How do you deal with someone that has really hurt you?

In any way whatsoever. How do you deal with that?

Do you find it easy to forgive? Or do you forgive?

Can you move on, or will you avoid the person forever?

How did you get over it to get on with life?

Okay, sorry to everyone that has answered already. This is a hypothetical question. I'm asking what You do when someone hurts You. It's not because I can't forgive anyone specific. Please answer with that in mind and, if you want, give your examples.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Basically once a guy hurts me, I lose the trust and security in him. It would take many things for him to do to prove that he's worth another chance, emotional and mental things, money or any gifts wouldn't buy me back. However if I notice myself wasting time on him when he isn't trying to recover what he's done, I'd quit forever, because I hate when someone plays with my emotions (it's just when I really like the guy), once his personalty is figured, there's no point to re-figure it. For relationship or any type of friendship to work, trust is number one thing. It's just about the effort second party puts to repay what he/she's done.

    • Very good answer. You're right - no amount of money can ever truly buy trust back. For the shallow people that think it can, they're deluding themselves. That isn't trust they're giving - it's just a license to manipulate. Trust is ESENTIAL for a relationship of any kind to work, so that must be kept. Here's another thought for you, though - if you REALLY like a guy, and he makes little to no effort to gain your trust back, is he really worth it? Does he really respect you?

      Very nice answer. :)

What Girls Said 11

  • My Answer

    Because the situation is so vague, there are innumerable ways to combat this question. I'm going to go from personal experience. When I found out my boyfriend cheated on me, I was devastated. I felt lost and betrayed, not to mention angry beyond mention. We are still together so I had to learn to forgive him in order for the relationship to last beyond this event. At first it was really challenging. I would throw his infidelity in his face and it effected our relationship, I resented him and he was stressed due to the fact that I couldn't let the situation go. Over time, I have gotten less angry at the situation and life is back to normal. I think to truly forgive someone who broke your trust, you have to let trust rebuild first, which takes time. Also remember the saying, "Its easier to forgive than to forget"

    Mango =]

    • Haha same answer twice, don't I look retarded? lol

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    • Trust me, no worries. everything is great now, but I figured I'd bring up that time of my life to use it as a lens to answer the question. but thanks!

    • Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it, as it is a very personal thing. I wish you the best on the road to recovery from that situation. Trust is one of the hardest things to rebuild as everything that can remind us of the offense, probably will. You have quite a lot of strength of character to be able to do that, and I admire that in a person.

  • It depends on how they hurt you and how badly it affected you. The easiest thing to do with someone that has hurt you is to forgive and forget. Forgive them and forget them. You have to move on, because if they hurt you they are not worth your time. Don't avoid them forever- maybe down the road you will find a friendship again, but don't try and be best friends today. Just remember, there's many other people out there that won't hurt you and that will make you much happier.

    • Easier to forgive and forget? I personally think that this is the hardest thing to do. I think it is much easier to resent them and never let go of it. It isn't the healthiest thing to do, though. Unforgiveness eats a person up inside and rots their minds into a twisted wreck of hatred.

      I do agree with you though on the point of not being able to avoid them forever, and the possibility of friendship later on down the road. I think that that is the first prize, the one I want over all.

  • This is an excellent question! Hmmm I throw my shoes at them! LOL Nah just kidding! I let myself feel the hurt until it heals and forgiveness speeds up that process. Depending on what they did, I'll move on either way, but just because I forgive them doesn't mean that I'll have anything to do with them. I keep in mind that they don't control me or pay my bills and therefore they can't stop me from getting on with my life, only I can. So that helps me pick up the pieces, put myself back together, and get on with my life.

    • That's a very good outlook on things. Just because you forgive them, doesn't mean that you need to let yourself get hurt again and again. Throwing shoes sounds fun at times though. Lol.

      Forgiveness does help you move on though. Without it, you carry around that hurt and never let it go. It might dull, but one reminder of it and it'll hurt just as badly again. It's good that you get on with your life and don't let something someone else did ruin that

  • It's really tough to act like nothing happened when someone has really hurt you--and often times, its not a good idea either. When I've been truly hurt in the past, I will usually draw back for a while, and think about what happened between me and the other party. I'll try to understand their actions, and the whole situation. Most of the time, I can usually come to some understanding as to why they chose those actions, even if they wouldn't have been the actions I've taken. If I really don't understand, I might go to them after a week or so and ask them to explain why they did what they did.

    Then I try to decide if those actions reflect the kind of person I want to associate with. If the answer is yes, I'll go talk to them, and try to make peace with what happened. If the answer is no, I will go my separate way, because I know no one is benefiting from the friendship/relationship.

    • Withdrawing is a danger I'm all too familiar with. It actually makes things worse in the long run because you mull over it and never get over it truly. It is true that you can accept that whatever it is happened, but do you get over it? Confrontation and forgiveness work well. Would you avoid your bff if they did something really horrid to you, but this one time only? Is it better to have the friend, or get away from the person responsible for hurting you? Is that even possible?

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    • Having a friend is only worthwhile as long as it is a positive relationship for both parties. So if they were repeatedly hurting me, and they weren't willing to acknowledge and fix what they were doing, I would try to stay as far away from them as possible.

    • Good point. I did see you didn't mention forgiving, but is it healthy for yourself not to try to go in that direction? Anyhoo, sometimes my experience with friends says that if you stick with it, things will often come right in the end. But I have had many friendships that didn't end well. One even went from bff to biggest bully in the space of a week, so I do know what you mean. I have forgiven him now, to the point I could get along (never bff again), so I do understand what you say here.

  • Well it's always easiest to admit to yourself you're not over that person. I liked a guy a lot even though we didn't go out except one "date". He stopped liking me but didn't tell me so I embarrassed myself by always talking to him and stuff. One day I asked him-even though I knew the answer- to "Do you like me or not? " When he said no it sucked a lot. It's been two months and for awhile it was a real struggle. I got over him by stop talking to him altogether and always trying to never be where I knew he'd be. It was real hard walking by him in the hallway knowing that we went on this "date" and I had a great time but he didn't. I got over him by getting really busy in other things like school and band.

    • Ouch, that's harsh. Are you truly over this guy, or is it still hard to see him? I once liked a girl to the point of thinking I really loved her. When I approached her, she said no and it did sting quite a bit too, so I can know a thing or two about what you mean. It makes things so weird that nobody but someone like that can understand. Do you still feel hurt whenever you see him?

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    • Definitely not. If somebody doesn't respect you enough to make an effort, they don't deserve it either. Life is more than just the comfy hugs and hand holding - there's all the bumps and things on the way too. There's the boring parts of life that takes a bit of effort to stay focussed on, and he should be able to do that, not just be there for the highlights.

    • Lol hollaback. That's so true :)

  • I am really sensitive, once I get hurt I won't forget it forever, but the thing is I forgive or act like nothing happened. It's only when I really like the guy. But if it happens too many times I just quit on him.

    • It's good that you forgive. I don't think it's really possible to forget, but it is possible to let go of the anger and pain you felt at the time. It's also possible to make the decision not to take it up again. What did you mean by "It's only when I really like the guy"? I suppose if you get hurt continuously you can't be expected to keep on giving chances for him to do it over and over again. That makes sense.

    • I meant if I didn't really like the guy then I wouldn't waste much of my time forgiving him and continuing. Otherwise I'd give him another chance because I really like him. Lol I guess that's my biggest weakness when at once he can make me cry and then his little word 'sorry' changes everything. But relationship like that would just crush me. It's said we love because we want to get hurt. Lol

    • I must admit I haven't heard that one before, but when I look at all the relationships around me, I also see so much of hurting and making up going on that it confuses me. It's pretty funny though how that happens. How do you rate how deep your feelings are to see if he's worth going back to when he says sorry? BTW, you should check another of my Q's about why girls go back to guys that hurt them. It's gotten interesting responses. I'm not saying you're like that, but you might like reading it.

  • I forgive, but you can guarantee I'll never talk to your ass again...

    Like, I'll be completely over the guy and forgave him and whatever, but I just don't takl to them because I know I'll probably like them again and start the sh*t all over again

    • What's your definition of forgiveness? That's one of the things that I've found with this question: Most people have different definitions of it than what I do.

      Incidentally, what you've said here ties into another question that I've asked about why so many girls keep going back to the guys that have continually hurt them so badly in the past. Take a squiz through my profile to find it. Interesting answers there.

    • My definition is I forgive YOU, but I don't forgive what you've done to me.

      You have to forgive people because by nature, people aren't perfect, no matter what. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone's gonna hurt someone's feelings, everyone's gonna keep doing things that hurt them until they learn and accept that it's no good for them and move on.

      For women, when we REALLY like someone, it's hard to totally get them out of your system if you keep bringing them back...kinda like relapsing lol

  • Well you have to move on if you have been hurt because if you hold on to it it will hurt you more

    • Very true. I can say that from experience, and it hurts a hell of a lot more at the end.

  • Time.

    Its really hard 4 me at first, but I learn 2 stay away.

    • That can work, I suppose. Do you find that everything comes rushing back when you see the person again, or is it completely gone? If it's gone, then great, but if not, do you know a way to stop that from becoming an issue again?

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    • I'm really glad for you on that count. It basically, as you said, means that you can be friends after all the history. That makes me think that there is hope in that whole thing of "let's just be friends" that is one of the common break-up do's. So it Is possible? All it takes is time. That's good to know.

    • Thanx I'm glad I can help

  • Because the situation is so vague, there are innumerable ways to combat this question. I'm going to go from personal experience. When I found out my boyfriend cheated on me, I was devastated. I felt lost and betrayed, not to mention angry beyond mention. We are still together so I had to learn to forgive him in order for the relationship to last beyond this event. At first it was really challenging. I would throw his infidelity in his face and it effected our relationship, I resented him and he was stressed due to the fact that I couldn't let the situation go. Over time, I have gotten less angry at the situation and life is back to normal. I think to truly forgive someone who broke your trust, you have to let trust rebuild first, which takes time. Also remember the saying, "Its easier to forgive than two forget"

    • Okay, now I look the idiot. I thought that this was a different answerer and that your duplicate would be under the same name and therefore deleted because I didn't see it here. I've just notified admin that this answer is spam, so maybe they'll delete it.

What Guys Said 6

  • Its damn not easy to forget. But I generally give it time to heal over.

    But giving him or her a second chance can put you in a vulnerable position if the person tries the same all over again.

    Avoiding is a better option, but yet again if causing hurt is not what they can avoid, then better to start finding their weakness and hit back

    • That is one of the main potential dangers of loving someone - they may hurt you again and again. Do you view avoiding someone as bottling everything up, or do you view it as getting over the situation at the end of all things?

      What is forgiveness to you? Many people I know, myself included, say that it's actually a decision not to get angry over the thing any longer, and if it does come back up, wishing the person well instead of being angry. That's hard. REALLY hard.

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    • Just gave an honest comment...I have been through lot of hacking behind my back; of trust by closest friends (because of gals); from an ex cause she just couldn't communicate that she likes her dad more...there are times when you completely shatter, when you break down, when you go into depression...and then you give it a thought why the heck you being the dolt; if they can be mean you surely can be meaner...i can forgive only if behind its shadow I have a chance to show my meaner self ;-)

    • Okay, I can see that. I don't necessarily agree that it is a good thing - unhealthy even, but that's okay. And no sweat. I'm not so much into changing people's views as I am into making people think about why they have the beliefs that they do. For example, I'm a believer in abstinence before marriage. Mostly it's because of my faith, but if that's all, if the only reason that I believe it is because someone tells me to, then it is worthless. I have other reasons too.

      That's why I asked this Q.

  • Moving on is not a problem so much as forgiving the person. Mostly, I just tried to cut the person out of my life thinking maybe that time and distance would allow me to let it go. I've (kind of) forgotten about the whole ordeal but when I do think about it, I still become angry. So it's a no-go on forgiveness, at least for now, if ever. For me, I don't think I'll ever be able to truly offer forgiveness in the form you're talking about. I can only push the pain to the back of my mind and conveniently forget it's there. Not healthy psychologically maybe, but neither is wishing well the person who did this imho.

    • What I'm talking about when I say that is to truly forgive the person. To be able to wish them well, it means that you force yourself to let go of the pain that hurts you psychologically too. That's a liberating thing, despite being so incredibly hard to do. It is one of the hard things to do that makes more difficult things easier later on in life. Basically, it's character building.

      BTW, your avatar - do you like Bleach? Anime fan myself - Naruto and Bleach amongst others.

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    • Is this the same ex you're talking about here? It's good that you're trying to get over it. It can't be an easy thing to do. I haven't exactly got any experience, but I do know that much. If you continue trying, I do know that it will eventually get much easier to do and you'll feel much better for it.

    • Yeah same girl lol.

  • I assume you're talking about an ex! I've found that its better to forget about them, and cut them completely out of your life.

    • Do you forgive them, though? Or do you walk around with a ton of resentment on your own shoulders? You can still cut them out of your life, but do you let go of the pain and anger you felt towards them?

    • No, I don't carry pain and anger around; that would slowly consume you! I just meant that they are no longer close to me, so why try to be close friends? They should, at best, be nothing more than acquaintances; otherwise, the bad memories and hurt never go away!

    • But do you not see that as the main objective of forgiveness? To continually give it, despite whatever reminds you? I can truly say that I've forgiven Robert Mugabe (ex-Zimbabwe president - YAY) who ruined the country of my birth and took two farms from my family without compensation. I can say that I will never befriend the man, but even witb his continued lies and hate-mongering, I choose to forgive and lay that anger aside every time. I wish him the best on his fleeing (he's run away now).

  • I forgive immediately by choice and try to make amends, even if they are supposed to. But secretly the little grudge may live on to become a monster or otherwise be annihilated by a significant reimbursement or favor by the culprit.

    • Yeah, you've got to be careful of the whole 'eye for an eye' thing. Things can very quickly spiral out of control.

  • All wounds heal with time man

    • Time is the best doctor, I suppose. Thanks for the answer.

  • I'm going to answer this in the form of a breakup.

    I have been in 2 breakups in my life which of course are not very happy moments in life, but I just recently broke up with my girlfriend and it sucks nuts. Sadly both break ups for me the girl broke up with me for whatever reason and to get over these things for me was time and just keeping your distance from this person. Don't call, text, or even talk to them because then you will just be constantly reminded of how they hurt you or just everything you might not have anymore. Having awesome friends help a lot with break ups. But bottom line is that distance and just time to heal. I actually talk to my first ex and we have been broken up for a good 4 years now but it took a while for me even talk to her again. You might not even talk to this person ever again but it does happen, not an impossibility. I do not find it easy to forgive but will eventually forgive the other person. As for moving on, I have with my first ex but just breaking up with my current girlfriend about 2 weeks ago, I'll give you an update on how I'm doing when I get over it. Haha.

    But life will always go on, there is always something or someone out there, the hardest part is getting yourself to accept this and realize it. Hope this helped somewhat =].

    • Interesting answer. Check my comments to Aditya below, and answer comments here. I'll also continue that debate with you. I'll wait for your reply before I give the agree/disagree point here.

      Basically, I see forgiveness as a decision to truly wish the person well every time you're reminded of the pain and anger you've had towards them. Speak to you soon!

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    • Forgiveness. I would say the ultimate forgiveness is from God who will forgive and forget our sins, but none of us can really do that can we? I would say to really just keep your distance from this person to allow yourself to heal because if you still feel this anger or such toward this person you are just not ready to have this person back in your life again.

      As for forgiving someone, I think once you have forgiven someone for the pain/anger they caused you, it's done and over with.

    • Talking to an ex will have to be weird. Nothing is the same, nor should it be. What do you do when something reminds you of what pain you went through? Do you drop it or do you let it burn for a while first?

      When does the point come when you can say that you actually have forgiven the other person? That they can come back into your life? Is that still carrying around the anger to deny them your complete friendship, or is it forgiving and that it's a process?