Am I a jealous and controlling husband like she says?

My wife (31) is a mature student at university. She has a male friend (23) who she spends a lot of time with - she tells me that it's study groups, but often times it's just the two of them. Once I found them at a cafe, observed from afar before I said hello, didn't look like they were studying. They were chatting and laughing. Fine, they're allowed to take study breaks. Then she invites this guy to our apartment and he stays until 1 am. She laughs at all his jokes and touches his arm. I know she is flirting. They spend 20-30 hours a week together, that's more than me and her. But when I bring it up, she says I'm being jealous and insecure. Is she playing mind games? I don't understand. Its like she's trying to rub this in my face


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Depending on where you marriage is, for example how long have you been married, do you have children, before college did you feel you had a good marriage and no trust issues before this? All these things play a factor in how she might be feeling as well as you. Have you both been arguing off and on for awhile? I ask these things because it could simply be right now she is less stressed being at school and spending time away from the house then being home. For example no one likes to come home and the first thing their S/O does is start yelling at them "Why are you late?, Why didn't you do this? Where is such and such? etc.. " A lot of people will prolong going home because they know as soon as they walk in that door the fussing will begin and they just do not want to deal with it. This doesn't mean they want to cheat and that though process may never even come into their head. It just means they want to enjoy themselves again. Most women once they turn 30 start to feel like their sex appeal is going away. When a younger person flirts with them they start to feel attractive again, especially if they have had kids.

    Depending on what is happening in your home and how your communication level is, this may or may not turn into something more unless you are able to talk to her about it. Not in an accusing way but let her know that you still find her sexy and you value your marriage. Start to date her again, leave notes in her text books for her to find telling her I hope you have a wonderful day in class today, when you come home I have a surprise planned for us. Leave her notes in her car saying something like you were so beautiful this morning while you were sleeping I didn't want to wake but tonight I would like to show you just how beautiful you are to me. See what her reactions are to these. Give her a reason to want to be around you more then someone else. Create situations that leave her excited and can't wait to come home to see what will happen next.

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What Girls Said 8

  • Based on your question: jealous, possible; controlling, impossible.

    Being jealous is not a problem until you become controlled by your inner demons and insecurities, one of them is to become an controlling person.

    If you were a controlling husband, you would have overreacted, get angry and tell her things like "don't lie to me", "I know that you like him more than me", "stop seeing that guy or stop going to the university", "I don't want you to see you with him anymore" or "I don't want you to continue studying". In other words, you would have "fallen in her mind game".

    Just stay cool, tell her that you love her and that if she needs something from you, she can tell you. Both men and women like to have good listeners than good talkers.

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  • It's only natural that you would be jealous,
    she spends more time with him than she does with you.
    Don't let your jealousy get in the way, you have to see the bigger picture.
    She is doing this to better herself.
    The only thing that would strike me has wrong is her touching his arm.

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  • She likes the attention that she is getting from the other guy, and maybe she seeks it out because she feels she's not getting enough flirty attention from you? Sounds like she is having an emotional affair with this dude and that's not good. It can easily turn into something more and you realize this, so I don't blame you for feeling the way you are. You need to really talk to her about this and make sure she listens to what you have to say. Approach it by referring to yourself ("It makes ME feel like..." or "I think that..." etc) and NOT by projecting it onto her ("YOU'RE always with this guy..." or "YOU you you..." etc.), that's the wrong way to go about it and maybe why she is dismissing the conversation.

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  • normally if they spend that much time together its normal for both to develop an attraction for each other

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  • You will have a right to be worried... They might also get intimate if they both get really comfortable with each other in time. :-o

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  • She probably just loves the attention she's getting from a younger male as you probably don't give her enough attention. Like you said they are together for 20-30 hrs/wk more than you and her which is bad. She wants more attention. Take her on dates , spend time alone. Surprise her with things. She'll probably stop the flirting and go back to business.

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  • The whole staying until 1 am would bother me and I wouldn't be ok with that. That's crossing the line in my opinion

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What Guys Said 4

  • Yes your being jealous and insecure. Because its a natural human reaction. Its not unwarranted jealousy, she's causing that reaction with her behavior. What she's doing is not ok. She wouldn't find it ok if you were doing the same thing. However you can not force her to stop behaving in a certain way, that will only create animosity and drive her to even more of the same behavior. Your only option is to explain in detail why that behavior bother you. Express that you love her and your worried. Ask what you can do to make the time you spend with her more valuable. Make no mistake, you are currently in competition with another guy and you need to be the smooth operator. If he looks like the good guy she's gonna lean his way.
    As a side note you need to be even more direct with the study partner. He needs to clearly understand that he's crossing boundaries and your not gonna take his s**t. Most likely he's trying hard to make you look bad and you need to put a stop to that in a hurry, at all costs. Call him out on his behavior. He thinks he's being slick and the sooner he knows your onto his game the better.

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  • I tend to agree with you on this one. If she really cared about how you are feeling then she would make an attempt to help you not feel the way you do. Instead of blowing you aff about how you feel. If she invites him to your apartment say no and see how she reacts. And when she gets mad about it tell her to make a choice to go be with him or stay with you. I personnally hate to give ultimatums like this but sometimes taking a stand is the only way to get to the trueth of how someone feels.

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  • She certainly is. She's loving the attention and I wouldn't be surprised if she's crossing a line.

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  • Looks like your wife is having fun and enjoying her life while you're sitting around pinning over the possibility of losing her. So she's flirting with a 23 year old so what. Doesn't mean she's going to leave you for him. And if she does so what you just pick yourself up and keep living life but honestly you're just scaring yourself. Quit worrying about what she's thinking and doing. You can't control her and stressing about it's doing nothing but pushing her away. If she leaves she leaves. If you want her to stay then treat her that way. Accept her for who she is and continue to love her. Flirt with her get to know her again build up that trust and intimacy. Stop trying to avoid losing her and start appreciating her and the time you have left with her. All relationships end one day. That doesn't mean it's going to end here. It just means stop worrying about whether or not it's going to end and start enjoying your wife. Not because she may be leaving but because you genuinely love and care about her as a person and not just her status as your wife. Because it sounds like she's not going anywhere but it also sounds like you're more concerned with yourself than you are about her.

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