What are your thoughts on (e)mail order brides?

I found out today that my colleague, a very bright woman from the Artist Formerly Known as the Soviet Union (born and raised in Moscow but she moved to Kyrgyzstan), is in fact a mail order bride. I've worked with her for seven years and I never knew this! I've only met her husband a few times, but I have to say that it somewhat surprises me that they met each other through a foreign woman dating exchange. Both of them defy a stereotype that I admit I held for these types of relationships.

So, what are your thoughts on foreign women dating services? What are your thoughts on the men and women who undertake them?

Updates:
The differences between women's reactions and men's reactions are interesting. Why do y'all think men and women are reacting differently to this?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't like it.

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    • Care to elaborate?

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    • I see. Thanks for your time, WhaChaChaKing. You were never rude.

What Girls Said 17

  • I don't really think anything of it. I just wonder why you would marry somebody you hardly know like that. It would just be better to go online to Match or something.

    I know the government here really cracks down on mail order brides and all that. Here, it usually seems to be people seeking Canadian citizenship. So a person seeking quick sponsorship to this country to become a citizen will legally marry an established citizen and have that person sponsor them. Then they annul the marriage. It's called marriage fraud here and if you're caught, you get deported. So I imagine that a mail order bride would not be looked upon too favourably as a citizenship candidate by the government here.

    I am marrying a Serbian guy, he is just a permanent resident (like a green card in the US), and before I can apply for a marriage license before the wedding, we have to prove the legitimacy of the relationship. It will be easy for us because we live together. You have to wait at least two years before applying for the license too. After we are married, I can sponsor him for citizenship.

    Since you can only get married here when you have a license (they're good for three months), I would think that a mail order bride and the guy who got her have completely skirted around the law if they manage to succeed in getting married here.

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    • Hmm. I've always wondered how do people prove the legitimacy of their relationship? In the case of my colleague, I thought she might be seeking citizenship in the U. S. However, she told me that in Kyrgyzstan, women outnumber men by like 5 to 4 (that's a big disparity, even greater than the male female disparity in China... where men outnumber women). That's why she went to the agency. By the way, from what I gather the agency she went through IS like match. com or some other dating site.

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    • I see. When money gets involved, things can get sticky.

    • "I don't really think anything of it. I just wonder why you would marry somebody you hardly know like that. It would just be better to go online to Match or something."

      I agree with you. It's kind of like an arranged marriage, which was the norm for a very long time. The idea of a romantic marriage is relatively new in comparison. That's assuming that they don't actually get to know each other first, though. I'm not a fan of mail-order brides at all, since it just seems like a way to use someone to get a green card and then citizenship. Aside from that, however, it's not that far off from any other online long-distance relationship.

  • If they find a classy and conservative girl - she might stay with the guy and not jump ship when somebody better comes along. Guys are a lot less likely to stay faithful to the girl once they get their green card but many woman stay with the person they married. I remember buying hot dogs from a vendor one day and the guy there told me that the japanese woman selling hot dogs with him was a mail order bride and then asked me if I thought he was stupid. I was too scared to tell him that he was wrong for exploiting somebody else's financial poverty.

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    • Japanese or Chinese? Japan is one of the world's most affluent countries.

  • I think the foreign bride/groom is in a bad place I'm their life and they're desperate to get out

    I think the ones ordering these future spouses are sad and pathetic

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    • Well, in the case of my colleague, she was desperate to leave Kyrgyzstan because women outnumber men there. She could have divorced her spouse long ago and still remained a citizen (she is a U. S. citizen now). I believe they are together because they love one another.

      I confess I had a similar view of the men who order these spouses. However, from what I know of my colleague's husband, he tends to defy this stereotype. I have my own answer, but I'm curious what yours might be to the following questions: What would you do if you were one of these desperate women? What would you do if you were one of these sad and pathetic men?

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    • Well, this is just what I think. Feel free to disagree with me :)

    • Do you have statistics to back up your claim?

  • I don't agree with it - to me its like buying a wife - reminds me of that movie Antonio Banderas is in with Angelina Jolie tbh

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    • In the case of my coworker, no money ever changed hands, so how is it buying a wife?

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    • As far as I can tell, my coworker's husband didn't order his current wife in any way. It was more like a dating site for people from different countries.

    • then why is it mailorder

  • My thoughts on them are pretty much like the girls'. So I wouldn't bother explaining it again.

    I will, however, state my theory of why the difference between male and female opinions.

    I think it's because most women still have this fantasy of meeting her "prince", and marrying out of love, which is not always the case with mail ordered marriages. Whereas guys are more on the realistic side, so for them it's like "if nothing else works, then why not?"

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  • I can't say I think the idea is a great one, but I do work with a couple and this is basically what their situation is. He arranged over the Internet to go to the Philippines and meet this girl he had been talking to, and her parents, with the view to marry her. Well, her plans changed as she got accepted into medical school whole he was out there. They had been getting on well but he really hit it off with her cousin, whom he ended up marrying and bringing her back to live in the UK. They've been married nearly 8years and have two gorgeous kids. They seem very much in love, so don't think everyone who enters into these arrangements are horrible, money grabbing women or creepy old men.

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    • That would seem to be how it is with my coworker. However, with so many people thinking that the men are "creepy old men," and the women are "money grabbing," I can see why they don't tell anyone how they met (except me)

    • Yes, I can understand why people aren't too eager to admit it.

  • Yeah its very strange. People aren't products, you can't get us in big quanities. We can't refund people, chuck them on lay by its ri-donk-culious.
    I saw this on the net

    boingboing.net/.../...wife-from-vietnam-for-6.html

    Your kidding me right. If she runs away within a year. You get a free one. Wtf! What's wrong with the f*&%ing world.

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  • I think its stupid. like excuse me while i order my husband... i mean this wouldn't be logical for girls we're too picky. like meh he's cute but not good enough.. like does he come with a job too and speak several languages i mean i want my monies worth. just saying

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    • Thanks for stopping by. In the case of my coworker, it didn't quite work that way.

  • How does that actually work? Is it more than a dating site? I'm not really sure about the reality of that. I mean it's not like you can order a woman, that'd be illegal.

    But ya I don't get it, it sounds gross and sees women as product you can sell and ship around, which is gross

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    • Well, as I understand it, it's simply a collection of dating sites that cater to women in certain countries (mostly Russian, China, and the Philippines) who want to meet men in certain countries (mostly the U. S., Australia, and England).

      I do not think my coworkers husband sees her as a product. I think they love each other.

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    • Is this what I should tell them? Stop crying, there's nothing cruel about your circumstance whatsoever. I would never tell them that, to their face or on the internet (anyone in their circumstance who might be reading this, I do see the cruelty in your situation and I do have great sympathy for you and it might have to be this way, but I don't think it SHOULD be this way)

      Now, again. Why would you say something potentially to many people in their circumstance on the internet, but you wouldn't say it to their faces?

    • I already said it may have been insensitive and I didn't think about it that much.
      I'm not saying they should be, it was a general statement, about men who can't find someone here going abroad to find often much younger women. Your friends are not the topic of this discussion. I think you're taking this way too personal

      I think we're done now

  • Technically speaking, mail order brides are nothing but escorts who are hired for a life time instead of just a night. I'd say the obligatory "whatever makes them happy" and I would probably even mean it. But the thing is, I'm not too sure how many of these mail order brides are actually doing this of their own accord.

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    • "I'm not too sure how many of these mail order brides are actually doing this of their own accord. "

      Could you elaborate? For that matter why are mail order brides "escorts who are hired for a life time" but other brides are not?

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    • I gotcha. I would not have bothered to engage you in this conversation for so long if I thought you were close minded, SandPlanet. By the way, I acknowledge (to my shame) that I may have been more close minded than you prior to this discovery.

    • Well, I will have to inform myself more on this topic.

  • They have no idea what they're getting themselves into.

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    • The men? The women? Or both?
      Could you elaborate on that?

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    • www.ncjrs.gov/.../abstract.aspx?ID=241378
      This is the closest thing I found to what we were talking about (although it only studied Vietnamese brides in America), unfortunately I only found the abstract.

    • Thank you. It doesn't seem to compare their findings to the population at large, however. I'd be interested in knowing that.

  • Whatever works for people I guess

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  • I am not comfortable with the idea till today. i find it weird...

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    • Could you explain more? I felt similarly, but I'd like to know why you feel that way?

    • It is like magazine subscription

  • I would never do it, but I know a couple that are in that situation and they have a fine marriage.

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    • Gotcha. How open is this couple about telling others how they met? My coworker has only confided it in me, at least as far as the people she works with goes.

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    • No, Australia

  • Im not type of person to say its wrong, let people do what they want.

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  • I know one guy who did it and he's a real prick who basically wanted a servant who let's him drink and gamble and talk down to her. But that's the only one I know, so it's hard to say.

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    • Interesting... and sad. Thanks for sounding off.

    • He's very unhappy with it now, too, despite having a wife who is 20 years younger. But I don't think he'd ever be happy in a relationship. I think too many people try to take "the easy way" out in general instead of working on their own behavior that makes them unhappy.

  • It's horrible! If a guy do that, I assume he is a dickhead!

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    • My coworker's husband, as near as I can tell, isn't a "dickhead," as you put it. What does that say about a woman who willingly marries a dickhead?

What Guys Said 16

  • I've known several. All of them were more stable relationships that the average couple who did it the usual way. None of them were losers, ugly, shy, couldn't get anyone else, or anything like that. They just had different preferences and went about it in an unconventional way.

    People need to get used to this because it's becoming more and more common all the time.

    My own views? I don't care. I don't look down on them in any way. I don't see their relationship being any different than people who met in any other way. Maybe part of my lax view is because I grew up near a major military bases with people who have been stationed all over the world. Its very common for them to bring wives home.

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    • Take a look at the differences between the men's and women's opinions here. Why do you suppose that is?

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    • "I think part of it is that western women refuse to admit that women from some other countries/cultures might actually have some traits that are more desirable. "

      Oh no you didn't! I feel like a little demon making trouble.

    • Lol, I'm not one to shy away from controversy. I'm a rebel from waaaay back.

      But I don't say it to cause trouble. I say it because it's the truth.

  • I don't blame a lot of guys who go this route in america with the way women are here. I bet the guys in those situations feel more appreciated than like.. 90% of the typical American couples these days. Hell look at what girls are looking for on dating websites, their "standards" barely have anything to do with the guy himself, only what he has. I've had people suggest this to me too. American girls are ruining themselves continuously and it's hard to find a true mature woman in this country.

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    • I disagree American girls are ruining themselves continuously.

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    • Good for you.

    • Tell me, why do you think American girls are ruining themselves continuously? Why do you say it's hard to find a true mature woman in this country?

  • At the end it doesn't matter how you get together, for as long as it works.

    But it definitely is dodgy, and gets very close to human trafficking. And even if it's a honest dating site, there's a high chance of failure as you don't know much about each other and the woman gets to live in a strange country. I think the chance of someone being unhappy in that relationship is much higher compared to regular relationships where you get to know each other properly before becoming a couple. I feel at the end it's just a gamble, some will win, some will lose.

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    • I have known women who were victims of human trafficking. I disagree with you quite strongly. I would say it gets no where close to human trafficking.

    • To clarify myself, I didn't mean it's always close to human trafficking. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But I can assure you if there's a good deal of money involved, criminal activities won't be far away. Some girls ARE pressured to do this. In that case it does get close to human trafficking.

  • I don't like the idea. It's like ordering something from Amazon. It's too impersonal. But Russian women are definitely beautiful.

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    • That tends to be my opinion, though learning that my colleague is one has taken the starch out of it, somewhat.

    • your order has been shipped! get 2 day free shipping on your mail order bride when signing up for Mail order bride Prime

    • Sounds like you have been doing some window shopping, comrade. You like what you see? I give discount!

  • I say why not. If that's what floats someone's boat then God bless. But it can
    be bad. A friend of mine married a hot 20 year Russian cutie. He was 55. He
    picked her up at the airport in a limo. She got her Green card and divorced him.
    It cost him $3million, A man I go to church with had been a widower for some
    years after his first wife died of cancer. He met a Russian girl, she was 20, he was 57.
    I thought for sure that they wouldn't last. They've been married for 10 years and have three
    kids. Believe it or not these marriages have a divorce rate that is no higher than normal
    divorce rates. And I believe that American women treat their men in such a shitty way that
    they cause and perpetuate this. What are we men supposed to do, suffer in quiet agony?
    I think not.

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    • I don't think my colleague's husband was suffering in quiet agony. That being said, how in the hell did your friend lose $3 million?

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    • Without an adequate prenup, there is a side of me that almost things he deserved it... almost.

    • What makes us the spawn of Satan if I may ask?

  • It's really no different than going on PlentyOfFish Online. Feminists and jealous white women like to make a big deal out of it though, so they've made it harder for men to find foreign brides, and created a negative stigma associated with it. Contrary to popular belief, men don't seek these women because they are submissive. They seek them because they are not rebellious like the women we have over here in America. I've been overseas myself, and know plenty of happily married couples here that have "mail-order" brides who pretty much run the household. Don't buy into the stereotypes about it, like I said, it's just jealous women. They can't stand that men with money to travel the world would rather go alone and pick up a woman over there than take them along for a free vacation

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  • If the people involved are acting of their own free will and it makes them happy, then I couldn't care less.

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  • who realy cares as long ass those two are happy then go for it it is no different than people finding each other on line in the country they live in

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  • Everybody is upfront, everybody wins. Why not.

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    • If you don't mind perusing through the responses here, how do you account for the differences in responses between the genders?

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    • Well, it was men they were not attracted to, or in some cases no one at all. Then again, I have heard some male friends of mine bemoan, "Girls don't like me," when in fact some girls do. It's just not women they're attracted to. I do however agree that if it's someone you're not attracted to, it might as well be no one.

    • I understand your point, but that's the boat EVERYONE is in.

      Whenever there's a female who says she's never been approached or courted in her entire life, I say, "Well, what about your guy friends? Has there ever been a guy who was your friend, tried taking things further, but you rejected?" the answer is always yes.

      Not even Adriana Lima can get any guy she wants. It's just normal animal courtship.

  • A joke/easy ticket to a green card

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    • Again, what I thought until I discovered my colleague was one of them. She became a citizen about five years ago. If she wanted to, she could have divorced him a long time ago and still remained in the country.

    • Of course they become a citizen. Smart women, dumb men. Nothing to lose if a divorce ever arises.

    • Why dumb men?

  • I know a guy that was going through the process. He was Filipino/American and was looking for a Filipino wife. There was this whole process he had to go through that entailed getting her families approval. That meant flying over and courting her and her family. Naturally, he was shopping for a beautiful woman he was not able to get on his own here in the states. They bond. Her family starts having financial problems, which he wanted to help with. Before you know it, he has sent piles of cash and no immediate plans on her coming to the states. I am unsure how long it went on, but it all seemed like a huge scam to me.

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  • I think the people criticizing a guy for getting a mail order bride need to shut up and find them some business. Its not like they were going to go out with them or like they were going to help them find someone, so why be up in their business?

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  • I will have to resort to that option if something does not change.

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    • Really? Interesting. Maybe you have looked into it? What have you learned?

      What, if you don't mind me asking, do you think needs to change?

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    • There is a long, but reasonable explanation behind it. I am not in the mood to type it all up.

    • OK. Thanks for the time.

  • i heard one of our member palek tried it

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  • Gold diggers

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    • I had a similar stereotype in mind, however my colleague doesn't fit that at all.

  • In America there is no such thing as mail order brides. The man and woman have to meet in person, and prove that to the courts. These online sites are really no different than any other online dating site. The main difference is that a background check is ran on the man, so the woman can see if he seems dangerous or not before he is allowed to communicate with her online. At the time women are going to leave the country, the women are tested to make sure we aren't letting a criminal immigrate. All in all the only difference is that there are much higher levels of security, and protection for the men and women, than domestic dating. No surprise these marriages report a lower domestic violence rate than domestic marriages, and are more likely to be successful. Again that only applies to America. Other countries have huge problems, and do not offer the woman proper protection.

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    • I'd appreciate it if you could give me the source of your statistics for lower levels of domestic violence and divorce rates. That's interesting.

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    • I just googled it quickly. I don't remember the sources I saw earlier. It wasn't meant to be a source to prove my point. They mentioned some of what I had come across already so thought it might put you on the right track if you wanted to look it up.

    • I see. Thank you.

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