Together almost 3 years and no marriage?

We have been together 2 and a half years, 3 in September. We live together, have a child together, have a car in both our names, things are serious. He hasn't asked me to marry him yet. He has talked of wanting to marry me, but has not made any attempt to. I mean why buy the cow when he gets the milk for free I guess, who knows. He was in a relationship with his ex wife for 15 years, took him 13 or 14 to even ask her, and they were only married for a year or less then they finally divorced. He thought things would get better for them if he purposed. They didn't, obviously. What are your thoughts on why he hasn't asked? I know people who have been in relaionships a lot less time than I and are already married. He even refers to me as his wife at times when speaking to other people... I don't get it? I feel like he is just playing house.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Even people who have never been married can have a negative view of the institution, how much more so for someone who has been divorced.

    There are very few activities that we engage in on a daily basis for which being married matters. What do I mean? Other than trying to visit him if he were sick in the hospital, or make medical decisions for him, or inherit his assets if he were to die, or for tax purposes, how would being married change your relationship day-to-day? If one doesn't face some compelling reason to do something, and it brings few benefits, why do it?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You don't stick around with someone for three years and call it playing house. Why do you need to get married? Why do you need a ring and a name change- does it give the relationship and the things you have together more legitimacy? True, you would receive some legal benefits from marriage, but maybe he's worried about the legal problems?

    He was in a fifteen year relationship with his ex-wife. He really seemed to think that it would work (because you don't stick with someone that long and consider it "just dating") and it didn't. And now he's divorced and he's happy with you and you guys have a good life from what I hear. It sounds like the bottom dropped out on his last relationship when they finally moved on into the final Giant Monogamous Commitment.

    It seems like, for him, the idea of modern marriage is tied to the idea of desperation and pleading instead of love.

    If you wanted, you could slowly start feeling out whether or not he would actually be okay with the idea of marriage. You start saving up some money, and then you go propose to him. Let him know that you want to be there with him for the long run. Let him know that you don't want to run away and that you are ready to let the whole world know that you two are on the same team.

    Just a thought, though!

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What Guys Said 16

  • May be he doesn't want the title of a marriage.

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  • You know there's a lot of stats saying that when you live together, THEN get married, the marriage license basically spells doom?

    If you're living together and have a life together, why legally wed?

    If he's good for his word, he's good for his word. Marriage vows only matter until one person decides to get divorced, for any reason, at any time. This isn't a day and age where marriage vows actually mean anything.

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  • He probably doesn't want the relationship to end in a divorce next year.

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  • Because it is pointless?
    You are happy now why bind your happiness with a legal contract that is not beneficial in literally any way?

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  • he just isn't that type of person and the paper that says your married doesn't mean much to him

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  • Why do you feel the need to actually marry? You guys already live together, make the best of life, and have joint children. Why do you feel the need to legally marry? He already treats you and refers to you as his de facto wife.

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    • Damnit I repeated the same question twice, I hate using gag on a cell phone.

  • If you got married

    what would change...

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  • I know what you mean. Pressure him.

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  • Pull the plug and leave his ass.

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  • Why the hell should he? All it'll do is pit the government against him

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  • I think male is playing with the feelings of female, not to marry and having sex and giving birth of child, not faire at all

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  • ... what Mesonfielde said !

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  • Ask him if there is a future for you both

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  • 1) he doesn't want the possibility of going through divorce again

    2) getting married doesn't change anything. Wanting to be together and stay together is what's important and that's we you two are doing

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  • "He has talked of wanting to marry me"

    I don't understand why because marriages are useless and a waste of money

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  • Why don't you sit down and have a discussion about it I can tell you possible reasons why but it would be better if you ask him yourself.

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What Girls Said 13

  • Seeing as he was in a marriage before and he waiting and what would have been a successful one ideally failed, so he likes the idea of marrying you and perhaps actually just might ask you but the past can taint his realistic ideal of marriage. Just because you have a child together doesn't mean you should automatically get married otherwise you would've when you were pregnant, also weddings re expensive, perhaps ask him when was he thinking he wanted to get married. He may refer to you has his wife when talking because he feels its going to head in that direction, of course there's people who get married who've been together less time but then there are people like his past who take long to. He may like the idea of having this so called perfect life and enjoys it being perceived that way to other people however the actual marriage itself he may want to be more patient with.

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  • it sounds like he's hesitating for a few reasons: his past experience, and the fact that the status quo is convenient for him. you've already given him a child and you're considered in a common-law relationship, plus he's already been divorced once... what incentive does he have to marry you?

    the thing is, marriage won't rebrand you or complete you, and it's a lot more likely to push a shaky couple apart than bring them together (it explains why his first marriage failed).

    a good wedding and a good marriage are not the same thing. if getting married is important to you, talk to him about it and find out where he stands.

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  • My experience is that he doesn't have the guts to tell you he doesn't want to be married, or maybe he doesn't want marry you. Men can get complacent about these things, if it's not broke don't fix it, but you're entitled to that security. If he doesn't have the guts to hold you out as his wife to his family and everyone, then he isn't in it for the long haul. your time on earth (and fertility) are limited. If marriage is important To you, you should say so. Don't wait for him to bring it up. If this is a deal breaker, know now, not later.

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  • I know a couple that's been together 4 years longer than y'all have and they aren't engaged or married yet, either.

    Some people just don't see the need to rush it. Maybe he doesn't feel he has enough cash saved up to be financially prepared for a wedding. It's not exactly cheap.

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  • Because he's comfortable. You guys are married in every way but on paper. And if you've never expressed that you have an issue with it, then he probably doesn't see an issue with continuing the way that you are.

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  • It's better you don't expect it... He seems to be haunted by the divorce.

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  • Have a conversation with him and tell him that you will like to get married. He is probably scared of getting married again. The best answer comes from him.

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  • There could be lots of reasons. Perhaps he is planning on proposing soon?

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  • This sounds like a conversation you should be having with him, not us.

    If you're not comfortable bringing feelings like this up then the two of you aren't close enough to get married anyway.

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  • Why don't you ask him?

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  • I dated for 5 months and married whose thing I did.

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  • Because he had bad experience with marriage. That's why I don't date divorced men. Also actions speak louder than words.

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  • You are already doing everything a wife does without a marriage license. Why should he marry you when you live together and have a kid?

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