My husband and I have been married for 8.5 years. I am 38 and he is 37. We have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. We have always had a great marriage. We have had ups and downs, mainly concerning money, but, at least I though, "we" were always good. Recently, he has found himself an 18 year old girlfriend.
He says he needs her in his life right now. He says he loves me and he wants me to stay and he wants to take care of me forever, but he also refuses to give up the girl!
I know this makes me a fool, but I deeply love my husband. I married him because I wanted to be with him forever. I still do. I am devastated and heartbroken over this situation. I don't know what to do! He thinks he can be in love with 2 people. He wants to be married and have his girlfriend and won't budge.
This whole situation is extremely hurtful to me. I have always been 100% faithful to him. I have always been completely honest with him and have never kept secrets. I would never have dreamed that this would ever happen in our relationship.
Now, in the meantime, we have approached a lawyer about getting a divorce. No matter how hurt I am, I really don't want one. I want to have my family back. We are still having sex. Foolish or not, I need to feel that closeness with him. I want to please him. He is the only man that has ever pleased me. We were both previously married. My first husband was my first lover. My husband now is the only man that has satisfied me in that way.
Is this a guy thing? Does this happen a lot? Is it possible for our marriage to survive if I let this "extra-curricular relationship" play out? Is he having some sort of mid live crisis?
I seriously don't know what to do. I know what everyone else is telling me to do. I know in my head what I probably should do, but my heart is definitely contradicting all of this!
Please help me understand. Please give me some advice, from a guys point of view! Is he feeding me a line of crap or is it really possible for him to feel what he says he is feeling? He says that he and his girlfriend have not been intimate --- yet! He also admits that it is entirely possible, if not likely that it is going to lead to that. I am sure that this girl is not in it for the long haul. How could she be? She is young and inexperienced with life. Her life hasn't even started yet! Clearly, I have absolutely no respect for her. As a woman, I can tell you with no doubt in my mind that I would never get involved with a married man, let alone a married man with a family! I wish I could just make her realize that she is so wrong to interfere in this type of situation, that what she is doing is wrong and that she really needs to back off, but unfortunately, when I have tried to talk to her, she calls my husband and starts a big fight about it. I am not totally blaming her, clearly my husband is the one breaking vows. My husband is the one that loves me, not her. Please help me understand!
Most Helpful Girl
I really feel for you and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
I am a strong believer in marriage, and I don't think that an affair has to be the end of one IF the partner having the affair ends it and concentrates on making the marriage work. It is not possible to nurture two relationships at once, it's just not. And no relationship can survive without nurturing.
IMO, he has to decide what he wants and COMMIT to a course of action. If the two of you get counselling, say, while this other girl is still around, he will not be fully committed to making it work. It is going to be hard for him to gain your trust again, and he will have to WANT to do it.
As for why your husband wants to be with a girl 20 years younger than him, that tells me that he is insecure and wants to be in control.
A book that I would recommend to you is "The Solo Partner." I can't remember the name of the author. It basically tells you what you can do on your own to help your marriage, and can help you decide what you want to do.
Best wishes to you, LL1