Does he plan on marrying me?

I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years. Everything is great except one thing. He isn't ready to marry me yet? I don't get it. We live together, share finances. Basically play house. But when I bring up marriage he says he is committed and doesn't understand why I cannot see the commitment. He says he has thought about it but he isn't sure/ready for it. I can't help but be bothered by this. He was divorced approx 8 years ago. I have never been married. He is 41 and I am 27. Advise please.

Updates:
His response is always "I am still learning things about you. I waiting to learn more about you. " Really what kind of answer is that? I feel like I'm on a trial period. Kind of like the way I am right now isn't good enough. Am I over thinking this?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • ... and you're only really willing to put another 2 years into waiting before you'd have to move on. He can't really argue with that - it's about making yourself happy, and you're not forcing him.

    But either way, you basically have to spend that time NOT trying to convince him to marry you! Nagging is irritating - think about all the times your parents or teachers kept going on at you to do something. You stop wanting to do it just because they won't stop talking about it... even if you were planning on getting around to it in the first place. Now you just hear it all the time and there's no way you want to do it. But sometimes then you grow up, leave school, move out or whatever, and when nobody's telling you to do it all the time, you have your space and you come around to it in your own time. I think this is kind of like that - he'll get sick of the idea of marriage if you keep pestering him about it. Maybe he still has bad associations from his last marriage as well. For him to want to marry you, you'd have to be able to make him think it'd be amazing with you. If he doesn't, you don't have to take it personally - he might just not want to get married again. Move on, find someone who does. Good luck!

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    • Thanks. Those are all things that I think about. He does know that I want marriage. And we have discussed it but its not something that is constantly brought up. I do not push. His answer is he like I said before. " He is not completely sure yet". So when I think about the situation I have to admit, it confuses me and upsets me. I just didn't know if I was overreacting or if I should have more patience.

    • I don't think you're being unreasonable if you're not pushing; just that you're sacrificing your own happiness if you wait around forever. It's about finding a balance I guess...

What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 3

  • Bullsh*t. He's contradicting himself. First he's already committed and doesn't see why you can't see it, then he's not ready for it and is still learning things about you. I'd say no, he doesn't plan on marrying you.

    There's nothing wrong with that... some people just don't want to get married, or perhaps you're not quite who he wants to marry (and there's nothing wrong with that either). But whatever the case, you can't force him. If your goal is to be married and his isn't, there's no reason either of you should cave. Not unless he really is committed to you as much as he says he is (in which case, he should get over it and marry you to make you happy; because after all, all he'd be doing is promising to be with you forever, which he says he's done already.) or you decide that you don't ever want to get married at all to anyone and are happy for things to stay as they are.

    Living together and sharing finances isn't the same as being married. You could still break up and move out like any other couple really. There's no ring to declare your commitment to the world, no event to celebrate it, and no legal proceedings if you decided to break up. It's temporary and it's convenient. Presumably you're gaining something from this too; only you want the wedding and marriage along with that, right? I wouldn't attack him for not wanting to be married, but it isn't fair if he's going to change his story like that, and you're not really being fair to yourself if you stay.

    You need to decide for yourself what you want and what you're willing to sacrifice. If you don't want to get married - great, problem solved. If you still do, then you need to decide how long you're willing to wait - and also remember that if you do wait, it's no guarantee that he'll marry you at the end. He doesn't 'owe' you a wedding just because you waited another 2 years for him. He'll just see it as spending another 2 years being okay with not being married, and then suddenly exploding at him about it again. So think about the worst case scenario: if you really enjoy being with him, you could set yourself a time limit (eg 2 years like I said above, but it could be anything really) and wait it out. At the end, he still hasn't shown any signs of changing, so you let him know that it's a personal goal of yours to be married before you're 30 and if he doesn't want to marry you, then it's nothing personal but you have to move on to find someone who can meet your needs. You have to try not to be bitter about waiting with him or investing time in it - he won't really see it like that so it won't hold much in a discussion. Though this way you give him a chance to learn these things he's waiting to learn about you, and perhaps he was telling the truth about that.

    When you decide on that time limit, you can either keep it to yourself, or you can say something to him similar to what I just said above - that it's just a personal goal of yours to be married before you're 30 (TBC!)

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    • Thanks. Those are all things that I think about. He does know that I want marriage. And we have discussed it but its not something that is constantly brought up. I do not push. His answer is he like I said before. " He is not completely sure yet". So when I think about the situation I have to admit, it confuses me and upsets me. I just didn't know if I was overreacting or if I should have more patience.

  • your mistake was moving in when you're not even engaged. because now he's comfortable with your arrangement and doesn't feel the need to take it to the next level. At this point, it doesn't sound like he wants to get married anytime soon

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  • seems like he is committed to you. some people don't see marriage as anything more. my guy lived with his ex for 3 years never married, seems like marriage to me. his ex living with someone now for the last 6 years seems like marriage to me. and his ex's mom lives with a man for 20 years now (with a man whom is not his ex's father) all seems like marriage to me.

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