The frequency with which my boyfriend texts me has dropped. What gives?

I've been seeing this guy for 6 months. We're both divorced, and both of us are the primary caregivers to our young kids (both age 4). He's tremendously sweet and very patient. In general, things are pretty spectacular between us--the sex, the conversation, almost everything. Recently, we've been getting the kids together and doing things as a defacto "family." And he's been vocalizing his feelings about long-term commitment (i.e. marriage) in very sweet and heartfelt ways.

So what's my issue? It's two-fold, really. Our time together is limited because of our obligations to our kids, work, etc. Lately, as in the past few months, I've noticed that I'm usually the one who makes the plans, or asks the question, "when can we get together next week?" Planning around kids means planning ahead a bit. I need a few days notice to get a sitter. I'm finding that I seem to be the one putting the forethought into making plans. It wasn't always this way and I find it a little frustrating. I'd like to feel that seeing me is important to him.

Also, he used to text me. A lot. The frequency of his texts has definitely dropped off. In addition, he now sometimes takes hours (sometimes as many as 6) to reply to my texts. I get that he's busy. I'm a working single parent, too. But I would never leave a text from him unanswered for the better part of a day. I expressed to him that this frustrates me, and even asked him if he felt like we needed to step things back a bit. He was understanding and apologetic and very clear in saying that he did NOT want to step back. All the contrary. And for a little while, it was different. But now this pattern seems to have resurfaced and it perplexes me.

He's really a sweet guy, and when we are together--with and without the kids--he's very affectionate. And even though the frequency of his texts has fallen and his reply time is kind of stupid long, when he does text me, his messages are always very sweet.

So guys, what gives? Where's his head? When we're together, it's sublime. But when we're apart--which is more often than we're together--I feel like I drop off his radar. Is it me? Is it him? What's the story?

Thanks in advance.


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What Guys Said 1

  • I would've thought you'd have picked up on the average male pattern by now considering your age. We work hard in the beginning to get the girl, once we have her our work ethic/attentiveness begins to decline.

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What Girls Said 1

  • The only way to see if you dropped off his radar is to drop. Don't text - don't try to initiate outings - nothing. See if he picks up the ball. If he doesn't ask YOU what's wrong - I'd be wondering why. He may be comfortable in the relationship - getting a bit lazy - not sure. But he may also be a commitmentphobe.. Telling you what you want to hear but his actions show that he's not really stepping up like you want him to. He may be feeling pressure. He may also be seeing another woman and keeping you in the loop to see if it works with her. Maybe. Do you see him every weekend? Do you know where he is at night? 6 mos is not a long time and kind of early to be talking about marriage - particularly if you both have already been married. What kind of baggage does he have? What's wrong with building a strong foundation as friends? I'd suggest... doing nothing. See if he picks up the ball. If he doesn't... he's not interested. Sorry. Good luck.

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    • Good advice, Louise, thanks. We're supposed to talk tonight about something that went down yesterday. After this, the ball is fully in his court. My kiddo and I have been through enough, so there's no need to hitch our wagon to a falling star.

      I am hopeful he'll step up, since our time together is pretty amazing.

      Do I see him every weekend? Yes. In fact, he spends just about every night that he's not with his son with me. Other nights, I pretty much know he's at home, with his son.

    • Sounds like some honest communication is in order. Just tell him you feel that you're doing all the work and don't feel he's all that invested but happy to ride along without much effort. Tell him what you expect of him - some guys really have no clue - and see if he can deliver. Sometimes we have to be pretty blunt about what we want. It could be as simple as him getting comfortable like the other poster said. See what happens. Look for a change in the next couple weeks. Good luck.

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