How to stop being clingy

Hi, I have a problem. I am very clingy. I am obsessive, needy and clingy.

I have been dating someone for two years, and for the first time, we had a long talk about it, and he is willing to help me overcome it.

I hate staying away from him because I get scared that if he has free time he would want to chase girls. I call him at least five times daily, and text at least ten times.

I send him airtime once his own runs out so I can always keep tabs on him. Am not so bad, I cook, wash his clothes, give him gifts all the time, help him with work, and all that and he appreciates it.

Also, I investigate his phone, check his mails, to be sure that he is not cheating or getting friendly woth girls.

I also started pressurising him for marriage after two monts of the relationship, and he gets sooo scared when I bring up the marriage topic again.

Anyway, I want to change, but its so hard. The moment I hear he has a female friend, my heart

starts beating fast!

He has been understanding, but I don't like the way I am. I want to change. I need ideas, things I can do to stop me from being clingy!

Please I need help. Don't tell me to see a therapist, we don't have any where I live in africa


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Most Helpful Girl

  • The guy sounds like he really cares about you so you're lucky. A lot of guys would just stop calling.

    Ok you need to

    1) Not call him during the day. AT ALL. Surely he's at work/college? And wouldn't you see him regularly anyway?

    2) Cut down your text to one per day. I might sound harsh but this is a reasonable amount. Personally I find it baffling-what do you talk about when you do see each other after being in contact so much? Do you not think a bit of absence can be exciting? And that when you see them again, its more passionate than if you see them all the time?

    3) STOP checking his emails. Do you hack into his account?

    4) Don't give him airtime and most importantly STOP keeping tabs on him! You're acting really paranoid. Do you have any reason to be suspicious?

    He deserves to have a life of his own. Separate from you. His own work/college, his own hobbies, his own sets of friends etc. You're suffocating him. If you're not careful you will push him away. Being needy is very unattractive.

    Ok lecture over.

    You're suffering from co-dependency. Look up the book "Co-dependency No More" on Amazon. It'll explain it to you. It's surprisingly common so you're not the only one. Basically it means that you're so focused on your boyfriend that you put his needs first, your needs last and that you don't have your own individual identity. You don't have a life outside him. You need to develop your own interests.What are you passionate about? Do you have good friends? If you've pushed them aside for the relationship, you need to get back in contact asap and go on some girly nights out. Take up a new hobby, do different things. Once your focus is not on him and on yourself, your behaviour should improve. But seriously you have to cut down on the constant contact asap like I outlined before.

    I know you say you don't want to go to a therapist but you ought to see one at some stage. They can help you with this. Why do it alone? You need to be a whole person to have a good relationship instead of just half a person. Jane Fonda's autobiography is good as it describes how she kept trying to please all her husbands. With each husband, she took on a new persona because she thought that's what they wanted. But it wasn't who she was. I suspect your situation is similar.

    Good Luck and Hope you take the advice!xx

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    • You saved my life. I never knew I was codependent. the lord used you to change my life

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What Guys Said 8

  • He's been with you for TWO whole years?

    You should get into therapy with a psychiatrist. Not a psychologist, they can't prescribe medication.

    Your self-esteem seems to be at rock-bottom.

    You have cell phones but no psychologists?

    Well, given the no therapist constraint, you'll have to resort to self-help.

    There may be books at the local library. The web may have answers, too.

    For self help, here's a suggestion:

    Ask yourself some questions.

    Has he ever given you cause to doubt him?

    Don't try to fix yourself all at once!

    Work on one thing at a time.

    Make a list and put it in priority order, then go from top to bottom.

    Hope this helps. We're not all perfect by any means!

    Ted

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  • You need to find something to keep yourself occupied, a hobby if you will. This will take your mind off wanting to be with him. If you seek your self belonging from him and solely him, and lost him, you will be in a world of hurt. It's natural to be jealous and want to spend time with the one you care about and I am the same way. I should actually state that I use to be really clingy but you either get over it or people will think you are crazy and you do have a stronger possibility of being dumped; harsh, but it is the truth. Don't invade his personal territory but you are allowed to inquire. Try toning calls down to when you want to do something or three a day and let him call you for a change because he most likely is rolling his eyes when you call him several times to see what he is doing. ***If you don't trust him then you should NOT be with him!*** I have found that when I distrust someone it makes my life a living hell. Basically, I know it is hard but you need to calm down and tone it way back and know that there are several of us, me included, that have been in your shoes and I would almost bet money that if you continue and get worse with your actions you will lose him and go down in his history as that crazy girl. Talk to him, let him know you that you are aware of your issue and want to correct it because he means a lot, tone your frequencies down, find something else to do with friends or whatever, and just wait it out.

    I wish you the up most luck and again, I have been there and know what can come of it.

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  • My current girlfriend of 4 years was like this..BAD..but only after I had invested myself in to the relationship. I LOVE this girl but she almost pushed me away a few times..Now we're happily together in a healthy relationship but only AFTER she invested herslef in to changing and going to therapy and making it work. (she has something called borderlin personality disorder stemming from her mom committing suicide when she was a kid). She didn't realise any of this until I told her you have to change or I'm leaving and never coming back.

    You said you can't see a therapist so I'll recommend educating yourself on some psychology. Lok online at some common ones such as borderline personality disorder, bipolar, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Get some books. Ask yourself if anything has happened in your past that could make it hard for you to trust men..or women..or whatever.

    Find a hobby you like to do with other people. Hang out with your friends and realize that its ok for him to be doing the same thing! Ask yourself everyday if he loves you. If he does you don't have to check in every 30 minutes :)

    Let me tell you it SUCKS to be the guy...To never do anything to break trust but never be trusted...

    Hope this helps

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  • That takes a lot of... 'balls' to admit. Try to stop being so emotionally invested in the relationship. View it as fun and not a mission; concentrate on having fun and not how it is going to end. I'm not saying you don't know this, but it is a HUGE emotional-drag being clingy, obsessive, needy and all of the other characteristics you mentioned. If you pounce on him, he's going to want to jump back. An ex of mine went through my things once and it was over in a week.

    Understand doing material things; external pleasures, like: cooking, laundry, gifts, etc. are GREAT - but they are not the base of a relationship. What people notice most is how they are treated and how the other person feels about them. If you keep conveying that he is not trustworthy, he just might get sick of it and leave.

    A therapist would be a sketchy situation if you want to get out of this behavior fast, it takes years for us to break it down. Follow any good advice you can and stay consistant with it. It is a lot easier to change your thought process and control your emotions than you may think it is. Good luck.

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  • dont know why but for some reason I like the clingy ones.

    makes me feel appreciated.

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What Girls Said 17

  • First of all, let's call a spade a spade. You're not just clingy. You're pathologically jealous. And if you don't get it under control, you risk making your worst fears come true and driving the guy you love straight into the arms of another woman. However, you're to be congratulated on the fact that you have the maturity to realize that the lack of trust is a problem. You've made the first step, which is realizing that there is a problem here that you need to deal with. well done-that takes guts!

    The first thing you need to do is to realize that mistrust and jealousy, if allowed to grow and fester, will destroy your relationship far more certainly than the off-chance that your boyfriend *might* cheat. This is a big and dangerous problem for your relationship. Therefore, it's of paramount importance that you try to conquer your feelings of insecurity, and endeavour to get to the bottom of why you feel this way. Have you had bad experiences in the past with fidelity? Or bad role-models? Why is marriage so important to you that you can't just sit back and enjoy what you do have - a lovely relationship with a good and patient man? Think carefully about the patterns of thought and behaviour that have led you to this point. By understanding them, you can conquer them and start to move on.

    Then you need to work every day to improve the way you feel. First of all, draw a line. Tell yourself that you are going to stop checking his texts and his email. It's NOT healthy and it's an invasion of his privacy, destroying any chance of trust between you. Secondly, try to correct your jealous feelings. I have struggled with feelings of insecurity and jealousy myself in the past, so I know how strong they can be, even when you KNOW for a fact that they're irrational. One thing that helps me is to get a piece of paper On one side, I write down all the crazy fears I have - without diluting them. Then on the other side, I write down a sane, rational version that is in proportion to the situation. So, for instance, on one side I might put 'Boyfriend arranged for us to go out with his ex for dinner - oh no! What if he still loves her?' and on the other side I'll write 'He said they argued all the time and couldn't get along at all. And anyway, they dated ages ago! And he constantly says how much he loves me'. You have to keep persisting with it when you feel insecure, but in the end, the process of 'correcting' the thought that's out of proportion becomes automatic, and you will hopefully find more security and peace.

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  • well, when you're constantly calling him and texting him, you're making him want to bolt and run for his life. so whenever you think he's got free time and you're worried about him chasing girls, think about it this way, when you're clingy, it makes him want to run away.

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  • just if he says he wants to talk to you at some time, stay busy until that time and don't contact him. relationships involve trust :).

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  • The way you make any change is by first believing that you can and then secondly, doing it. Develop your own hobbies. Make new friends. Find excuses to get what you need socially in more places as opposed to just one, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone and it's not healthy for you. Your happiness isn't solely dependent on one person, find happiness within yourself and find ways to discover who you are and find what you need.

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  • well, your really lucky you have a guy that could tolerate such a clingy girlfriend. So appreciate that! uhmm, I think you need to give him some space before you become too much for him! you need to realize that he only has eyes for you! if he wanted to cheat on you, he wouldve broken up with you for those "other girls" you think he is seeing behind your back! Just try to be less paranoid.. I'm not telling you, you need help or anything but you seem like a persistant person. the same traits as a stalker---yea, not good. so what you should do is, have some time to sit down with him and talk to him about how you feel. Go to him with alll the unanswered and curious questions you have and see where that leads you. ok good luck hun! hope you listen to my advice

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