Girls, I'm not in love with my wife, what do I do?

Ladies please take time to read. Advice needed. I've been married going on 8 years now. I'm not in love with my wife. Never really was. She got pregnant not long after we were together which at the time I though I wanted. I married when I was 20 and it wasn't until then that I started breaking out of my shyness and gained confidence. The love I do have is just because she's the mother of my kids. I'm forcing myself to stay with her just because of them but it's getting to the point to where I'm tired of a boring life and marriage and want out 80% of the time. I've talked to my wife multiple times about this and she says she's not in love either but gets upset at the thought of me going places where there are other women. She keeps saying she wants to work it out and fight for us. She always cries when we have fights and crawls back to me. She said marriage isn't perfect but I think you at least how to love your spouse enough to wanna devote yourself to them. How is she not in love?

Anyway, the more time goes on the more bored and miserable I feel. It's like I'm getting to the point where I wish she would cheat on me just to give me a reason to leave. A lot of time I wish she would just leave me in general because she gets tired of me. But she won't. She puts up with so much from me that she shouldn't and mainly because I'm not in love that's why I can't give her my heart like she needs. Even though I've never been in love with her, I have NEVER cheated on her physically with any other woman. I've flirted and shit but that's it. I get more attention from women than I use too and it's hard to resist. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on with out cheating. I don't have the heart to just tell her "sorry I'm leaving your ass f*ck your feelings." I know how it feels to be in love with a woman and I don't feel like for my wife. And I know the feeling of being hurt by someone your in love with which is another reason why it's so hard to leave. Another


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Dude, male indecision is as bad as female infidelity.

    Read that again.

    Now read it again, 50 more times.

    Srsly, yr wife would hurt more in the short-short-run if you were to cheat on her... but, in the long run, this hanging-on-while-slowly-dying-inside bullshit is INFINITELY more toxic. To you, but ESPECIALLY to her. Her life is being drained away, one little iota at a time.

    She's counting on YOU to be the leader, here. That includes firing her, too, if that's the best decision for the family unit.

    I mean, my fucking heart breaks at the thought of break-ups, dude. My emotional brain thinks everyone should fight for their relationship, with blood, sweat, tears and more fucking tears, until absolutely nothing's left. My heart says fighting and screaming and then fucking and renewing yr love is better than a "rational" breakup. My rational brain says... nothing that I can hear, bc my emotional brain screams too loud.

    But, even my heart says that breaking up is better than slowly rotting away, until yr dead inside.

    Make a decision.

    Then execute the fucking decision.

    TODAY.

    Not tomorrow. TODAY.

    TODAY is the first day of the rest of yr life. What's it gna be? New life? Or same old shit?
    Up to you.

    __

    By the way, could you please clarify this?:
    "She puts up with so much from me that she shouldn't..."

    Uh?

    Yr not even cheating, dude? What's she "putting up with"? You beatin the hell out of her, or something?

    Jk (sorta), but, really, what did you mean by that? Why self-incriminate if you aren't actually guilty of anything?

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    • No none of that I'm just not in love so my heart isn't in it. It's like I don't wanna be involved in family a citified and stuff. I feel low but I can't help it. How doyou do the yourself to something you heart isn't into

    • Family activities*
      How do you devote*

What Girls Said 19

  • Have a conversation again and both agree to give it ONE FINAL chance but you both need to be open to it, go on holiday together without the kids and get to no eachother. And If nothings changed discuss it and leave one another. In the event of that happenin you must still be a father to your children and take responsible for them. You both can't live like this, being trapped in something that's going nowhere but bitterness and resentment to eachother. Make a real go of it, treat eachother how you both should be treated not treated badly so that she'll leave, you need to no for yourself that you did everything possible to make it work, so when your children ask why your marriage didn't work you"ll be able to say without shame. I comend you both for not cheating. All the best, charlottiee

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    • Wow thank you for the advice

  • i would try couples' counselling first; failing that, you're both young enough that you can still find happiness elsewhere and should part ways (amiably, for the sake of the kids).

    i commend you for not cheating on your wife. that said, you have needs that obviously aren't being met~ if the two of you give it your best shot and still can't make it work (or don't care enough to work through your issues), then perhaps separation is for the best.

    most importantly, don't involve the kids in your separation. speaking from experience, the damage runs deep and is permanent; divulge as little as possible, and save yourself a lifetime of trying to repair broken adults.

    either way, good luck.

    -von

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  • I've been there, done that, and reaped the bitterness of all the wasted years. My sister just divorced her husband, whom she never loved, after 20 years and is blissfully happy with a new guy. I haven't met anyone yet but I can tell you that being honest with myself and with my spouse and providing an environment fun that was emotionally healthy, is the hardest and yet the best thing that I've ever done.

    I wish that I had had the wisdom to end of the marriage early. I stayed for the sake of my son, but gradually realized that this environment was bad for him too. My ex was very angry with me at first, but I was so depressed and miserable I couldn't function anymore. I couldn't live a lie anymore. When all was said and done he actually said to me, "You were right. We're better off."

    Eight years is a long time. A really good try. No one can fault you for that & if they do they are complete assholes.

    One of my friend's wife came to him and said, "You're unhappy, I'm unhappy, Why are we doing this to each other. Why don't we just free each other to find someone who does make us happy?"

    Maybe that's the best way to approach it with your wife.

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    • "provide an environment for my son"

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    • You're welcome.

    • At least you're in your twenties rather than your forties. I am alone with little chance of ever marrying again, and if I do we'll be on the downside of our vitality. You're young enough to live a rich, happy, long life with someone else and even have kids with her if you so desire. I'll never have that happiness. But it's still 1000 times better than being married to the wrong person!

  • You don't have to be in love for marriage. It's a partnership that you two agreed on. You're not even trying to make it work. It's pathetic.

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    • You have no idea what you're saying. I used to be exactly as judgmental when I was your age, and then I grew up and had to eat every single one of my words when I found myself trapped in a shitty marriage.

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    • @Punkin45 She's 21 and still a baby. One day she nay end up in a marriage and in love and one day that love fade away and she's left feeling trapped and wanting something else. I don't give a damn what she says

    • I'm married and know what I'm talking about. You're pathetic.

  • You're am asshole. And I'm not going to sympathize with you. at least she's admitted that she's also not in love with you either, but she's still putting up with everything you're doing and still remaining faithful and loyal. She deserves much better cause at least she respects the marital vows and she wants to stay together for the sake of her children she even wants to try things to make the relationship better with you. And honestly you can do things to you can actually do a lot to start feeling for her. I would understand if she was a bad person, but it don't seem like it to me. You just sound like a baby and you should of thought about all of this a long time ago.

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    • If I wouldn't have tried I wouldn't have stayed with her this long. I usually don't do this but I only hope that one day you end up in the same kind of situation. Everyone makes mistakes. I guess you don't. It's cool there are many people in situations like this and cheat and have affairs and shit not caring how they make their partner feel. I for one have never done those things I have that to say the least.

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    • Lol ok. I should have known than to ask a chick about this. Whatever have a nice day haha.

  • through your description of the problem I feel that you're blocking her from you., it's gloomy that You don't even see her. I do believe that marriage goes in ups and downs, but successful marriage is just like any other successful company, it's all about communication and keep on trying. See, you can't give up just because you're bored, let's assume you got separated and you fell in someone else, the excitement will last for some time and then you'll get bored again. Would you keep on leaving?
    I think you're wife is a fighter, while you're a quitter, would you like to be that person? I bet she has so many great qualities that you don't even see! Everyone is trying to find happiness, but have you ever thought what is happiness means to you?

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  • File for a divorce. At the moment, it might hurt her. But for the long run, it's gonna be better for her. She's gonna find someone who genuinely loves her and isn't just tolerating her. She deserves better. Wish I could say the same for you, but you aren't even trying and it just seems like she's only one making effort. Your choices are to either temporarily hurt her now and let her go, or to hurt her for the rest of her and your life.

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  • It would be a waste to leave her just for ur own life , think of your kids , do u think if u leave her u will find true love? Its not even sure. Just think of the best for ur kids , ask ur wife to change her apearence maybe it will make u feel better?

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    • Omg... just no. No.

    • Get a divorce. I did. At a point there is nothing to save it needed to be maintained along the way

    • @Alohaloli I feel like that somtimes

  • Have you tried going to marriage counseling?

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  • Damn that was depressing to read.
    You two should just go ahead and say that you're not in love anymore and save each other the headache

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  • Just leave. But your're not making the slightest effort. I feel bad for your kids and wife. She deserves someone that loves her. And right now your not doing that. So she needs to know so she can leave.

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  • This is why people like shouldn't got marry for a dumb reason because she was pregnant kinda wish you thought this thru?

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  • Just get a divorce, its pretty simple.

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  • Have you tried marriage counselling? Unless you feel completely out of love, meaning you have NO feelings, i don't see why you can't work it out.
    Now if you're completely void, and you're only together for the baby, you don't want to raise the child in a loveless marriage. That can be just as bad.

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  • you're lucky to have a women that loves you and to be a father.
    Just ask yourself are you ready to get divorced and leave a nice family? make your child fatherless? What if you divorce enjoy some fooling around but miss the family you had? Dude you're just having temptations... this butterflies in your stomach don't last forever it's with every relationship like that. love is comitting and relationships have their ups and downs. Go together on holliday to break the boring routine of daily life? make your sexlife more exciting by doing different things... i don't know cuddle more... do nice things for each other and you'll warm up to each other.

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  • As a girl I feel the best way to talk to your wife about this is to tell her that even though the initial change will hurt, in the long run she will have a new chance to find someone she can have a truly romantic experience with. I'm assuming she's around 28? She's young and has this whole life ahead of her and shouldn't waste it trying to fix what's broken.
    Tell her she's beautiful and strong and will at some point be happier that you aren't together.

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  • If you both are not in love with each other, there is no reason to stay with that person even if you have kids. It does suck for them but they will adjust. It's just like getting married because she was pregnant. If you didn't line her then, you should have co-parented without getting married. It's really not fair to put your kids though your failing relationship as it is now. I say separate or divorce.

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  • If none of you are in love with one another, I say get a divorce. Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life like this? Life is about pleasure and love. You clearly don't have that with your wife. It can be hard for kids to watch their parents separate, but they will eventually get over it. Imagine how your life would be if you ended things with her. You would be with a woman you're actually in love with! You've been given the gift of life. Don't throw it away. Use your little time here and spend it with the people you love. I know I might be young, or at least younger than you, but it doesn't have to be more complicated than that. You've clearly already fought enough for this marriage.

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    • screw all of these women saying you're an asshole. You're not.

  • You have to focus on other parts of yourself. In order to put the love back between you too. Maybe going out and doing things you love to do and her doing so also may help bring you guys back closer and together.
    You made a promise to one another. Getting professional help can help as well. But I think you should focus more on what makes you happy because as of now she cannot put happiness into you. You have to do that

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What Guys Said 4

  • I think she just doesn't want to be another divorce statistic or feel like a loser or failure because your marriage sucks. Since you both have admitted to not really loving each other, I think the answer and solution is pretty obvious. It is time to separate. Short of that, have you thought about professional counseling or an open marriage?

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    • That's the only thing we didn't do but I already feel like it's a done deal the love is gone

  • In your mind, is there anyway you believe you could fall in love with this woman? Is she attractive to you, and do you enjoy her personality on good days?

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    • Yes it's good and she's really beautiful but as hard as I've tried over the years the love just isn't there

    • If you want to love her (and its fine if you dont) perhaps you need to follow the pattern of an arranged marraige.

      In western relationships, the pattern is;
      lust, respect, like, love then marriage.

      In an arranged, the pattern is;
      marriage, tolerate, appreciate, respect, welcome and love.

      Dont focus on love, but focus on appriciation until it develops into more.

      Its a shitty situation you are un. I hope it works out.

      by the way, do you two still bang?

    • I do appreciate but it doesn't make me fall in love and yes we do it's more lust than love

  • What you two need to do is pray about this because you're both on the verge of sinning against God and yourselves. Don't cheat on each other and if you do divorce each other, you're going to regret it and it will be hard on the kids.

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    • I've been praying for years. Feeling have not changed

  • You're both hurting now and that hurt will stay as long as you do. It will hurt more in the short term if you leave, but at least there's hope for improvement. Nothing changes when nothing changes.

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    • She loves me a lot because when I'm not divided on her it tears her apart it's me that isn't in love.

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