Why do I feel guilty?

I'm feeling guilty because I dumped my boyfriend who I've been engaged to for 2 & a half years as he was abusive, but I still love him & just can't get over him, I'm in tears every day & it just feels like a death to me, & the last text he sent me, was heartbreaking, as it just said- loved you, or is he really, just rubbing salt into the wound, as they say? please help?.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I was married to one of the most wonderful men that I have ever met in my life. We had a relationship that most people only dream of. It turned violent because of his drug and alcohol use. I know just how you feel. When he and I split up, I felt like a part of me was slowly dying more and more every day. I would love to talk to you about this in private if you would like. Just let me know. I have been there before and I am hanging in there.believe me.it gets better.


What Guys Said 7

  • Oh my gosh. Coming from someone else who was smacked around quite a bit, I am so sorry about what happened to you. I have the utmost respect for you being able to leave that situation.

    I may not know you, but I already know you deserve a lot better. Though you may know that in your mind, you still might not be convinced of that in your heart.

    As hard as it may be to "feel" this, you have to know in your mind that you did the right thing by leaving him. I want you to bookmark this page, and come back and read this every time you need to remind yourself of what you GAINED by leaving that situation, when your heart won't.

    Love can be a strange thing. Being used to something can be a strange thing too. Even when it's a horrible situation, when you're venturing into new territories, the "comfort" of knowing certain things about the past, as horrible as they might be, can still be in a weird way, comforting. It's familiar territory. It's your life, and an important part of what you lived through for a very long time. This will stay with you forever, and it's had an influence on who you are and who you may become.

    I'm reminded that there are stories out there; when slavery was more popular, there were slaves who were beaten and treated worse than animals. But if the rare gift and chance at freedom came, many of these slaves still wanted to go back to their "old" lives and even their old "masters," verses facing the "uncertainty of freedom." It was the only thing they knew. Things, as horrible as they were, were still familiar, and in a way, "comforting" to some. But it took the strength of many courageous people to stand up and demand that this sort of thing should never happen. And it really changed things for the better.

    Never EVER consider going back to him! He needs counseling, among other things. You probably should look into counseling as well, but not with him. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase: Once a cheater, always a cheater; well, you need to have this philosophy in mind when it comes to abusive people as well. No matter how convincing his apologies might be, repeat to yourself that you must never let yourself be with him again.

    There are all kinds of great guys out there who would never even THINK about abusing any woman.

    If you're still in honest fear of him, you need to let the authorities and any significant family members know. Your safety and health are paramount. If you need to move, move. If you need to seek legal counsel, do it.

    I wish you the best, and I'm praying for you and your well being.

    • Hopefully she does use all these comments as motivation every time she's feels unsure... this should strengthen her resolve!

  • Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds. -Hugh Elliott,

    I know you heart may be hurting for having to cut him loose, but that pain is only temporary, this too shall pass. Take a moment and think about the possibilites of staying in an abusive relationship for a long time. Is that REALLY what you want for yourself? Are you really willing to sacrifice that part, and that much of yourself to someone that is abusive simply because you do love him?

    There is a time, place, and reason for self-sacrifice, but do you really think that is should be in your love life? Your relationship? With the ONE person on the planet that you should be able to count on the most? No. Stop trying to justify being with an abusive man jsut because you feel something for him. Is that quality of man what you want for the rest of your life? Don't you deserve better?

    You may love him, but if he is abusive, he doesn't love nearly as much as you might be fooled into thinking. A healthy and loving relationship is where both people love each other.not one sided.

    If he is trying to rub salt on the wound, again I ask.is that what you want? A man that will conciously try to cause you pain and suffering? Let him go.and be thankful that you woke up now and didn't 'endure' years of needless pain.

  • I can't tell from what you said, but my guess would be that he is trying to get back together. I wouldn't listen to him unless he gets counseling or some other help with the abuse.I assume you mean physical abuse.

  • The girls are right.don't go back.he used that last text as a form of 'mental control' over you. He is trying to exploit you at your time of weakness. There are better guys out there who will treat you respectfully. No form of abuse should ever be tolerated. Ever! You should not feel guilty but instead by leaving him, you have accomplished A LOT. It cannot be an easy thing but now you need to focus on moving on. Moving on to bigger better things. You deserve the best.

  • feeling like that is natural, you've been together so long. I've heard that the longer you've been with someone the harder it is to break up. The fact that you were engaged for 2 and a half years says to me that there was still a lot between you that just didn't fit. Just give yourself some time, try to find something constructive to get your mind off him and when you're ready, move on.

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What Girls Said 8

  • he will rub salt on every one of your wounds sweety if he's the abusive type. that's how they do

  • i would say you need to totally need to shut him out of your life.change our numbers.email.and anything he is on block him or delete it (facebook .etc.) do anythin and everthing to get away.yes move to another area if you have to.not sayin out of state but go live with a friend or something for a while.somewhere he has never been so he can not find you.dont talk to him by any means.it will be easier this way because you won't have him textin you tryin to get you to come back.U NEVER NEED TO GO BACK.dont do it.because each time you go back he has one more thing to get you back with the next time.so jus don't do it.there are plenty of other guys out there.and they are a 100% better than this one.so if you need to stay single for awhile.wait for the right guy to come along.and don't fall so quickly for the new guy either.take your time.so you can make sure he is not controlling and what not.so I wish you luck.

  • It's hard to let go of someone we love. But if he was abusive, you should not feel guilty at all! Many times people who are verbally or physically abusive will try to make you feel like it was your fault because they are insecure in themsevles and need to feel that control. By him telling you that he loved you, probably his way of trying to gain you back and get back that control. Don't give it to him. No man is ever worth being abused over. It will take time to get over someone that you love. It doesn't just go away because we want it to. But you need to think of what's best for you. Do you really deserve a guy who's gonna be abusive to you, or someone who's gonna treat you like a princess?

  • dont go back to him, it wasnt your fault, if you go back he isn't going to magicly be diffrent he is going to be the exact same. be strong and be independent.dont let in.

  • Yes he is. He was abusive and you did the right thing by breaking up for him. YOU come before anyone else because YOU are worth it. Do NOT ever forget that.

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