What is the ettiquite on setting the date for a wedding. Please see details?

I've been engaged to my fiance for almost 3 1/2 years. I told him I wanted to wait until I finished grad school to get married. Long story short my parents are not accepting of me marrying him because he is of a different ethnicity. I'm trying to give my parents time to accept it as I just introdced my fiance almost a year ago. I don't want to plan behind my parents back.

my fiance's mother has been trying to get involved. She wants to throw me a shower because thats what she does with her friends (so the shower will be all of her friends). She keeps asking when the wedding date will be and where to have it. I told her I would let her know when i set the date but i did say sometime in late September.

Yesterday she pushed again and told me she really thinks I need to set a date and book a place to give people time to get their schedule set (my fiances grandmother wants to go to england in september).

My family has been going through a lot the past couple months- my cousin has been having problems, my grandfather is being treated for cancer and my brother had brain surgery and had complications and almost died last week. So I don't want to push anything with my family now cause they are stressed. I told my fiances mother this and she said something to the effect of "well there is always going to be something you can't put ypur life on hold"

I don't want my fiances parents to pay because I feel like this will gove them automatic say in the wedding. I politely declined and told them I have all the money I need saved. They insisted and won't take no for an answer.

correct me if i'm wrong but i thought the brode got to be in charge of planning.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • In fact it is the bride that does the plans. If you want this wedding to be your wedding and not everyone else's party stay away from the grooms side until you have all your planning done or this will end up a cluster feck. It's all nice that they want to contribute and all but it could very easily go just as you fear , they helped financially so now they feel they have the say so regardless as to how you feel. Mention your fear of this happening to your fiancĂ©e so he can help you watch for it coming

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    • Thanks. The problem is my future mother in law will text me too. Today she texted me and wrote "maybe it is better to postpone the wedding until things calm down at home" My fiance and I have been engaged for over 3 years but we haven't been telling people we are engaged since this past year. His mom has a lot of friends and they keep asking her when the wedding is and about the plans so she feels pressure from that I guess. I have made no plans and don't want things like a dj, pictures, etc. i don't want a bridal shower at all but told my fiances mom she could throw one b/c she said it's a tradition with all of her friends. So it's basically going to be a room full of her friends and me.

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    • You're right. The problem is I never had a vision for my wedding. Because of the situation and now being pushed by my fiances mother I'm starting to think it's not worth it. It's not going to be how I want it anyways because my parents will not budge on what they want, which is "a small Lebanese wedding." But the topic of the wedding or my fiance hasn't been brought up for over 2 months and I'm afraid to bring it up because it's a very stressful topic... they get angry and I just don't want to deal with it. Like I can't have American music, there will not be alcohol (my fiance and I don't drink anyways so no big deal I guess), the ceremony will be a Muslim one (my fiance pretends to be Muslim so my parents are somewhat accepting and I pretend because my father said he will disown me if I'm not a Muslim). So the wedding to me is just a formality so I can get my life started with my fiance. But what my fiances mom has in mind is conflicting with what my parents will want.

    • This may indeed be better postponed until you can maybe figure out a way to somehow appease everyone.

Most Helpful Girl

  • No offense but your parents sound straight from hell. I really feel for you. You're a grown up and can make your own decisions. They either have to suck it up or possibly lose their relationship with their daughter and for what? Because they don't approve of something so small? What are they honestly getting out of disliking him? You need to sit down and really talk to them because they aren't being rational.
    You also need to talk to your in-laws. They need to relax. They're doing nothing but adding unnecessary pressure on you. Tell them that you NEED more time.
    Your wedding is YOUR wedding. Don't let either sides dictake you. This is supposed to be your day! Don't try to please either side. Good luck. I hope that everything works out.

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    • No offense taken. To my parents it is a big deal because my fiance was not born into the same religion they are (Islam). He was born to a Jewish mother and that is why they are having a hard time. My fiance fake converted to Islam (we are both atheist in the closet). Even so they don't believe he really converted. He eve went to the mosque with my dad for Friday prayer and my dad still wants him to go covert in front of a Muslim religious leader.

      I've learned in therapy that my parents are covert narcissists. For the longest time I couldn't understand why it's so hard for me to just put on my big girl panties and stand up for myself. There is a reason according to what I've learned so I don't feel helpless (I usually get a lot of flack from other people and they tell me I just need to step up).

      I know it's supposed to be my day but isn't it also my fiances day? He is telling me he wants whatever I want so he isn't really giving any input.

    • I guess I need to tell my fiances parents that they need to back off in a nice way. I just thought it was pretty inappropriate that his mom texted me "maybe it is just better to postpone the wedding till things calm down at home" as though she has a say in it all. Like why do I have to pick a date just because other people need to make plans? She already told me it has to be after Sept 15th because my fiances dad has a tax deadline. So that leaves a possibility of two weekends. I really don't think that is so unreasonable for people to plan around that time. It's not like I'm saying well the wedding could be anytime from September to November. I'm giving a two week possibility... so if I don't have the exact day set I don't get what the big deal is. It's not like it is vacation time... it's the fall not summer when most people go on vacation.

What Guys Said 2

  • I agree with a lot of what has been said already. I would say your major issue is fear of disappointment, yes? But, you do want to do your best to find a balance, yes?

    Have you tried making a list with importance being at the top?

    So being married is at the top. You love him, you want a marriage.
    It's my wedding so i will be happy with my choices. If others are not, they can get over it or move on with their own life. I'm planning mine
    I will continue to get therapy, support, and whatever else i need for my well-being.

    Then other things...

    I will pay for it so no one can be upset by what i do...
    My bridal shower will be on this date and at this place, trying to balance my family's issues with my future's in-laws...(and I will be happy with the date too)

    Does this help or am I on the wrong track...

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    • Yes, I do have a major fear of disappointment everyone, but at the same time I'm surprised with how involve my fiance's mom is trying to be. I just thought the wedding was supposed to be planned by the brides side. My fiance already knows about my situation. I told him I would be bound to my parents until I'm married and I gave him the option very early in our relationship to move on if he didn't think he could deal with it. I feel like once I'm married then I can slowly cut ties from my family and their pressure. It's now become two much trying to balance my fiances mothers demands.

      I want to pay for the wedding and told my fiances parents that we are going to pay for it. My fiances mother said she will not take no for an answer... so I really don't know how to get out of that. I already asserted myself and it wasn't taken well.

      The bridal shower seems to be out of my hands as my fiances mother said she wants to plan it with her friends.

    • It's not out of your hands until you decide.

      I've had a number of therapy and life challenges that if i don't want it, really, i say, 'no'. They may be shocked and offended. so what's worse, you being sick to appease others or you being happy and those others have to life with your choices. I'm sure your parents made some mistakes and bad choices and is the world upside down? no? I got so much into not saying no i had severe depressions and stress which then affected my life. They didn't care. People who won't take no, they will be offended and say, 'this is your fault I'm upset' and you smile and kindly say, actually no, it's your trying to box me in to your plans, then trying to give me guilt cause you're not happy? No, i don't do that game anymore..

  • Yeah your soon to be mother in law is trying to put herself in charge of the wedding.

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    • Yeah that's pretty much what I feel too. I was thinking... isn't it supposed to be my wedding? Why are you telling me what I should be doing with the planning?

What Girls Said 1

  • You need to lay down the law. Tell YOUR parents to move into the 21st century and get over someone having a different skin color. #DealWithIt

    Tell HIS parents that aren't setting a date yet and you may not until next year. The date is for you and your fiancé to decide on. Not them.

    As far as etiquette I'd say six months for a local wedding and 12 months for a destination wedding.

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    • It's not that he has a different skin color, ours are actually the same. He has a different ethnicity. If he was darker my parents wouldn't even be a little accepting (it's sick but my dad told me this).

      We want to get married in September we are pretty sure because he lives and hr and a half away and I would want to move in with him after I finish grad school. And of course, my parents won't allow that unless I'm married because they are super religious.

      So that's in about 5 months... I guess I am having bad ettiquite then since I haven't set a date yet.

      When I say "wedding" it's going to be more of kust a dinner. Nothing fancy because it won't be a happy day for me since my family will be pissed.

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    • Good for you! I'm sure that will help you clarify your feelings :)

    • Thanks : )

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