I know how you feel. I had 11 months of my ex boyfriend coming and going over whether we should get back together again. Every time he did it just further broke my heart and left me more damaged than before. I gave a half arsed attempt at no contact but then he'd suck me back in by texting/emailing/calling-often more than he did when we were in the relationship.
I held on, thinking it must only be a matter of time. Why would he spend so much time and effort talking to me if he didn't want me back?
Anyway, to cut a VERY long story short, he tried to get back together with me in January, I was over the moon everything was great and we started planning meeting up and doing things. Two weeks later, he'd changed his mind again. This time it was different, I wasn't totally upset. I was FURIOUS. I'd wasted almost a YEAR of my life waiting for him to come to his senses and in that period had become a person who bore no relation to the girl I was before. I wasn't even someone I liked- which as we all know 'you've got to love yourself first for someone to love you' blah blah blah.
At first I just waited for him to text me- but with a different angle than before, I didn't care if we got back together this time. And text me he did. Every day to every other day. At first I responded but then he'd been gone a week and I had no emotional reaction to our lack of contact. I deleted everything he'd ever sent me and I was SO relieved. It's only been a few weeks now, but he keeps texting me and I just keep on deleting them.
Anyway- if you got to the end of that you deserve a medal, but the point of that is he was my first love, I thought we were going to get married and have babies and all the fairytale stuff you associate with your first love. He treated me like sh*t and I STILL had my rose coloured glasses on. BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can't predict when, or how for you but it is there. You just have to come to the realisation on your own that you are worth better than him and all the pain he's put and is still putting you through.
If you need to talk at all feel free to IM me.