In need of advice on how to handle this situation. What would you do?

My husband and I have been married for about 7 years. We never had any issues with unfaithfulness until a couple years ago when I discovered he had been hiding a relationship from me by accidentally seeing a text message from her on his phone. He had met her during a show he performed as he plays guitar in a band. I happened to not be up for going that night and stayed home. I always regret not having gone. As far as I know he had been communicating with her for a few months behind my back and had not been physically intimate with her... based on what he has told me. I believe him... I think. We went to a couple sessions of marriage counseling, which helped, but I still don't feel like I can trust him 100%. My husband's band practices an hour away from home. Sometimes he goes out for drinks after practice and hangs out with the guys from the band. He has gotten home very late smelling like alcohol several times. I can't help but have a bad connotation with him doing this because of his history. We have a nine month old baby now and I'm a stay at home mom. I'm at home with the baby every night and I can't help but feel odd about him being out having beers while I'm at home with the baby especially with his history. Am I being overly paranoid? Will I ever be able to trust him again? Has anyone else ever gone through a similar situation? I think it's healthy for us each to have our time to ourselves and I know my husband thrives on playing music. I don't feel like asking him not to be in a band is an option. I know how much being in a band means to him and I want to be supportive of that. At the same token I don't feel like I can trust him as he has given me reason not to. I SO badly want to trust him but I just don't. Will this ever get better?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Ok, I've been on two ends of this spectrum. My first boyfriend/fiance/ sexual partner cheated on me 6yrs ago and when I asked him about it, denied it every time. I found emails of him messaging other girls and his ex for months yet he still denied it. I called the wedding off because I knew that I'd be wasting my time and fooling myself in believing that he wouldn't do it again. I knew that I would have never trusted him and couldn't put myself through that level of uncertainty, paranoia etc. Trust issues never really go away, if you ask me.

    On the other end, I've cheated on a boyfriend after that. What I can tell you is, there is absolutely no way you can get him to not cheat unless he wants to be faithful himself. For the very least, he can avoid putting himself in situations that make you uneasy. I think you deserve that after all, he does have a history. He should definitely consider your feelings when he's out late with friends. I avoid going out a lot because my husband would freak the hell out, he doesn't ask me to stay home but I sense that he's terrified that I might cheat all the time... so I just don't put myself in certain enviorns without him such as clubs, bars etc to put his mind at rest. If he's understanding and care for your feelings he'd consider how his actions may affect you.

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What Guys Said 1

  • I personally put money down that you are in a bit of trouble. I am exactly the guy you described. Musician, was with a girl for long etc. but truth is, I loved playing and getting the girls. If he has only had you, and not many girls before you, I would worry. He may not but , music, party, drinks, it doesn't bode well. I cheated on my girl several times without her knowing. I finally broke up with her but we got back together and now I have rules in place with my whereabouts and she is very wary of where I'm playing or practicing and comes to most gigs.

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    • Ugh... Not what I wanted to read today but thank you for your feedback and honesty. So I guess it sounds like I just need to deal with not trusting him and constantly wondering if he's going to do it again for the rest of my marriage. ... Perfect.

What Girls Said 1

  • you just have to give things time!

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