My wife wants me to take care of her and the kids?

I have two kids now and my career has taken an up swing. I work a sales job and got a huge pay out because my commission was 50%. I closed a 500,000 dollar deal. I can now pay off our house and student loan debt. After all of that she says she now wants to stay at home with the kids but women faught so long to be in the workforce. I don't want her to be a lazy bum. If a man were to do this he would be seen as lazy, so I told her no and the reason why and now she is mad. What are your thoughts?

  • support her
    55% (26)40% (20)47% (46)Vote
  • no, she is lazy, she should have to work to and the pressure is not fair to put on your shoulders
    45% (21)60% (30)53% (51)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Being a stay home mother is not an easy job. I don't know how you guys work and divide the jobs when it comes to taking care of the house. But my dad wouldn't have to take care of me and my brother as much because my mom is a stay home mom. How old are your kids? If they're still very young, why wouldn't you want your wife to take care of them? I mean isn't the best to have your partner to raise and take care of the kids rather than have a nanny or a daycare to do the job? Do you have maids to sweep and mop or clean the dust, cook, do the laundry, iron your clothes, and all of that? If you do, I would understand why you want her to work cause she might need something to keep her sane. But if not and she's the one who does all of that, I wouldn't call her a lazy bum.

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    • Did you have to pay for her student loan? Is that what you're somewhat angry about?

    • No, I would never pay for that. I don't care if she is my wife because if we get divorced one day then all that money is gone.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Damn straight she's lazy. This is the 21st century and if women have equal rights they should have equal responsibilities as well.

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What Girls Said 28

  • I think it's very insulting that you refer to a stay at home Mom as a "lazy Mom".
    Do you have any idea how much they do?
    I'm not talking about the Stay at home mom's that neglect their children.
    But the real ones!
    They have to deal with temper tantrums, potty training, getting the kids dressed, cleaning, cooking, teaching their children, dedication, love. Often times you become so invested in your kids well-being that you neglect yourself.
    I don't see anything lazy in that.
    To me that deserves a badge and more!
    I think you should talk to your wife about what she wants to be, not in a condensing manner.
    You both have to come to a agreement on what you'd like her to do with her life.
    Insulting her and name calling is going to set up a war zone.
    Is that what you want?
    If you love this woman, respect her!

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    • Men have to take care of the kids as well though

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    • Thank God I was blessed with someone who appreciated what I did. Saying that's "lazy" is insulting. I wish a stay at home Mom could give you her kids for a full day, including house work, cooking and everything on top of it, and you'd see exactly how easy it is.
      The fact of the matter,
      Just talk to your girlfriend in a positive manner (non-judgmental).
      Your talk will be more successful that way.
      Best of wishes!

    • I completely agree with this. My mom was a stay at home mom (she homeschooled four kids) and the work she did was probably way more than what my dad did at his job.

  • I'm going to go against what appears to be the popular opinion, a stay at home Mom is not a lazy person if she is taking care of your children.

    Ever follow a stay at home Mom for a day or do her job for a week? Probably not she fills the jobs of: planner, nurse, counselor, nanny, teachers aid, cook, maid, taxi driver, nutritionist,,, that list could probably fill more room than there is to post here, any person who is doing all or even parts of those job functions isn't going to have the time to be particularly lazy! Just from observation, a stay at home Mom puts in far more than a 40 hour workweek. That's no where near being lazy!!! It contributes to your overall ability to maintain a higher level of earning, because your focus is on earning a decent living for your family.

    My Mom took time out of her career to be a stay at home Mom until my younger brother entered high school. She would probably say it was time well spent, I know my Dad would. I would love to take time off of my career if and when kiddos come along, probably not going to happen, but I would sure love to.

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    • Then why did women fight so hard for their careers?

    • Does your wife have a career? Is she taking time off to raise your children? Yes we have fought long and hard for careers, many of us in predominantly male dominated fields. We also recognize the value of raising our own versus paying someone to do it for us.

    • "Then why did women fight so hard for their careers? "

      Women fought to have CHOICES. And now we do.

      And one of those (valid) choices is to take time off from our careers to stay at home and raise children. Women and men have also fought hard to give men that choice as well, and while they are still a significant minority, many men have begun to take on the role of STAH caregiver when they are able.

  • I was going to say that she is being unfair if she decided to stay home just because of tha. Lt, (being lazy), but then you start saying, ". but women faught so long to be in the workforce. "

    That sentence made me feel that you would have been fine with her staying home but you are not because you have some sort of anger you have towards something... lol I don't know but I am sure I am close.

    Anyway, I agree with you but not because of the same reasons.

    I think she shouldn't quit her job just to be lazy.

    I know I wouldn't.

    But if it is for the kids. Then you both should discuss it and see if that works out. She can even get part time job if she wants.

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    • I am somewhat angry about it because women shove this ideology down my throat thay they an do what I do too and then say they want support.

  • I think it is valuable for moms to be somewhat available to raise your kids. Do you really want your kids getting raised by day care? However, I think that it is totally okay for you to want her to have some type of job. Maybe suggest a job that works while the kids are in school and then lets out fairly early so she can be there when the kids get home. If she is resistant to that, her behavior seems a little bit lazy to me. However, if her motivation is truly that she wants to spend time with and raise your kids, I think that's noble and that she would think about the part time job.
    For you, I would say try to take out the "I make more than her" mentality (if you have that), because you will most likely always make more than her and will be the main financial support for your family. The most important thing is that the two of you are a team for your children.

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    • Then why did women fight so much to be taken seriously in their careers? Why can't I stay at home? Forget that I earned that amount of money. I bet you I still couldn't stay home to raise my kids. Would you ever support a stay at home husband with no problem at all?

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    • even if I didn't make more, men still can't stay at home with the kids. There is a societal expectation for men to work. @Sara413

  • It depends.

    Staying at home doesn't necessarily mean she's a lazy bum, and I really don't think that's respectful to your wife for calling her that. I see your viewpoint, but you need to try harder to see your wife's. Do you even know why she wants what she wants? You don't seem to, plus this isn't necessarily for the rest of your lives, either.

    A stay at home mom with the job of housekeeping is a job in itself. It's a lot of work for a person. They're not lazy bums at all. Instead of the both of you getting all mad, communicate and actually talk and be open minded, listen and try to understand how she feels and how she thinks. Remember the basic principles of happiness.

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  • So you expect her to take care of the children, the house, AND work too? thats not equal in my opinion. expecting her to do that is like expecting her to do the bulk of the responsibilities and you calling her a lazy bum for staying home with the kids is wrong

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    • But what if they BOTH take care of the kids? OP never said that he doesn't help with the kids.

  • If she wants to stay home temporarily (for a few years til the youngest kid is in school full time) to take care of the kids and run the household more efficiently, then I think you should support her in that. You guys can obviously afford to live off of one income, so why not? Raising kids and keeping a house clean and having healthy meals prepared for breakfast, lunch and dinner is A LOT to manage with two people working full time. Having one partner stay home (the one who makes less at their outside job) can significantly reduce the stresses of parenthood. Besides, it's nicer for the kids to be raised full time by a parent than by daycare (not that there is anything wrong with daycare).

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    • However, if she just doesn't feel like working because "she doesn't have to" then I'd say that's an issue. She should want to contribute equally to the household/relationship/family, whether that is financially (by working) or productively (by taking full time care of the kids and home).

  • Women may have fought a long time to be in the workforce, but many would still like to raise their children properly and be a stay at home mom.

    Sure, it may not bring in any income but at least you know your children are being well taken care of and you're not going to need to spend that extra money for daycare or babysitters.

    I was medically released from the military at 17. I'm unable to work, and my husband still married me knowing I may never be able to work or receive an income to help us with the bills. Just early this year I starting getting compensated for earnings loss but it's been 6 years since my release.

    We never expected I'd receive any kind of compensation, but it was something he was willing to face. And he hardly makes the kind of money you make.

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    • That sounds hypocritical. I hope you give him sex regularly because I would expect it at that point. You want to still take care of your kids and work but the man has to always work

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    • So then you would support your husband if he didn't have a job and wanted to take care of the kids?

    • If I was working, sure. But I'm not and I'm already at home 24 hours so there would be no need for him not to work. I'll be a stay at home mum. There's no need for two parents to be at home. But like I said, if I was working and he wanted to take care of our children and if my salary could take care of all of us then why not. I would prefer my children being raised by their parents then by some stranger.

  • I chose option B. I agree that it's kinda lazy for your wife to make such a request. It basically sounds like she wants to sit at home and leech off of your income now that you have become successful. That's not right. I would propose that she doesn't become a stay at home mom until you two reach a certain income for your savings just so you don't have to deal with her being defensive.

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    • I don't want her to stay at home at all because women fought for their careers. I expect them to work too

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    • @Asker I see what you mean but you have to keep in mind that not all women have identical feelings when it comes to careers. I don't know your wife personally or her situation so I can't say for sure but she may be one of those women who likes the idea of being a stay at home mom or has always wanted to do but pursued a career because it was never realistic before. So to try and use a larger group of women and their desires to justify your response to her isn't exactly fair.

    • @ingridful012 That's a good point!

  • Dude... how could you even think this way about your own wife and mother of your kids? I want to jack u up by the neck myself. Stay at home moms do a heck of hard work taking care of the house, kids and the bills. If u both are working, you'll both come home too tired to keep the bedroom steamy. Don't u want to come home to a cooked meal, happy kids and a sexy wife ready to pleasure u? Dude, think of what you're turning down.

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  • This is just a troll that wants to start an anti-feminism debate with his constant reply "Then why did women fight so much to be taken seriously in their careers?"

    Don't feed the troll.

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    • no actually, I am an EXTREMELY PISSED that women want me to support my wife when she should be EXPECTED TO work to since men are expected to work.

    • It's the freaking guy's JOB to provide for his family. Duuuuh. What the heck u think being a husband does?

  • I think as long as you can afford a single income it is fine as long as she is willing to get a job if the finances change... She could also consider doing babysitting in the house to get some more money and to work on your children's social skills.

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  • Funny how she suddenly wants to "stay at home with the kids" as soon as you got a huge bonus.

    She sounds like a real prize.

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  • Stay at home moms are not "lazy bums", kids are exhausting. Also are your kids young enough to where they need a stay at home parent?

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    • But guys still have to take care of the kids any way

    • You take care of them while you're at work?

    • I'm all for women working, I don't and would never be a stay at home mom if I had children even though I don't want any lol but if the kids are in a reasonable age, before school starts then I don't see the harm in either parent staying at home if they choose to, especially the one who makes lesser income.

  • Stay at home parents can work well, my friend had a stay at home dad he was cool he used to make us pies and let us just eat and entire pie for lunch... anyways you have to find a compromise.

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  • Like... Does she want to stay home with the kids because they're young and she doesn't want to miss out on their childhoods or is it because she hates her job?

    Details.

    Also *fought

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  • no, no! don't let her do that. if she stays at home, you'll be responsible for all the bills and the debt... so she may end up doing is taking control of all the $. how? because if she buys stuff and racks up debt, none of it will be in her name. so she can just walk away and not have to deal with the consequences. and you'll be paying for it. if she keeps working, she won't be able to do that so easily, unless she wants to ruin her own finances.

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    • could you have a friend or family ember watch the kids if they're really young instead? I wouldn't want my partner to sah anyway, because I'd be jealous they got extra time with the kids when I didn't. why should they get more time with them, than me?

  • She sounds lazy. It doesn't sound as if she wants to stay at home to take care of the kids, but just to be lazy because you make good money. It makes me wonder if you two didn't have kids if she would want to stay at home too.

    I have nothing against stay at home moms. A few of my friends are and my mom did for the first few years of our lives. However, the moment we started school she went back to work.

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  • I choose B option, honestly what's fun staying at home and having fun on someone else's money even if he is your husband. I find it insult to someone's esteem to just laze around and be dependent on their significant other or on the matter of fact any other. Living on someone else's support while you are capable of working on your own makes you look like a lazy bum who is good for nothing, I hate the concept of dependency on whole.

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  • damn let me find a husband with that type of money... haha''

    but she can be a stay at home mom and work online while being with the kids.

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  • Get a part time job!

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    • She's gonna complain about the lack of sex if she stays at home and you are busting your chops to be be breadwinner. Whahaca...

    • HAHA if that was true, I would be glad to support her

  • support her but there's no reason for her not to have a job. my dad has the high paying job and my mum has worked part time to be around for me and my brother

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  • I am a stay home mom since my kids were born and my husband is a great provider. Believe me... I have LOTS of admiration and respect for him and is PRICELESS to be able to take care of my home and my kids. It is a LOT of work as well every single day. But I try my best and it is impossible to be "lazy" or someone thinking about it as a "easy: life style. No... Be a good man, let your kids enjoy this. If she is not sleeping all day or by the pool getting massages and drinking champagne every day, you should be PROUD of yourself for being such a good provider and give your kids and wife the safety and joy to stay with her family and take care of her family doing this other type of work. MY father did that and I can not imagine raising my kids with nanny, after school care , not being able to enjoy them during the day etc. Generosity comes from the heart. If you do not have joy and proud to do it as a real man and father / husband... I feel very sorry for your wife. If I was the one making good money for my family, I would be grateful to have my husband at home taking care of us in this different type of work.

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    • You say that but statistics show that women don't want men to stay at home and society looks down on men who stay at home.

  • I think that being a stay-a- home mom is called being lazy. If you're having so many damn kids, it's no wonder maintaining the house is a lot, duh! Though, being home means you don't have to pay for babysitting until the kids are old enough to be home alone. Plus, make the kids do chores (if they are old enough), so there's not that much that your wife has to do at home. But yeah, that's just me. And I've seen my mother clean, cook, take care of kids and work, so there shouldn't be an excuse for needing to become a stay at home mom. Yet, this is what I've grown up seeing: an

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  • It depends. Are they really young children? If they are young, and she takes care of them plus does housework, that is not being lazy. She is taking care of the house hold and your children; your family.

    Staying home lazing on the couch all day and not taking care of things would be bad, yes. If the roles were reversed and she had a great job she wanted to do and the man decided to stay at home with the children and did the house work, then that is great, too. I wouldn't think he was lazy or anything for doing that, unless he didn't do anything and was a couch potato.

    I like balance, and if one is making enough money, then one can stay at home with very young children. But if circumstances called for more money for food, keeping the lights on, etc. then she should maybe try at least a part time job, so she can take care of the kids when they aren't in school and work to bring in some income when they are.

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  • This is why I always say before engaged couples get married they should take a day or a few and talk about everything. Money, kids, who works and does what, what if one of us gets sick, last wishes, what kind of marriage we should have, how we're going to deal with in-laws etc.. After marriage everyone should stick to what was agreed upon. She is asking a bit much. If she stays home she shouldn't complain about her one taking care of the kids and doing all of the house work and cook. Me personally, I'd prefer to work, kids and washing and cleaning all day is much harder than working a 9-5 even with overtime lol. Especially if the kids are really young.

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  • The kids need their mother while they are young

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  • If she wants to stay at home so she can take better care of the kids, then you should support her. If she wants to stay at home so she can do nothing all day, then you should tell her to move her lazy ass.

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What Guys Said 24

  • You're looking at this wrong. Women did not fight for their careers, they fought for the right to make choices for themselves and their families.

    Your success in sales has made more choices possible. If it was the societal norm for women to be stay at home moms, you'd have no problem with that. In the world we live in, most women have to work ouside the home to help finance the household. It is only a very small fraction of women that can really afford to be without their own income.

    Questions:
    Do you resent the idea of having a choice of whether or not to work outside the home?

    Does the fact that you must work make you think that in fairness, your wife should have to work too?

    How about looking at this from your children's perspective. Do you think they would benefit from having a stay at home mom? Is it not worth having her be a stay at home mom if only for their benefit?

    Why this focus on fairness? Why not focus on how good your family life could be?

    You have an enviable luxury. Most guys would love to be in your circumstance. The fact that you find fault in your good fortune is disgusting.

    Your wife is unlikely to want to be a stay at home mom for the rest of her life. I think her motivation is focused on the best interests of the children. One day they will all be in school and wrapped up in their own interests. When that time comes, she will likely seek employment to keep herself mentally engaged, socially involved and occupied with her time.

    Both of my sisters were stay at home moms when their children were young. Both sought employment when their children were older.

    I think you are making a problem where there isn't one.

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  • Uh that's pretty insulting, my own mother is a stay at home mother, works her butt off and works just as hard as my father who was a miner and is now a factory worker. Just because a women wants to be a stay at home mother does not mean they will be lazy being a stay at home mother is a very tough job, also women didn't just fight to be in the workforce they fought to have the right to choose what they would like to do. Whether that is a traditional gender role or working a job, they have equal right to choose either.

    When a women takes away from her job and decides to be a stay at home mother to take care of the kids, trust me she isn't going to be lazy or even have time to be lazy.

    And no women taking care of the kids and men taking care of the kids is not even in the same league. Stay at home women spend the entire day cleaning everything, picking up after the kids, keeping them out of trouble, dealing with them, their fits, crying. Cooking all the meals, getting them up in them morning etc. Men generally working ones come home and spend a few hours with them, it's not even the same thing, so don't even pretend it is.

    And really at the end of the day it's not your decision or your choice, a marriage is a partnership not a hierarchy.

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  • Dude, just because YOU work really hard doesn't mean your wife has to suddenly match your output.

    If you're working hard and you're making money and being the breadwinner, then that's great for you! You're being a good husband and a good father by providing for your family.

    Now, after you've made so much money, does she HAVE to go to work like she did before you cut this deal? Raising kids is a full-time job. You don't get paid to do it, and our country is WAY behind the rest of the developed world in terms of paid parental leave, so it's something that's very important but also very undervalued in our culture and our economy. But don't let that economic outlook make you think you and your wife should suddenly start working 60 hours per week so your kids can be neglected.

    Taking care of your kids is important. And if you really landed yourself a quarter of a million dollars, YOU should probably consider taking a bit of a break from work and focus on raising your kids too.

    Being a good father and a good husband is about more than just providing for your family; it's also about CARING for your family.

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  • "women faught so long to be in the workforce"

    It doesn't matter what other women fought for. It only matters what you and she thinks about it. To be honest, I don't know how you could marry someone and not know how she feels about this kind of thing. There are still LOTS of women who want to be housewives. Around where I live it's probably close to 50% of younger couples with kids.

    If you are making the money, why not support her and the kids? Why not give the kids a full time mom? She can also do other things to reduce the household workload. There is always more than enough stuff needing done. If the finances are OK, it can relieve that constant feeling of all the things that need done around the house, but never seem to get done.

    You guys need to decide this together. But there is certainly nothing wrong with it. It's a personal choice for the two of you.

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  • Well its your money therefore you descide. If she wishes a traditional marriage and you can afford that then I say go for it, just remind her that she is expected to cook clean take care of the kids have sex with you when ever you want it etc. After all if your stuck in the traditional male role, its only fair that she be in hers as well. In fact, despite our current economic system being crap, the original model worked well, it benefited the kids and since she cooked and cleaned it also meant the man didn't have to come home after working all day and cook and clean and take care of the kids too. It could be good, but really only so long as she holds her end of the deal, you are providing everything after all and if she can't respect that then she isn't capable of handling a division of labor.

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  • So much information missing here. How old are the kids? Are they at school? I firmly believe that young pre-school kids should have mum at home. You didn't have them so they are farmed out to other people. It's damned hard work being a mum of two kids. I guess there's all the cooking, washing, ironing, housework etc to do as well.

    On the face of it, I think you are being grossly unfair on your wife. Take two weeks off work. Let your wife go stay with her family. Then YOU look after kids and home!! I think you'll find it a lot different to what you think!!

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  • it's up to you two but staying at home and raising a family doesn't make a person lazy.

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  • How old are your children? Having a parent at home is extremely important for children and the lack of parents at home accounts for some of the problems we see today.

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  • The choice of word support is wrong. It is your duty to be there for your family. Stop being like this and go be the man.
    Her greatest obligation is to her children and the husband not in the workforce where she can't devote to her children, and do you want your children to feel like they own you for being normal?
    Don't let the money make you greedy and respect her wishes.

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    • "go be a man"- this phrase is so incredibly sexist. Don't define what men are suppose to be.

    • I don't think it is sexist. I say to girls here and they don't mind it.
      Look if you don't want to do it; it is your choice.

  • Sure, you've paid of THIS house, but what's to say that in a couple of years time, she isn't going to want a bigger, newer, shinier one with a Jacuzzi and ensuites in every room, and a big ass kitchen?

    The argument that stay at home moms makes better children is bullshit. There are plenty of murderers, rapists and corrupt politicians with stay at home moms.

    The fact is, you're still young. Your children are still young. There are plenty of big expenses ahead of you. You guys will do a better job of being good parents if you made enough money together to put your kids through college without taking out a student loan, and have an international family holiday every year, rather than to have one parent stick around, doing the laundry and making sure that the homework is done.

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  • who else would handle the kids?

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  • what the hell is wrong with you?
    "After all of that she says she now wants to stay at home with the kids"
    "I don't want her to be a lazy bum."
    She's the mother of your children! You should be so happy and fortunate you make enough money to provide your children with a full time mother to secure their naturing and personal growth. Instead of a day care system.

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    • That is not what women wanted. They wanted careers.

    • Your generalizing. Some woman are very motherly and naturing and probably value raising their children more than a career. Gives them more satisfaction.

  • Tell her to get a job like every other fucker has to.

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  • I can see both sides of the argument. On one hand, having one parent stay at home to raise the children as opposed to having them in daycare is valuable. but on the other, having two incomes in the world we live in is important. You don't know how long that sales streak is gonna last.

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  • What type of sales or company do you work for? I have never in my life heard of 50% commission on a million dollar sale.

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    • And two kids after insinuating that they both went through uni. Do they have two kids under 2?

  • I'm not even sure if I have anything nice or brute to say...

    You're married. That's how married couple's life is. You do your part, she does her's. If you don't like it, then apply changes you find are solutions.

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  • You have enough responsiblities and she must be more understanding, of course she has responsiblities and busy as well. But I think after ur work in ur busy schedule asking you to take care kids and other homeworks will be unfair... I don't mean she is lazy or whatever but u have ur own company and she has... Everyone must do his/her work...

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  • If she has legitimist reason, than support her, but if she just doesn't want to work no she should get a part time job to help

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  • She shouldn't depend on you.
    You were right to tell her to get off her ass and find a job.
    You shouldn't be her source for money.

    As for the people that say being a stay at home mom is a lot of work, you can always hire a nanny to help out.

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  • You married her, you support her

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  • I don't believe your situation but yes she's trying to take advantage of you.

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  • I see your angle but I actually say support her. Here's why. Some of the most successful families follow the traditional patriarchal approach. The woman takes care of the home and family matters enabling the man to focus on his career. Modernism screams that this is not okay, but in reality it's a setup that helps you focus on what matters. Read "though shall prosper" and "the millionaire next door" to learn more. Congrats on the huge sale by the way. You are light years ahead for a man your age.

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  • I would ask yourself, and her, WHY does she want to do this. I believe that simply assuming that she just wants to stay home and be lazy may be jumping to a conclusion too early. If you are able to support the two of you and she wants to spend more time with your kids and you are good with that support her decision.

    Being a stay at home parent is anything but being lazy. I was raised by one, and somewhere in the "fighting so long and hard" to be in the workforce, stay at home parents got a bad wrap as "lazy."

    Now if she wants to stay at home with a full time nanny/maid/cook that is just being lazy. If she really wants to spend more time with the kids, that isn't.

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