Why do I feel guilty?

I'm feeling guilty because I dumped my boyfriend who I've been engaged to for 2 & a half years as he was abusive, but I still love him & just can't get over him, I'm in tears every day & it just feels like a death to me, & the last text he sent me, was heartbreaking, as it just said- loved you, or is he really, just rubbing salt into the wound, as they say? please help?.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I was married to one of the most wonderful men that I have ever met in my life. We had a relationship that most people only dream of. It turned violent because of his drug and alcohol use. I know just how you feel. When he and I split up, I felt like a part of me was slowly dying more and more every day. I would love to talk to you about this in private if you would like. Just let me know. I have been there before and I am hanging in there.believe me.it gets better.


What Guys Said 7

  • Oh my gosh. Coming from someone else who was smacked around quite a bit, I am so sorry about what happened to you. I have the utmost respect for you being able to leave that situation.

    I may not know you, but I already know you deserve a lot better. Though you may know that in your mind, you still might not be convinced of that in your heart.

    As hard as it may be to "feel" this, you have to know in your mind that you did the right thing by leaving him. I want you to bookmark this page, and come back and read this every time you need to remind yourself of what you GAINED by leaving that situation, when your heart won't.

    Love can be a strange thing. Being used to something can be a strange thing too. Even when it's a horrible situation, when you're venturing into new territories, the "comfort" of knowing certain things about the past, as horrible as they might be, can still be in a weird way, comforting. It's familiar territory. It's your life, and an important part of what you lived through for a very long time. This will stay with you forever, and it's had an influence on who you are and who you may become.

    I'm reminded that there are stories out there; when slavery was more popular, there were slaves who were beaten and treated worse than animals. But if the rare gift and chance at freedom came, many of these slaves still wanted to go back to their "old" lives and even their old "masters," verses facing the "uncertainty of freedom." It was the only thing they knew. Things, as horrible as they were, were still familiar, and in a way, "comforting" to some. But it took the strength of many courageous people to stand up and demand that this sort of thing should never happen. And it really changed things for the better.

    Never EVER consider going back to him! He needs counseling, among other things. You probably should look into counseling as well, but not with him. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase: Once a cheater, always a cheater; well, you need to have this philosophy in mind when it comes to abusive people as well. No matter how convincing his apologies might be, repeat to yourself that you must never let yourself be with him again.

    There are all kinds of great guys out there who would never even THINK about abusing any woman.

    If you're still in honest fear of him, you need to let the authorities and any significant family members know. Your safety and health are paramount. If you need to move, move. If you need to seek legal counsel, do it.

    I wish you the best, and I'm praying for you and your well being.

    • Hopefully she does use all these comments as motivation every time she's feels unsure... this should strengthen her resolve!

  • Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds. -Hugh Elliott,

    I know you heart may be hurting for having to cut him loose, but that pain is only temporary, this too shall pass. Take a moment and think about the possibilites of staying in an abusive relationship for a long time. Is that REALLY what you want for yourself? Are you really willing to sacrifice that part, and that much of yourself to someone that is abusive simply because you do love him?

    There is a time, place, and reason for self-sacrifice, but do you really think that is should be in your love life? Your relationship? With the ONE person on the planet that you should be able to count on the most? No. Stop trying to justify being with an abusive man jsut because you feel something for him. Is that quality of man what you want for the rest of your life? Don't you deserve better?

    You may love him, but if he is abusive, he doesn't love nearly as much as you might be fooled into thinking. A healthy and loving relationship is where both people love each other.not one sided.

    If he is trying to rub salt on the wound, again I ask.is that what you want? A man that will conciously try to cause you pain and suffering? Let him go.and be thankful that you woke up now and didn't 'endure' years of needless pain.

  • I can't tell from what you said, but my guess would be that he is trying to get back together. I wouldn't listen to him unless he gets counseling or some other help with the abuse.I assume you mean physical abuse.

  • The girls are right.don't go back.he used that last text as a form of 'mental control' over you. He is trying to exploit you at your time of weakness. There are better guys out there who will treat you respectfully. No form of abuse should ever be tolerated. Ever! You should not feel guilty but instead by leaving him, you have accomplished A LOT. It cannot be an easy thing but now you need to focus on moving on. Moving on to bigger better things. You deserve the best.

  • feeling like that is natural, you've been together so long. I've heard that the longer you've been with someone the harder it is to break up. The fact that you were engaged for 2 and a half years says to me that there was still a lot between you that just didn't fit. Just give yourself some time, try to find something constructive to get your mind off him and when you're ready, move on.


  • Ok everyone bets,place your bets here,bets anyone,place your bets here

    Ohhh my bad what does placing bets have to do with your sitiuation

    Well I don't know why women get out of bad relationships but only to find

    a guy they like and back into the same sitiuation yet again.

    And women always moan and groan about no good men out there.

    And some of the nice guys out there don't stand a chance against guys they've just left

    Guys are damned if you dammned if you don't

    Ok bets place your bets,do I hear a $5.or $20.

    Place your bets,bets here,place your bets

    And for the record unless you see the cycle your in

    My money is the next guy will be charming everything you want

    but you'll gravity towards guys that treat you bad

    Should you find that loves you and treat you like a person you'll run away

    The BGREEK has Spoken

  • he's rubbing salt in the wound, he used past tense and very precise words, to me he sounds like a p.o.s. aka (piece of sh**) be glad he isn't around to abuse you he was holding you back and keeping you under his thumb, he wasn't worth having you can do much better, there are better guys out there that will love you more than he ever could and treat you like you deserve to be treat and how you want to be treated. It'll probably be difficult to get over him and chances are you won't stop having feelings for him, that's not something you have a lot of control over just find someone better that you can love even more and it will all be far less painful and you'll be much happier. I hope this advice helps, and by the way my advice is based entirely on other women that I've heard in similar if not the same situation as you, my father was abusive, she got ridd of him felt terrible and cried a lot for a few years and still says she loves him, but she's moved on and is much happier, she isn't the only one I've talked to about this, again I hope this helps you.


What Girls Said 8

  • he will rub salt on every one of your wounds sweety if he's the abusive type. that's how they do

  • i would say you need to totally need to shut him out of your life.change our numbers.email.and anything he is on block him or delete it (facebook .etc.) do anythin and everthing to get away.yes move to another area if you have to.not sayin out of state but go live with a friend or something for a while.somewhere he has never been so he can not find you.dont talk to him by any means.it will be easier this way because you won't have him textin you tryin to get you to come back.U NEVER NEED TO GO BACK.dont do it.because each time you go back he has one more thing to get you back with the next time.so jus don't do it.there are plenty of other guys out there.and they are a 100% better than this one.so if you need to stay single for awhile.wait for the right guy to come along.and don't fall so quickly for the new guy either.take your time.so you can make sure he is not controlling and what not.so I wish you luck.

  • It's hard to let go of someone we love. But if he was abusive, you should not feel guilty at all! Many times people who are verbally or physically abusive will try to make you feel like it was your fault because they are insecure in themsevles and need to feel that control. By him telling you that he loved you, probably his way of trying to gain you back and get back that control. Don't give it to him. No man is ever worth being abused over. It will take time to get over someone that you love. It doesn't just go away because we want it to. But you need to think of what's best for you. Do you really deserve a guy who's gonna be abusive to you, or someone who's gonna treat you like a princess?

  • dont go back to him, it wasnt your fault, if you go back he isn't going to magicly be diffrent he is going to be the exact same. be strong and be independent.dont let in.

  • Yes he is. He was abusive and you did the right thing by breaking up for him. YOU come before anyone else because YOU are worth it. Do NOT ever forget that.

  • hi-first I'm sorry that you were in an abusive relationship. Second, I'm glad that you had the courage to get out of that relationship. There are too many women who stay in abusive relationships. Don't go back to him, you don't deserve to be abused. Also, don't believe him if he ever says, "but I don't won't do that again" he will, abusers all do.

    He may try to worm his way into your heart again, he knows that you are feeling vulnerable at this point in your life, don't fall prey to him again. He will only keep hurting you.

    Just give it time and you will get over him. Just think to yourself, you don't deserve to be in an abusive relationship, you deserve better. You are in a much better place by yourself and without him. It will get easier! Do something to take your mind off the heartache right now, get outside, take a walk, call a friend, go to a movie, read a book, anything to keep your mind occupied! Good luck and hang in there! :)

    • yeah he's abusive get rid of him. but don't necessarily blame him. I was beat as a child so I know that that anger and abusiveness gets put into all your relationships as you grow up.

  • You aren't feeling guilty sweetie, you are feeling scared. It is painful as heck right now, but trust me, it WILL go away and you WILL realize you are worth so much more. I was dumped by an abusive man back in April, and I tried everything to get him back. I thought I lost the love of my life and that no one else would want me. I was afraid I'd never find that again. But after awhile (and lots of prayer), I started dating and guess what? Almost every guy I went out with thought I was hot and wanted me physically. So that cancelled out my poor self image. And I met one that I'm dating right now who is so wonderful. 10 times the man that other guy was. Now I feel upset that I wasted 4 years of my life on someone who was abusive and never saw me as worth something. It wasn't love. It was insecurity. If you've been abused by this person in any way, he has control over you because you let him. Stay away from him. He only wants to make you feel like you made a mistake because he can't take the fact that you don't want him. My ex contacted me a month or so later and wondered why I let HIM go?!?!? Whatever! Men and women like that only care about people that make them feel important. They go nuts when they think they mean nothing to you anymore. He will try to get you back or make you think you made a mistake to satisfy his own ego. Please stay away from him. Don't waste years on someone who doesn't deserve you. I promise there are plenty of men out there worth so much more.

    • It's a sad state of affairs when people do things like that, and sorry you had to see that first hand.