Should I give my wife another chance or leave?

I never thought I would be on this site, but here I am looking for answers

Me and my wife been married for over nine years.
Only couple of days ago she dropped a bomb shell on me saying she's been having an affair on me with my best friend
my heart sunk, i was heart broken to be hearing this
we met in 2005 till now we still 2gether 2014
and the affair started 2005 when we met, till 2010
which is over five years.
I don't know what to think or to say to her
she's confessed everything to me about the affair
such as time, places, when and where
I asked why she's doing this to me
as I have been a loving caring husband always supported her
and we have done a lot of traveling around Spain and Europe
She tells me its all her fault, she didn't intend to hurt me in any way. she's says she's remorseful and she couldn't go on with the lies anymore
and it was just sex with him, it didn't mean anything
I can't tell u guys how I'm feeling right now
as I have not drank any water or eaten any food for over 3 days now, and my sleep pattern is all over the place, I'm devastated and heart broken
as I don't understand why she's doing all this to me
She says it was only sex with him and she felt that she had to end it with him
as she realized her love for me, and now she talks about starting over. Im so so confused, I still love her as we have been together for 9 years
but this is too much to swollow

If there's anyone who like to comment please do as I'm looking for answers

Thank You For Reading

  • Work it out
    29% (7)20% (2)26% (9)Vote
  • Leave
    71% (17)80% (8)74% (25)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I've made the mistake of giving my ex's a second chance and they did it to me and one did it twice! Once they cheat they do it again. And worse she's been doing it since you FIRST met. if she truly loved you, why would she need anyone else in the first place? I'm in a loving relationship right now and I can tell you that I never think or even look at another man. But she did not just let it happen once or twice but for 5 yrs, that's excessive and living two lives. A good healthy relationship doesn't need to be built on a base of lies, it needs trust. How can you trust a woman who cheated on you from the start for 5 yrs, then out of the blue decides to break your heart by telling you not even considering how it may affect you. If she was going to tell you she should have said so after the FIRST time she got in his pants. You need to leave her.

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What Girls Said 10

  • This is going to take a lot of time to get through and over, but do you think that this marriage is worth coming out on the other side? Do you think its worth fighting through to get back close to where you guys used to be in happiness? Also, was she involved with your friend when you guys were JUST friends? when you guys were dating? or right after you guys got married?

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    • I'm not sure when it started.. I did not ask her a whole lot.

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    • No kids at all.. thank God

    • Yeah. I feel like your relationship started on a lie, and it makes me wonder why she went through the commitment of marrying you if she didn't honor and respect you from the get go.

  • I'm very sorry you're going through this, it must not be easy on you.. I can't tell you what to do because the answer is only yours to make.. The only advice I can give is to take time to make a decision, you don't need to rush into anything and whatever makes feel good go for it.. Ultimately is your life and your feelings.. Personally I find it hard to stay in a situation like yours but everyone is different.. Don't let yourself down and find comfort in your loves one they would provide the emotional support you need..

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  • I consider an affair a deal killer. Sorry that happened to you. I think a relationship needs to be founded on trust and mutual respect. If she could have an affair then there were obviously underlying reasons for her as well. Maybe she felt lonely with you or wasn't feeling needed enough.
    I wish you the best regardless.

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  • i am so sorry to hear this but you should take care of yourself. I have been there too. 5 years of lies yet you were always a good loving husband to her. you deserve better even if she told you the truth. it's better to leave her behind and look after yourself.

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  • Honestly I think I would leave. I feel like this is too huge of a deal to be able to work out. She (and your friend) has been lying to you for 9 years. They don't deserve your forgiveness. I get that it's hard, but I think that even if you stay the relationship won't ever get back to how it used to be/feel.

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  • Im so sorry :( You didn't deserve to be treated like this in any way.
    Unfortunately, if I was you I would leave. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, especially if you love somebody.
    But if you dont agree with me, weigh out the good and the bad of her and question if its really worth trying to work out.
    Also talk with her too, see her point of view.

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  • to me it depends if you have kids. its so sad when kids have to suffer from this shit

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  • I'd personally leave...

    This is coming from someone who did the same thing your wife did BUT my affair only lasted 3 weeks (the first month we were dating). The second I realized that I loved my boyfriend and cared about him I ended the affair with his best friend.

    I know that I'm an awful person for cheating on my boyfriend, but I didn't love him at the point in time that I cheated.

    For your wife to cheat even when she supposedly loved you for FIVE YEARS is really awful! I think if she really and truly loved you then she would have ended it because she would have cared about you too much to let it go on any longer.

    Even now, a year later whenever his "best friend" makes advances towards me (he texts me every once in a while and tells me how he misses me and how he thought my boyfriend was a better choice for me, but now he knows that he was and shit like that to try to get back with me all the time) and tries to play the jealousy card (whenever I'm with him and my boyfriend at the same time he plays "Marvin's Room" by Drake really loudly on repeat to try to make me feel sorry for him so I'll give him more attention than I give my boyfriend) I don't think about going back because I love my boyfriend now and would never do anything to hurt him or jeopardize our relationship ever again.

    If I would have known that I would have fallen in love with my boyfriend I would have never cheated on him.. the fact that your wife continued the relationship with your best friend for so long shows that she didn't feel that way. She was with him for 5 years and didn't end it at all? Like.. that's a really, really long time.

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    • Uhhh maybe you should tell your boyfriends so-called best friend to stop contacting you all together. He's a scumbag... he has no respect for your boyfriend!!!

    • I have and he barely talks to me anymore, but once in a blue moon he gets horny and contacts ALL of his exes (I'm nothing special to him... this is a routine thing he does like 2-3 times a year. He texts ALL of his exes tells him how much he loves them and how he wishes they were together again and tries to see who will actually fall for his bullshit lies) He did it in September (texted me and everyone else he was EVER involved with ) and ended up getting together with one of his exes again who he's with now.. she's so sweet I really feel bad for her because I know he just wants sex, but lied to her about how much he cares about her and made her feel really special so he could use her, but oh well.

      I told my boyfriend that he tried to contact me as well and we talked about his best friend and yeah I found out my boyfriend only really hangs out with him out of pity anyway. He knows that his best friend is really reckless and my boyfriend is just too nice to leave him

    • Oh ok well that's good.. I'm glad you exposed him to your BF... fake friends are thee worst. :-)

  • I think you should leave her that's horrible it's been going on since you guys first met ypy sound like a good man who deserves better reminds me of the movie temptation I hope you haven't had any sexual intercourse with her recently but I mean if you really really love her and feel that this could be worked out and you can look past it then ig you could try and work it out but I personally just think you should leave her there's a better women out there for you you don't deserve that bs

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  • Leave her. She's a terrible person. Use your time to find someone who deserves you.

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    • I am constantly considering the divorce option by the minute...

    • Do it. You can't trust her again. And cut off hat terrible "friend". Leave and don't look back. They're toxic.

What Guys Said 8

  • Get out man.. That's fucking ridiculous. If she's done it before (and in this case for apparently 5 years), she very well might do it again. I totally understand the feeling as I have been cheated on as well. You seriously need to focus here, and step away from the situation. Get some perspective on it that you can't get while you're smack in the middle.

    So sorry dude. Nobody deserves that.

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    • Thanks man I am thinking of going to counseling.

  • It's a lot to swallow, and it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. That bad taste will still be there, in a few years time.
    She really hasn't done you any favour by telling you about it. They do that to ease their own conscience, with no thought to how much misery it causes.

    It can work out, and I know cases where couples have lived happily ever after. You have to weigh up the odds. If you end it and find another woman, on average there's about one in 3 chance the next woman will cheat. There's also more than 44% chance the next one will divorce you. If she's already been married and divorced, both those chances are even higher.

    What do you think the chances are that your wife will remain faithful in the future?

    Another thing to keep in mind. They'll cheat even if the sex at home is better than they can get anywhere. My wife cheated, and she now knows what she's missing.

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    • I know exactly what you mean man. You what's funny? have you ever heard of the saying. "A man should always cherish and respect a woman"? well let me tell you that that shit is getting harder and harder to do these days..

  • It's not too late to find happiness with another woman. Although she confessed, that doesn't mean there's not going to be any consequence. She gave up on you the entire half of your marriage with her. People do make mistakes but not for 5years bro., that's definitely a choice. When men are heart broken, we feel like our entire life is over with no hope. But there's plenty of women out there for you that'll treat you like you treated her. & you have plenty of time.
    Last but not least , that's not your best friend bro

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    • Not sure when I will feel like going woman hunting again... but you answer was really helpful

  • At first I thought you should work it out... but she was cheating from the beginning. She only came forth now out of guilt. It was selfish of her to cheat and it was selfish of her to tell you for the sole purpose of alleviating her guilt.
    She probably does love you, but the fact she thought this affair was ok because it was just sex shows how shallow her love is.
    You can't trust her and you don't have any kids that you need to help raise. You need to leave this woman.

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    • I'm sorry that this happened

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    • You might consider going for a walk. Clear your head a bit

    • Good idea man really good idea THANK YOU!!

  • Having been in a similar situation I can say that you do not see things clearly if you are too close. Don't listen to friends because they have their own motivation for their statements (good or bad) and family take sides for reasons that are often illogical.
    Now the ball is in your court, you have time to listen, consider and decide, and this is often better at a distance because otherwise your emotions will rule your logic.
    It takes a long time to recover from betrayal , two to four years maybe?
    You don't have to be in a hurry, but I find it is best to watch what people do now, rather than what they say.
    Think, watch and don't be in a hurry to decide. Look after yourself boy.

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  • im sorry to hear that mate i truly am. this is why i dont date people anymore. because i feel like its all just about sex and money, status and fame these days. and people dont seem to want anything serious because they dont know how to deal with problems and talk about things when they get tough or when they want something they dont get. could be anything. maybe ask her why she cheated and had an affair. is she not attracted to you anymore or was the sex bad.

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  • Shit dude. This sucks it sucks allot. I really dont know what i would do in this situation. But i probably would leave her initially say i am breaking up to spend some time with a friend and think it over for a while. i dont know if i could look at her the same way though, after such a blow to our relationship after such a betrayal. But like i said, i probably would at least get some space from her for a while at the least. I am shore you will make a decision that will be best for you. Also punch your friend in the face while your at it, find him if necessary. Maybe punch him more than once.

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  • Pray and ask God. This is a big deal and you shouldn't be basing your decision on other peoples opinions. But according to the law, since she committed sexual immorality she is eligible for a certificate of divorce but will also make anyone who marries her an adulterer.

    God is near the brokenhearted and the Lord is a just God and the wicked will get what's coming to them. Leave it in hands of God.

    Also, let go of your 'best friend' and get new friends.

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    • You know what? Now that I think about it, this happened to me before but with my girlfriend in high school and my 'best friend'. And you know what happened? I forgave both, I still talk to her via emails sometimes and now she's marrying someone. I haven't talked to my friend in probably 7 years. But you know what? Your wife is the one who has to look at herself in the mirror everyday. Continuing to love her is the right thing to do. When you love someone you let them go, and if they come back to you they are yours, but if they don't then they were never yours in the first place.

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