...

  • You need to seek the help of professionals, not a family doctor buy a psychiatrist and a therapist. Google for the city where you live.