Can my marriage be saved?

My husband and I have been married for 8.5 years. I am 38 and he is 37. We have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. We have always had a great marriage. We have had ups and downs, mainly concerning money, but, at least I though, "we" were always good. Recently, he has found himself an 18 year old girlfriend.

He says he needs her in his life right now. He says he loves me and he wants me to stay and he wants to take care of me forever, but he also refuses to give up the girl!

I know this makes me a fool, but I deeply love my husband. I married him because I wanted to be with him forever. I still do. I am devastated and heartbroken over this situation. I don't know what to do! He thinks he can be in love with 2 people. He wants to be married and have his girlfriend and won't budge.

This whole situation is extremely hurtful to me. I have always been 100% faithful to him. I have always been completely honest with him and have never kept secrets. I would never have dreamed that this would ever happen in our relationship.

Now, in the meantime, we have approached a lawyer about getting a divorce. No matter how hurt I am, I really don't want one. I want to have my family back. We are still having sex. Foolish or not, I need to feel that closeness with him. I want to please him. He is the only man that has ever pleased me. We were both previously married. My first husband was my first lover. My husband now is the only man that has satisfied me in that way.



Is this a guy thing? Does this happen a lot? Is it possible for our marriage to survive if I let this "extra-curricular relationship" play out? Is he having some sort of mid live crisis?

I seriously don't know what to do. I know what everyone else is telling me to do. I know in my head what I probably should do, but my heart is definitely contradicting all of this!

Please help me understand. Please give me some advice, from a guys point of view! Is he feeding me a line of crap or is it really possible for him to feel what he says he is feeling? He says that he and his girlfriend have not been intimate --- yet! He also admits that it is entirely possible, if not likely that it is going to lead to that. I am sure that this girl is not in it for the long haul. How could she be? She is young and inexperienced with life. Her life hasn't even started yet! Clearly, I have absolutely no respect for her. As a woman, I can tell you with no doubt in my mind that I would never get involved with a married man, let alone a married man with a family! I wish I could just make her realize that she is so wrong to interfere in this type of situation, that what she is doing is wrong and that she really needs to back off, but unfortunately, when I have tried to talk to her, she calls my husband and starts a big fight about it. I am not totally blaming her, clearly my husband is the one breaking vows. My husband is the one that loves me, not her. Please help me understand!

Updates:
We are going ahead with the divorce. He told me yesterday that he actually does not love me and hasn't for a long time. He said that I am a responsibility and a burden. He cares, but does not love me. I guess I have to accept it. Thanks 4 the comments

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I really feel for you and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

    I am a strong believer in marriage, and I don't think that an affair has to be the end of one IF the partner having the affair ends it and concentrates on making the marriage work. It is not possible to nurture two relationships at once, it's just not. And no relationship can survive without nurturing.

    IMO, he has to decide what he wants and COMMIT to a course of action. If the two of you get counselling, say, while this other girl is still around, he will not be fully committed to making it work. It is going to be hard for him to gain your trust again, and he will have to WANT to do it.

    As for why your husband wants to be with a girl 20 years younger than him, that tells me that he is insecure and wants to be in control.

    A book that I would recommend to you is "The Solo Partner." I can't remember the name of the author. It basically tells you what you can do on your own to help your marriage, and can help you decide what you want to do.

    Best wishes to you, LL

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What Guys Said 1

  • Ah, the fresh meat. Well you don't sound like a fool, but he wants his cake and to eat it too. That's not fair to you, and especially to your daughter. Why would you want a guy who does that to you? That's selfish on his part and basically is playing both of you. I'd tell him that if he wants her, he needs to get out. Once you push him away and start trying, he'll see what he's doing. An 18 year old girl doesn't even know who she is yet, let alone want to be with someone for the long haul. Pack his stuff up, change your locks, and bye bye.

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What Girls Said 6

  • Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching lyf story with us, I really feel for you. Okay, this is how I see it! I think that you are doing the right thing by not giving up on your marriage. Yes, he is wrong in doing what he is doing on the side but he still is taking care and loving you as his wife. Please do not think that I am condoning this behavior but I understand it. What he is doing on the side is not to hurt you at all, please be grateful that he is honest about it at all. If you want your marriage to work, it will, just continue being his wife and doing what you are doing. He is having this affair because it is something going on inside and something that he feels that he is missing. the woman on the side is just that and will only be that...on the side. Sometimes, these women actually saves our marriages whether women want to admit it or not, it's the truth. They give our husbands something that we either can't or don't and it satisfies him enough to keep his family and it makes him feel fulfilled.

    By him admitting that he will not let her go is the typical way this is done and it will continue, whether it is with her or another, it will not stop. He is trying to fill a need, whether it is something that he doesn't want to share with you (maybe embarrassed or shame) or maybe there is just something that is no longer there in the marriage. She will not be able to take your husband away from you, that won't happen and if she starts to nag about it, he will simply drop her and find another. There are no strings attached with the other woman just things that she has that he needs and mostly it is not about sex, it's sorta emotional. Many married women share their husbands and most of them know about it and the other women know to always respect the wife and her position, that is just the way it goes in this process.

    You have the choice to either move on or stay and learn to deal with this. Those are the only options that you have so you will have to figure out what works best for you and your family. No one will ever know that your husband has a thing on the side, so it will be your secret or you will end the marriage based on infidelity, it's your choice but understand either decision is going to take a lot of patience and understanding. ty-lady!

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  • Thanks for best answer.

    I'm sorry to read your update, but I'm glad that he's being upfront with you. Obviously, he's not ready to do the work necessary to keep your marriage. If he doesn't love you, you will be better off without him. I'm not trying to sound flippant; I've been there and I know how much it hurts. But there will be better days ahead, better than you could have imagined.

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  • I'm really sorry that you have had to go through with it. But you truly are better off without him. Your little girl is only seven so should be able to adjust given time. Once things settle down, you can give her stability. Its no good living a lie. If you had stayed with this man, the marriage would only grow worse and children can pick up on tension. Believe me I know. You could cut the tension between my parents with a knife when I was younger and at times it was unbearable once I got older and knew what was going on. Your child doesn't have that awareness yet thank god so she should be able to adapt easily enough.

    Then when I was in my teens, I discoverd my dad cheating on my mom which effectively ended the marriage and honestly I was so relieved. It had been a disaster so at least your child doesn't have to go through all that. I'm not saying woe is me but staying together for the children is total crap and does not work. as I know well! So I'm delighted you're leaving. Just get out and don't look back. And remember "this too shall pass". Give it time and you will be ok again even if it feels you never will be right now. Just trust me on this and keep saying "this too shall pass" in your head.

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  • I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, but I do think it is for the best. If you stayed with this guy, you would only end up feeling inadequate and sad about his cheating. Just remember, things might suck now, but they will get better. You will look back on this eventually and be so glad you did get the divorce. You sound like such a caring person and you deserve better than this guy.

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  • He does not respect you because you are not respecting yourself. You need to set some boundaries. He cannot have another girlfriend that he f***s and then f*** you at the same time. Right now he's having his cake and eating it too. He has no incentive to go back to the happy marriage he once had. You need to love yourself before you love this man because clearly he does not give a f*** about your feelings. Do not even concern yourself with the other "woman". If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. The problem is your husband.

    You have a 7 year old daughter. Is this the example you want to set for her? Would you want her to be in your situation? So desperate to please a man who is unfaithful to her that she will do anything but the right thing for herself? Show her that you're a strong woman who doesn't accept less than she deserves.

    Also cut him off from sex. If he is getting it from the 18 year old skank he doesn't deserve to get it from you. Pack up your stuff and move out with your daughter. If that is not feasible, then kick him out and change the locks. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Your man does not appreciate you. Now it's time to make him miss you. When you're gone he will start to think about you more and more. Right now he sees you everyday and steps out on you so he is comfortable. Break him out of that comfort zone and move on without him. He will probably be like "Damn I wonder what she's upto" and then you have him right where you want him.

    What you need to do is show him that you are not a guarantee. Instead of being so caught up under him that you will take whatever bullsh*t he hands you, back off from him. Show him that you are a desirable woman and if he doesn't appreciate you someone else will. Go out, get your hair done, hit the gym if you don't already and just look good. I want you to style on all these bitches okay! You deserve to feel beautiful and sexy. Once you do, not only will you attract more attention (which will likely make hubby realize what he's been missing and get jealous) but your self esteem will raise so you'll realize you're worth more than this situation!

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  • Omigod, are you serious? Why would you want to be with someone like this? You have been with this guy so long that you are scared of losing him. Get out and in a year or two, you will wonder why you even considered staying.

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