How do I stop being socially retarded?

i am 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend or been kissed because I am socially retarded. I don't know how to talk to people. I am extremely shy and never know what to say. I'm afraid of letting others see my true self because I think they'll reject me. only my true friends understand me. I hate talking to guys because I know very well I am fat and ugly and that guys won't bother with a girl like that. do I have any hope?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • OK I have a bunch of assorted thoughts on the subject because I went through a really similar crisis about a year ago:

    - I was skinny but had strabismus (an eye disorder that makes your eyes look very ugly) and cystic acne (the most severe kind of acne out there) so it didn't really matter. I had to make some major lifestyle changes, like no eating dairy, grains, red meat, having a daily skin routine, learning to sleep in certain positions that don't irritate my skin, etc., but now I have no acne. Also because my diet is so healthy, my body is a lot better as well as my face. It's got a defined bone structure and jawline and everything. You think you'll only get skinny, but you'll become more facially beautiful as well.

    - I was similarly socially dumb. Even though I'm about to be a junior in college had only been on a date with one girl ever and that girl asked me out (this was before I started getting acne way back when I was like 14 or so heh) and I have had like one kiss in the past 5 years. You gotta start first by giving yourself reasons to like yourself. At first my reasons were pretty small because I still had some major problems and I would be happy I got out of bed and went to all my classes and took notes and stuff. Later when I solved problems like my appearance and was less nervous about that and went out every day to take care of my responsibilities, I would be happy with myself when I went to the gym to get myself in good shape compared to even the athletic kids. Or I would congratulate myself for talking to the people in my hall and paying them complements. When I was invited to go eat dinner with them it was a huge deal. Learning to like myself made me more positive and consequently made me easier to like.

    - Social skills are just like artistic skills or book smarts or writing abilities or video game abilities. You aren't born with them but you get them through practice. People who are socially skilled are people who love themselves and others so they spent lots of time in the past talking to others. If you want to be socially skilled, you have to make a commitment to get yourself out there and really talk to others and get to know yourself and others.

    Basically, I can't tell you if you have any hope or not though. If you believe in yourself and are ready to make some major changes inside and outside, you have hope and you'll have hope to do much greater and tougher things. If you read what I wrote and you are thinking "yeah but all that is so hard, is there any other way", well then you may not have any hope. When it comes to changing completely as a person, there are no shortcuts. But also there is no limit to how much you can change. For example Jessica Alba was called "the ugly duckling" by her family when she was young (read her Wikipedia and you'll see why).

    Don't let who you are now decide who you are going to be, but rather who you WANT to be decide who you're going to be. If you dream big and work hard, you got hope.

    11|2
    • Forgot to add that I got eye surgery and after all the changes, I have now been on many more dates with girls ha ha (still no girlfriends yet, I'm looking for the right woman, but I've got options for myself at least)

    • BEST ANSWER!

      Very thoughtful

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What Guys Said 45

  • Two things...

    1) People don't wake up one day and suddenly play the piano. They practice, they cramp up, they suffer, and over time they usually get good at it.

    It's easy to sit at home feeling sorry for yourself and pretending that nobody else has ever had to leave their comfort zone, but all you're doing is hurting yourself.

    Instead, you need to do what everyone else that's out and about - you're going to need to practice, practice, practice.

    Know how I started getting good with women and dating? I did what all pickup artists do: I started with baby steps... I forced my self to talk to strangers while shopping. I'd say, "Excuse me, do you know the time?" Then I graduated to, "Hey, do you know if it's supposed to rain this weekend?" And eventually I was making it up, like, "Hey, you look like you have awesome fashion sense... am I supposed to wear a white belt if I buy these white shoes? I want to look normal without looking gay, know what I mean?"

    The more you chat with people the more comfortable you'll get in your own skin.

    2) Your ego is keeping you safe and sound at home. Your ego is killing your social game. It's your ego that's overly concerned that people like you. It compares you to others and judges you for being different. It tells you that your value as a person is based upon how others see and judge you.

    Kill that motherf***er while you're still young. Because if you let your ego rule your life you'll always end up getting walked all over, hurt and dismissed.

    If you had no ego you wouldn't care about such silly things as "rejection" or "embarrassment" because these are just useless worries. Google the ego and see what you can learn about taming the beast. It'll be the best thing you ever did!

    Once you've lessened the pull of you ego you'll come to realize that the only person whose opinion matters is your own. That's it, that's all.

    And if you're not willing to encourage and raise yourself up, why should anyone else.

    We're all in the same game together... we're all worried about everyone else and what they'll think of us.

    It's those who become enlightened enough to go beyond their egos who truly find happiness and peace!

    Good luck butter cup!

    ~ Robby

    My Blog ( link )

    6|4
  • You do, but you need to change your attitude about yourself.

    I am a rather shy guy, so I can comprehend what you mean when you say you're socially retarded. I would never hold that in itself against you.

    What I would hold against you is if this made you fickle, and you avoided be truthful to guys or just ran from them altogether. You need to be confident about yourself, so that won't happen. Doesn't mean you're perfect...you just need to realize what you have going for yourself.

    I'm not talking about fake outer confidence...it's the inner confidence that's important. Ultimately, you will be rejected...maybe several times...and it will hurt. BUT the fact is we all get rejected, and you can't let that change you. This is why you need rock solid inner confidence...it's not about appearing confident to boys, it's about appearing confident to yourself.

    The most important thing to remember is that boys are more like you than you imagine. We're actually very sensitive, and sometimes emotionally weaker than women are. Every guy has a vulnerable spot, and the only guys who don't get hurt by women are players (because they don't open themselves up)...and you shouldn't be looking for that kind of guy anyway...

    The reason you maybe don't realize this is because guys are taught at a young age that it's not OK to be weak. Our peers mocks us if we show sensitivity, so we hide it, but that doesn't mean it's not there. We do this because we're forced...women aren't forced nearly as much. When you realize the pressure we go through, and that we're really just human beings like you, it should help you to feel more confident to be around guys.

    And also...here's a tip...you can use the last fact I gave you to your advantage, because guys are secretly drawn to girls who make them feel confident. Being a hot babe can be a plus or minus in this area -- if he feels his natural charms are the reason he's with such a hot babe, then he'll feel more confident being around her. But if he feels she's out of his league, then his confidence will decrease. And especially if she treats him like crap, he'll end up drifting towards a girl who doesn't. Other ways to make him feel confident are laughing his jokes, flirting or even just being friendly, complimenting him...but also being good at taking compliments, opening up to him and being downright honest about how you feel, acting like you need him, etc. You don't have to do all of these things, but any will help.

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  • From a guy who's been in a similar point in my life (I'm still very shy and socially awkward) there is hope, weight is never all that big of an issue, it can be "fixed" with a better diet and exercise, I dropped from 230 lbs to 160 so yea, that's not so big of an issue, you just have to put a bit of effort into whatever you want you can achieve almost anything if you set your mind to it!

    As for FEELING ugly there's a BIG difference between BEING unattractive and FEELING unattractive, many times these two things are confused, and in either case there is always hope, part of appealing to others is having faith in yourself, finding supportive people to surround yourself with is a great start, and finding things about yourself that you really like is another way to help get inspired about being who you are, tell yourself at least one thing each day you like about yourself and one thing you're greatful for, it's a great way to start each day.

    As for social issues, it really depends on how severe it is for you, it could be Social Anxiety Disorder in which case therapy and or medication may be needed, but if it's not that sever you can work on it by starting off small, often times the biggest steps of progress can be made in the littlest of ways. Perhaps start off talking to guys online it's a safer enviornment and can really help you to flourish and blossom socially, don't worry too much about people accepting you as you are, would you rather have friends that appreciate you for who you are, or friends that like who they think you are or in some cases just what they think you can do for them?

    If you want "practice" or any other advice on how to get better with these things and get more confidence and feel as though I might have something with this answer feel free to message me, I'll help as I can. =)

    Best of luck to you and hope everything works out for you regardless of what path in life you choose.

    3|0
  • First of all you call yourself a princess for life so deep somewhere you must feel your not fat and ugly or want to be perceived as a princess. I looked at your pic and although I can't see it that good you no only are not ugly but look quite beautiful and are clearly thin and not fat at all. But for some very very odd reason you have low self esteem and don't feel good about yourself--I don't know who in your life gave you the impression you're unloveable and not beautiful but that must have stuck in your psyche.

    All I can say sweetie is the ugly image is not true trust me let it go it ain't true you are beautiful. As far as the shy thing most guys like that I do--i can't stand loud obnoxious aggressive girls--if guys come onto you which they will just be open and don't shut them out and run away. give em a chance. plus I find it hard that no guy has ever tried to kiss u.

    and what is it about your true self that will make people run away--i mean really? everyone has there guard up to some degree we all come from dysfunctional families, and burp, scratch our buts, and get blamishes and have I feel fat not so good days

    If you need to talk to and surround yourself with people who make you feel good not people who think your ugly and fat which someone must have told you. see a psychiatrist if you have to if you have social anxiety or take meds for it. I used to years ago for anxiety.

    dont feel bad about not being kissed or having a bf(im sure your not the only girl who hasnt) I would be honored to pucker your hot lips...later hope that advice helped. if you need to talk about your prroblems in the future just ask me anytime

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  • How about starting to work out and starting to feel better about yourself? There are quite a few chubby girls out there that give me a boner but they all take good care of themselves, have great haircuts etc. Also it's not that difficult to lose weight if you excercise. It can be really fun too. Just don't expect that you'll loose weight immediatelly and do it for the fun of it. It also lowers the sex-drive, releases endorfins etc. There is no downside to excercise. You're young. You can change you appearance like that *snaps his fingers*. You owe it to yourself to try.

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What Girls Said 33

  • I was exactly like you when I was 18. I didn't even get a boyfriend or my first kiss until I was a freshmen in college. I was so shy to where I only talked to a few people. Trust me talking to people only gets easier with time. All you have to do is have the attitude that you don't care what people think. I spent my whole life caring what other people thought about me and I forgot to live life to the fullest every day becasue of it. If people reject you for who you are they are not worth it. People who don't love you for who you are, are people you shouldn't even want to be around. Also it is all about how you carry yourrself and how much you love yourself. If somebodoy see's that you love yourself and are unique they would love you. Try thinking about little things that you love about yourself and keep those in mind when you look in the mirror. I am sure you are a nice person. Just slowly put yourself out there by joining a club or something you love. Your communicating skills will evolve from there. And of course you have hope. Some guy who is worth your time will come by and see how beautiful you are and break you from your shell. You just haven't found the one to break you free from your shyness yet. By the way not all guys like stick figures as girlfriends.

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  • you sound like you need confidence. you definitely don't look fat in the picture and you need more positive enforcement and you also need to tell yourself you look fine. and start going out there and talking to guys. have fun and make it a learning experience, use common sense and it isn't that hard to go talk to guys. they're people too.

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  • your not ugly but the red lipstick or lip gloss got to go you look way too old for your age with it... now you could whine and bitch (excuse the language) about your weight or you could do something about it - the way life is - its momentous and everything happens at the time its supposed to happen... you can't possibly reason with it but you could hope for better things to come along in the near future and not be negative and everything will be fine... the anonymous user that wrote a 2 page story is right once you start to lose weight you gain confidence and you feel like your on top of the world...your bone structure really changes and no one can possibly recognize you anymore - but it all depends on you on what you want to do so good luck and have fun while you still can and don't worry you'll meet the one meant for you!

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  • You have hope. You need some emotional help in the way of professional therapy. I've been there... I was a teen and wasn't pretty because I had horrible acne and overweight. You need to change your outlook and start being positive. Keep dressing up and making an effort. It'll make you feel better about yourself. And always ask yourself, "how can I feel just a little better than I do now?"

    Good luck...

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  • one word: confidence

    It can literally make someone more physically attractive when they are confident in who they are. Been scientifically proven

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    • Funny, I though confidence was a masculine trait

    • Confidence is a masculine trait? I suppose then you prefer insecure, jealous girls who wouldn't mind dating a sexist douchebag. You probably prefer those types, I'm guessing

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