Sexless marriage for 5yrs?

I've been with my wife for about 16 years now. Met in a bar, had sex, then had sex every night for about 10-12 years, but we also drank every night. 4yrs ago we stopped drinking and we dont have sex anymore. We have 2 children through IVF now and my wife gives me no affection at all, not even a hug or a kiss. I guess the pregnacy hormones got the best of her. She treats me like a roommate, not a husband. 8 months ago our son was born and she wanted to make his middle name be "Renee". I said no so we did not agree together. On the day he was born, she had already put "Renee" in their. I took it out and she has hated me ever since. I'm from Texas and she is from Sweden. No son of mine will have a girls name for a middle name. Is this just another excuse as why she won't have sex with me? I felt she named him behind my back, w/o my permission. We have to agree on a name. We are both 48 years old. Any advice or input would be appreciated. Thanks.


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What Girls Said 1

  • I admit, the exhaustion of going through a complicated pregnancy, a difficult birth, my son's surgery, and then coming home and trying to cope with the house and everything while recovering from a c-section just was more than I could handle. My ex was so resentful. He was jealous of the baby, mad at me, just threw a tantrum like a kid.

    On the one hand, I couldn't blame him. This was not what he signed up for. On the other hand, neither did I! The problems dragged on for years.

    Have you guys tried any counseling? I think identifying alcohol as a factor probably has a lot to do with it, along with the kids. I would guess that being drunk a) turned off your inhibitions and b) suppressed any negative feelings you two might have had that now you don't know how to cover up.

    I'm also aware how infertility and all the medical treatments that go along with it can make a woman feel like a reproductive failure. It's dehumanizing and demoralizing.

    So it sounds like you have two really big issues that you need to work through. The good news is people can work through them and have a better marriage than they ever thought possible.

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    • Thanks for the reply. It got me thinking a little bit. I need to be a little more honest with you. I should have told you that the IVF part was actually a egg donor. I've gotten so used to saying IVF b/c I didn't want anyone to know. WE have gone into debt b/c of the donor surgery in the amount of about $40,000.00. I would think she would be very grateful for a man (me) to go along with this. Our 2 children are perfect! As a woman, would the fact of having children this way be causing her to hate me? She does love our children a lot though. Any input or advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

    • Hmmm... I can't imagine that she actually hates you. I know that having kids just drained all of my energy mentally and emotionally. When did feel that I was ignoring him. It was because he was like another kid, but he didn't need diapers changed or feeding so he didn't get taken care of first. I resented him for being jealous and not acting like a grown up, for not seeing how much I needed him to be my emotional support.

      I don't know how to describe the complete emotional and physical depletion that occurred within me. It wasn't that I didn't care about him or want to be a good wife, it was that I couldn't. There was nothing in me to give him. I had zero energy, zero feelings. It was just dragging through exhausting day AFTEday.

    • Sorry, I hit submit by mistake.

      Anyway, I sincerely doubt she hates you. My ex complain all the time that I wasn't affectionate, but he never came up to me and rubbed my shoulders or kissed me goodbye. It was like he wanted me to fill him up without filling me up. I just gave up because I couldn't meet his emotional needs first any more. I had to put the kids first.

      So, yes we were like roommates. I often felt like an employee because he was paying for everything... and would remind me that he was paying for everything. It pretty much sucked until I went back to work full time, and then it was more stressful for me, but better for him because he wasn't the only financial provider. I really felt like there was no way I could win in that situation. Whatever I did wasn't enough.

      But he felt exactly the same way.

      You guys have a fundamental emotional disconnect that needs to be repaired. That's why I'm recommending counseling.

What Guys Said 2

  • Sounds like most things about her would drive you mad now... It's not easy to make it work again after years of putting up with crap - but if you won't try to make it work, no one else will do it for you! Maybe try out doing small, nice things for her so you can get some of the good stuff back, starting with hugs, kisses - and sex should come.

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  • Find a girlfriend, aka a mistress.

    And Renee is not a necessarily a girls name in Europe.

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