How NOT to feel insecure?

The story is a bit complicated but maybe common and I probably overanalyzed the whole thing.

I started being with this guy about a month ago. There have been many sweet things; we cook for each other exotic food from time to time, help each other on random issues and problems, etc.

I should feel happy for often than feeling insecure, but somehow I just keep analyzing this and that and feel insecure a lot. For example, a couple of days ago, I was at his place watching a movie, he invited a very close female friend (let's call her AA) of his to his place to have pizza with him. She was already drunk when she got there and after eating she was lying in his bed in her super mini skirt that you could literally see her panties, whereas I was also in his room watching that movie. She has problems with her long distance boyfriend and she's been telling stuff about her relationship issues to my bf.anyway they're just good friends in conclusion.

Yesterday he and I were supposed to go out to a movie, and he wanted to invite AA, and asked me if I was ok with it. I said "it's up to you" and he said, "you should say "sure/ok", and I said "if I said sure/ok I would be lying, so it's up to you". Eventually we didn't go to the movies; we went to an Indian restaurant instead. During dinner AA called and he hung up on her, and later she sent him a text message. I didn't see it, but he just started telling me how much he cares about his friends and how much he would defend for his friends. So I said, "if I were lying in RR's bed (his roommate) in a super mini skirt that you could totally see my panties, how would you feel?" He said he could understand that and she was just like that all the time, and he told me the story about how they met and how nice she is actually. He also had mentioned me to AA and she told him not to play with me, etc; actually he has mentioned me to all his friends, as whenever I meet a friend of his, they're always like, "yeah I know you."

So, I have every reason not to feel insecure right? I am confident about who I am; I am successful (22-year-old professional) and smart, good looking, but I've had plenty of relationship issues in the past. I've been with many men (about 10) and each time I was badly hurt, even though I have never had sex with any of them (but you actually get more vulnerable from just being intimate). After the 10th guy in my life, I swore to myself that I will not get hurt again; I promised myself that I am not going to find someone who's so popular among women to hurt myself again. But it seems like this guy is also very popular among women and he would do whatever to defend his friends.

I am so afraid of getting hurt. I hope this is just me being paranoid that something wrong will not actually happen. I need some answers. Thanks.


Most Helpful Guy

  • It is OK for a guy to have a girlfriend and a friend who is also a girl. And not all girlfriends of such guys should be suspicious of a friendship like this. But something in your situation gives you a bad vibe about your current boyfriend and this girl AA.

    Imagine your boyfriend to be loyal and honest to you; that is his actions along with his words are always sincere. Then you would be perfectly OK with his deep friendship with AA. Because not only will he be honest and open to you, but he would tell you exactly what is going on with her for the sole purpose of removing your suspicions. He would tell you at least about some of the conversations he has with her. Also if that were the case, AA could very well become a good friend of yours too, because one means of being open and honest would be to include you directly in their conversations such that it is impossible to hide anything and you would have no bad vibes whatsoever. And not only that, but AA would be polite to you because she hangs out with you just as much as she hangs out with him. But unfortunately this is not the case.

    Your boyfriend hides a few things about AA. It is natural in this situation for you to be suspicious. In fact I know how to have a friendship with a girl and not give her boyfriend bad vibes (this is not your situation, but it’s close enough). My friendships with girls are not covert friendships like your boyfriend’s and AA’s. One of my friends, who is a girl, has a boyfriend and she introduced me to her boyfriend and he totally trusts me and he gets no bad vibes. That’s because our friendship is close, but nothing more. So I know how to make people feel comfortable and relaxing in my company. They have invited me at times to be the third wheel on a date (they of course wouldn’t do this on every date). The simple trick is to act genuine and not to hide anything, and to be polite and to have good manners. Your boyfriend either doesn’t know this or he might have something to hide in particular.

    So my general advice is you can’t just make yourself feel secure and trusting of your boyfriend in your situation. If you did feel secure, then it would occur naturally and your boyfriend would know how to gain your trust and he would know exactly how to eliminate your suspicion. The fact that he doesn’t do this means that he is at least a douchbag and doesn’t have manners. The fact that AA tells your boyfriend not to play with you means that AA doesn’t like you. And it sounds like your boyfriend’s friends are rude to you. If your boyfriend was sincere then you would not be afraid and he would introduce you to his friends politely and they would also be polite. Naturally you are seeing some form of a pattern behavior in your current boyfriend and his friends. Rudeness is always a pattern. The fact that his friends are rude to you is one reason why you are suspicious. This seemingly subtle issue may not be subtle at all.

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      Hmm what she meant by "not playing with me" means that he shouldn't play with my feelings...Could you explain how that appears to be rude?

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      At least your boyfriend's friends who address you as "yeah I know" are rude. About AA, I misinterpreted what you first meant by "stop playing with me." The word "feelings" should have been written there. AA may be a nice girl if she said "stop playing with your feelings" to your boyfriend.

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      I see...Hmm. Thanks!