My husband is texting other girls inappropriately / flirting, what should I do?

Help please! About a year ago my husband was texting a mutual co-worker of ours trying to sleep with her. He lied to me about it repeatedly until I talked to her (not knowing he was trying to sleep with HER, I thought he was trying to with her friend though) and he confessed. A few months later he started talking to another co-worker just being flirty. He did try to hangout with her outside of work a few times. I told him "if you do this again, I'm leaving". At that time our son was roughly a month old and he said it would never happen again. Randomly one day in May I saw a "good morning :)" message to an unsaved number, it looked familiar so I checked my phone to see if I knew the number, it was the girl he was flirting with when our son was a month old. I was furious. We talked to our pastor and parents, we're trying to work through it. I THOUGHT we were passed it. My husband went away for the weekend to do some farm work with his brother. A girl was also working and he got her number. He was texting her flirty things like "I'm going to miss that gorgeous smile the most" etc. I was beyond upset!! We talked for a long time and I told him to tell me EVERYTHING that had occurred, to tell me anything I didn't know about. For the last 2 years in May he went to a strip club while he was out of town, got 2 strippers numbers. He signed up for Ashley Madison and a similar website.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do!! He leaves the house and I get so nervous. He uses his phone and I get beyond paranoid. To the point where he no longer can use his phone. I'm depressed. Is this really what life is going to be like? He has agreed to consoling. But, will he ever really change?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Looks like you roped a chronic cheater, although probably in his mind - he's not cheating because he isn't sticking his dick in her. Cheating goes well beyond just physical cheating. If he's chatting, flirting or fantasizing about other women in his life (and not just the fantasy of a celebrity or model, who he doesn't actually know), that is like 100 red flags all raised at the same time.

    He is obviously aware of what's going on, because you have called him out on it. But he simply does not care. Unfortunately, you fell in love with someone who is selfish and who will destroy everything else in his life just to satisfy his penis. People with such traits are very VERY common. They will essentially do whatever they want, thinking the worst will never happen - and when it does - only then will they think "oh I was stupid for doing that".

    That means that there is almost nothing you can do to change his behavior unless you are prepared to walk out on him. Only then - which would be the worst case scenario - would he actually start to reflect on his actions. Needless to say, if you walk out on him, the effects to your family structure and baby will be huge. But having seen his type over and over again, I suspect my prediction is true.

    Telling you EVERYTHING that happened isn't actually helping. Because what's the point of DOING IT and then telling you. Had the thought never occurred to him to NOT DO IT, so then there's nothing to confess to?

    You may need to shame him publicly to teach him a lesson. It's not the best recommendation I've given. Walking out on him and hiding with your parents may do the trick. I would consider calling your husband's parents (your in-laws) to tell them what's going on, should you decide to skip out of the house for a week or two with your son. Shaming him in front of his own family is quite severe, and may the hard kick in the ass he needs.

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    • My parents and his parents already know to an extent. They know about the first few times. Just not the latest girl, the online websites or the strippers. His mother cried, he cried. But it hasn't necessarily changed him. He wants counseling. He wants to start going to church and being more active in that way. He wants to work on this. I've thrown him out before (for a night..) but I'm not a very strong person. I cried within an hour of him leaving and ended up calling him a few hours later. I love him, he's my bestfriend. I equally cannot hold a grudge to save my soul. So, everytime it happens I'm SO pissed for a day or two. We talk about it a lot for that week but then everything seems to just relax back to how it was. He's good for awhile but then he slips up again. Everyone we've talked to about it says he has an addiction. Something that will take massive amounts of counseling and isn't something that he can necessarily just control..

    • I wouldn't call it an addiction. Calling it an addiction is the easy way to explain something away, and make him the victim of something that is purely the result of his own actions.

      When someone knows their actions are wrong, and knows that those actions hurt the ones around him, but proceeds to do it again and again, that is not an addiction. It is a purely selfish act. Calling it addiction is total bullshit.

      That's like calling chronic thieves and mass murderers an addict.

      Hope you figure it out.

    • That last part.. Hahahahaha. Thanks that's helpful. Funny, but helpful.

Most Helpful Girl

  • As much as it hurts my heart to say this -- If you can still get along with this man right now, and can still bring yourself to stare him in the face and deal with him... then, leave, NOW, while you still don't completely hate him yet.

    You have a one-year-old. That means you have to deal with this man, in some way shape or form, for at least twenty more years or so. TWENTY YEARS.

    If you stay married to him, then, judging from what you're saying, he will keep fucking up -- and you'll eventually be not only depressed, but bitter and hateful. And then you'll *still* have to deal with the babydaddy -- AND the kid -- AND the fact that the kid is used to seeing the two of you together, and having to explain to the kid what THAT's all about, on top of everything else.

    Seriously... Leave. Now.
    Before you start to hate him.
    Or yourself.

    (And omg, he was actually dumb enough to think Ashley Madison was real! Oh lordy...)

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What Guys Said 20

  • wow... what a difficult issue. counseling is the solution to figure out why he is doing this and if he is willing and able to change.

    It will have to be a choice he makes to change and to get healing for whatever is driving him to be aggressive towards other women.
    It is possible he won't, but I don't know the facts on this.
    I have a counselor (s) I know are good but they'd be phone only unless in my area. it help to talk to one f-f.

    For now, anything he does has to be open to you. Yuou also have to realize he's going to push the boundaries until he's healed... that may not be in your timeframe... Lastly, I know a women who aggeed to an open relationship and paid the price... now she has a virus and a divorce. So I'd think twice about that solution if it comes up.

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  • Sorry I didn't read your whole story. That's because what he's doing is totally unacceptable. Tell him it's upsetting to you, you see it as cheating, and it's causing you serious doubts about your marriage. Tell him you think you both need to attend marriage counseling, that he must stop, and if he doesn't you'll get a lawyer and separate, as a prelude to divorce.

    Fuck him. You don't need this. You're 24yrs old (or less) - you got your whole life ahead of you. If you catch guff from the family - tell them what's happening. It's certainly mot your fault, and I'm sure they'll be supportive. Just walk away and take half of everything.

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  • It's very unlikely he will change. I think it's almost impossible if you want me to think realistically. Unfortunately your options are to say with him while knowing he will pursue other women, or break up. There are guys that will be faithful though. You can't force him.

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  • Seek some marriage counselling, but the guy seems like a sex addict or serial cheater... If he is already like that now it seems unlikely for him to get better over years as it only gets worse. There could be innumerable reasons for this maybe you guys need old spark and adventure in your relationship or maybe he is just raised like that. If the marriage really matters to you, you can go for counselling but don't stay for long if you think that he is abusing your trust or putting a lot of pressure on you

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  • You should have kick him out as soon as you found out.

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  • Sound like he's not married but y'all can try a counselor so he can open up so the both of you can understand why he's chasing other women. It could be because you are not paying him enough attention or he can be woman happy which is not good for any woman to have as a husband.

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  • You're gonna have to eventually divorce him, I think.

    He clearly doesn't respect you *or* the marriage. Expecting him to change that seems... highly unrealistic.

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  • There's 3 things that make people change.
    1. Personal loss
    2. Financial loss
    3. Determination

    That's also in order of the one that's most likely to make perminant change. I'm not sure how that knowing this may help you but it came to mind with your question.

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  • Curious but how young did you two get married? He's obviously not taking this seriously. He knows what he's doing and doesn't seem to care it's hurting you. Are you two having sex regularly or at all?

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    • I was 22 when we got married, he was 24. As to sex it depends.. Sometimes he's not in the mood, sometimes I'm not.. Typically about 3 times a week though.

  • It sounds like you're going to have to leave him. Sorry.

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  • You already know where this road leads. I'm sorry that it's come this far after marriage and a child, but there is no hope for your relationship with this man.

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  • Confront him about it. If he denies it or aggressively defends himself arguing with you, then you need to consider bringing him to a therapist/pastor. If that doesn't work, the divorce will be necessary.

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  • you should leave him asap and find someone else

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  • Why are you still with this cheating fuck?
    What is his age and yours?

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    • He'll be 25 in November and I just turned 23 at the beginning of the month.

    • Well he is not interested in being faithful... So I guess you should leave him

  • I think this is more thrill of the chase. He wants something that he can't have. I am not saying he will or won't do something past "emotional cheating" but it is worth giving him space enough to see if he actually follows through with it. If he does then you deserve better than him anyways. So give him enough rope to hang himself more or less

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  • Of course he's not going to change...

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  • Don't worry on this too much. Calm down and relax I think.

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  • find another man

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  • Organise an orgy with you, two other hot women and a black guy who has a reputation as good in bed with an enormous cock thats so much bigger than your husband's. After your husband shoots his wad he will have to watch this ebony god continuing to pump away at you and the other girls for a couple hours and will be emasculated and more docile after the experience. Many white husbands are cuckolded by their wives like this in America.

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  • He's a cheater no matter what you do he is going to cheat on you. He's not even trying to hide it very well. Just leave now before the kid gets used to you guys being together. It's better if you separate while the kind is still very young that way they grow up used to having split parents.

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What Girls Said 7

  • honestly, your story is similar with my friend's, and she's currently pregnant with their second child. it's really depressing when you have a husband like that, for 3 years in marriage (and before marriage too actually...) he's not changing or improving to be a better guy/husband/father. he's continue flirting with various of women, apologies when she found out, the the routine repeating again. he'll never stop... I know it's easy to say than feel it, but honestly, i'm suggesting you to leave him. Yup, try the counseling first, but if he's still like that, he'll never change...

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  • sorry to hear what you're going through but he's a damn flirt >:(
    he ain't gonna change and he will keep lying over and over again... i don't think your child deserves a liar as a dad... leave him or divorce cause its gonna hurt you a lot

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  • Bring him to family counselling so he can see what consequences he has caused a d he cannot lie directly to your face

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    • This is a way to get him to face his music

    • We're going to private counseling and couples counseling as well.

  • Leave him. He clearly isn't going to get any better. It'd be the best for you AND your son. You don't want your son to grow up in a broken home and be influenced by a man like that.
    And just a heads up, any time he's away for the weekends, he's without a doubt cheating.

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  • Kick his ass out.

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  • If he can't stop cheating on you then tell him that you'll divorce him !
    See how he reacts on that and if his behaviour will change or not.
    If not then I think life with him will be hard on you emotionally and mentally so ask yourself if you are willing to stay like that or find a better husband and start a new life.

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  • Divorce Him.

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