Hi, I have a problem. I am very clingy. I am obsessive, needy and clingy.
I have been dating someone for two years, and for the first time, we had a long talk about it, and he is willing to help me overcome it.
I hate staying away from him because I get scared that if he has free time he would want to chase girls. I call him at least five times daily, and text at least ten times.
I send him airtime once his own runs out so I can always keep tabs on him. Am not so bad, I cook, wash his clothes, give him gifts all the time, help him with work, and all that and he appreciates it.
Also, I investigate his phone, check his mails, to be sure that he is not cheating or getting friendly woth girls.
I also started pressurising him for marriage after two monts of the relationship, and he gets sooo scared when I bring up the marriage topic again.
Anyway, I want to change, but its so hard. The moment I hear he has a female friend, my heart
starts beating fast!
He has been understanding, but I don't like the way I am. I want to change. I need ideas, things I can do to stop me from being clingy!
Please I need help. Don't tell me to see a therapist, we don't have any where I live in africa
Most Helpful Girl
The guy sounds like he really cares about you so you're lucky. A lot of guys would just stop calling.
Ok you need to
1) Not call him during the day. AT ALL. Surely he's at work/college? And wouldn't you see him regularly anyway?
2) Cut down your text to one per day. I might sound harsh but this is a reasonable amount. Personally I find it baffling-what do you talk about when you do see each other after being in contact so much? Do you not think a bit of absence can be exciting? And that when you see them again, its more passionate than if you see them all the time?
3) STOP checking his emails. Do you hack into his account?
4) Don't give him airtime and most importantly STOP keeping tabs on him! You're acting really paranoid. Do you have any reason to be suspicious?
He deserves to have a life of his own. Separate from you. His own work/college, his own hobbies, his own sets of friends etc. You're suffocating him. If you're not careful you will push him away. Being needy is very unattractive.
Ok lecture over.
You're suffering from co-dependency. Look up the book "Co-dependency No More" on Amazon. It'll explain it to you. It's surprisingly common so you're not the only one. Basically it means that you're so focused on your boyfriend that you put his needs first, your needs last and that you don't have your own individual identity. You don't have a life outside him. You need to develop your own interests.What are you passionate about? Do you have good friends? If you've pushed them aside for the relationship, you need to get back in contact asap and go on some girly nights out. Take up a new hobby, do different things. Once your focus is not on him and on yourself, your behaviour should improve. But seriously you have to cut down on the constant contact asap like I outlined before.
I know you say you don't want to go to a therapist but you ought to see one at some stage. They can help you with this. Why do it alone? You need to be a whole person to have a good relationship instead of just half a person. Jane Fonda's autobiography is good as it describes how she kept trying to please all her husbands. With each husband, she took on a new persona because she thought that's what they wanted. But it wasn't who she was. I suspect your situation is similar.
Good Luck and Hope you take the advice!xx