Bachelor party concerns? Am I being unreasonable?

I just got engaged to my (now) fiance last month. We aren't very far in the planning, but his best friend is a womanizer who is just itching to start planning the bachelor party. I have been to strip clubs before (with my fiance) and one time he went to one without me and I was upset about it. we made an agreement that we wouldn't go to strip clubs unless we went together.

I JUST KNOW that there is no way the best man will NOT have strippers, so I guess I'm just going to have to deal, but I have some things I'm not comfortable with.
1) no private stripper shows/strippers outside of a strip club
2) no touching the strippers/they can't touch him. no kissing, no fondling, no grinding on his dick. basically no lap dances of any kind.
3) also, this one isn't really a big deal, but one of my "bridesmaids" is my gay best friend from college. I'd sort of like him to be included in the bachelor party since he can't attend the bachelorette.

that's basically it. I've had lap dances before. they're undeniably sexual, and i would feel hugely disrespected if he was off engaging in sexual things before our wedding.

FYI my bachelorette will be a spa day, dinner at the steakhouse at the hotel, and an overnight sleepover in a guest suite. very tame.

Guys, what would your thoughts be on this?

Also, what do you think the odds are of the best man trying to coerce my fiance into doing something more? I trust him, but his best friend is a master manipulator and doesn't really believe in marriage (btw I HATE that he is the best man, but that's an issue for another day). Should i talk to the best man about it? we've known each other a long time (he's stayed with us quite a bit on our couch etc.) Or would that make me look like a controlling shrew.

Also, i would have NO problem if my fiance made requests of me for my bachelorette and set rules as well.
Do you think he'll be mad about me expecting him to not do the things that make me uncomfortable?

Updates:
so it seems like people think i need to be okay with him getting lap dances or I shouldn't be getting married at all. If he agrees not to get them, I 100% trust that he won't. But what if he wants one? that seems too disrespectful. I wouldn't do it.
is it really necessary to celebrate marrying me by having another naked woman grind all over him? is a $20 three minute dance for the idea of "freedom" really worth more than the bride's comfort feelings?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I hate to play devil's advocate but that best man is gonna try to convince him for sure. I have a relative who gets himself into this stuff and told me all the personal details. It gets real bad! If this guy's a womanizer like you said I'd say him having the party with him is just doomsday waiting to happen. There will be strippers, etc. This friend's gonna really mess things up for you. I'm not sure how you should go about it though.

    I personally find it all to be insanely disrespectful and it takes the point out of marrying. The whole "This is my last chance" thing is bullshit... especially in a country were divorces are given out like peanuts.

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    • he's the best man. i can't change that, but i really hate him. he's never been a true "friend" to the relationship. it will be hard enough for me to sit there and smile while he gives a fake toast about us. He doesn't even believe in marriage.

    • I don't think the best man can "mess things up for you" if your fiance doesn't let him

What Guys Said 9

  • What you are asking for is totally reasonable. Yes, I would be worried about the best man. I know the type. To him, the night is not complete without your fiancée getting some "per-marital" action! It depends on how much self control you husband to-be has. No doubt, the women will be hot, and they love to play with the husband to-be. It can be hard to remain faithful with that much social pressure plus a few drinks in you. You can only warn them so much before they start looking you as the "ol' ball and chain". The night of the party, I would have the gay friend be a spy. He will by the eyes and ears for you. I am sure you can trust him with keeping things in line.

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    • well if he cheats on me at the bachelor party, regardless of the reason, the wedding would be off. I trust him, but i'm not blind to the temptation and the influence of a pack of men led by the best man who will be egging him on to get "pre-marital" action. I didn't think about this when i said yes. i was excited about the life together. the best friend has tried to be a bad influence before, but my fiance has remained true. however, the intoxicating idea of the "last night of freedom" might prove to be too much.

    • edit: the wedding would be off and the relationship would be over

  • Good luck in trying to enforce your rules for a lifetime. In my job almost all the married guys I know go to strip clubs when out of town. These are white collar executives.

    I actually decline to go because I think its weird to want to be sexually aroused around a bunch of guys you work with. However, they are on it like white on rice every trip we are in Vegas or the like.

    I think at some point you have to trust him or not or make peace with the situation. If he's gone to them in the past - I don't think marriage will magically stop him. This is from experience.

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    • Whats up with the down vote? Its funny when you tell the truth. Seriously. I'm just reporting what the guys do at work in general. These guys are executives, milliionaires some of them with wives, kids the lot and their wives are pretty hot in some cases and still - they go to the strip clubs every trip out of town. Pretty sure they don't have the blessing of their wives on this. But they do it anyways...

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    • Ask how many of them would want their wives looking at male strippers.

    • LOL my bf wouldn't care. He's secure in knowing I won't engage in sexual activity with another guy

  • It sounds as if you need to find a middle ground between the two of you. I for one think that it may be a good idea to consider marriage counseling. This is if you feel threatened enough by outsider sources to deteriorate the relationship over time (this friend of his). I agree that strippers for some is disrespectful, but what does your fiance think? He may not even the same way as you do, or he may agree with you. Then together, you two can decide how to strategically set things up. To where his friend can't force such events to happen.
    If your guys's friend is that intrusive, and is truly going to cause issues in the long run. It may be in both of your interests to cut ties, and end the friendship. If you're this terrified of what may happen at a bachelor party. Wait until your married, your future husband and you hit a rough patch, and then that friend swoops in to try to cheer him up with strippies, and girls at the club. Just something to ponder about.

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  • Politely mention you'd prefer he not touch the strippers and they not touch him if it makes you that uncomfortable. One of two things will happen. If he truly loves you, hell abide by your requests, and there will be no touching. If he doesn't respect you, he will get touchy. Without respect, your marriage will fall apart anyways.
    Bottom line, you cannot fully control the bachelor party or really know what goes on. If you love and trust him, trust that he won't disrespect you.

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  • i think you should trust your Fiance. i mean he asked you to marry him he wants you to be the one who he spends the rest of his life with.. Dont worry about him he will make smart choices and you should trust him. im not saying that the strip club is okay.. i mean i think it is disrespectful but you can't control him you he is going to do what he wants to do.. but i wouldn't worry he is your fiance.

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    • so i shouldn't even mention it? i'm not comfortable with that. if i don't tell him what I'm not okay with, he can do whatever he wants and pull the "it's just a bachelor party, you didn't tell me not to" card.

      normal nights out with the guys are different. on those occasions, i do what you suggested. bachelor parties are different. he's going to be pushed as far as possible to be disrespectful to me and our relationship. that's kind of the point. i don't feel the need to even have a bachelorette, but i get that he needs to have one.

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    • i know that the best man will not let that happen. he'd kidnap him and take him anyway.

    • just talk to your fiance about it.. i mean you guys need to have open communication thats how relationships works.. so talk to him and you guys just talk about it

  • 3#

    Yeah, you should just forget about that right now. Your girlfriend isn't going along to the bachelor party if your fiance has any balls, lmao.

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    • did you read it? it's my best friend from college who is a gay MAN.

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    • haha nice. you're lovely.

    • pointing out the obvious.

  • ... i hate parties...

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  • Come on. It's his last chance to get some new pussy before he buckles down with you for the next however many years. Let him get it out of his system.

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    • You are saying it is okay for him to cheat on her. Unless they had an open relationship up to this point she will not be okay with it and by what I read I will say it was not an open relationship. You seem like the type that would be like it is okay to cheat no matter how it makes the other person feel.

  • My advice is to marry someone when you are mature enough to. If you worry about the little stuff this much your marriage will not last more than 3 years.

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    • to me, kissing, feeling up a stripper is cheating. cheating isn't little stuff in a marriage...

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    • Thanks! Nice deflecting there. Oh and nice going anon. I'm not surprised

    • Grow up

What Girls Said 10

  • The question is How much do you trust your fiancee and how much does he respect you? IT is NORMAL to have rules and boundaries in a relationship. These rules and boundaries vary from couple to couple and If you consider going to a strip club a form of cheating/an act of disrespect then your boyfriend should respect that. (apparently he knew before he proposed anyways)

    At the end of the day the best man can do whatever the fuck he wants, and suggest whatever he wants, but your fiance is the only person who has a commitment to you and your relationship. If you're afraid he's going to be so easily influenced then you may want to reconsider marriage, because this will only be the tip of the iceberg of influence from outside parties.

    If he's pissed that seeing/touching naked women before is wedding day is a problem for you, once again, you should reconsider marrying this guy.

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  • Lol the guys on here are so silly. You're not being unreasonable at all.

    Would your gay friend really want to go to a strip club though? If he does, then I don't see why you couldn't ask your hubbs to bring him with his friends. If he doesn't though, why not bring him to the spa with you? I've known a few guys who actually really wanted to go to a spa but didn't feel it was acceptable.

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  • Talk to him (your fiance) about it. Assuming you'd only marry someone who is trustworthy and respectful of you and your feelings, he will hear you out and oblige you.

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  • if you can't trust your dont get married

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    • i'm not comfortable with some "typical bachelor party" activities. how is that not trusting him. He won't know how i feel about it unless i tell him. What about this spelled out a lack of trust?

      I'm so sick of hearing blanket statements like this without actually engaging in any of the issues I raised.

      what do you want: "oh you're right, i don't want strippers rubbing on my fiance's dick, i should just not get married!!"

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    • cheating isn't okay by me. i won't marry a man who wants to cheat for his wedding celebration party. feeling up another woman is cheating. i've had lap dances. they feel up on you and make sure you feel up on them. my city is not one of those "don't touch" places. if that makes me a bullet, then fine. i guess only women who are okay with strippers are worthy.

    • This girl is an unknowledgable witch. Lol you wasted your time the minute you responded to this opinion

      Opinion owner: Learn the different between TRUST, and BOUNDARIES

  • It's understandable that that would make you uncomfortable. I would say don't talk to the best man because it might cause problems you know? Just talk to your fiance again and say how you're worried. I also don't see the point on celebrating your marriage with strippers lol not that I'm against my guy at a strip club but for before wedding celebration? Lol I don't get it

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  • So you trust him? Let him have fun with his friends, and don't make rules he is getting married I doubt he will touch anyone or matter fact think about it

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    • so if i trust him, i have to automatically be okay with him getting lap dances etc? i know for a fact that unless i say something, his friend will be buying him constant lap dances and pushing for private room action.

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    • what if he still wants one? In my opinion, a bachelor party isn't a last hurrah for freedom. He's been committed to me for two years. If he has physical contact with another woman to celebrate getting married, i find that incredibly disrespectful.

    • I would too! I understand your point of view, but still best is that you talk to him

  • I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him not to have strippers and it's definitely very normal to ask him not to have them touch him/him touch them. You're getting married, he should only be wanting you, so I don't see why he would have a problem with that either.

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  • The groomsmen in our wedding said they where going to a strip club (they was trying to piss me off, but it didn't work lol) I told them that it was okay. Granted our groomsmen aren't like your best man, I knew if my husband for some reason got out of hand they would've put a stop to it of they could and would've told me about it! For my husband he don't really care about that stuff and I knew that he wouldn't go for all the lap dances and stuff like that. I trust my husband if he goes to a strip club for something that he'll act like man that has a gf/wife at home. I know my husband loves me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me, he knows what my limits are and don't push them.

    I get you not wanting the lap dances and stuff and if he knows how you feel about he won't do it, or I would hope at least I don't know him so. He should love you enough that he don't even really care about that stuff, it should be more about him hanging out with his friends and having a good time before he ties the knot...it shouldn't really be about the strippers. I don't know if anything I said really make sense but I hope it does.

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  • Just close your eyes and look away. It's gonna happen.

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    • then i won't be there when he gets home.

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    • If your fiance can't control himself then I would have serious issues. You deserve a man who respects what you deserve

    • You really are supposed to be the most important person in his life. Don't do what I did and settle for less than that. I hated hearing this, and never believed it was supposed to be that way (for me? For anyone?) but it's true.

  • He won't be mad, he'll understand. I don't think your requests are unreasonable at all. I actually think they're pretty basic and your guy should already know not to do them Without you having to remind him

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