I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we've planned to get married in 2018, so by then we will have been together for 5. My boyfriend is a really honest and sweet person, and even when he tells me stuff that he knows might upset me, he still tells me if he feels like I need to know. I come from a history of cheating/flirty boyfriends and it's hard for me to comprehend that some guys are just honest. My mom was cheated on my both my dad and ex step dad, so I have trouble accepting it. I'm really afraid of commitment to anyone because I don't want to end up getting cheated on when I'm married and have kids. I am already pretty jealous of my boyfriend when it comes to any other girl, even lesbians he works with, and I am just afraid that my insecurities will eventually turn him off from me and he will either break up with me or cheat on me because I feel like me being jealous is a way of accusing him of cheating, so I feel like I might send him over the edge one day with my accusations. I don't know what to do, I just want to be happy with him because I know he truly loves me, I just have so much fear of "what if"s. What if he gets bored, what if he meets a girl he likes more than me one day, what if when we have kids things get too stressful, etc. how can I avoid these thoughts and just live out a normal relationship with him?
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This is a really tricky situation, because you have been conditioned to not trust men, but in the end what it boils down to is that you have to trust him.
That sounds simple but also very difficult. Trust him and you'll be happy, he'll be happy, you'll live out happy lives together. But how to trust him?
There's a few things you might want to try. Firstly, you might want to talk out your concerns and feelings with him. The really important part about this is that you must try to avoid accusing him, and try to have a general conversation about your feelings. So rather than saying "I see you're going out with *insert female friend's name* again, I feel insecure about this", you should say "I sometimes have worries and niggles at the back of my mind that one day you're going to leave me for somebody else. I know that you love me now, but my past experiences continue to affect my ability to trust".
Another option is to talk to friends, family, or a doctor/psychologist about how you feel. Effectively you are having irrational thoughts - you have all the evidence in front of you that your boyfriend loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but you refuse to accept it. This is a psychological condition and speaking with others might help you overcome your past experiences and focus on what's happening in front of you now.
A 3rd option is to just gather new evidence to slowly alter your perceptions of men. Look around you and focus on the positives. So look for happy, healthly, long-term relationships in your friends and family and think about the men in those relationships who have demonstrated that they can be trusted. Look at your boyfriend. Focus (maybe even make a list) on all the things he does for you that show how much le loves you. Does he give you lots of his time? Does he sometimes put you ahead of himself? Does he sometimes put you ahead of his friends? Does he spend money on you? Does he look happy when he's around you? Does he do nice things for you? Does he say that he's happy and that he loves you? Does he invest emotionally in you?
Finally, I just want to say that if you are currently in a happy relationship, your boyfriend is unlikely to leave you unless something major happens. Leaving a loving relationship is a very difficult thing to do, so the thought of him "finding someone better" would be a huge risk and sad thing for him.
So enjoy the moment. Take stock of what is around you. Try to let go of the past and appreciate now.1