Can I invite my dad but not my mom?

My parents are married and have been for 30 years.

I have an incredible relationship with my father and want him to walk me down the isle.

My mother and I never had a strong relationship. We only just recently got to the point where we could tolerate each other. Our relationship in the past has included a lot of instances of her reducing me to tears over rather minor offenses (didn't load the dishwasher correctly, didn't fold the clothes right, was late to places, etc.) I admit that I messed up a bit growing up but nothing major. I got a few bad grades but I was mostly an A student. But if I got less than an A I'd get ripped a new one. I thought maybe we were building a relationship with each other at last but I recently learned that she has been hacking my personal email and facebook, and opening mail that has accidentally been delivered to her house but was addressed to me.

Just in case you're wondering... those are straight up illegal things to do. I'm pretty livid about it.

I am also engaged and planning a wedding (April 2016). It's almost completely planned.

But I am so furious with this recent discovery of her actions that I want to cancel the wedding and just go to a courthouse and get married. I'd still want my dad there though so I'd ask him to be one of my witnesses.

Is it wrong?

Since I've gotten engaged she's really tried to build a relationship with me. She always lamented the fact that her friends have gushed about the awesome relationships they have with their daughters and she could never relate.

But I'm so angry with her.

Can I cancel the wedding and just do the courthouse thing? Or should I go through with the formal wedding?

My parents have agreed to pay for the wedding and the majority of it is already paid for and I would feel very bad that my dad was out all that money and I'd feel bad that I denied my fiancee a wedding (something he really wants) but I don't want to get married with her there and I despite how mad I am, I don't want to extend her the very public embarrassment of not being in attendance at a public wedding.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well it's your choice, if you don't want her there, you can not invite her. It doesn't make you a bad person. I think it's probably a good thing that she's trying to make things better. But her presence will cause you anxiety on at your wedding, don't let her come.

    Also congratulations. I'm also getting married in April. Good luck and best wishes to the two of you.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I say you invite yr father, only. Not yr mother.

    I'm sorry, but, yr father is either a pushover or an enabler. He can't possibly be unaware that yr mother treats you the way she does... and you can't possibly be the only one she treats that way, either.

    This is yr day. It's the beginning of a whole new life for you. She is the bane of yr old life, and you are well and truly in the right to leave her behind.

    Leave this decision on yr father. If he's going to keep being her enabler, and/or is going to keep NOT standing up to her unacceptable childish bullshit behavior, then his ass stays home, too.

    I'm sorry, honey. This is not going to be easy for you. But the way things are now, yr father is just a satellite to yr mother's narcissistic bullshit. It's good that the two of you nominally get along, but HE needs to get out of her shadow, too. If he can't, then -- as much as it breaks my heart to say this -- yr gna have to throw out that baby along with the bathwater.

    Leave the ball in his court. He can continue being the enabler for a narcissistic bitch, or he can man up for his own and his daughter's sake.

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What Guys Said 2

  • You're an adult about to embark on a very adult endeavor, marriage. You're going to form your own home with your own mailbox. Let his one go. Let her come and let that be the end.

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  • I would go through with the wedding and just not invite her. You shouldn't let her ruin your special day

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What Girls Said 9

  • Do what feels right to you, even if you think it might look odd to other people. This is your life, your wedding, and ultimately your decision. If you're able to cancel and get refunds for a decent amount of things you've planned, then talk to your dad and/or fiancee and see what they think about it if their opinions matter to you.

    One plus though, on your wedding day, you likely won't be spending the majority of time with your mom anyway, as you'll have your new husband, wedding party, and other guests to attend to. So it might not be so bad in that regard.

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  • Do what you want to do, hon, it's your day. If you don't want your mother there, she doesn't need to be. I understand where you are coming from because I didn't invite a parent to my wedding. My husband and I despise my father for all the things he has done. We still had a huge celebration. But, ultimately it is up to you.

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  • Don't let her ruin your wedding. Enjoy your special day, and be grateful that your parents offered to pay for it. Let your Dad walk you down the aisle. Cancelling the wedding wouldn't hurt her; it would hurt everyone else. And the rest of you shouldn't have to pay for her cruelty. You know what would hurt her the most? Have the wedding, invite her, and act like she's invisible.

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  • these are the kind of situations that you have to just bite the bullet and deal with it because in the future you'll regret not having her there. Although she has done bad things just remember she's your mother and she's trying so don't overthink it because it's going to be your special day!

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  • You unfortunately cannot uninvite your mother without starting a war. Most everything is paid for so it doesn't make sense to lose all of that money. Go through with the wedding but limit her involvement as much as possible.

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  • Hmmmm I think you should have a wedding and invite your mother. Sure she's done some things that have made you angry, but she's your mother plus your parents are paying! Just relax, parents are flawed human beings too I'm sure she really loves you

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    • She once told me that she wished I was adopted so she could send me back.

    • My mother is very controlling and was mean when I was growing up too, it was only when I was older that I realised she'd do anything for me and she was the best friend I could ever have.

  • have the wedding.
    invite your parents but make sure she doesn't cause a scene.
    i'm the same as you, my dad is my world. i'll never recover from the loss. i'd do anything to have my dad with me today.

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  • Okay I'm going to be 100% real with you. What you're describing with the invasion of privacy is illegal, yes, but it's not as terrible as some of the other stuff other children might go through (i. e. physical and verbal assault).

    Your wedding is going to be awesome and I'm sure there's going to be LOTS of people there. If you really want to, you don't even have to talk to your mother or spend more than 20 minutes taking pictures with her.

    But I wouldn't cancel the wedding just so you can avoid one person. It's like you said. Your dad invested money in this and your fiance REALLY wants a wedding.

    You may not like to hear this but seriously, get over it. There are two people who are much more excited about the wedding so don't take it away from them just because you can't handle a few hours of being within 50ft of your mom.

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  • Don't let her ruin your day!

    Don't include her in any of the planning, just give her an invitation and tell her to wear something nice!

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