Afraid of what the future may hold?

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we've planned to get married in 2018, so by then we will have been together for 5. My boyfriend is a really honest and sweet person, and even when he tells me stuff that he knows might upset me, he still tells me if he feels like I need to know. I come from a history of cheating/flirty boyfriends and it's hard for me to comprehend that some guys are just honest. My mom was cheated on my both my dad and ex step dad, so I have trouble accepting it. I'm really afraid of commitment to anyone because I don't want to end up getting cheated on when I'm married and have kids. I am already pretty jealous of my boyfriend when it comes to any other girl, even lesbians he works with, and I am just afraid that my insecurities will eventually turn him off from me and he will either break up with me or cheat on me because I feel like me being jealous is a way of accusing him of cheating, so I feel like I might send him over the edge one day with my accusations. I don't know what to do, I just want to be happy with him because I know he truly loves me, I just have so much fear of "what if"s. What if he gets bored, what if he meets a girl he likes more than me one day, what if when we have kids things get too stressful, etc. how can I avoid these thoughts and just live out a normal relationship with him?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This is a really tricky situation, because you have been conditioned to not trust men, but in the end what it boils down to is that you have to trust him.
    That sounds simple but also very difficult. Trust him and you'll be happy, he'll be happy, you'll live out happy lives together. But how to trust him?
    There's a few things you might want to try. Firstly, you might want to talk out your concerns and feelings with him. The really important part about this is that you must try to avoid accusing him, and try to have a general conversation about your feelings. So rather than saying "I see you're going out with *insert female friend's name* again, I feel insecure about this", you should say "I sometimes have worries and niggles at the back of my mind that one day you're going to leave me for somebody else. I know that you love me now, but my past experiences continue to affect my ability to trust".
    Another option is to talk to friends, family, or a doctor/psychologist about how you feel. Effectively you are having irrational thoughts - you have all the evidence in front of you that your boyfriend loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but you refuse to accept it. This is a psychological condition and speaking with others might help you overcome your past experiences and focus on what's happening in front of you now.
    A 3rd option is to just gather new evidence to slowly alter your perceptions of men. Look around you and focus on the positives. So look for happy, healthly, long-term relationships in your friends and family and think about the men in those relationships who have demonstrated that they can be trusted. Look at your boyfriend. Focus (maybe even make a list) on all the things he does for you that show how much le loves you. Does he give you lots of his time? Does he sometimes put you ahead of himself? Does he sometimes put you ahead of his friends? Does he spend money on you? Does he look happy when he's around you? Does he do nice things for you? Does he say that he's happy and that he loves you? Does he invest emotionally in you?
    Finally, I just want to say that if you are currently in a happy relationship, your boyfriend is unlikely to leave you unless something major happens. Leaving a loving relationship is a very difficult thing to do, so the thought of him "finding someone better" would be a huge risk and sad thing for him.
    So enjoy the moment. Take stock of what is around you. Try to let go of the past and appreciate now.

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What Guys Said 2

  • First, always remember that the only thing you have to fear is fear itself. If fear is undermining your relationship, then you need to do what's necessary to eliminate the fear.

    Men normally cheat because their sexual, emotional and psychological needs are not being met sufficiently at home. So bear that in mind, and do what you can to have an open, honest, supportive, thoughtful relationship in which sexual and personal fulfillment are taken seriously and attended to happily.

    Let me say finally that planning for a wedding three years in advance is a bit of a red flag. I'm not clear on the advantages of that. It doesn't bode well. It's odd to plan for any major life event that far in the future. It's your call, of course, but if you were my offspring, my counsel would be that that alone indicates fundamental trouble in the relationship.

    Good luck.

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    • It's just something we talked about and agreed we both wanted. the 3 years is because I'm in school until then. And I think I'm mostly afraid he will meet a girl he liked more than me one day... Do guys usually cheat because of this or do they break up first or just try to ignore the feelings? When I meet a guy I might like I just pretty much avoid him because I know it would be trouble to even get involved with a "platonic" relationship with someone I find attractive.

    • No the planning for three years isn't "just" anything. :) It's a major indicator of the health of your relationship, in a way of which you don't seem really aware. But it is your call. The core question is, why wait? What do you think marriage is if it's somehow inconsistent or incompatible with being in school, any more than being in work?

      If the door is open to his meeting a girl he likes more than you, then that's a red flag. You should marry the love of your life for a lot of profound, forever-type reasons which preclude "meeting someone you like more." I could NEVER meet someone I "like more" than the love of my life. So neither she nor I has the concerns you're talking about. If you're not the love of his life, infidelity is already a prospect, etc., then at a minimum you need to have some very serious discussions with him. This touches on the three-year-plan business.

      Really not a good sign if you feel you can't interact with someone you find attractive. That's a daily thing.

  • Why do you need to get married? Being married won't guarantee that he will stay.

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    • It's just something we talk about and both want. If he didn't want to get married I wouldn't force it on him

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    • @billy_young However, that won't stop him from cheating. It's going to cost him a lot of money, and people will still get divorced. Divorce rates have slightly dropped, but it's still around 50%.

    • In the UK around 30% of marriages end in divorce.
      But yeah, I get your point.
      You shouldn't get married as a way of 'tying down' your partner, or as a way of making yourself feel more secure, because then you're just masking the truth. However if you both want to get married because you both feel that you want to spend the rest of your lives together then that is a wonderful thing and shows how much you both love each other.

What Girls Said 1

  • I assume that your boyfriend has been transparent about his relationship history. If he doesn't have a history of cheating or anything that raises a red flag, then I wouldn't worry about it. It can be traumatizing to be with guy after guy cheating on you and also have evidence from the men your mom was with having cheated as well, but guys do exist that are honest and loyal. My boyfriend is 150% trustworthy and honest for example.

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