Why would a guy say awful and hurtful things to his girlfriend and then say he didn’t mean it?

I have been dating a guy for four years and we live together. Recently he has developed a habit of verbally attacking me with no provocation. I ask what is wrong and he will tell me nothing but will still be very mean and make nasty comments to me.

On my birthday he was mean, snippy and rude to me all day. I asked him what his problem with me was since he was only like this to me and he told me he did not have a problem. This continued all day and by the evening he had retired to just watching TV and making the occasional mean comment to me from across the room as I did some work on the computer. One of these comments went too far and I walked across the room and turned the TV off and said to him” Either you can tell me what’s wrong and we can talk about it or stop talking to me like that”. He said “I have nothing to say to you, move out of the way of the TV”. I then said “I can’t understand why you are being like this to me today, we haven’t been fighting lately but on my birthday you treat me like this? What is going on with you”

He then began to just flip out and he attacked everything about me like my physical appearance, my personality and my sexual skills. These comments were personal and detailed like he had been coming up with them for a while although he had never said anything like that before in three years of our relationship.

I said “well why are you with me then” and he said that he was with me because he felt sorry for me since I have kids and my husband left me right before we met.

He later said he did not mean these things but offered no reason as to why he said them. It has also happened a few times after my birthday where he becomes withdrawn, mean and unresponsive. Then in a day or so he is loving, kind and himself again. After he has done something to hurt me he will be mean to ME for a few days afterward telling me he feels bad about it. Why be mean to me if you are the one who was wrong? It drives me crazy.

I can’t figure out if he is really telling me how he feels and then chickens out or if he is secretly angry with me and this is way of dealing with it. I have tried to breakup with him but he says he loves me and asks me not to leave. I do love him very much and that is why I have not left yet but I would love to understand what is going on with him. Any comments, advice or insight into this behavior would be very much appreciated.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Is he cheating on you? Is he bipolar? There is something very wrong here. He is not treating you respectfully and doesn't even care to on special days like your birthday. That is unacceptable.

    When you have tried to break up with him - have you really truly meant it. There is a difference between wanting to shake someone into submission and really being through with it - no matter what. They could give you a million dollars and if you are really done with this jerk - he is out - no exceptions.

    I friend of mine was married to a physical and verbal abuser. He stopped the physical abuse after she threatened him but still called her names all the time. She told me that she finally starting writing it down on her calendar. There came a night that he did it again and she confronted him and said - you know for the last so many days (I think it was something like 30 out of 35 days) you have called me names. He was shocked and of course denied it all and got even angrier at her. She said she went and took a bath. In the tub she finally realized after being married to him for 4 years and putting up with this (this man even called her a bitch on their wedding night) that she was done. She got out of the tub, told him she was filing for divorce and nothing he could do or say would make her change her mind. He knew she meant it this time.

    The best part of her story is that the next day at work one of her friends who didn't know what she had done the night before said to her - what's up with you today? you are so happy and you seem like a different person. She told her then that she was getting a divorce from the jerk and her life has been better since.

    Just know that you don't have to put up with this. Even if he is bipolar (which I don't think would be every other day or so - but I'm not sure). You deserve respect everyday and not to be walking on eggshells wondering if this guy is going to go off.

    Best of luck to you! Take care of yourself!