Night with the friend and wife went bad. DID I OVERREACT?

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on my situation. Tonight i invited my best friend over for some drinks with my wife and i , things started out fine with the usual banter of laughing and joking with each other , but as the night progressed and drink started to kick in i felt more and more like an outsider in the conversations and the banter between my wife and my best friend started getting more sexual innuendo orientated , this bothered me and when i tried to get in on the conversation my wife put me down sexually and although she put it across as a joke this hurt me , i have noticed many times before that my wife and my best friend seem to get on very well but tonight i felt very uncomfortable with things that were said , anyway to cut a long story short when my friend left i decided to talk to my wife about tonight's events , I told her that i felt like crap with all the flirting going on and asked her if she found him attractive. Perhaps i should never have said anything as this went down like a lead balloon and we ended up having a massive row and i'm now sleeping on the settee tonight. Was I wrong to say anything to her? Do you think that perhaps i came across as accusational? Any help would be grately appreciated...


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Nope you are absolutely correct she crossed the boundry line and your trust and then flipped out because she was confronted by it... if she has nothing to hide or be ashamed of, why respond in such aggressive manner. There needs to be boundaries in ALL relationships and each partner needs to respect them... if you can't acknowledge you stepped over a boundary without becoming offensive why be in a relationship communication is KEY. And sounds to me like your girl got drunk and wanted the dick if you wernt there she probably would have been on his dick

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Wait... your wife was getting sexual with another man and then when you brought this up with her, she made YOU sleep on the couch? And you're asking if you overreacted? Dude do you have any respect for yourself?

    It's funny because if you were getting sexual with another woman you would also end up on the couch... man this is why I ain't getting married...

    I can guarantee you she has already slept with him/is cheating on you. How do I know? I don't date or do relationships. When I'm lonely I hit up Ashley Madison (I'm not proud of that). There is a trove of women who are bored of their husbands because as they put it: "He's a doormat and it's too predictable to me, etc".

    Or maybe there is something wrong with me...

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What Girls Said 8

  • I think your gut instinct is usually right... however as someone who has never drank, can't tell ya how much alcohol might have played a part in that "gut instinct".

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  • hey there, hang on a minute this sounds exactly like a post I've seen before, either this is the same post or this experience is very common? xx

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  • Of course you have the right to confront and ask your wife why she was so flirtatious with your best friend. You two are married and I'm assuming a monogamous relationship at that, so of course seeing your wife flirt and talk in a sexual manner to your best mate is going to upset you.

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  • weird... maybe she has a thing for your friend... be very careful

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  • Well to me this seems like both a simple and complicated situation youve created for yourself. here's what i mean:

    Simple because...
    1. You set up a night involving drinking with three people, in this case two guys and a girl. Forget that it was your wife and boyfriend. The basic rules still apply, and in threes although there's not always a third wheel, its a natural way for things to go that has nothing to do with anything aside from the fact that in conversation there's a natural back n forth rhythm that can be more difficult to engage in equally anytime there's more than two. And when its three the odd man out is obvious whereas if there were 4 people and it were two people less engage in the banter it wouldn't feel like ur on the sidelines all alone.

    So now lets consider the details of your relationships... the standout one being you and your wife, and the you and your boyfriend. You are the common denominator though, which in a way makes it more appropriate that you step back in this situation and not be center stage since you being the one who has a close relationship with the other two people should feel least uncomfortable or out of place if all the attention isn't on you. Imagine if it was u and ur boyfriend most engaged, how left out your wife would feel, like an intruder on ur guys night, or likewise if it was yr boyfriend on the sidelines feeling awkward like a tag along on a date. So in this aspect, it actually good hospitality that you take a back seat.
    2. Your wife probably wants your friends to like her, since everyone knows if they dont it can be problemAtic for your relationship if your world clashes with hers. Now throw some alcohol into the mix, and sprinkle that off with the pairing of a hetero male and female --the female who probably in being married i imagine doesn't get as much opportunity to feel flattered by male attention like she did in her single days, and what you get is EXACTLY WHAT YOU GOT.

    The complicated part? only that in spite of the fact its probably nothing, its still normal to feel like it could be something to you. And the very real possibility that if you continue to explore your insecurities by questioning their integrity with respect to their loyalty to you, all you are likely to do is isolate yourself from two important relationships in your life. Not to mention make it potentially too incomfortable for them to be around each other and before you know it you your current boyfriend have "lost touch" , and rarely see each other anymore.

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    • 3mo

      If they start hanging out alone and hide it from you, then you have a problem! Til then, try and find more confidence in the love you have with your wife, as well as im your friendship. Dont make a big deal out of apologizing and harp on that either. Just apologize for being insecure and silly, and move on so its forgotten from everyone's mind before it turns into a "thing". Cuz in all liklihood if by some unlikely chance you were to be right down the road, id have to wonder if the idea of them even being a "thing", would have ever would have crossed their minds if it hadn't been pounded in their heads that you had.

    • 3mo

      by the way , im my comments above wherever it says "boyfriend", its meant to be "best friend". My phone. .. stupid auto correct!

    • 3mo

      Sorry, one last thought!!
      And i only know this because admittedly, once i was cheating on my then boyfriend w/ an ex, who happened also 2 b a friend of my boyfriend. So a little different in that i had a history with the other guy already, but what im about to tell you should apply all the same
      If you just let things happen as they would naturally, and sit back and observe there's one way youbcan know the truth. assuming all blows over, and you guys can all be comfortable hanging out again, what you want to be looking for is if at any point your wife starts trying to avoid you guys, or you hanging out with your friend. Because if ur really having an affair, and presuming not a sociopath, its way too uncomfortable and risky to have your lover around your significant other, obviously. You will make up any excuse in the book to keep your secret at a distance so u can control any information thats being passed. but you'll never pick up on that if ur wife can use ur jealousy as her excuse!

  • Tricky, as maybe they were just having a laugh, but if you are uncomfortable in your own home, then you are right to air your feelings.

    It's about respect ask her how she would feel if you were like that with her best friend - and maybe their conversation highlights that you and her don't have that type of intimacy/flirtiness anymore and you miss that!

    I

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  • Her arguing with you is bs. I would like to see her reaction if you behaved like this with her best friend! She is no good, and he is no good. Trust neither of them. And honestly, if this is how they can behave right in your face, what would they do when you aren't there? They have no boundaries and no respect for you and your relationships.
    I would be very angry if it were me. You asked her, she had no right to kick off. It would have been so stupid of you not to say anything.

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  • If you felt uncomfortable on the situation, then perhaps they crossed the line a tad bit. I don't think you overreacted, you need to have good communication with your wife so its good that you told her how you felt. As for your best friend and her, I wouldn't be so easy with it. My boyfriend cheated on me with his best friend's girlfriend. can't give too much trust to friends! Good luck with your situation.

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What Guys Said 9

  • no , i think you were right. if she s that friendly with the guy she is probably going behind your back with the guy and the way she reacted sounds like someone who was caught with there hand in the cookie jar. you need to make a choice , keep being with her or move on and let her do what she wants. you sound like someone who needs better than that in a relationship she is not worth it. in my opinion

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  • Yes. You came across as accusational. And there was no other way to come across, honestly. If you saw the sexual innuendo then you know it happened, it probably wasn't just an impression. Still, I dont know what you could've done to secure your wife's fidelity. Confronting it upfront may not always produce good results, but pretending it didn't happen would've opened more space for that in the future.
    Thinking about it, maybe you should've flirted and reminded her of why she's married to you, and not to him. And I mean that in a sexual way, not as in "I give you support and stability".

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  • How did your wife put you down sexually?

    With alcohol involved -- and without knowing what boundaries you guys typically have in your relationship -- it's very difficult to say what was going on there. I will say this, though: if I were in your shoes there's no way I'd be the one riding the couch.

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  • sounds like she crossed the line. you should make her dumb ass sleep on the couch.

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  • You weren't wrong

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  • Trust man, it's important. She probably feels like you don't trust her enough and that your accusing her of being attracted to other guys. Best thing you can do is apologize and blame it on he alcohol. Best of luck to you both.

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  • It's something you two need to discuss. Are you familiar with the word cuckold? Because it sounds like that's where it may be heading. If talking doesn't work this out, ti may be time to re-evaluate your life together.

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  • I would have left the bitch. She doesn't love you if she does that type of shit. Just divorce her and get a better LOYAL woman. No kids, right? You're all set. Just say you're unhappy in your marriage and feel like she doesn't want you around any more. Then after the divorce, NEVER speak to your ex wife or former best friend again.

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  • She's probably wants to have sex with them

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