How to stop being clingy
Hi, I have a problem. I am very clingy. I am obsessive, needy and clingy.
I have been dating someone for two years, and for the first time, we had a long talk about it, and he is willing to help me overcome it.
I hate staying away from him because I get scared that if he has free time he would want to chase girls. I call him at least five times daily, and text at least ten times.
I send him airtime once his own runs out so I can always keep tabs on him. Am not so bad, I cook, wash his clothes, give him gifts all the time, help him with work, and all that and he appreciates it.
Also, I investigate his phone, check his mails, to be sure that he is not cheating or getting friendly woth girls.
I also started pressurising him for marriage after two monts of the relationship, and he gets sooo scared when I bring up the marriage topic again.
Anyway, I want to change, but its so hard. The moment I hear he has a female friend, my heart
starts beating fast!
He has been understanding, but I don't like the way I am. I want to change. I need ideas, things I can do to stop me from being clingy!
Please I need help. Don't tell me to see a therapist, we don't have any where I live in africa
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
The guy sounds like he really cares about you so you're lucky. A lot of guys would just stop calling.
Ok you need to
1) Not call him during the day. AT ALL. Surely he's at work/college? And wouldn't you see him regularly anyway?
2) Cut down your text to one per day. I might sound harsh but this is a reasonable amount. Personally I find it baffling-what do you talk about when you do see each other after being in contact so much? Do you not think a bit of absence can be exciting? And that when you see them again, its more passionate than if you see them all the time?
3) STOP checking his emails. Do you hack into his account?
4) Don't give him airtime and most importantly STOP keeping tabs on him! You're acting really paranoid. Do you have any reason to be suspicious?
He deserves to have a life of his own. Separate from you. His own work/college, his own hobbies, his own sets of friends etc. You're suffocating him. If you're not careful you will push him away. Being needy is very unattractive.
Ok lecture over.
You're suffering from co-dependency. Look up the book "Co-dependency No More" on Amazon. It'll explain it to you. It's surprisingly common so you're not the only one. Basically it means that you're so focused on your boyfriend that you put his needs first, your needs last and that you don't have your own individual identity. You don't have a life outside him. You need to develop your own interests.What are you passionate about? Do you have good friends? If you've pushed them aside for the relationship, you need to get back in contact asap and go on some girly nights out. Take up a new hobby, do different things. Once your focus is not on him and on yourself, your behaviour should improve. But seriously you have to cut down on the constant contact asap like I outlined before.
I know you say you don't want to go to a therapist but you ought to see one at some stage. They can help you with this. Why do it alone? You need to be a whole person to have a good relationship instead of just half a person. Jane Fonda's autobiography is good as it describes how she kept trying to please all her husbands. With each husband, she took on a new persona because she thought that's what they wanted. But it wasn't who she was. I suspect your situation is similar.
Good Luck and Hope you take the advice!xx
What Guys Said 8
O.K., yes, he does want to sleep with other girls. If you really, really, really, like him -- why not share your girlfriends with him? You will make him very happy, he will stay with you, and you will learn to get over your insecurities. (Of course, this requires you to consider having more slutty friends --- would that be hard to do?)
My current girlfriend of 4 years was like this..BAD..but only after I had invested myself in to the relationship. I LOVE this girl but she almost pushed me away a few times..Now we're happily together in a healthy relationship but only AFTER she invested herslef in to changing and going to therapy and making it work. (she has something called borderlin personality disorder stemming from her mom committing suicide when she was a kid). She didn't realise any of this until I told her you have to change or I'm leaving and never coming back.
You said you can't see a therapist so I'll recommend educating yourself on some psychology. Lok online at some common ones such as borderline personality disorder, bipolar, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Get some books. Ask yourself if anything has happened in your past that could make it hard for you to trust men..or women..or whatever.
Find a hobby you like to do with other people. Hang out with your friends and realize that its ok for him to be doing the same thing! Ask yourself everyday if he loves you. If he does you don't have to check in every 30 minutes :)
Let me tell you it SUCKS to be the guy...To never do anything to break trust but never be trusted...
Hope this helps
You need to find something to keep yourself occupied, a hobby if you will. This will take your mind off wanting to be with him. If you seek your self belonging from him and solely him, and lost him, you will be in a world of hurt. It's natural to be jealous and want to spend time with the one you care about and I am the same way. I should actually state that I use to be really clingy but you either get over it or people will think you are crazy and you do have a stronger possibility of being dumped; harsh, but it is the truth. Don't invade his personal territory but you are allowed to inquire. Try toning calls down to when you want to do something or three a day and let him call you for a change because he most likely is rolling his eyes when you call him several times to see what he is doing. ***If you don't trust him then you should NOT be with him!*** I have found that when I distrust someone it makes my life a living hell. Basically, I know it is hard but you need to calm down and tone it way back and know that there are several of us, me included, that have been in your shoes and I would almost bet money that if you continue and get worse with your actions you will lose him and go down in his history as that crazy girl. Talk to him, let him know you that you are aware of your issue and want to correct it because he means a lot, tone your frequencies down, find something else to do with friends or whatever, and just wait it out.
I wish you the up most luck and again, I have been there and know what can come of it.
That takes a lot of... 'balls' to admit. Try to stop being so emotionally invested in the relationship. View it as fun and not a mission; concentrate on having fun and not how it is going to end. I'm not saying you don't know this, but it is a HUGE emotional-drag being clingy, obsessive, needy and all of the other characteristics you mentioned. If you pounce on him, he's going to want to jump back. An ex of mine went through my things once and it was over in a week.
Understand doing material things; external pleasures, like: cooking, laundry, gifts, etc. are GREAT - but they are not the base of a relationship. What people notice most is how they are treated and how the other person feels about them. If you keep conveying that he is not trustworthy, he just might get sick of it and leave.
A therapist would be a sketchy situation if you want to get out of this behavior fast, it takes years for us to break it down. Follow any good advice you can and stay consistant with it. It is a lot easier to change your thought process and control your emotions than you may think it is. Good luck.
He's been with you for TWO whole years?
You should get into therapy with a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist, they can't prescribe medication.
Your self-esteem seems to be at rock-bottom.
You have cell phones but no psychologists?
Well, given the no therapist constraint, you'll have to resort to self-help.
There may be books at the local library. The web may have answers, too.
For self help, here's a suggestion:
Ask yourself some questions.
Has he ever given you cause to doubt him?
Don't try to fix yourself all at once!
Work on one thing at a time.
Make a list and put it in priority order, then go from top to bottom.
Hope this helps. We're not all perfect by any means!
What Girls Said 16
well, your really lucky you have a guy that could tolerate such a clingy girlfriend. So appreciate that! uhmm, I think you need to give him some space before you become too much for him! you need to realize that he only has eyes for you! if he wanted to cheat on you, he wouldve broken up with you for those "other girls" you think he is seeing behind your back! Just try to be less paranoid.. I'm not telling you, you need help or anything but you seem like a persistant person. the same traits as a stalker---yea, not good. so what you should do is, have some time to sit down with him and talk to him about how you feel. Go to him with alll the unanswered and curious questions you have and see where that leads you. ok good luck hun! hope you listen to my advice
The way you make any change is by first believing that you can and then secondly, doing it. Develop your own hobbies. Make new friends. Find excuses to get what you need socially in more places as opposed to just one, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone and it's not healthy for you. Your happiness isn't solely dependent on one person, find happiness within yourself and find ways to discover who you are and find what you need.
girl. stop throwing yourself out there.
You´re a sexy, intelligent, confident woman (tell yourself that all the time. ALL THE TIME okay?) who isn't dependant on a man and you love the guy, but you wanna show him how confident and sexy you are. its in mens nature to chase a girl, so be chased, and don't be worried he's gona chase others because you follow him around. that wouldn't make sense, hope I could help
First you have to understand where this comes from. Sounds like you have abandonment issues. This is truly why you're clingy. It's gonna' take time. The good thing is you recognize there's an issue there. You stated that your boyfriend is very supportive and that's great, but I'm sure it bothers him you don't trust him. You have to catch yourself in the act, and find things that are positive to do, think, etc...
Look he's going to have female friends. You just have to braces yourself, Just tell your self he is with me he isn't going to go be with some one else. Cause to be perfectly honest you can't fix the way you are right away. You are just going to have to explore trusting him and not blowing up his phone. Just because you didn't call him or text him doesn't mean he doesn't have you in his mind. Besides don't you know absence makes the heart grow fonder.
If you haven't already expressed your apprehensions about being away, tell him. The bottom line is that most people don't like being too smothered or overcome by another person. Sometimes, it's a good thing, when two people are in love, and they don't want to leave each others side, that's okay, but it doesn't seem like that's your situation going on right now. It does sound like your being too obsessive, and it's good that you know that. You need to now stop yourself from snooping or getting to jealous over female friends when you feel it coming on. Me and my boyfriend have always made it clear that when your in a (long term) relationship you don't invest meaningful time in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, yeah, you can talk to them but when it comes to talking on the phone with them and texting them all the time, that's no good. Tell him that. Let him live his life, and live your own life. Don't put him in the center of your world and have everything you do revolve around him because if it ends you'll be empty. Focus on different things, hang out with YOUR friends etc. It'll get easier ;)
omg.. you know your problem. SO STOP IT>>>> Men like the chase and if you are to self-giving, he gets bored.. let him text you or call you first.. Besides the feeling is amazing when you see his name in your inbox, knowing he thought of you first. And 2 months of relationship is too early for marriage.. its no wonder he gets scared... COme on, if he is friends with girls, you should be proud.. so many girls out there, will look up to you in respect and not only that you can enjoy the feeling of being the one he choses above them all. If you are too clingy you lose all these feelings.. and one day you will feel as if you never received anything from him.. BEsides guys like girls with confidence.. and the ability to trust.. so trust him... GOos luck!
well you sound much insecure.if you two been together for 2 years he shouldn't be messing around with other girls.I think you sould just trust him because he's been tolerating with you for 2 years and he never left you.My opinion is if you keep on acting like that he would probably someday leave you because trust is the #1 thing in a relationship.If theirs no trust theirs no relationship
I wouldn't say that you're so much as clingy, but more insecure. You say you're afraid that if you give him any sort of freedom that he's going to chase after another girl? Well, if that is what he wanted he could've done that despite your efforts to keep tabs on him. The fact he's been with you for 2 years and hasn't speaks volumes and you should be assured in that he cares about you. Put some trust into him. I think that's the real issue. You don't seem to trust him enough. You can't control his actions and you just have to trust that he'll make the right choices. That's the scary part of being in a serious relationship. But it seems you two have good communication, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just try to let go a bit and not keep such a short leash on your guy. There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with the person you love. But take some time for you too. You need to trust your boyfriend more because if he can put up with this 2 years, then you really don't have anything to worry about.
First of all, let's call a spade a spade. You're not just clingy. You're pathologically jealous. And if you don't get it under control, you risk making your worst fears come true and driving the guy you love straight into the arms of another woman. However, you're to be congratulated on the fact that you have the maturity to realize that the lack of trust is a problem. You've made the first step, which is realizing that there is a problem here that you need to deal with. well done-that takes guts!
The first thing you need to do is to realize that mistrust and jealousy, if allowed to grow and fester, will destroy your relationship far more certainly than the off-chance that your boyfriend *might* cheat. This is a big and dangerous problem for your relationship. Therefore, it's of paramount importance that you try to conquer your feelings of insecurity, and endeavour to get to the bottom of why you feel this way. Have you had bad experiences in the past with fidelity? Or bad role-models? Why is marriage so important to you that you can't just sit back and enjoy what you do have - a lovely relationship with a good and patient man? Think carefully about the patterns of thought and behaviour that have led you to this point. By understanding them, you can conquer them and start to move on.
Then you need to work every day to improve the way you feel. First of all, draw a line. Tell yourself that you are going to stop checking his texts and his email. It's NOT healthy and it's an invasion of his privacy, destroying any chance of trust between you. Secondly, try to correct your jealous feelings. I have struggled with feelings of insecurity and jealousy myself in the past, so I know how strong they can be, even when you KNOW for a fact that they're irrational. One thing that helps me is to get a piece of paper On one side, I write down all the crazy fears I have - without diluting them. Then on the other side, I write down a sane, rational version that is in proportion to the situation. So, for instance, on one side I might put 'Boyfriend arranged for us to go out with his ex for dinner - oh no! What if he still loves her?' and on the other side I'll write 'He said they argued all the time and couldn't get along at all. And anyway, they dated ages ago! And he constantly says how much he loves me'. You have to keep persisting with it when you feel insecure, but in the end, the process of 'correcting' the thought that's out of proportion becomes automatic, and you will hopefully find more security and peace.
The only way to stop is to be confident and increase your self-esteem.
You are probably suffering from low self-esteem.
Let me tell you a few things that might make you feel confident in your relationship with him.
First of all, he's been with you for two years. There is obviously a reason for that, and that is because he loves you. Know that.
Second, he cares about you. He wants to help you overcome this problem. If he didn't love you and care for you, he would have left you by now. Nobody likes to be with someone who investigates their phones and be super clingy, unless they really care about you and love you.
Thirdly, he shows appreciation. Many men I've known are incapable of doing so. The fact that you know he appreciates you is a sign that he loves you. You have to know that.
You mentioned that you give him gifts all the time. But the best gift you can give him right now in this relationship is trust. Without trust, there's nothing. You love him but you can't trust him? Know that he loves you and give him a chance. If you are confident about yourself, then you won't have to worry about him chasing girls or girls chasing him. And you will be able to trust him.
Girls all over the world are in the same situation like you. There are lots of beautiful girls out there, and it might make you feel intimidated or threatened. But you are beautiful in your own way, and he's with you for a reason. Tell yourself that every day, and you won't need a therapist, trust me.
And stop investigating his phone. He's entitled to his privacy. And by doing that and not trusting him, you are hurting the man you love. Is that really what you want to do? Is that really the type of person you want to continue being?