Married: How to get over not feeling good enough?

So I've been married for a few years now and I'm having trouble with a couple things. My husband all of a sudden wants to go to strip clubs. The first time he went with his father, and then came back to get me, and of course I freaked. Had a mental breakdown for about a week and then was like fuck it I've never been so I don't really know. I didn't have a bad time, but the second time I went was on a Friday night and there was just everything I hoped I would never see (men acting the way I had imagined) and something just snapped in me and I realized that I did not want to be a part of any of it. Had another breakdown. On my husbands birthday, he had asked me to go with him and his friend. Now my options were, to go and be miserable or not to go and he would stay angry at me (he hadn't talked to me the whole day) so I went. He had a shot after I had told him not to and I made a scene. Ever since this whole thing started he has been very critical with me and expecting me to be overly sexual towards him, or I'm not doing it right, or I'm not dressed up for him ever. My body is too small, so are my boobs, he doesn't like the way I move. This has NEVER happened!!! He thinks he had done nothing to hurt my feelings in any way. This all happened in a 3 week period and I've realized that even if I was everything he could possibly ask for, it probably wouldn't be enough. How on earth do I just forget about it and move on with our relationship? I've debated leaving but I'm hoping that it doesn't come to that. He thinks that strip clubs and getting hammered is completely normal, but I want to settle and have his children, not party like we don't care about tomorrow.


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What Guys Said 13

  • I think that it was considerate of your husband not hide the fact he wanted to go strip clubs but also to include you to show you how it is and that he isn't going to cheat.

    Your communication skills to your husband on the subject is poor. After you felt you didn't want to have a part in this and had your second breakdown you should have told him you don't like strip clubs and would feel great if he didn't go either. I think you are being overly sensitive, but should talk him about how you feel about strip clubs and him going.

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    • 22d

      I guess I left that part of it out. We talked throughout the whole thing. I told him after the 2nd time I went that I didn't want to hear about it (because that's what he talked about all the freaking time) and even went on to say we should have a 3 way with the one because it would be easy. After I flipped out in the club about the shot he has been very careful with the subject but it's still on my mind... everyday.

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    • 22d

      Agreed lol I don't know how that happened though because I'm literally (and this is factual) the most attractive one there when I go. The first time he was all about making me feel secure and comfortable. And then right after I was like, they were all fat and horrid looking and he was like... yeah but they have boobs (now personally, I like my boobs, don't want a boob job or anything and I don't want to gain weight to get them and look like a sloppy cow)

    • 22d

      Can I just message you? lol

  • He keeps asking you to do stuff for him but what has he done for you lately?
    It's funny that you and your appearance, body, etc were good enough for him before you were married and during the first parts of your marriage but aren't good enough now? Besides going to strip clubs, what else has changed to make him think differently?
    What you need to find out is why he enjoys going to those clubs.
    Is he going there to have fun, going there for the scenery, going there for the sexual nature of it, or going there for all three?
    If you don't feel comfortable at strip clubs then don't go.
    If he wants to continue to go to them then you need to get something it returned that you want to do, like go out with your friends to places, etc.
    Its not all about just him in a marriage.. It's about two people.

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  • Honestly, I can not see the two of you working this out without help. I suggest that you find a couples counselor and go together to work this out. You doctor may have suggestions for a counselor, or someone you know may know of one. Many employers offer limited counseling for free or very low cost. Check into that.

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  • Looks like you guys aren't compatible or you got bored of eachother, you said you are married for a few years and looks like it was too soon for him because he is having single people's behavior, wich looks like its a natural thing in marriage, I think he is trying to keep things fresh and new but in a bad way, going to strip clubs and stuff and even telling you about it, either have a deep talk with him and try to solve these issues or just leave because it might only get worse.

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  • loving yourself

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  • You have married a jerk and he doesn't care for you. I say this because he is treating you as a slave. Also what kind of men goes to strip club with his father... my father would unown me lol if I talked about such things in front of him. He has high morals as a men.

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  • It sounds like he wants you to look and dance like a stripper. You aren't interested in that lifestyle at all. It sounds like you want different things. I recommend couples therapy. He may not be a great match for you.

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    • 22d

      That is what I'm starting to fear. I've really never felt like that with anyone else and I don't think I would feel that self-conscious around anyone else. He tried to say that I'm insecure. Actually, I'm very secure with myself, just not with him.

  • This is why you don't get married in your early 20s. You're both young and he still wants to party. And stability is boring.

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    • 21d

      But they can party together. That what we did :) having all of those memories together, that's something special

  • It sounds like there are some real problems here. It sounds like he may not be mature enough for martiage. Have you explicitly told him that you are no longer comfortable with him going to look at naked women? If you do and he refuses, i might suggest couple therapy before this escalates.

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    • 21d

      He never refused after I freaked out but it still bothers me. It haunts me lol

  • This would sound off-topic, but it's true: you start by abusing line breaks, so ideas in your mind start becoming separated too.

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  • It sounds like you need to have a rational conversation. No raised voices, just reason. I've gone to strip clubs, but the women don't mean anything to me. They're just there for entertainment. I come home for desert. Good luck.

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  • to tell you the truth he sounds like a bastard and im really sorry for you but try to warn him that you wil break up with him but it might have a bad effect on your realtionship.

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  • Damn you need to run fast AF. Strip club woke up his inner dousche

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    • 20d

      Oh great lol

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    • 20d

      He's been claiming that he would never go without me (even though he did with his father and let some topless chick give him a back massage, makes my skin crawl) but obviously I'm having a hard time trusting him and he can't possibly understand why.

    • 20d

      Im telling you man, take your half and kick rocks like. Yesterday

What Girls Said 3

  • You guys are at two very different stages in your life. You are incompatible. It sucks that you found this out after getting married but I still think the best thing for you to do is leave. Aside from wanting different things, he disrespects your very valid problems and feelings about his behavior. He puts you down. He doesn't respect your boundaries (not being ok with him going to strip clubs). Do you think this is the way a good partner should treat you?

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    • 22d

      The real problem now is that it's been about 2 weeks and I'm still furious and upset. He's toned it down considerably but it still crosses my mind and I feel like it really broke the emotional bond that we had (or that I thought we had anyway)

    • 22d

      You're still upset because he's done nothing to try to resolve the issue with you. This is obviously a boundary for you and he just isn't acting like he cares. It's like he's saying that going to a strip club (which is a normal boundary for people to have) is more important to him than how you feel. He'd rather hurt you than just stop going to strip clubs. Add in that he is being very manipulative by criticizing your body and putting you down. I'd never stand for being treated so shitty by someone who supposedly loves and respects me.

  • Come to a state of complete contentment, and accwptance with yourself currently. You will find happiness after.

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  • What a jerk 😔 I feel sorry for all your breakdowns.

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