Does he really care? Am I being too clingy?
I'm in a long distance relationship with a guy I love very much. We've been together for about 8 months now but the past few months have been a nightmare. We've both changed for the worst: I used to suffer from severe depression as a child because of some trauma I went though. Being with him has somehow brought that depression and insecurity back. Basically I feel like he has made me weak because I always worry about him. We play video games together when we have time so we have something to do but I feel like he loves this one game more than he loves me. I know this sounds silly, but he pulls all-nighters playing it and he loves talking and joking around with friends he's made on it, and then he sleeps and leaves me alone all day. He even promised he'd be here when I woke up today but he isn't and I see that he was playing all night with the friends who he doesn't even know in real life. I feel like he has been disregarding me every time we play it. I've asked him if he was willing to stop the game for fear of our relationship but he outright refused to and started yelling at me. He even plays behind my back now, lies to me and keeps secrets because 'he doesn't want to bother with my reactions'. I know I'm probably being too needy but his behavior has made me insecure and anxious. He used to be a very calm and kind person and I felt like he truly loved me but now he's cold, distant and I've been crying daily. Whenever I start crying in front of him he throws a tantrum and screams at me. I've tried talking to him and getting him to understand that I can't just get through these feelings and I need his support but he just yells, he gives me advice like "Stop crying. Stop being like this. Stop being sad. Stop this and stop that." and he expects me to just be able to do that. I can't get over it and start being happy by command like some dog but he just screams at me for 'not listening'. Honestly I can't stand being like this anymore, I think about suicide daily but I'm too scared to go through with it. I know I should see a psychologist but I just can't. I know he still loves me deep down because he would have given up and dumped me a long time ago but it hurts so much when he screams at me for crying when I just need him to support me and be the gentle person he used to be. He says he screams because he cares about me and I'm just stressing him the way I am but I can't stop feeling worthless and better off dead. I'm sorry for wasting your time with this needlessly long wall of text but please give me some advice.
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