Whenever I am walking in a busy pedestrian sidewalk, where there is traffic, I find myself abnormally conscious of the cars that are passing me by, from the opposite direction (that is the direction in which the driver is facing me and can visibly see me).
I feel like the cars are intentionally speeding up when they see me on the sidewalk because I am unattractive and that whenever I (mistakenly) cross a street when a cars is about to cross, and by the time I get to the other side, the car ZOOMS right by me, that it is a form of hatred and that they hate me.
Is this a form of paranoia or are drivers actually conscious of the way pedestrians look?
I find myself getting stranger by the passing years because I am getting quite self conscious and distrusting of people.
I was diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago, but didn't get any treatment or medication for it because my parents don't believe the severity of my mental condition. my mom never cares about my depression and simply hits me and shouts and me when she catches me napping or sleeping during the daytime, which I frequently do.
i feel very tired these days and getting up in the morning to go to school required great mental courage on my part. I don't want to face the day and I don't want others to see my ugliness.
i used to be more attractive a few years back, but it seems like I am getting uglier by every passing year. I am tortured by the idea that my physical attractiveness is fading. I feel so ugly in school everyday.
I believe this factor is the main Because for my depression and when I tell my mother this, she tells me that I am psycho and never believes how I am mentally plagued by this idea.
i rarely dress up for school these days, and I wear the same outfit day after day. I ask my mom to lend me some money for new clothes (I wore the same single pair of jeans for over a year now), but she tells me that everything in the stores will look bad on me because I am not thin enough.
i want to get counseling in my university, but all they will do is eventually call my parents and tell them to refer me to a therapist/psychologist.
i feel like there is no hope of me ever getting help and I feel VERY SICK. I have gained a bit of weight and my facial appearance is noticeable affected by my lingering sad thoughts.
Also, being Asian American is in a way affecting me as well. it feels like Americans are getting racist more and more. I hate my looks, my race, and where I am in life. I just want to erase myself.
also, it seems like the older I get (im 23), the weirder my body shape is becoming. it seems like my upper body is getting fatter than my lower body, which is VERY UGLY, whereas in the past, my fat distribution used to be equally all over my body, which is not as bad.
i find that my belly is getting fatter from all this stress and depression
Most Helpful Guy
Auughh... I'm so sorry. Yeah, you're crazy/paranoid. That's what's called a 'delusion of reference'. Now, drivers DO actually speed up when they see pedestrians near the sidewalk or trying to cross, quite often, I don't know why, but they do, so you are noticing THAT, but it has nothing to do with you as an individual.
I have to say it's really good that you're able to hold on to the notion that your mental state is severe, in face of such serious abrasion. Hold onto that. You know in your heart who you are, and what's wrong with you, and your abusive - and that's what she is, believe me, and you KNOW that, I don't have to tell you why - mother can't change that about you.
But... Well, there's no excuse for ACCEPTING her wrath, at the age of 23. You're a woman. Stop being a child. Tell her to get the f***, wise up, stick it up her ass, whatever. You're allowed to do that, and by the mighty hand of god may us all be on our side if you do. Do it with words or with actions.
There are a few ways to look at your problem, two namely, the best, I think...; Psychiatry and Anti-Psychiatry. Psychiatry will say that you're depressed, severely, and having severe body issues. Your depression and regular abuse have possibly caused a mood disorder or delusional disorder to form, giving you these disturbing thoughts about yourself. This can be treated with medication, and a lot of talking.
Anti-Psychiatry saith that emotions are REAL reactions to GENUINE situations. This means that your depression is likely stemmed from your turbulent life. It also says talks of the family nexus; their usual standpoint is within the family a person with a mental illness will be considered mad and have to take steps to recover, otherwise the family will cast them out - but with your situation, it's different. Your mother actually refutes your condition entirely, trivialises and usurps that, and any claims to the contrary fall outside the unbreakable laws of the family nexus, and thus, would you be cast out.
The solutions here are; change your situation, change your attitude, change your plan. Do what thou wilt. Attain a positive standing within society, within your world, within yourself - you're 23, you're a motherf***ing adult, you can and there's no excuse not to. And I pray that you find strength to defy the forked tongues of your mother, for you deserve that, but you're the only one who can grant it.
Then, when you stand from that height, and look down on the madness you were once consumed by, if you feel you still need therapy, get it. But it's possible you won't, then, with such loving successes, don't you think?1