A good friend said I would be "too good for him." WHY?

I have this guy friend who I have been really good friends with for 11 years now. We always make each other laugh, are always very honest with each other, and we just seem to get along great. I had a crush on him back in high school, then did not see him much through college (I lived 2 hours away), but now I get to see him more often again and the feelings came back. His mom absolutely loves me and always calls me her "daughter in law." I always knew we had chemistry, but nothing ever happened. I recently talked to him and jokingly told him that I had a crush on him in high school, just to see how he reacts. He basically said "You are too good for me, I would never measure up to you. It would make me feel like sh!t to be with a girl who is so much better and smarter than me, it would make me look like a loser." And I know he was saying this sincerely, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend and so it's not like he had to say something to nicely get rid of me. I tried to explain to him why I like him and why I don't think I'm better than him in any way, but it didn't help... He still thinks I walk on water and is too intimidated by it to start anything. This got me thinking that maybe other guys think like that too, and I have been told by a couple guy friends before that guys must find me intimidating. Yes, I have a great job, excellent education and currently going for my Masters, and I can honestly say that life has been kind to me in what I was able to accomplish. But now I feel like all of the things I worked so hard for my whole life seem to be ultimately making me miserable, because no guy wants to be with me or will even give me a chance. I have a super low self-esteem when it comes to my looks, as I am a bit overweight, and I always thought that's what was pushing all the guys away (and maybe it does push some away). But I was completely shocked to learn that they are pushed away by my accomplishments and intelligence. What can I do to change that without "dumbing myself down?" How do you convince someone that you don't see them as someone "below" yourself? I am tired of being alone because I'm apparently "too good" for someone :( HELP!

 

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Most Helpful Opinion

  • Hmm don't feel bad, or feel like you were in anyway lucky, you worked hard your whole life like you said to get where you are, that's a good quality to me, I don't care about how much money a girl has, her job, car or whatever, & weight isn't a problem for be granted I'm attracted to her and she's a kind & sweet person, that's what really gets to me.Have anther heart to heart with him, maybe tell him some of the things you mentioned in your question, if you don't care about his fiancial status and such, which seems to be the reason he's intimidated, explain to him that doesn't matter to you, and you feel you two have chemistry and that's all that matters, you like him for him.

    • Thanks for the reply, I am glad there are guys out there who can appreciate a woman's hard work and intelligence rather than pushing her away because of it. I had the convo with him many times to explain that I only care what kind of person he is, not where he works or his social status. I think because he knows me so well though, he really does know about all my achievements. And I guess it doesn't help that his mom thinks (and verbally expressed) that I'm too good for him :/

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    • Yeah his mom always says things like "Oh I would love a daughter in law like that, you are amazing, but Luke knows that he is not good enough for you." So I think she even facilitates him thinking that way. She said to me once "You know that guys will be scared of you, because they could never measure up to you. Luke realizes that very well, he said once that no girl he knows could even come close to you." At first this made me happy, thinking it's a compliment. But now it seems that it's bad :(

    • Give him constant reassurance that your into him, and don't care about money or material items.

What Guys Said 3

  • His excuse is total bs. He's just not interested.

  • The "too good for me" excuse is a very complicated one. The thing is, and I'm speaking from personal experience here, if you have met someone who is a little too good for you, you'll know it. Now it's not about them "stealing your thunder" it's more of the fact that it just seems too surreal and unrealistic. To be frank (again I am speaking from experience here), a girl too good for a guy is the sensation of the guy feeling unneeded for the girl. I can imagine many girls feel the same about this. I wouldn't say this is playing on insecurities exactly, it's more or less challenging one's personal thoughts on social expectations, and to some degree their common sense. For me personally I think it's on the level of knowing the compatibility me and a potential partner may have which isn't necessarily bad, but, it just feels like they deserves more. And I guess that's the real problem right there, I feel like I'll be spoiled with something too good for me while they'll have to "put up" with me. Usual trait patterns are when you seem to realize you would screw things up too many times, cheat and get away with it or not being able to reciprocate feelings efficiently enough.Overall he may not exactly feel guilty to be in a relationship with you but he surely doesn't think you being with him is ideal for you. I know this can sound a little offensive and patronising since you should be the judge of that and not him. But you haven't really given him much to believe he deserves anything from you which is why this has happened. It may or may not be too late for him and you, I do not know because you haven't really explained any encounter that seems to have progressed your situation or make it worse.I will say though, in terms of self-esteem, you shouldn't just feel bad for no reason. Do you think yourself being overweight is a problem, not necessarily lowering the guys that take an interest in you, but an actual problem? You should first and foremost get into grips with what your romantic interests are. Are you interested in seeing men, or just your current crush? Have you got the confidence to approach men of your interest or do you want them to approach you? It seems that you may not really have ventured in to romance all that much, as it takes quite some effort if you don't actively do it often. I completely get how you sense your accomplishments and surprisingly pleasant lifestyle may put others off based on the past, but you need to put a new angled approach which centers mostly upon your personality.

  • You simply have to spend more time with those guys.You don't have to bring up all your accomplishments every time you talk to them.Be humble. Simply listen to what the guys have to say.

    • I actually never bring up my accomplishments in a convo with others, we just went to the same high school and know each other well as friends, so he knows everything that I have been through and all my achievements. I never try to make anyone feel inferior, if anything I always try to build people up. He is the one though that always says how amazing I am at everything and that it would make him feel like a complete loser to be me boyfriend. I spoke to him many times and told him I like him for him.

    • Did you try, "Be my boyfriend." when nothing worked?

    • Lol no, I guess I did not go that far :)

What Girls Said 1

  • I think that he is the one that doesn't see things clearly. Its awesome that you worked super hard to get where you are and don't let him take you down. He is insecure and so I agree with Michaelmwm19.. talk to him again and explain that you care for what's inside and not for what materials things can get bought. Everybody needs love and its doesn't matter if we are poor or rich. Love is Love no matter what the circumstances are. :) Good luck and don't lose your self-esteem. Your beautiful no matter what ! God Bless and again Good Luck :)

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