Do I speak to my brother about his wedding plans or am I being selfish?

Ok, so my brother and I had a typical brother/sister relationship growing up... when we were kids, we were constantly at each other's throats but when we got into our teenage years, we became the closest of friends and have remained close ever since. My brother has been with his partner for approx 11 years now and they have 2 kids together but they have never been in a financial position to get married. My brother and I always had a pact (which we constantly discuss) that if I get married, I will not have a maid of honour and instead he will be my 'man of honour' and instead of a 'best man' he will have me as a 'best woman'. Anyway, today his fiancée told me they are finally going to get married and have set a date for next year then swiftly informed me that she is not having a maid of honour and he will not be having a best man. My brother knew nothing of this as she has planned everything while he was at work. I feel deeply hurt and upset as I feel I am close to them all, I treat her like a sister, I spend as much time with the kids and always take them fun places and so this felt like a bit of a punch in the gut. Do I say nothing and hope my brother will insist on me taking part or do I speak to my brother and tell him how I feel? I don't want to appear selfish but it has really hurt me and since his fiancées messages, I have been sat in tears. The way I feel right now, I feel like booking a holiday as an excuse to not go at all. Thank u for reading and I appreciate any advice x


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Most Helpful Guy

  • A promise such as you and your brother made is not something that is forgotten, so I am sure that he will be aware of it when he discussed plans with his fiance. The promises that you make as children or young adults are promises that you feel are sacred because they were made with such sincerity. . . but they were also made at a time when it was easy to promise anything and there wasn't actually another person to consider.

    Your brother is now in a position that the most important female in his life is not your mother or you; it is his fiance. He must make her happy just as she should make him happy. Perhaps she does not know about the promise and has simply made plans according to her whims and desires. (If so, that is a warning sign for your brother, as she should not make major decisions without consulting him.) Maybe she does know and thinks that it is silly or too untraditional. If she just made this decision, they have probably not discussed this and it may be premature for you to react to her announcement.

    In any event, your brother must confront that and make the decision that he believes is best for him. His fiance may be looking at this as an issue by which to judge his loyalty to her; if so, it is foolish for her to put him in that position, but those things happen. You must set aside your pride and understand that your brother must do what is best for his future happiness with this woman. You need to dedicate yourself to helping your brother find happiness in his life because that is how you can truly express your love for him.

    Good luck.

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    • 2mo

      Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it. She does know about our pact as she has been there on numerous occasions when it has been discussed. She can be a bit funny sometimes but when my brother is down or having issues he comes to me for help (I don't sugar coat anything and he says he knows I will always tell him my honest opinion even if it is against him) I don't know whether she is harbouring some animosity because of that. I told her about my holiday booked for June as she was thinking of June for the wedding but I told her not to make plans around me, I expressed that I would still help them plan and it was their day so I told her not to worry if the dates clashed but she has now checked I'm available in July as she said I have to be there. To be honest, I think she knows my brother would be unhappy if I wasn't.

    • 2mo

      These situations have a way of resolving if given a bit of time and if the participants do not react too wildly at the start.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes, speak to him about it. It never hurts to ask because it sounds like you don't really know the reasons behind why his fiance has decided these things. She also likely doesn't even know about that pact that the two of you had, so that wasn't even in consideration when she made the plans. Talk to him, tell him that his fiances told you these things, but you were still holding onto your agreement the two of you made. He can either go back and talk to his partner about it, or he'll reassure you that it's not a big deal and it doesn't mean anything in which hopefully you'll also see it as such or find a compromise to play another important role in the wedding. Either way, don't sit on it, it sounds like it's something really important to you.

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    • 2mo

      Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it

    • 2mo

      Good luck, hope it all works out.

What Guys Said 2

  • Talk to his fiance first and you can ask her that you'd really like to be "best woman" for your brother at wedding. I think she'll respect that. Talking to your brother about it could create some tension between those guys if some misunderstanding occurs. If you prefer to talk to your brother then make sure that you convince him to be cool about the whole thing and make it happen without making much fuzz about it. So that everyone will be happy. It would matter how to talk to anyone of them.

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    • 2mo

      Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it

    • 2mo

      Keep in mind that she might not have found someone to be her maid of honor and that's why she plans to not to have anyone at either side. So clear those things.

  • Since he's your brother, you don't need to worry about what he thinks of your approaching him with this. He needs to hear about this from you.
    Besides, if you've been good to her over time, you're entitled to an explanation and to speak your mind.

    Now, on the while idea that they have been together 11 years and have two children but haven't been in a financial position to get married, if that's their excuse, that is no excuse, in my view. The amount of money they have spent over 11 years and two children is well beyond what they would spend for a modest wedding.

    Sounds to me like you deserve that vacation. Go ahead and take one, especially if you haven't had one in a long time.

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    • 2mo

      Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it. You are right, I just didn't want to appear selfish because it's her day but she can be a bit like this sometimes

    • 2mo

      You're welcome! I hope things work out to your satisfaction.

What Girls Said 2

  • Does your brother's fiancee know about the pact you have with him? If she does know then this is, put bluntly, downright bitchy, particularly if she's made this decision - as the wording of your post implies - without consulting your brother. However, if she doesn't know about the pact, or is only vaguely aware of it, she may not realise how important standing up with your brother is to you and may have decided to nix the bridal party/groomsmen to simplify (read: cut costs) the wedding plans.

    My advice is to talk to both her and your brother about this. I suggest getting them together and talking to them both at the same time, face to face, so there's not chance of what gets said getting distorted in translation. I'm sure that if your brother still wants you as his best man, and his fiancee is a decent human being, she'll either find a way to include you in the ceremony, or have up with a *really* good reason why you can't be involved. If she doesn't, well... there might be some underlying issues you need to deal with.

    Good luck!

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    • 2mo

      Thank you for taking the time to reply. She does know about it as we're always talking about it (and he keeps joking that he will happily wear a dress, should I get married, as long as he gets to be my man of honour) I can't see why it would be because of finances as I've already offered to pay for the cake and do the flowers

    • 2mo

      If she definitely know, then the only thing I can think of is that she's misinterpreted it as a joke. Either that, or she is just being a bitch... in which case, on to the subject of potential underlying issues which may be damaging your relationship with her, have you considered that perhaps you offering to pay for things may be a problem? Are you more financially secure than them? Or perhaps working a more highly paid job than your brother and/or his fiancee? To you it may seem like a nice thing to do, but to her it might seem like you're flaunting your financial resources. I'm not saying that *is* what you're doing, just that she may feel that it is, and be bitter about it. That being said, it does seem like she's on the verge of going full Bridezilla.

  • i would talk to her maybe there is a reason why they aren't doing best man maid of honor

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    • 2mo

      Thanks for taking the time to reply

    • 2mo

      im just saying i would go to her instead of him or bring it up in front of both of them, as in i was a bit shocked to hear you werent doing maid of honor or a best man i'm just curious as to why?, going to just him could cause problems

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