Do you think that people who are "waiting until marriage" are actually guilt-tripping their partner into signing papers by withholding sex?

Because you know, "you don't truly love me unless you actually marry me, and THEN I MIGHT have sex with you, MAYBE, although I don't actually OWE you sex so don't be prissy if I don't, BUT please note that you signed the piece of paper so don't even think about cheating with someone else, be faithful to my abstinence, will ya?".

  • YES, it is guilt tripping
    16% (14)52% (33)31% (47)Vote
  • NO, it is not guilt tripping
    84% (75)48% (30)69% (105)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It really depends on the person. I'm sure there are people who use it as a guilt-trip. But they would be in the minority. Most people who are saving themselves are doing it for religious reasons or saving themselves for someone who they truly love and who loves them.

    I can see how it can seem like a guilt trip. But I think most people just want to be with someone who cares about them. It can be hard going through relationships and having the person use you and stuff. I've been through that many times and it hurts so much.

    I didn't wait. But I've been thinking about just staying celibate for a while because I'm having a hard time finding someone worth my time lol.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Not necessarily but it may come off that way. I think the whole "no sex until marriage" is stupid. People (women) mostly do it because they have been brought up hearing about how it used to be done and how back then it was magical n shit. What they fail to realize is that "back then" when a teenage girl or boy thought about sex after marriage, they thought about sex that was about to happen relatively soon. If you were starting to think about sex when 13 or so, you weren't far off from getting married and actually having sex.
    Nowadays people marry way later in life than they used to and to withhold sex for that long is not exactly the best idea.

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What Girls Said 23

  • I'm waiting.

    It's not a guilt trip. It's a personal choice. One that was discussed between myself and my boyfriend and agreed upon BEFORE entering into the relationship. It's not like I got him to date me and then dropped that bomb.

    We knew (and agreed with) each other's views/value system before we started dating. We were aware of where the other stood on that subject.

    There was no trickery involved.

    By agreeing to be with me he has only agreed to be faithful to me and take our relationship seriously. We both view dating as the way to find a spouse. He's not agreeing to marry me by agreeing to date me.

    If he wasn't on board with the waiting (that he knew about before we started dating) he either could break up with me or could have said no when I asked him out in the first place :p

    As it is, we're 4 years in, have a ring picked out, and have discussed the potential of us getting married with our parents... so I mean, NOW he's kind of agreed to marry me, but you get the gist.

    It's simple. He's more than welcome, if he desires, to go sleep with other people. But he cannot have me and sleep with other people. It's one or the other. Likewise I cannot have him and sleep with other people.

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  • I don't think so. As a non-virgin who adores every part of sex, I agree that if you truly love someone you will wait. If you really love someone, there's nothing you won't do for them or at least compromise and find a way to make it work in order to keep them in your journey. I don't think that people who choose to wait until marriage necessarily have a negative or malicious agenda by guilting someone into signing papers but that they simply do not wish to have sex before marriage for whatever reason. You seem to have a very harsh tone?

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  • Honestly I think you are rdiculous.
    You are so amazingly intolerant of anyone with different views or lifestyles or preferences.

    Some people believe sex is best reserved for marriage. I personally don't feel that way, but some people do. The people that tend to feel that way are pretty upfront about it so the personthey get involved with isn't shocked or tricked into anything. And if someone marries their bf/gf just so they can get sex THEY are the problem. They're fucking stupid.

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    • There's nothing wrong with any lifestyles as long as it's considerate of others in the context in which they are relevant :P

    • Nothing wrong? You sure seem to have an issue with it

  • Waiting until marriage for sex is just something that I've read in American forums. American society still has a very bigoted culture scared of sex, this is also the reason the term losing virginity that in Europe is not very common among youngest (at least not in Italy), it's super used by teens, they really think they lose something doing sex, and this is related to the old religious society of asex making someone and especially a woman, losing their purity.

    The idea of signing a contract for having sex is utterly ridicolous, and since a lot of so called virgins actually do sexual activity like oral sex, they're hypocritical. They're sexual activity, they just don't do one specific act because they believe it will make lose something important. Few things are as illogical as this kind of mentality.

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  • No, I don't think people are abstinent until marriage just to guilt trip anybody. You'd have to be a special kind of asshole to consciously do that.

    But I can totally see why it comes across that way.

    Solution? Don't date people who want to wait until marriage. Simples.

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  • I just realized I haven't been on this site in months. -.-
    Then I look at some of the comments and remember why. Yes, I can see why some would consider it guilt-tripping. I guess I could boil it down to this: "If he loves and respects me, he will respect my wish and wait for sex!" If that is the case, why is it frowned upon when you hear: "If SHE loves and respects me, she will respect my wish and give me sex!" I see no reason why females' desires should be valued before the males'. It is not a healthy partnership if there is no compromise...

    In the end, though, I'd call it mere selfishness and not guilt-tripping. You want equal rights, ladies? Get off your high horses.

    Brace yourselves... the downvotes are coming. And I welcome them.

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  • There are three types of people in respect to this line of thinking: 1) those who choose morality over sexuality 2) those who choose sexuality over morality and 3) those who believe that the two don't necessarily have to be exclusive of each other. Just choose a girl who falls into the same category you do, and it will make perfect sense instead of feeling like manipulation.

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  • if both people in the relationship are okay with this dynamic at the start of the relationship, that's all fine and well. for example, my best friend decided to save herself for marriage. when she started seeing her current man, she was honest with him about her choice and he was on-board with it. therefore, they're both aware of where the other stands and no one is being led on or otherwise being deceitful.

    that said, we all know at least one person who's done the guilt trip; either 1) woman pressures man into marrying her by withholding sex, or 2) man wants a "virgin bride" and woman feels pressured into conforming to his wishes by suppressing her own needs... and lying is not cool, mmkay?

    i chose not to wait, my main reason being that i had no interest in marriage (and forever is a long time to be celibate, lol). i dated for years, though sex was reserved for monogamous long-term relationships. and, by the time i finally met my soulmate, both of knew what we wanted, in and out of the bedroom.

    (we've only been together for a year, though he has completely changed my mind about marriage... we're both older (he's 31 and i'm almost 29), and at least i know i'll be spending the rest of my life with someone who is my equal, both in the sack and in every other sense of the word.

    -von "love is a word, marriage is a sentence" asaurus

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  • I don't think this is what most people do. Most people ask their partner to wait because of values, not malicious intent. And it's so crazy how so many guys honestly believe this is guilt tripping, having your values is malicious. And asking someone to wait is not inherently malicious in nature. I'm not even religious (the most common reason people wait) and I'm not a virgin, and I still don't think people who ask their partner to wait are guilt tripping. They're just standing up for their values, and that's better than them bending and regretting the decision.

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  • No I think they have legitimate moral reasons for doing so. Just because you believe religion to be hogwash doesn't mean others don't strongly feel it and want to live its teaching.

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  • What? LOL. Is this a conspiracy theory sorta thing? Nah. Peoples' reasons for waiting until marriage usually have nothing to do with their partners and everything to do with their belief systems.

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    • Well technically if it's part of your belief that your partner doesn't truly love you unless they're "willing to show it by marrying you and otherwise cannot be trusted", then yeah, that still has to do with their partners, except the person of their partner is irrelevant.

    • I dont really look at it like that, but that reasoning seems humanly fair to me honestly. Like, if I told someone I was a virgin and he wanted to be safe and asked for an STD test, I wouldn't flip out and cry that he didn't truly love me since he didn't trust me. Doesn't have to be about the partner in this case as much as it has to do with health.

    • When you think about it, we've all been lied to by someone we loved. And heck, we've probably all lied to people we've loved. Sometimes I see marriage as factoring in humanity without going through the arguments of "but you don't trust me?", but I mostly consider it because I'm from a traditional culture where it's expected so I want to honor it for the sake of peace and structure. I don't care if my partner was a virgin or not. I chose to be, so I hope he doesn't mind. I won't use my virginity against him either lol that just seems odd to me. Also, the legal rights I'm cool with. One of the legal rights that uniquely affected my life is your spouse automatically is legally considered your next of kin if you get so sick or injured and can't make your own decisions. What happens to you is trusted in their hands legally. It came up in my mom's end of life care.

  • I believe that a lot of women that wait until marriage are guilt trip into waiting themselves. They'll feel bad about letting their parents and their god as well as their future husband down.

    My advice for any man dealing with a woman like this:

    If you aren't willing to wait, step down and let someone else marry them. You aren't wanting to and that's okay, there are plenty of women that do not care to wait for marriage. Chose that woman, the one that matches your ideals, for a temporary fling, or a more stable relationship. Stop trying to change someone just, because you want to have sex with this individual, it's not worth the frustration.

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  • It's not guilty tripping because the person who wants sex always has the option to leave. It's not like they're forcing you to stay with them.

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  • You signed up for the relationship before the marriage. If you don't like it, get out.

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  • Possibly in other cultures? Not sure but they'd probably get stoned to death somewhere in this world if they said they haven't had sex and then they actually have had it?
    Digressing. Sorry.
    I'd settle for 'in the western world: no' well unless you really need that marriage for financial reasons, but then you're probably not really a virgin anymore anyway ;-)

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    • If someone had sex outside marriage u can't take him and stone him he must tell u I wanna be stoned other than that u can't stone him really

  • It's an outdated ideology in my opinion. And likely one that would fade even faster without religion.

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  • No. I don't think its guilt tripping. It could be because of religion and if someone can't respect someone personal decision and religion then they don't love them. People needing to know if they are compatible before marriage is a poor excuse they use. If you are married then you are already compatible.

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  • I don't think so. There might be some that are doing this, but I don't think that is the intention for others wanting to wait. I am on the fence on marriage, it might not be for me but I do not sleep around either. For me, having sex is intimate and personal, so I need to trust my partner. Trust takes time to be earned, but I am not with holding sex to get back at him, guilt trip or other reasons. I am just waiting until I feel right and good about it. I would also wait if the guy wasn't ready.

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  • The holding out partner usually has strong sexual urges too... Most of the time there are religious reasons.

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  • Marriage screams comittment. Men are afraid of committment. Will it stop them from cheating? Nah. But when you have your family at your wedding and a legal document that binds you and it costs a lot of money, it just shows that you are ready for a family. Some people dont want casual sex they want to have a long term relationship and will only be willing to have sex when they are in one. Get over it and stop being butt hurt.

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    • Soooooooo you're saying you distrust all men unless they sign papers because you think they are "by nature afraid of commitment because they have a penis".

      Okayyyy.

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    • ... women have one night stands too. typically with the men whom they are having one night stands with. I'm pretty sure they are just as emotionally detached as well.

    • Its not as common though :) And those girls dont want a relationship. But if someone wants marraige before sex then they are looking for that comittment.

  • No, nobody is forcing the person to stay with them. They can move on and have sex anywhere with anyone.

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  • I have no problem with people who wait for sex, but my problem is the fact that Most virgins who wait for sex until marriage have engaged in some kind of sexual activity:giving/receiving oral sex, anal sex

    And still want to look down on people who don't wait until marriage when they still have revealed their bodies to their partner

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  • There are many reasons why people wait till marriage but one of them is to ensure that they are in a committed relationship and can enjoy sex without having to worry about being used for sex or being dumped. It brings stability to the relationship which is something many women want. Sex just feels better knowing your guy has made a vow to be with you and that he truly loves you and wants to spend his life with you. There's nothing selfish or "guilt tripping" about it. It's out of love and wanted to feel cherished ans special that leads people to make that decision. You clearly don't get why many people wait for marriage.

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    • "" your guy has made a vow to be with you and that he truly loves you and wants to spend his life with you. It's out of love and wanted to feel cherished and special ""

      But you can have all that without actually buying rings and signing papers. Sure, divorce makes breaking up more difficult and more costly, but is that really what shows if someone is invested in you or not?

    • Cool so you don't like marriage. That's not the issue here. I just answered your question, no need to change the topic.

    • I just think it's superfluous compared to its purpose.

What Guys Said 24

  • If both parties agree and individually hold the same values, then it's not guilt tripping but rather a successful compatibility test.

    If there is substantial disagreement about this issue or any others of significance, that may be a reason to not get married in the first place.

    As far as guilt tripping goes, it is just as easy for the partner that wants to begin sexual activity to guilt the other into violating their own beliefs.

    Ultimately, the best result for each individual is obtained by finding someone for whom you don't have to change and who need not change for you.

    Look for compatible partners, then there is no guilt.

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  • If they actually say "you don't truly love me unless you actually marry me" then yeah that's guilt tripping.

    However if they want to wait and are understanding of the fact that not everyone will hold the same values as they do then I think it's fine.

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  • I think those women are fucking crazy and making one of the biggest mistakes of their life. 99% guarenteed they will regret it at some point. They are putting way too much value on sex and virginity, it means nothing. your just setting yourself up for severe disappointment and potentially a fast end to marriage.
    any guy willing to be pressured into marriage to fuck someone is an idiot and deserves the whackjob he is marrying.

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    • If sex means nothing then why are men after it?

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    • @dimples123 That is not neccessarily true. It is true you can get better at things. But can you really describe WHY something turns you on? And if your both virgins, you really don't know many things. Some things that you might think will feel great or be a huge turn on when imagining them, could turn out to be the opposite in real life. Also, once you get into it you may find you have ideas of sex too different from each other. No matter how you slice it up, the risk of issues are too high. Some like to think having a disappointing and frustrating sex life during marriage is no big thing. I have seen a number of people have their marriages collapse due to it. it breeds frustration and resentment which inevitably bleeds into other parts of your relationship. Soon your snapping at each other over other things. The only positive part of waiting is you won't have an STD. nothing else. And what if you don't find someone to marry until your 30? or 40?

    • the older a woman gets and is still a virgin the more negative she looks. things start going through a guys thoughts like... is she so high maintenance she can't find someone? is she crazy? is she a religious nut? what other issues does she have that she hasn't fucked anyone this long?

  • Some definitely are, but the majority aren't.

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  • I believe you've hit the nail on the head. Marriage is a man made thing. Sex is natural. People fight their desires all the time to appease our crazy society and it's crazy rules and then moan they're all fucked up. I'm depressed coz I never done enough when I was younger. Well don't fucking whine about it to me. You were a bloody stick in the mud live with the consequences. Besides what if they get back to the room after the wedding looking for their first shag and he's got a dick like a bit of thread and she's got a cunt you could park a car in? That's going to be wedded bliss isn't it? Fuckin doughballs

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  • It's not a guilt trip at all and the other person would already know that their partner is waiting long before the engagement period. So if they feel as if it's a guilt trip they just don't want to understand.

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  • I fucking love your mindset + question/s as usual and yeah "YES, it is guilt tripping" IMHO.

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    • "I'm waiting for marriage" like WTF is ___ waiting for? Since it's not like they couldn't have "sex" before the "wedding", right? So basically, in my mind, it translates to "I'm scared that if I gave you my cookie... you wouldn't want me anymore. So I'm going to make sure by law that you can't go anywhere without losing your life's earnings" LOL

      OFC I'm not talking about the "religious folks" of the world either.

  • I'm sure some people have that mentality, but that's not the default reason why people wait until marriage. Often times it's for religious reasons, other times it's because they want to make their first time more special and meaningful by having it with their spouse.

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  • No not really, but most people who think that think that they will be like undumped proof lol. Also its a good deal especially for women its like if the marriage doesn't work out at least I can get some of your belongings and your money and divorce you because I am bitter about the relationship instead of just separating.

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  • Perhaps they just want a happier marriage:
    archive.sltrib.com/.../...p-sex-byu-busby.html.csp
    Take what you will from it being from BYU. I can't find the actual study and I'm losing interest. If you're interested you can probably find it somewhere.

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    • I've heard that one before, and I really think that's a "correlation does not imply causation" thing. Happiness in a marriage is based on MANY factors, and saying "oh, not having sex previously made them happy" just sounds like propaganda. You don't need to not have sex to be able to communicate with your partner; in fact, I'd even wager that sex is also a type of communication. Which is why if it sucks, people tend to break up eventually.

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    • That's reasonable.

    • Also, if all marriage is to a couple is a piece of paper for tax purposes, then there's not really much point in waiting.

  • Or maybe they are trying to safeguard themselves from the people who will just dump you after sleeping with you.

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    • I think if you need someone to make a legal pact with you in order for you to trust them in terms of romance then you are terrible at getting to know people and I feel bad for your partner. You is hypothetical.

    • Why? Businessmen do that all the time, and usually they are the one with the most contacts.

      "Legal pact with you in order for you to trust them" ... "terrible at getting to know people"

    • In terms of romance, as I added. :p

      In terms of business, people want you to get job done with them paying you as little money as possible. Of course you need pacts. Just like how web designers tend to place in hooks to take down the whole site if their contractor is not willing to pay.

  • It depends on the person. Some people are virgins and are waiting due to religious beliefs, their own protection of being emotionally hurt, or just to play mind games with a person.

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  • Just don't date them...

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  • Values of old times are becoming guilt-trip of new times.

    Change happens.

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  • I think waiting until marriage is stupid and hypocritical anyway, so yes, that's basically part of it.

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  • no. they are not.

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  • for me its a religious issue why people wait

    or std. i'm scared of stds.

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  • Bitch you want it as much as I do, quit the foreplay, it's been going on long enough.

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    • Seriously, though - nobody "owes" noone sex, you just do it because it's INSTINCT. This legal bullshit is completely out of the picture, the reasons are more material if anything. Sex is just a ploy, to get your handwriting going.

  • It's not guilt tripping if you clearly discuss it from the beginning of the relationship. It's understandable marriage is a lifelong commitment that takes some time to be sure of. So if someone is hesitant to propose at a certain point in time it's not necessarily indicative that they don't love their boyfriend/girlfriend.

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  • No, I don't think so.

    I think your 'waiting' people fall into two camps.

    Group 1 is waiting because they morally believe sex is for marriage. When they meet the right person they can't wait to get married. It truly matters to them.

    Group 2 is waiting 'for marriage' and is in no hurry to get married. They simply don't want sex, and are using 'for marriage' as a culturally accepted far off point in the future to shove the problem away till.

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  • 50-50 Split of your stuff if it doesn't work out. Most marriages don't work out these days

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  • I don't think it's guilt tripping. I think it's mostly fear. As in they're afraid that not waiting will have a worse outcome than waiting.

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  • I'm currently in a situation like that she said no sex till marriage but the thing is he's already had lots of it in the past and even has a little kid. But I have to wait till marriage to get any I don't get it

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  • I would never take that chance that's why I would never agree to that

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