Girlfriend too distant?

Hey everyone,

I am in a relationship now and it's really doing great. We see each other pretty often and I have no doubt that she has feelings for me and I get enough proof of that when I am with her.

However, when we're not together, I find her to be pretty distant with me. She doesn't text me or call me, she doesn't reply when I write something on Facebook, when someone asked her a question about her relationship on Facebook she didn't answer, she didn't tell her friends about me... Last week-end when we were together she said if she had a party she would call me and we could go together. The next day I see her friend uploaded pictures of the party on Facebook and she was there. When I talked about it, she said she didn't call me because she didn't have enough battery in her cellphone (then why didn't she borrowed a friend's cellphone... ?). We're in the same club on campus and they are going to the zoo on Friday. For some reason I wasn't invited but she was, but everybody is allowed to bring guests and I saw she confirmed that she would go but didn't even talk to me about it. I feel like I'm doing a lot of efforts to be close and that she doesn't really do the same for me, and yet she often says she missed me. Is it my fault that I want to be closer and see her more, do more stuff together? Am I wrong to feel the way I do?


Most Helpful Guy

  • wow, good question. Thank you for the detail. Sounds like you want her to be as proud of having you as boyfriend as you are to have her (though it does not say if you are technically bf/gf. Does her profile on facebook say that she is "in a relationship" or "in a relationship with you"? That is the first question. Why are you looking at the interactions between her and her friends? I know it pops up on your "quick view' when you log in, but you should avoid "checking up on her". You do sound like you need to let go a little though. Make sure you give her enough space to actually "miss you". When you crowd someone in a relationship, they will seek any opportunity to get away from you for a little bit. If you are ALWAYS around, she may feel smothered (in which case, you won't have a girlfriend for long). Relax, make more "guys nights out" and post your pics on your facebook. Let her see the good time you can have without her, and she may start wanting to do more things with you. If she feels that you always latch on to her good times, she may seek more alone time. Does this make sense?

    • We are marked as in a relationship with each other on FB, but I initiated it. I know that with my ex, I was being too clingy because she wanted me to be around and it was my first relationship, so I started being always around and it became too much I guess. I'm trying to give my new girlfriend some space but like you said, I would just like her to show more signs that she is proud to be with me. I do not have that many guy friends, I pretty much have one best friend and that's all lol

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    • Yeah but I hate playing games lol. I'm a guy who usually focus way more attention on his couple than his friendships, I don't need to see my friends all the time, but I do need to see my girlfriend as often as possible. That's the way I am, and I would like us to be comfortable enough that I can be that way without her thinking that I'm a loser just because she's my priority. I kind of trusted my ex on this and in the end when she broke up I felt like I wasn't worth anything so I hate this...

    • Let me put it this way. would you be happier to see her if she hung out with you once week than you would be if she never left? The answer is yes, because you would FINALLY be spending time with her. You are not playing games by making yourself scarce, you're increasing the demand. No one wants to pet a dog that never leaves them alone. in a nut shell: if she feels you're too clingy, she won't even be your girlfriend for long. Everyone loves some space, you may need less than others, but she is not you

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What Girls Said 2

  • It's definitely not your fault for wanting to spend time with her, but it sounds like she wants some distance. You should watch out for that, though. While it's a good thing that she wants to maintain her life outside of a relationship with you (that's really important for any relationship in the long run), if she doesn't include you in everything or even tell you about what's going on, there's seems to be something going on. For now, though, I would say go with the flow and don't worry too much about it. Give her and yourself a little bit of space. Your relationship is still fresh, and there's plenty of room for it to grow.

  • It sounds to me like she's playing hard to get or she's being a bitch lol do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel like this? Be a bit more tough and tell her that your unhappy with the situation because you don't want to end up with someone who isn't affectionate and loving. I feel really sorry for you but you have to be brave :)


What Guys Said 3

  • I am in a similar situation -- obviously we can all agree that something like this is universal. It's the typical push/pull theory. The more you pull her close to you, the more she'll push bad. It's having too much of anything -- you can put the best tasting food in the world in front of anyone, but if they eat it too much, they'll under value it and crave other foods down the line. You have to know when to give and when to take.

    I've in a long distant relationship right now. I'm the type of guy that has 95% girls as friends and I think it's bugging her out some. That's my assumption. In no way would I cheat and infact I've recently paid for half her ticket to come see me. So, yeah I'm a good guy -- doesn't change the laws of human nature -- jealous. She's got this pride thing I'm assuming and he's not telling me it bothers her when a girl writes "XOXOXOX" on my fb wall -- that's stuff I can't help and in no way do I initiate it. I won't lie to you -- she's been playing "busy" and hasn't contacted me as much in the last week. So I have two options, to keep up her and make her feel better while at the same time shrinking my own value or give her space and let her come to me. It's not easy man -- we want to fix things that are broken ... even for a guy like myself, I want to send her all the lovey dovey stuff and try to make it be, but quite frankly, I've done this before to little to no success.

    You must just let her do her thing whatever that is. Don't get upset. Don't get jealous. Don't hound her. Be a reflection of her. She gives you love, give it back. She ignores you, do the same up to a point. Don't over do it. You don't want this to become more of a game than it already is, that won't help you or the relationship at all. Just be busy -- like my little dove says she is ;-)

    That's fine, fact is she has a luggage to lose if she plays too hard and honestly, as sh*tty as you may feel, it's natural and you're not the only guy to feel this anchor on your heart. She is not the only woman in the world -- seriously now.

    Dude trust me, I've done it all -- besides the ticket, I just sent her a big winnie the pooh because she got hurt two weeks ago. But you know, I can't keep pushing. Learn from me and listen to what I say -- I hope it works out for you and if not -- it was a valuable lesson.

    • Great advice, yeah I'll try and do that, be a reflection of her without overdoing it. Thanks a lot ;)

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    • What a mature and understanding approach. she's so lucky. you make the life sound so beautiful

    • "Be a reflection of her." This is the best advice for relationships that anyone could ever give.

  • Not at all bro. You deserve respect, and a partner that reciprocates the affection you need to be happy. The way you described seems like she's ashamed of you as her boyfriend. Cut that string she's running you on brother, there are plenty of fish in the sea!

  • Fuck that bitch, there will be more and she's clearly being a terrible bitch to you.