Should I end my marriage?

So backstory:
We're both 25 years of age, and we've been together since high school. It's just when we started dating, I did it out of spite for my parents because I wasn't allowed to date. Regardless, itll be 10 years we are together next year (4 years married) - but I legit do not feel any attraction towards him. I do not want to sleep together, I get annoyed when he touches me. I 'love' him, in the way that we do things for each other and I do the wife-y household things he likes but ultimately, starting a new life elsewhere and actually experiencing meeting other people is a very high want for me right now. We don't have any serious as of yet - meaning no kids, no mortgage, anything like that, etc. And I have been feeling this way for about 3-4 years now.
What do you guys think? I have tried counseling myself. He has not. He loves me a lot - more than anything. I just don't feel it anymore.

Updates:
I know marriage isn't something you just throw away.
But... I've been in a rut and unhappy for so long - I would just leave but I can't stand the fact that my parents, his parents, and most of all him, would be crushed and would hate me forever. That's really the main reason I am restraining to do so.
You the interesting thing is all the men who have opinionated have suggested separation where as females have written reasons to stay.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I have read some of the comments and I disagree. I see people say it's not fair for the both of y'all that your not happy and since there is not a lot of investment then do it.
    You married out of spite not love, he married out of love. My view is you are suffering the consequences. If you leave him you will be happy and he will suffer. Honestly I say talk to him about it and let him decide. It is afterall a deci

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    • *a decision you should make as a married couple.

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    • Not blunt, appreciate the honesty :)
      I am. Because i think its easier to run away then to stay and fight. That is my issue that I need to work on, if I want to resolve all of this, though.

    • It's instincts, fight or flight. You seem to be loyal and are in least taking him into consideration. It won't be easy because you made a big decision. The right road is often the hardest in the short run. The path you're leaning toward seems easy but once you run thats it, you being running and dealing with it for a long time.

Most Helpful Girl

  • ... I've been in a rut and unhappy for so long...
    With having what I see is the "Seven year itch" and all here, dear, you never were given a Chance for Other Romance, to enjoy being a girl nor had an Opportunity to Explore any other guy as well, I can tell. You never had a Chance to go out and just Live like a normal teen. This was Robbed from you, thanks to your parents.
    It has now come down to this, and the longer it goes on, the more unhealthy your situation and marriage will be for you both.
    I feel that perhaps a Long Break away from one another might be the Best from the Rest and a real Test, at least for the moment. If you could go and stay away with someone in your family, maybe even a friend, give yourself a think things out and to ponder over even if you are Missing the Kissing and some His and Her History you both have shared. This might help.
    By just making a Clean Break, you could find it is a Mistake. And Remember, the Grass is not always Greener on the other side.
    Counseling yourself is good, but maybe a Real one can also give you a Helping Hand with with this Man.
    My sister finally split up with her husband after the kids got older but believe it or not, she is still Residing with him under the Same roof Because... She cannot live without him and he cannot live with out her but they both have the space but still share the Face every day.
    Give it some thought. I don't want you to wake up one day and say "I should have left when I was older." At least for now, you can be sure what you think is Best for you and a Break, I believe, is a good Start from your Heart.
    However, if you do find that it is time to Go, then do it carefully and consider the man who still loves you. Many couples remain friends to the Ends, even Helping one another out or just remaining buds instead.
    Go Slow with this Flow. Many years have been Invested.
    Good luck. xx

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    • *Take a Break first, do not do anything hasty.. You need to time to think, hun. xx

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    • Thank you, hun, for replying and happy to help. If you begin your own beguine of enjoying the other half, thane maybe it is something you never had and are meant to do. It could happen. it isn't that you are even cold hearted it would because it is something your "Cold hearted" folks nabbed from you and now somehow, has come back to bite you in your marriage. No matter what, let God guide you. You need a break to at least think. If you don't take one, it will continue where you may end up hating him and yourself in the end. xx

    • Thank you, hun, for the Vote of Confidence, and take some space for you now. xxoo

What Guys Said 15

  • You only have one life, and you should make the most of it.
    Ok a break up will cause some adverse reaction, but honestly he deserves a partner/wife who does want him, as much as you need a guy who you love, and turns you on.
    Now is the time before you get into a rut, have too many ties, and children.
    Pluck up your courage and tell him that you are not happy, and he is not the right guy for you. He might surprise you by him feeling the same!
    Get clear before getting involved with anyone else, don't use a new guy as an excuse, get divorced, then sort your life out! My best wishes to you!

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  • can you experience new things and meet new people with him (unless by meeting new people you mean new romantic relationships)?

    i mean if you aren't in love with him then i guess that means it should end but perhaps there is a way you can (to use a trite cliche) "have your cake and eat it to"

    as in find a way to do the things you want to do (new experiences and what not) while still being happy in your relationships

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    • He honestly doesn't like to go out. He is a homebody.
      I would love to used the cliche'd saying. I just have to work for it instead of viewing it in a negative way.

    • well if you are truly dissatisfied and have tried to make things better then perhaps it is time to end the relationship

      you may also want to consider couples therapy

    • i hate talking so much. in person i mean. tis why i am hiding behind a screen and anonymity.

  • You said yourself you have ne external commitments kids, mortgage etc - Bottom line you don't love him, eventually you will both be unhappy - Leave him now and there is a chance of happiness in the future for both of you.

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    • I legit think he won't even attempt to find anyone else if I leave. He'll just shut down.

    • Your happiness comes first - You can't remain unhappy to keep him happy

    • Slap in the face truth.

  • By all means. Think of it this way - would it be fair towards him if you remain in the marriage dissatisfied like this?

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    • It would be fair because I'm the only person he's ever loved, slept with, dated, or has done anything with. I am his everything. And it's not like were not happy in our daily life or we dont have fun together. But like I said in another post - its like he's my best friend - more than my spouse.
      This probably makes me seem like such a bitch. Ugh. I just don't know.

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    • That... is true.

    • And it would be unfair to him in the sense that no one deserves a partner that's pretty much miserable with them. They deserve someone who's happy. I'm not saying you're bad because of the situation - just that you deserve to be happy, and he deserves someone who is happy.

  • This is yet another reason why marriage is pointless. Relationships aren't meant to last, they never have been as humans are naturally polygamous in the main with a few exceptions and yet polygamous people try and force themselves into a monogamous union where the main vow is "till death us do part".

    You're twenty five years old, you aren't getting any younger, if you feel this way now how will you feel in ten years time? Will infidelity occur here? I would file for a divorce in your situation and would never marry again.

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    • if i do separate, i won't be marrying again. that is for sure.

    • I don't think you should because a) you don't need marriage to validate your level of commitment to your partner or to somehow legitimatize your relationship. Marriage more often than not from what I have observed suffocates a relationship rather than strengthens it.

      Also there is a strong correlation between people who divorce marrying and divorcing again. Some people aren't cut out for marriage, perhaps you are one of those people.

  • Let me ask you this. Did he propose? If so how did you feel in that moment that he did? Why did you say yes if it was really out of spite at that point? Why are you married to a man you don't want to even touch you? You are unhappy. That's obvious. Why? Is it you? Is it him? The things you 'do' for him cause you 'love' him, would you do those things for anyone else? Or do you do them because he's him?
    Lot's of questions all to say if you are unhappy, and the marriage will never progress because you have already decided you are done, then divorce him. You are wasting both his and your time. If there is something deeper going on that needs to be resolved for your marriage to continue where it left off, then you should do everything you can to resolve it.

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    • Im sorry, the way i said it was confusing. When we started dating when we were like 15/16, that was when i did out of spite. i mean, i liked him too, obv. but then 5 years later when he proposed, and asked - its not that i didn't want to be married but i didn't want to be married at the age of 21, so i said yes, but expected an engagement, not a 'okay lets do this in 6 months'
      and the things i do, i would do for anyone i cared about.
      i had sexual desires with him when it was new and exciting but that feeling of i wanna bang or get intimate? not there. and I don't know if its bc of the way im viewing things or if im just over it entirely.

  • Yes, you should probably go. It'll likely never get better and you won't get a medal on your deathbed for suffering a bored life in a hopeless dead-end marriage.

    Talk to him about your concerns but it sounds like the fire went out long ago.

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  • Your choice most marriages out of high school never work out so it's common which is why i think marriage is a huge waste of time

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  • Im supprised that women havnt written divorce him, but get yourself pregnant first.
    Id say, do what you want, BUT If you divorce him, you'll hate yourself for it later UNLESS, you find Mr Right, and I hear there's darn few of them left anymore.

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    • what? thats awful! why would you bring a child into the world with something that needs repairing first? no place for a child. that is ridiculous and unfair to them.
      if i do, im not looking for mr. right. I just want to be with myself. and maybe i will hate myself for it and be like wow, i had it good, i really shouldve worked on it. but then thats on me. but for right now, i should work on it instead of giving up.


  • Short answer: Yes. It makes no sense to remain in a situation where you are unhappy, and have no extenuating obligations.

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    • so not agreeing with everyone else that says, try and make it work? find underlying issues? or maybe its just me and im just a horrible person.

    • It's okay to disagree. Don't concern yourself with what other people may think. Under the circumstances, just do what you -and you alone- think is best. "Everyone else" has no stake in your life, so why should what they say matter?

    • You're right. But isn't it selfish since everyone else revolves and shapes my life the way it is too?

  • That is why I never want to marry a white woman

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  • Yeaa go on you are thrashy women anyway... make someone else pay for someone else's mistakes... After all women like you are shit anyways...
    Go on... divorce him at least he will find someone who will love him... For real..
    It will hurt him but it will satisfy you right? Then do it... You don't care for him anyways... if you are not having sex with him I don't know why is he even with you?
    I hope he is cheating on you... You deserve it

    So yours was an arranged marriage yeaa?

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    • Are you too nervous to not post anonymously about how you really feel xD
      We started dating 10 years ago and I partially, key word, said yes because of them. Five years later when marriage came, it was out of love. Don't trash talk. That's not what this post is, asshole.

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    • speak English much.

    • Lol loser

  • You've certainly waited long enough, only you know if you've put in the effort.

    But with no kids and a mortgage, you could split now much more easily than later. He will be broken up at first, but long run happier with someone who loves him.

    Best of luck to both of you.

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    • I don't know what this means. i never saw it.

  • So you got married when you were 21?

    Derp.

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    • hahah. yes. yes we did. and it was rushed because my parents wanted it so. we were actually going to stay engaged until this year, 2016. but, it didn't happen like that. he proposed in aug, and we got married in jan. so fast.

What Girls Said 11

  • Well you say yourself you love him.
    And I'm presuming feelings were there before or you wouldn't of managed for so long. So it's more that you need to get back there.
    your husbands trying.
    You sound depressed, so sort that with your doctor first. As that tends to ruin what you have there.
    You clearly got married way too young. Ask him about his goals etc. Maybe he'l want to go travelling etc with you?
    But getting a divorce will just complicate more. And your happy in ways so you just need to build on it.

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    • Thanks for this. Gives me hope :)

    • :) your welcome hun. Depressions a terrible thing and of you have it then will explain a lot

  • Thats not a reason to get a divorce. It means that the two of you have been lazy in your marriage. You need to stop it. Your his wife. You made those vows and obligated to love him and be with him for richer or poorer, for sickness and in health for better or for worse. Where have your vows gone? Where does your loyalty lay at? What happened to your values? Matter of fact, what were you thinking before you married him? You need to get your act together as a wife, before he starts finding out and be ready to end it because of you. Your feelings is just your feelings. And your feelings are going to get you into serious trouble with your marriage. He has the right to touch you and have sex with you and likewise to him. And if you two were sexually active before marriage, then I can see why this is the way it is. This is the price of doing so. Not because you married young. But because you got married for all the wrong reasons.

    But you know what? This is marriage, and you made that commitment. It is not fair to your husband that he is trying to make an effort and your not. And if you think divorcing, finding another partner and marrying a second time is going make things better, forget it. It makes it worse. Because marriage is not the problem. Your husband is not the problem. The problem is YOU as a person. You are not mature enough to handle a marriage. And that is the result of you being spiteful as a teenage towards your parents. I'm around the same age as you, and I'm going to tell you. You are wrong. He doesn't need to fix anything that he didn't do. You do. Change your attitude and your outlook on your husband and your marriage will improve.

    Marriage is not about happiness. Marriage is not a car, a house, a mortgage, money, or just having kids. Kids are the product and fruit of your love for each other in marriage. You don't realize that you are cursing your marriage and the future generation of your family to failure because you can't stop relying on your feelings. Stop it. Your killing your marriage. Its not fair to your husband. And he deserves so much more from you and better than this. And from the way how I see it. Yeah, your parents are right and still are if you married and complaining now. You dishonored your parents and your reaping what you sowed by doing that. I feel so bad for your husband and have mercy for your parents. This is so wrong.

    And now I have to seriously ask you this question: Do you want to fix your marriage? Yes or no?

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    • Thanks for being honest, I really appreciate it.
      If I were to separate, I would not be getting married again. I know that is not something I would want. I was just raised to believe, you go to school, then college, get married, have kids, maintain a family life, and work.
      That is life. But, that isn't something I want, and I realize that now. I should've realized it long ago, but I was young, and stupid, and I went from a household of not even being able to sit in my own driveway without permission (god forbid I ask to hang out outside of my house -- that was a three week process ordeal with rehearsed script), so, yes, the rebelling and leaving was a part of my independence from such a strict, religious household. But then I did the exact same thing and jumped in a relationship of who has very high similarities as my parents. Rules, structures, schedules. And I am the opposite.

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    • @Asker what your doing to yourself, and you may not realize this now: is self abuse. Your too busy telling yourself lies that you can never be happy being in this marriage, because of your past traumas and guilt from your parents. But forgive your parents, forgive yourself and move on with you husband. I'm pretty sure he is well aware of what is happening to you. And he is trying to reach out to you right now and love you for you. He wants to make things better for you. He is trying to fight for you. Do you know that that is what a husband is suppose to do? To protect his marriage by protecting his wife? His family? He is still trying to secure his place as your husband in your life. But, he can't do that if you won't let him.

    • @Asker I understand now. Arrange marriages aren't bad either. In fact a lot of successful marriages are arranged, and even when women initiated in choosing a partner. I think you had a lot of doubts with your parents decisions, so it scared you off from that. But there is a way for you to help with your marriage. And that is to be honest with your husband, and let him help you. The more you think your better off in doing things yourself, its going to work against you. Remember that marriage is about working together, and that also includes conquering your fears about this whole thing. Surrender your feelings to your husband and he will be sensitive enough to understand them so that he can help you.

  • I just don't feel It anymore is a pretty lazy excuse in my opinion. Not to be rude, but marriage is a life long commitment you make to one another to be there through the good and the bad. Where did the break down happen? What is it that made you not feel it anymore? Did one of you get comfortable and stop trying? Did one of you not communicate well to the other your needs? This is kinda like listening to the same song and getting bored with it. Why do you like songs? They usually make you feel something. When that feeling is gone its because its routine, boring, and you've stopped letting yourself feel it. Thats a problem with you, not the song. Marriage is the same. Instead of saying I don't feel it, seek those feelings out again. Fight for your marriage.

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    • Not being rude at all, I need hard truths. I probably am being silly but I am so unhappy leaving seems the viable option.
      I love the song analogy though. Fighting is tough. But that is what I signed up for.

    • It is tough. And good luck to you both whatever you decide! = )

  • I wouldn't end the marriage just for the desire to experience other people.

    I take marriage seriously and would focus on how to get my attraction back

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  • If you've been feeling this way for 4 years, why did you get married. And married so you at that? If you are not interested in couples councelling, I think divorce is in order. And think more before your next marriage.

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    • *married so young...

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    • how do you just do that when literally everything is connected. lease agreements, financials, bills, banking accounts... so much change. so much.

    • Couples therapy first after or absent that, With parents as landlords it should make it a bit simpler. (Doubtful that a parent would sue their child)! You do your best to find new tenants. You sit down w/husband and work out compromise on the financials. You can pull the band aid off quickly or you can let it fall off over the course of years, decades and before you know it, you life is over.

  • Yes. Clearly you don't love this man, and he deserves to be with someone who loves him. And you deserve to be with someone you love.
    It's a shame that you went as far as marrying him despite not having any feelings for him.

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    • I have trouble saying no to a lot of things.
      He honestly doesn't believe anything is wrong, and everyone around us thinks we are the best couple.
      I enjoy being with him, but to me it just feels like he's my best friend, more than my spouse.
      I feel horrible about it. I just...

    • Yeaa she made him pay for her parents mistakes.. That's sad

  • I'd go if I was you

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  • Honestly, if you're not happy then you should leave. I don't see the point of living an unhappy life. As hard as it may be on him, he will come to the realisation that there are plenty of other people out there. I think it might be a good idea for you both to go discover yourselves before anything new else.

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  • You seem quite selfish honestly. You should never have said yes when he proposed, or you should have even called off the wedding. So many people would give anything to be with someone they love, and here you are treating marriage like it's nothing. I feel bad for your husband.

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    • That's fair. Except everything I did was to make everyone else happy. And now im at a point in my life where I want to be for once.
      If that makes me selfish, then I guess I grew up wrong.

  • Try seeing a marriage councler

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  • Oh, y friend is going through something similar. I guess its tough to break hearts, but you know, this is your life too and you can't stay until you slowly suffocate. Have you tried taking to your husband about it? Thank God, you guys don't have kids yet as i grew up in a broken home and it was terrible. So i would suggest talking to your husband and see what he says. Don't worry hun, just be truthful and tell him what you feel.

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    • Thanks :)
      And yes, I've worked with children almost my entire life and its so hard to see the struggles. I def. do not want to bring another human in this world if i can't work out my own problems first.
      I have tried but he's very non-emotional. But when I say something, he gets all teary eyed and it literally kills me inside. So then I just shut it up and push my feelings down so we can stay together. I just dont know what to do anymore.

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    • That is what others have suggested as well. To see if staying apart would rekindle feelings and needs - what I am worried about though is what if I enjoy it too much? What if I dont think about why im doing this to begin with? I can be a cold, mean hearted bitch at times, what if that is just what I've turned into? This just sucks.

    • Yes, i see your concern. Look, living in doubt will only make decisions harder. I think take each step as it comes and separate for a while... you can still see each other every other day of so. If you loose feelings... then so be it, and don't be too hard on yourself. Aww, i don't think you are mean... sometimes life takes a turn for the better. You can't force yourself too.

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