Arranged marriage... what to do?

I come from conservative old fashioned country and somewhat modern family (they will allow me some freedom in my future decision but not completely because of fear of society).

In near future I'll be trapped in whole this arranged marriage thing and blind dates.

Here most blind dates go this way:

-Girl and guy meet at home of girl
-In some cases they are allowed to talk alone for few minutes & sometimes they've to ask/talk to each other in front of family.
-Both families should like each other
-Girl likes guy (sometimes skip this stage... forced by family)
-Guy likes girl (guys are forced too... rarely but happens)
-If everything goes well then next thing both families will do is fixing date of engagement/marriage.

I'm not against arranged marriage, I'm totally fine with it. BUT imagine if marriage will happen this way. There is no way you can judge character in few minutes. It's possible that I get excellent first impression of girl but I can't marry just based on her first impression. Even after liking her on first meeting, mismatch is still very likely.

Some would say that if both have good first impression then try to talk with girl/be friends with girl/hangout together for few weeks to know each other better... but believe me that's never going to happen. The moment you say you like her you'll be fixed and if you propose idea of spending some time to know each other it's direct rejection by families, I've seen this happening with my friends and cousins.

This way of marriage is like getting a 'sex partner roommate' after few minutes of interview with permission of family.
Better option is staying single. I can stay single forever (Never had GF and never talked to a girl for more than a minute because of my shy nature).

I'm still very young >.<
Although I won't be in this situation this year but I'm already getting hints of it.

I don't know how to avoid it or how to say no... what is your opinion?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • dude you are the one to choose what is better for you.. not your family.. it might be against society's expectations that you decide to remain single but at least you will feel free (i guess you come from India)

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    • Yeah, I know. I tried to declare my decision not to marry someone randomly but whenever I try to say I can't say anything at all.
      LOL how did you guess? I guess you saw many questions like this :D

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    • Well, you can try to run away elsewhere. If you have sufficient resources, you can create your own life, away from this sort of pressure. I'm less and less surprised that so many indians migrated to the west (to the UK or France, etc.)

    • Yes so far plan is run away elsewhere. Gathering resources. If I'm lucky then I'm going to get a big job soon so it'll boost me. UK is my ideal place. I've so many friends (British and Indians too) there.

What Girls Said 3

  • Marriages are done also with families and between common cultures mostly. This quite makes sense. Well if we skip the logical part , marriage does not all consist of logics. We marry because we love the person. Is love enough? Of course not but you can't replace LOVE with anything. Seriously i can not do it. I am dreaming a love marriage. I can not imagine to marry a guy that i don't love. How will i live with that person? Strange just strange. Love strengthens us to endure the difficulties of life. What will strengthen us in your case?

    I met several man who got married with the arranged one. They all cheat their wife. It is unbelievable. You see What can a lack of love cost? Is there an exception? Why not? But rare.

    Do you want to the hold responsibility of your life or do you want to leave this to others?

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    • Just now what you and few people said here, I said that and what I felt and to my parents. They shot me down saying that "You are young, you don't know anything about relationships and society (f***! Why society in all talks? Shoot'em). Just do what we say..."

      Dad asked, "Do you have someone in mind?" I said, "No". Dad said, "Looking for love? Kid, more than half love marriages end up in divorce." I said, "So what? It'll be my responsibility." Dad, "What'll society think?" (F*** again! Who cares about society?) I said, "Will you take responsibility?" He said, "No, why would I? You should be careful while selecting."

      Then I explained how little time I'll have to know the girl and all other things. In the end result was 0. I thought I was lucky to have bit open minded parents (other guys don't even get chance to talk on this subject) but I was so wrong.

      I guess I'll have to do what some people suggested... either leave country or if I fall in love then run away.

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    • Ok i get it. I sincerely hope for the best for you :) And good luck!

    • Thank you so much :)

  • Would there be an option to talk on the phone, text talk through the internet after meeting?

    Otherwise, I don't think there is a solution to your problem. You CAN'T judge someone in a few minutes. Not possible. It's a blind guess.
    Also I don't know how it's in your country, but sometimes you can tell a lot about a person based on their profession, so if she works...

    Staying single forever. I don't know wouldn't be for me, but it's your decision

    The difficult part would be after you get married. I don't personally believe there is "the one", I think we're compatible with many different people on this planet. With some it may be obvious right away, for others you have to put in the work, so you'd have to do that.

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    • 99% times... NO. Talking over phone or internet isn't possible. Most of times parents ask to give opinion in few days. (Ironic, they give few minutes to know each other and give few days to think about those few minutes!)

      It's possible if girl agrees to talk on internet while we're talking alone. However, if that happens and in case we start to like each other then bringing it back to families after few months is really troublesome. It'll create huge mess when they find out that we were talking (which isn't a problem, it's how people think -_-)

      IKR!! I wonder why people don't understand this? It's a hit or miss and I saw only 2 successful marriages in all couples I've ever known, rest are ultimate failure! (By failure I don't mean divorce because people 'almost never' get divorce here & by successful I mean that couple is really like a couple and act as couple, not as like they're on job for society.)...

    • ... I would agree to see a girl only if they give me option to talk to girl for few months or even few weeks.

      I agree with you on 'the one'.
      I don't know what will I do with this decision of staying single. I don't have much confidence, I'm pretty shy and introvert. I need a lot of time and comfort to open up. I'll try.

  • What if you fell in love? You wouldn't be allowed to marry for love?

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    • I'm not sure. As I told my parents have bit open mind than other family members/society. Still they are very very concerned about society opinion (saving face is more important that anything else in Asia) so if I fall in love probably I wouldn't be allowed to marry.

    • ... important *than anything else...

What Guys Said 4

  • Get a passport and leave the country.
    Don't marry any woman until you've been enjoying sex with her for at least 4-5 years. Anything less is a recipe for disaster and misery.

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    • I'll have passport soon but leaving country is not possible anytime soon.
      Hmmm...4-5 years! For that I would definitely need to leave the country.
      Thanks for opinion.

  • Indian I guess :D

    Either you run away with a girl and marry or you marry the girl your parents choose. Other wise society will shame your parents.

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    • Yes, Indian.
      I think first option is better :D

    • Yes.. but then again, try to marry the girl who is genuinely nice. Don't see caste. Watch 2 states if you want :)

    • I read book. It's nice.
      And I'm totally against casteism, I felt it's worst effects. It still exists on bigger scale :/

  • Wtf bro...
    This is not the case in my family.
    Let alone my marriage, my sister has the freedom to choose her own groom. she is dating one currently and my parents know about it. they were cool with my gf as well...
    Just feel sorry for you brother.

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    • I wish my family was like yours.
      I'm still in better situation. My family waited for me to graduate. Some of my classmates were married even before final year.

  • I am from India as well. Arranged marriages are not forced in my family.

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    • Lucky... very very lucky!

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