Not attracted to the person you're dating?

I don't know if anyone has experienced this, but I recently got myself into a relationship where despite the girl I met has a great personality and we share a lot of common interests, I find I'm just not attracted to her that much physically and it's making me confused as whether to continue the relationship or not, because physical attraction is something I would like to have in my 'ideal' relationship. If you were in my position what would you do? Would you pursue a relationship where the person you are with is a great conversationalist but not attractive, or someone who doesn't quite know what to talk about but who you are attracted to?

Updates:
Thanks everybody for the comments!


Sometimes I wondered if it was my expectations being too much. It isn't that my date isn't completely unattractive, just that maybe I had a particular thing in mind about the kind of person that I wanted to meet. She was shall I say, a complete surprise. It was her personality I found that really blew me away...that's why I thought of pursuing her.
I realize as we get older, our priorities change. And Robbi is spot on about how someone getting to our age feels. Maybe its just because I didn't date as much when I was younger that I feel the way that I do at the moment.


With regards to the relationship we've only met not long ago, so we still have some way to really get to know each other properly. We've only just begun as they say. Perhaps when we start to get a little more intimate things will get better between us…
As Kings of Leon says, it's rare to find great women and someone you're able to talk with and relate to as well…and I think she is one of them. So I hope to stay with her. I'll probably just need to try perhaps be much more honest about my feelings towards her and perhaps open up myself more to her and talk about it with her…

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Attraction isn't a choice. It's a feeling or emotion that requires no logic.

    So don't waste too much more time trying to logic yourself into feeling more attraction for a girl.

    What you CAN do is decide what your values are and what you NEED from your second most significant relationship (the first is the relationship you have with yourself.)

    You need to decide what you value most from this relationship... perhaps it's warmth and love and trust and intimacy. Perhaps it's just lust and passion and sexual chemistry. It all depends on what you want or need.

    And it all requires you to be honest with yourself.

    I've found that more mature I've gotten over the years the less importance I have placed the superficial needs I used to have (like the social approval of my girlfriend's appearance) and the more importance I've placed on my woman's shared values, love, trust and respect.

    I'm at a stage where I prefer a woman who's self assured, independent, reliable, loving, caring and giving.

    All that matters in your case is whether she's what you're looking for long term, because it's unfair for her if you're just leading her on.

    It's OKAY to leave this relationship if it's not what you want. That's what dating is for! To discover how compatible you are with each other. It's expected that relationships will grow or fail.

    And it's expected that you be HONEST as soon as possible. That way you don't feel any guilt when things end.

    It's a mistake to stay in a relationship just because you're fearful of hurting her feelings. Lying to her is what hurts her the most. Just do your best to explain that you're not feeling the chemistry you feel that you need, and that it's unfair to you and her to stay together in hopes that things will some day change.

    Life is too short to stay unhappy.

    Best of luck dude!

    ~ Robby

    My Blog ( link )

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    • WOW! GREAT ANSWER! :-)

    • I sad the same thing once and I got like 7 downvotes lol...the irony. Anyways you are exactly right! True relationships are not exactly made on looks, but more on what the other person has to offer and how they can complement you. Good looks in reality don't bring anything to a relationship...this is specially true when you are old and looking to settle.

What Girls Said 12

  • My latest ex I had no physical attraction for when we first met. We went to the same trade school and saw each other in class several times every week for 9 months. Even after all that time I didn't find him attractive.

    About a month after I graduated from school he texted me, which led to a phone call, which, for reasons I won't mention now, led to a date & hookup. He surprised me with affection that I was not expecting from a guy who was just looking for sex. We continued to spend time together, really talked, opened up to each other. A few months later, I found myself loving the guy and seeing him as adorable. I mean, I was constantly turned on by being around this guy. I couldn't understand how I could have gone from seeing nothing attractive in him to feeling like he was the cutest thing ever. But it happened.

    Now maybe this is just a phenomena that only happens to women since we do operate more from our hearts, but maybe, just maybe it can happen to guys as well. If you really enjoy being around this gal then I wouldn't walk away from it.

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  • In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.

    But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANT

    But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had.

    Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.

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  • You shouldn't be dating her

    People you feel this way about are made friends.that's what the friend zone is made for

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  • My ex was not the kind of guy I would say was extremely attractive. However his personality and his humor made up for it. I wasn't extremely attracted to him, but he was kind of cute in a silly way. I stayed with him for a year and a half, I never lied to him about how attracted I was to him. I told him that physically I was not super attracted to him but I still loved him for who he was and his personality. It hurt him a little bit because he was so extremely physically attracted to me, but I did not want to lie to him.

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  • Yeah, I once dated a guy with a great personality, but I wasn't attracted to him. After a while, it led to me feeling like I had to barf just by the thought of kissing him (needless to say, we didn't date for long enough to even get to 2nd base). It's not your fault, things like this happens.

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  • I would never have started the relationship, you two might as well have just been friends. In other words. You should break up.

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  • I'd think of them as a friend.

    I'd break up with them (wouldn't have been in that relationship in the first place though). :x

    I'd back out ASAP before it ruins things (as in if you decided to break it off later for the same reason).

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  • i just want to tell you should feel really bad if you break up with her. If physical attraction is #1 in your relationship then why did you date her in the first place? Now you're going to hurt her :(

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    • Because I was surprised when I first met her...that I fell in love more with her personality than her 'looks'. I think I'm just going through my motions at the moment...I really do like her at some level...she's really thoughtful and caring but I just need to get my head straight about certain things.

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    • besides you even said that she's not even that unattractive.. so what's the problem?

    • It's not a problem as such .it's more I believe an issue of my own expectations and wishes. How the relationship happened was not what I had in mind .

      I mean she is younger than me and I'm grateful she also has a great personality too. But it's just that she's I feel not as 'feminine' as I would like her to be. That's my view anyways (which even she admits). Other than that we get along just fine. Perhaps its the way she dresses that I feel this way (she dresses rather conservatively).

  • I have even through this. Have you ever heard of the 80-20 rule?

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  • i was there and I was more than a year in a relationship with him but he wanted to make out ect. but it was so weird for me to do this with him so I always said no and we broke up...

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  • My sister has openly admitted to me she isn't physically attracted to her boyfriend and was debating much of the same things. They get on great in every other regard, excepting that one thing. She eventually came to admitting this to him. There was a brief period of relationship limbo, and now they're still together just fine.

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    • She told him she wasn't physically attracted to him and they're still together? If my boyfriend told me that, there's no way I could continue dating him and remain a normal, healthy relationship. Distrust would be a big issue after that.

    • My sis really isn't the kind of person who values looks that highly compared to other things. She's quite mature for her age.

      And I think he's aware he's not the most attractive of people. Just being honest.

  • If you're not feeling it, then she's just meant to be a friend. Have you tried hugging/kissing her? If you don't feel anything in those instances, you have to let her know, sooner rather than later, before she gets too attached, as is the case with this couple: link

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What Guys Said 4

  • Because we're all visual creatures, men and women alike, some form of attraction has to be there. But, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was very attractive, but rude or an overall bitch with a bad personality, or someone you can't even have a decent conversation with. I think there has to be a balance with everything.

    Before you make a decision though, think if you'll ever find someone like her. In the sense that, do you think someone will treat you as good as her, love you as much she does, do as much she does for you. Be there for you and be able to make you laugh, and smile. I know, physical attraction is important, there is no doubt about it, but great women are also hard to find.

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  • Physical attraction is important. Not important enough to base a relationship on solely, but it certainly contributes to the chemistry between you and your partner. No physical attraction = weak chemistry. Find someone else man, there's no sense leading this woman on.

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  • im in one like that now its cool.so far I guess..its very weird to me how no matter what I do she has a way of making like its not that bad. like she said I was choking her and I didn't know so I said my bad she said no..we just need a safety word.lol I was like wow.she is nice just I'm not to rough all the time just sometimes but she wants me to be rough all the time XD

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  • You should end it no point being in a relationship just for the sake of it

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