Need some advice in how to get over this rough patch?

Hi, I'm 21 this year, my boyfriend is 29 and we're going through this rough patch where I really need to get out of. By the way, we're both from Singapore, so we're slightly more conservative about sex/relationships than it is in the West Anyway here goes,

I happen to be a very very principled girl. I believe very strongly in no sex until marriage and the sanctity of a relationship. My boyfriend though has had sexual activity with his first girlfriend abt 8 years ago. I admit that I cannot accept it but leaving him would hurt him very deeply cause well, my boyfriend loves me very much and sees me as a marriage partner in the very near future. He said his ex-gf was from a broken family and stuff and was the one who instigated sex and as for him, he had his principles but it was thrown out the window in the moments/passionate love.

He thought then the relationship would have lasted and it was true love, though they only got tog out of the fact that he cared a lot/pitied her (the ex), they lived tog etc. the ex, then 20 was well, uneducated and used to cry a lot at home due to her family. he said she was very immature and had a lot of frustrations which she took out on him a lot. like when she was cooking and couldn't do it, she would throw things ard, and she would have quarrels in public, not apologize when she hit someone on accident or sth. etc. she wasn't a virgin before she met him and then cheated on him later for another guy. they lasted about 1plus-2 yrs.

I felt it was naive of him then to think it was true love though, cause his former rlshp was too toxic and unhealthy. and that the act of sex wasn't even an act of true love from him and his ex, given the personality of his ex-gf, I just felt it was two people with very messed up self-esteems then doing stuff, to either feel wanted or loved. and cause of her behavior, it just shows she doesn't value herself and her body and he, well, he didn't have self-control. I just feel that cause he didn't save it for his future gf/wife, that in a sense I'm disrespected (though we were both nowhere in each others' lives then, I don't buy that argument btw) and that maybe I could find someone w/more similar values as mine. He wants me to give him and the relationship more time though.

So well, I am undecided about leaving or staying. And its so complex I'm at a loss as to how to move forward =/ can someone mature help me out?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I can't quite figure out how he could have survived 8 years without sex, let me tell you as a Singapore guy, done ns and got to strive out at work in this society where women speak of equality, go look around? It's not diff to get to sleep with a gal, so move on! He is not for you, the baggage is too much a risk to bring into marriage. You need a good virgin and honest guy. He isn't...

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    • Oh man! you're singaporean too? I REALLY liked your answer. :) and I TOTALLY AGREE with it. its too much of a risk and I'm certainly looking for a virgin man. he's malaysian by the way. and you're right with him being dishonest. he told me 6 different versions of what happened and up to til day I don't know what is the truth. =/ THANK YOU! :D

      btw, you said its difficult for a man to survive 8 years without sex but that they should stay a virgin til marriage?

    • Hi there! I hope by now you would have gotten over him...sorry I have not been around for the past 4mths after replying to your quest. Yes I am Singaporean and I know exactly what language and tone you are speaking about here. If a guy is a virgin, he will remain a virgin till he is married, if a guy got tempted into the first instance, then it is very hard to stay out of sex after experiencing it before, this goes to the same for both guys and gals I knew as Singaporean, all the best!

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What Guys Said 2

  • First of all, let me say that I have been to Singapore and it is a beautiful city. I realize that this has nothing to do with your question, I just had to let you know because I loved that place so much.

    Now regarding your dilemma, I think you are being entirely to harsh on your boyfriend. 8 years ago he made a mistake, lots of people make mistakes when they are young, and it is very difficult more a man in his early twenties to turn down a woman that is offering herself to him.

    I think you may feel threatened by his ex, which would be completely irrational because he loves you, not her. What he did could not possibly be disrespectful to you as you say because he wasn't with you at the time, and I am guessing he didn't even know you.

    The bottom line is if you are willing to dump someone because they made a mistake 8 years ago, you will forever be single. No one is perfect, and you need to accept the fact. Accepting someone for who they are is part of loving someone, so until you accept him and his past, you can't really love him.

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    • i don't feel threatened by the ex. at all. I know I'm 1000x more attractive than her inside and out. its a matter of principles that's all. I strongly believe in no sex before marriage. and cause I kept my virginity for my future bf/husband, I would want a partner who is similar in that sense. similar values. its just my VALUE you see. it isn't so much abt anything else. whether I was in his life or not isn't the issue. the issue is, whether you would actually think about consequences and responsibil

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    • i have very strong principles that's all. but I would like to thank you for your great answer :) they were the exact things I have in my mind too... well gotta think abt those issues I guess. cause I'm having a not so great time coming to terms with it. and there could probably be someone out there who shares the same life/ sex values as me.

      and thanks for the singapore compliment! :)

    • Way to go girl! ... You are in for a very lasting relationship, stay out of trouble and follow only your heart's desire. You will be blessed doubly and your first time will be memorable and sweet. I have not come across a girl who did not regret giving her first to another man not her husband in small ways. Keep in touch if you wanna be friends. I am at Bt Timah.

  • People are going to have a hard time giving you advice because if they don't share your value system, its hard to comment.

    I'll say only that I think you are being too harsh in saying 'it wasn't love' etc. Look, it was a bad, toxic relationship, but his feelings were real. He did not cheat on anyone. He truly loved her. He truly thought they'd be together.

    Now if you think having sex with someone you loved and thought you'd be with forever BEFORE marriage is so incompatible with your value that you should break up, then you'll have to do so. But don't doubt how genuine he was at the time.

    If he had been married and divorced, how would that affect you?

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    • It wasn't cause he was just after the sex and he said himself he didn't love her. Why are you acting as if you know their relationshi btr than he does or I do? Puh lease you don't even know us personally. He's just ont of those 'i was offered free sex and took it' sort of guys. If he was married I wouldn't bother as he did things e right way.

    • 'he was genuine at that time'. Give me a freaking break. Were you there at that time? Did he have sex with you? Who on earth are you? Some stranger on the Internet who Thinks you know how some person's relationship went and knew exactly what happened and telling ME wad happened. Stop trolling, itsnot funny.

What Girls Said 1

  • Gotta agree with moaterboat, you are being harsh on your boyfriend. We make mistakes in our youth because we are still learning about ourselves and what we want. And you'll be hard pressed to find a single person who hasn't made some mistakes growing up.

    I applaud you on your abstinence, but you have to understand that not all people live their lives the way that you have chosen to live yours. Just because someone has sex, doesn't mean that they are a bad person. Judge a person on their character. Is he a good man? Does he treat you the way you deserve to be treated? Is he kind to others? Is he generous? According to your assumptions regarding sex, virginity and relationships,-- all of this is negated simply because he had sex before he was married. Which, quite simply, just isn't fair. If you love the man, then you need to love him wholly---mistakes and all.

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    • yes I agree. love them mistakes and all. but maybe, just maybe I might be more comfortable with another guy with the same values. just a thought that's all. its difficult accepting sth which goes against a principle you hold very strongly you know.

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    • but at the same time, its a short time - 5 mths that is. and for me, love doesn't come very easily. it takes a long time to build and grow and for me to love someone. and I tink it comes with time. so I'm staying cause, well,besides me feeling happy, and him being a gd boyfriend so far, I just want to see the potential of this rlshp. cause I have a feeling it can last a really long time. so yup. gonna give it time. but thx A LOT for your responses! :)

    • I think that's a great idea. Just give it some time, that way you can make a rational decision.

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