Hi, I've been with my girlfriend for a few months now, and after listen to the things she says, and how she acts, I've been wondering if she is sad on the inside, and if so, what I can do to help.
Anyways, a summary of what she has told me/acts around me:
She told me that when she was younger, she was always the "sad and lonely girl" that would cry everyday she came home from school, because she had no close friends, no guys ever asked her out, and her one crush treated her like crap. In high school, she said she was a much happier person, because she had a boyfriend, but still hated school. Now that high school is long over; her first boyfriend lied and cheated on her, and her subsequent boyfriends turned out to treat her like crap.
She claims that she "transformed" in high school, and I would say that by her looks and clothing, she did. Despite what she said, I think she was beautiful even back in the days when guys said she was ugly.
Now to our relationship, she says I am the greatest person to ever come into her life, and she loves me very much (she claims she is severely attached to me). She claims that I am better than any boyfriend she has ever had in the past, especially at how I remember her. She admits she would do anything to spend time with me, and she enjoys everything that I do for/with her. And when I have to leave on business trips, she breaks down in tears and hugs me tightly, once saying that she loves me and told me not to leave her (I have no intention of doing so). She also tells me how she absolutely loves to cuddle and snuggle with me, and there isn't anything in the world that she would want to do more.
As for her life, she just recently got a job, but she often stays at home and watches TV alone when she's not working. She "occasionally" hangs out with friends, and often hangs out with family. Compared to her childhood, her parents now vacation without her. However, she at least seems like she is happy and everything around her sister and sister's children (my girlfriend loves children).
So after reading this, what do you think? Personally, I believe that despite what she claims about having transformed, I gather that she is still a sad and lonely person on the inside. If so, what can I do to help her, or am I already doing it?
Honestly, I think you're feeding her insecurities by saying it's a-ok when she's really not. We girls get dependent if you let us. She seems to be in the process of "finding herself" but not knowing how... but she is getting there, because people will take a good look at their lives when they're at their lowest point and reassess. I know because I did this back when I was 17 and on the verge of not graduating hs. I started focusing on myself more, because once you learn to love yourself then you can start learning to love others. Now I am the happiest and nicest 20-yr old you will ever find. I'm attending a university and applying to a pharmacy school soon... and my life cannot be any sweeter.
When I was trying to "find myself," my boyfriend left me alone for a couple days and told me I was smart enough to know what I should do. Lol and that's obvious, because only the PERSON knows what is actually wrong and to find ways to SOLVE them.
I was failing my honor classes, so what did I have to do to graduate? Put in the effort every night to go to adult school - and I graduated hs on time. I was broke because I went out so much - so I spent more time working instead of going out to save money. My parents were always mad at me - I swallowed my pride and apologized for my rebellious nature.
You have a problem.. you find a solution. Easy as that.
If she likes kids... get a tutoring job or whatever, maybe she will find her passion. That's sad that her parents vacation without her; tell her to come visit them more often and patch up the bond (bc there is no greater bond than family). You get the idea. Hope it helps..
She wanted to know that somebody unconditionally loved her... .that is why she is so attached to you... but it is not safe to be that attached when if you two didn't work out she would threaten to kill herself you know... I think she probably just loves to have someone finally there to hold her and love her,... that is natural when you had been through alot... I used to be like that myself. the exact same thing happened to me the exact same life style was mine... I got out of it just by having someone like you there for me... but also if that doesn;'t seem to be working then maybe she should talk to a counciler... it sounds like she has abondment issues...
Even when we move on from the past, it still hurts. The things people do to us, such as the cheating guys with your girlfriend, is something that sticks with us forever, even when we get over it. It will always be there. I wouldn't say she's depressed, but the memories might still hurt her. It's a great sign that she is telling you these things though. It means that she feels comfortable with you and trust you a lot. Listening to her, is helping her. I think you are doing a great job at helping her, everything you're doing shows that you care. Keep that up and I'm sure things will be great.
Aww that is so sweet that you're concerned! Everything that she is so saddened about is from her past-she needs to move on, her hero has arrived and she should be happy-instead of throwing herself pitty parties. I had a similar experence in high school-and when I got a Boyfriend I said the same things to him, but then I realized him seeing me like that was dragging him down too and makin him sad-so I quit.
You are already doing everyting you need to do-if you start doing extra things to convince her-then one day stop doing those things-she will become paranoid. So just be yourself. I'm surprised that her needyness hasn't turned you off...but then again, it's good to be needed
i kinda feel like my life is forming out the way hers did. I mean I mask it with a bubly optomistic personalit but I've got that stuff underneath. I'm 16now and I used to be kida chubby but I've gotten taller and thinned out and my face I clear, it was horrible in middle school, guys acutally think I'm pretty now. they used to think I was really ugly. sometimes I still feel the old emotions of years past. its hard to get rid of the those feelings.
if there's anything I woudl wish for the most would be a guy who loves me the way you do for your girlfriend. its really sweet that you care for her so much.There's really nothing more you can do for her but tell her you love her and she's beautiful. just don't break her heart or treat her like crap and you're good
Just talk to her and ask her about how she is feeling. Tell her that you have been concerned about her lately and just wanted to know where she is at in terms of her emotions. If she admits that she is depressed/denies it but you have a feeling that she is, get her help asap. The sooner she gets help the sooner she'll feel better and it will prevent the depression from escalating.
It sounds like she has abandonment issues ie she fears that you're going to leave her so she gets very clingy. She strikes me as co-dependent. It basically means that she is living through you-she finds meaning through things on the outside ie relationships instead of within. This doesn't sound like it causes problems but believe me, it does! You should google "co-dependency" or "Co-dependent No More" on amazon to see what I'm talking about.
I'm not sure if she's depressed but she has terminally low self-esteem. She suffered trauma in her childhood (not getting dates, not fitting in, guys thinking she was ugly etc) so these knocks have made her lose her confidence. But she can get it back.
Don't promise to help her. She'll see you as her saviour if you do and when you can't live up to your promise and save her, then she'll be full of resentment. I would honestly start establishing boundaries so that she stands on her own two feet. It sounds harsh but its really not-you'll be making her much more independent so that she doesn't constantly need your reassurance and can do her own thing more. Encourage her to take up hobbies, interests, go out with her friends. She needs to get her own interests and not have you as the centre of her life.
She thought that by changing her outside (her looks and clothes), that she could change her inside. But it doesn't work like this. A good therapist would really be able to help her heal her old wounds and gain confidence again. But I'm not sure if its your place to say this. Remember that she is not your responsibility. Don't let her burden you. Help her but make sure you have your lines drawn so that you have limits that she will respect. You can't "fix" her. Only she can do that. If you change your behaviour around her (throught the boundaries like I said), this will give her some incentive to be more independent especially if you're not around as much. It's for her own good honestly. Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't get the intended results-you can only do too much.
You have to be independent and so does she. If she gets clingy, just say that you trust her and that your loyalty lies with her so she needs to trust you too. She can't keep saying "dont leave me" as this is just not healthy. You need your own life so make sure that you have it.
One thing I thought of is, is that you say she's around her sister's kids, and she loves kids, so she might look back at her childhood and hope that when she has a child, the child doesn't go through the same things. Something like that might be in the back of her mind, and stresses her out from time to time, never know.
But you sound like a breathe of fresh air for this girl compared to her past. So, keep doing what you're doing, lol. I think she may focus on "the worst-case-scenario" on a lot of things, a little more than she needs to. Like, when she's faced with a situation, she starts thinking of all the "what if's?" And that you can talking to her, make suggestions, things like that.